Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you give up having kids for a partner?

240 replies

Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:11

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 01/06/2022 09:43

Can't believe the poster who suggested he should 'compromise' and have one child with you .... having a child is (or should be) a very, very serious commitment and not something you 'compromise' over Hmm.

it sounds as though he was already bulldozed into having a second DC with his ex wife and though of course he now says he loves the second DC (very few people would admit to having made a mistake in having a second/third DC) he now knows his own mind and quite rightly has said he doesn't want any more DC.

Badger1970 · 01/06/2022 09:48

I would have walked away from DH had kids been off the agenda. It would be too big a life choice for me to compromise on.

But equally, I think you have to respect that your DP doesn't want more. It's sad, but it would be a deal breaker for me.

letsnotdothat · 01/06/2022 10:31

One of DH’s colleagues stayed with a man who didn’t want children despite wanting them herself until it was too late for her to have children. He left her for a younger woman and had children with her.

If you want children and can’t imagine life without them, you need to leave.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/06/2022 10:36

Oblomov22 · Yesterday 21:52
You are not compatible. He is at a different stage in life. If he loved you enough, he'd want to give you what you want. LTB asap“

he’s a B because he has adult children and doesn’t want to start again? What an odd view. He’s been completely honest with OP. The choice is hers. Doesn’t make him a bastard/mean he doesn’t love her at all.

theonlygirl · 01/06/2022 10:59

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he's just done with having kids and if I were in his shoes so would I be. He is being honest and not stringing you along with a maybe which would be unforgivable. This is always the dilemma when you are with someone with grown up kids. It's your decision to make. If you want kids you should move on, hard as that is. On the other hand you could argue he'd be better off not getting into a relationship with a woman young enough to still have kids to avoid this scenario.

yousexybugger · 01/06/2022 11:21

I'm your age and single. Don't miss your chance to have a family if it's what you want. He's had the decency to be honest and open with you. Don't try and talk him round as he sounds pretty set in his decision. He's made himself clear, it's not his responsibility to change his mind or compromise. It's your responsibility to either accept the status quo or move on and try to either meet someone or go it alone.

Thebeastofsleep · 01/06/2022 12:15

Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:23

Thank you. maybe it is just incompatibility. But I can’t help feel hurt he won’t even consider it. It would be different if I had one and he had his two. I would have accepted not having anymore. But he’s asking me to be childless if we stayed together.

He has considered it. He's decided he doesn't want any more. That's fine. He's being honest and upfront about it.

If you want kids, find someone else. He's not the man for you.

19Bears · 01/06/2022 13:06

My ex couldn't have any more children - he had one daughter with his previous wife, and we were reasonably happy, the three of us. But I always had in the back of my mind that this meant I would never be a mother, even though at the time I accepted being a stepmum as enough. Eventually he made the decision for me and 'let me go' to find my own way and have my own family. It was hard at the time, but it's the best thing he could have done for me. I've got two sons now who are everything to me. If this is what you want and your partner won't change his mind, you need to think really carefully what is the most important thing for you x

AskingforaBaskin · 01/06/2022 13:22

allboysherebutme · 31/05/2022 22:57

I'd ask him to compromise on just one child as it's unfair to you as he already has 2. If he won't don't waste your time, you might regret it and it will be too late.

Everything happens for a reason. X

That is not a compromise. He wants 0. And this is not something that should ever be comprised on

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 01/06/2022 13:24

Hidehiho · 01/06/2022 09:14

Thank you everyone for the replies. Yes I would do it alone if I had to but would rather give myself a chance of having that family unit. If he really doesn’t want a child to the point he would resent them then i obviously don’t want that. But I think back to a conversation we had a couple of years ago where he told me when he was married he didn’t want a 2nd but ended up giving in and now he wouldn’t be without him. That makes me feel like he doesn’t love me enough or just doesn’t want that with me?

But look how that turned out... they split up!

How old is your DP?

SunnyLobelia · 01/06/2022 13:32

Oh OP. Thanks

FWIW I thought I would give up children for my previous partner. He had had a vasectomy and I thought being with him was better than the chance for children. As it happens he dumped me for a woman 24 years younger than him.

