Would you give up having kids for a partner?

[Hidehiho]

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

The key word part “willing to” - he’s willing to carry on the relationship knowing that she would need to sacrifice kids. And that’s the problem. Why is he willing to watch her sacrifice what she really wants? Because he doesn’t love her enough - he isn’t the one. If he loved her but really didn’t want kids, he’d tell her to go and find someone else so she could be happy - he wouldn’t be willing to keep her like a caged bird.

No.

I had to make this decision, and I walked away. I now have a fabulous son who is the best part of my life. For me, motherhood has been a precious (and one-off) process. It wasn't as if I wanted six dcs. I've always worked, paid half of the cost of my child, and provided all the care because his dad and I split.

I still think that if ex-fiance had really loved me, he would have found a way for us to be a family, just as I had found a way to live with his all-absorbing career. But that was his choice to make, as it was mine to leave. We are in good-humoured contact 25 years later. He's still single, retired early and plays golf a lot.

You're on different pages OP. That's all it is. Your needs don't trump his just because he has kids already. I say this as someone who is infertile. My marriage broke down for a number of reasons, but one of them was my infertility. No matter how much it hurt, it couldn't have worked. He's now a father.

To be honest I think he should have ended it by now. He is being selfish if he knows you want DC and he doesn’t want any more.

And yes in your shoes I’d definitely end it.

I don't think it's because he doesn't love you enough it's because he has had his kids and raise them and doesn't want to do it again.

Also if he split with their mum during their childhood this might be a contributing factor.

What happens if you give him the next 10 years of your life and then split?;can you imagine being mid 40's,single and wasted your opportunity to be a mum?

I can tell your really hoping to change his mind and maintain your relationship but that's probably not going to happen.

I wouldn’t compromise and stay if you want kids and he doesn’t want anymore.

Word of advice, if you don't have any children allready, don't go getting into a relationship with anyone who allready has, your just incompatible from the start, dating someone who dosent have children like yourself allready will more likely want them in the future and your both be on the same page in life going forward.

My DP had 2 grown children, and had had a vasectomy. Children weren’t on the cards. I was ok with that, until suddenly at 34 I got cold feet about it all. I knew I would have to end the relationship as I couldn’t give up the idea of having a baby, and choose our relationship over the chance of having children.

As soon as I discussed it with him, he suggested a vasectomy reversal, as his priority was me and our relationship. He said that although it wasn’t his plan, he was happy to have a baby together, and knew this was a relationship for life. Our baby boy was born a few weeks ago.

This is a long winded way of saying that things can work out if both people are on the same page. But if he’s adamant that children are completely off the table, and you desperately want children, there’s no way forward together.

Ultimately, you have to go after what YOU want, even if it means heartache in the shorter term.

You want different things from your future lives. I have 3 DC from previous relationship. My second DH does not have children. He has been an excel SD to my children. We thought I was too old to get pregnant but we tried for a baby just on case it possible and I got pregnant at 41. Unfortunately I miscarried late at 16 weeks. It was horrible. After 5 months we tried again but it did not happen for us. I have always felt bad I could not give him baby of his own. We do foster a child together though. He came to us at 5, he is now 15 and he has brought much joy to our lives. When I first got together with dh2 I told him unlikely I could have another child and if he wanted a child he should look for someone else. He told me he would rather be with me with no baby and help me bring up my DC than be with someone else he did not love as much and have a baby. O don't think if boot was on other foot I would have made same choice he did. I think need for a baby stronger in females. My advice move on a find someone to have a baby with. There is always sperm donation. Don't leave it too late. Sometimes getting pregnant not quick or easy.

No way. Kids have always been super important to me. There are plenty of men around.

It's not unfair. He hasn't led her on and OP must have been aware of his existing children.

It is perfectly ok for him to not want them as it is for OP to want them.

Would you have kids alone OP?