I love DH hugely. But I can honestly say that no man is worth giving up children for.

Hidehiho · 01/06/2022 13:42

He’s early 40s. I think the obvious answer is for us to split up. But when it’s real life and you love someone and we have ties it’s hard. How do you stop loving someone enough to be to move on when you’re a time limit? @SunnyLobelia sorry to hear that. That must have been hard after what you sacrificed x

OP posts:
Hidehiho · 01/06/2022 13:42

*to be able to move on

OP posts:
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 01/06/2022 13:52

I think it's a big ask tbh if he's already finished with the hands-on parenting part of his life.

I think you should leave, I met my DH when I had just turned 36 knowing he'd had the snip (too long ago for a reverse to have much chance of being successful). Having children of my own wasn't a dealbreaker but I still feel surprised at how sad I feel about it sometimes that I never had DC. I can only imagine how awful I'd be feeling if I'd actively wanted them knowing my partner could make a choice to or not.

billy1966 · 01/06/2022 14:38

Absolutely not.

I think it is simply too large a sacrifice.

Respect his choice to say no and end things.

Don't dawdle, even if you love him.

A decade from now if your chance has past, you will likely bitterly regret your decision.

I have known quiet resignation for years become a relentless sadness.

Someone a bit older than me was in arelationship where he kept her hoping for 5/6 years, until he finally admitted he wasn't prepared to have children and liked their life as it was, unmarried and free to travel on great holidays etc.

He had strung her along IMO.

They both had great careers.
She wasn't so much pushed about marriage, when children weren't going to be an option, and he never asked her anyway.

She went back and forth about it, with her sister, but eventually decided she had left it too late as she was 40 when he eventually gave a final no.

She definitely was sad about it quietly over the years.

When she was 48 an opportunity to work in another of office in the US came for 12 months and she just accepted, out of the blue.

He had had some health news that was going to really reduce his mobility and she realised that she didn't love him enough.

I think their not having children together, HIS choice, not being married, convinced her that she had given up enough, and she was done.

She returned back for a weeks holiday, 6 weeks later, ended her relationship very abruptly, and put everything from the house that was hers, into storage.
Her family had been very surprised with the work move, but were stunned that she ended the relationship.

She had met a widower over there, and though they took it slowly, she has been with him ever since.

She never had children but she has grandchildren through him that she adores, just like she grew to really love his children.

I think if you really want children, you don't place the choice in the hands of someone who doesn't.

The regret can be too huge.

Yellowhase · 01/06/2022 15:43

It would have made me walk away. Your at different life stages. He has been there and done it. My dad didn’t want children my mum persuaded him. It was so obvious at times. I would never want to put someone in a situation they weren’t happy in or settle for something I didn’t want. Sad but walk away don’t regret, you have one life.

Happinessinred · 01/06/2022 16:22

I think you’ve given yourself your own answer, that you won’t be able to not resent him, given that he already has kids of his own.

However I would really advise you to make this decision by delving deep into your own thoughts- not based on views of people who aren’t in your situation, social expectations, or the scenarios experienced by others. I’ve been in a slightly comparable situation and I would recommend counselling to consider your own drivers, desires and fears. You have a lot of what ifs in this scenario - what if you stay and resent him, what if you stay and you break up anyway, what if you leave and never have kids, what if you leave and have kids with someone else but that someone else never makes you properly happy, what if you leave and have kids and don’t actually love it. Etc etc. I’d say you need to think through what you actually want based on your own feelings, and delve into that with unbiased help.
xxx

samyeagar · 01/06/2022 16:40

After my ex-wife and I got divorced, I absolutely did not want any more children, end of. When I started dating again, I made it very clear early on that I had no interest in having any more children. Sure, it limited my dating pool, but again, if she wanted children, or wasn't sure if she did or didn't, she was not the right partner for me. There was no way I would ever agree to have another child just to appease a partner.

madasawethen · 01/06/2022 16:58

If you're willing to do it on your own, how does he feel about you doing that but stay together?