I know someone in a very similar situation to yours, partner has two teen kids already, does categorically not want more. She is currently going through IVF using donor sperm. They are still together as neither want to break up, and he is supporting her through the process but they have agreed that if it works they will break up. They did not want to break up for something which may never happen, and if it doesn't work, they will stay together. Your situation is even more of a risk as there is the other factor of not meeting anyone you want to start a family with and loosing out on both the person you love and your desire for kids so I think if I were you, I would prioritise the possibility kids even if it meant having them alone, if it doesn't work stay with currently partner who you love, if it does focus on meeting new partner after kid (s) have arrived.

Such a tricky one when love is involved, I really don't envy you having to make the decision. Makes me realise the importance of asking these deep questions early in a relationship.

No absolutely not.

Split up - if you want kids then it's not worth giving up that dream for someone who is not willing to compromise for your happiness

So he should break up with her because she wants kids, rather than leaving her to decide if she want to remain in a relationship or not? Why? Seems he’s been honest with her, so why can’t she make that decision for herself.

From the opposite perspective - I would never have kids for a partner. I've been with DP for over a decade and love him to bits, but if he suddenly turned round and said he'd changed his mind and he wanted kids, I wouldn't even contemplate it for a second. Hard, absolute, non-negotiable no. And nothing to do with my feelings for him.

Talking about it in terms of not loving you enough is bizarre. You might as well say, you don't love him enough to stay child-free. Whether someone wants to be a parent (again) or not has nothing to do with how much they love you. Nothing at all. It's just a basic incompatibility.

You may as well be saying to someone who hates cheese - if you loved me enough you'd eat cheese with me.

Just break up and move on to find someone who wants the same basic things out of life as you.

But you are kind of wanting to make him have a child with you. You're trying to guilt him into it from your language on it. "He doesn't love me does he", "how would you feel not having your kids", "you are denying me children". I expect that's not the only things you've said either.

He does love you, he just doesn't want children with you. That doesn't make him a bad person, he already has two adult children so he must be in his 40s at least. Many people wouldn't want to start again with nappies at that age. He also isn't denying you children, you would be doing that to yourself if you stayed. You can leave, find someone else and have kids with them. It's not ideal, but life isn't always ideal. But you do have that option, so you should definitely take it. He won't change his mind, so you'd be wasting your time with him. Up to you if you want to do that.

What is more important to you, children or a loving happy marriage/relationship. If you want children that badly then you will have to split up but there is no guarantee you will meet anyone else or, even if you do, that you will get pregnant.

Thank you everyone for the replies. Yes I would do it alone if I had to but would rather give myself a chance of having that family unit. If he really doesn’t want a child to the point he would resent them then i obviously don’t want that. But I think back to a conversation we had a couple of years ago where he told me when he was married he didn’t want a 2nd but ended up giving in and now he wouldn’t be without him. That makes me feel like he doesn’t love me enough or just doesn’t want that with me?

Maybe so, but all the same I wouldn't want a child with a man who only had it to keep me, and not because he actually wanted a father. And I wouldn't want to be that child.

It's good he's been honest with you. Try not to obsess over his motivations. Break it off immediately. Good luck for the future.

I also think it’s a bit different for a woman to have another baby for a man as it’s the woman who has to carry the baby for 9 months, go through birth, then in most cases it’s the woman on maternity, doing the lions share of looking after the baby and then if the relationship ends it’s again the woman who has the kids for most of the time. (Not all the time I know but in general) I think I need to seriously think about my life in 10 years time with no kids and decide if I can live with knowing I didn’t even try. And if I can’t live with that then yes it’s time to split up 😞

@Stellamar you’re right, I need to stop looking at his motivations. Thank you.

Walk away if it means that much to you. But remember, you may not go on to have children with any other men either. Is he worth losing for only the potential of having children with someone else? Because it isn’t guaranteed.

It really doesn’t matter why he doesn’t want more children. He’s been honest with you and you are just not compatible. There’s no way I’d have stayed with a man who didn’t want children. Having dc was important to me. Equally now I do have dc if I was to be in the position to start another relationship with someone who did want children I would refuse to have any more.

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I think it's quite an admirable choice, actually. Having children is a huge commitment, especially if you do it right. It would be easy for him to give in to keep you happy and if then let you get on with 90% of parenting alone. Find yourself a man who cannot wait to have children with you.