Otherwise as hard as it is, you'll have to split as every day you wait and keep thinking about it, is one day gone from having a baby.

samyeagar · 01/06/2022 18:12

Hidehiho · 01/06/2022 09:14

Thank you everyone for the replies. Yes I would do it alone if I had to but would rather give myself a chance of having that family unit. If he really doesn’t want a child to the point he would resent them then i obviously don’t want that. But I think back to a conversation we had a couple of years ago where he told me when he was married he didn’t want a 2nd but ended up giving in and now he wouldn’t be without him. That makes me feel like he doesn’t love me enough or just doesn’t want that with me?

This really resonated with me. After our second child was born, I did not want any more children, and my ex-wife seemed to be on the same page at the time. Then about three years later, she began to feel the itch of having another child. I had been clear the whole time, no stringing her along, that I did not want any more. Over the next year, she kept the pressure on, and by mumsnet standards, she was extremely emotionally abusive and coercive. Relentless until she finally wore me down. Resentment does not even begin to describe my feelings towards her for that. Yes, I absolutely had my own full agency and could have, and probably should have left the relationship, so ultimately it was my own decision and fault.

We ended up divorcing ten years later do to a whole host of issues, but the circumstances around our third child was a primary contributing factor that ultimately was just a symptom of her Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis.

layladomino · 01/06/2022 18:34

It's a sad situation to be in Op and I feel for you.

Your DP has done nothing wrong. He doesn't want more children. That's absolutely fine, and normal for someone of his age and with grown up children.

You do want children. That's absolutely fine and normal for someone of your age with no children.

You say if he loved you enough he'd have a child with you. But the equivalent of that is that if you loved him enough you'd give up on having a child for him. Neither of those statements is fair or reasonable.

If you stay together and remain childless, you could end up resenting the fact, especially if it doesn't work out and it's too late for you to try with someone else.

If you stay together and coerce him in to having a child, that wouldn't be fair on the child, and it could be the death nell for your relationship, given he doesn't want to be a parent again.

I wouldn't give up on having a child, if I were in your position. But this is nothing to do with being loved enough, or someone's fault. It's just you're at different life stages and they aren't compatible.

Hidehiho · 01/06/2022 18:35

@samyeagar I’m sorry to hear your ex wife was relentless. That’s not what I would do to my partner, I would never want to resent him but I also would never want him to resent me. I have told him I respect his decision and realise it’s now my move. I’m just airing my thoughts on here to try and understand his decision though. Out of interest what made you so set on not having anymore after your 2nd? Or with a new partner after your 3rd and divorce? Were you just done bringing up kids?

OP posts:
Hidehiho · 01/06/2022 18:36

@madasawethen There is no way he would stay with me whilst I had one on my own.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 01/06/2022 18:40

Yes. But I don't want kids. There are plenty of women who don't who he would be perhaps, more suitable for. If you're sure you want more then maybe he isn't the man for you. Personally though I'd rather have a real person that I loved than give him up for a hypothetical, non existing one.

samyeagar · 01/06/2022 19:01

Hidehiho · 01/06/2022 18:35

@samyeagar I’m sorry to hear your ex wife was relentless. That’s not what I would do to my partner, I would never want to resent him but I also would never want him to resent me. I have told him I respect his decision and realise it’s now my move. I’m just airing my thoughts on here to try and understand his decision though. Out of interest what made you so set on not having anymore after your 2nd? Or with a new partner after your 3rd and divorce? Were you just done bringing up kids?

I apologize if it felt like I was accusing you, or suggesting that you were doing the same. I know you are just letting your thoughts out here, but one thing that did stand out to me in your original post that I think you should be mindful of is your questioning if him not wanting a child meant he didn't love you enough. While I imagine you have not expressed those feeling to him, that was one of the lines of attack my ex-wife did openly express.

As to why I did not want any more kids, a large part of it was that I just did not want to do it again. While it is rewarding in its own way, it is a whole lot of work mentally, physically, emotionally, but it was so overwhelmingly rewarding that I ever wanted to do it again.

Also, by the time my ex-wife and I divorced, I was 40, and I just did not feel like keeping up with having teenagers into my late 50's, early 60's and all the shit that comes with having teens and young adult children. I mean, to each their own on that, but to me, that just sounds awful.

Swipe left for the next trending thread