Would you give up having kids for a partner?

[Hidehiho]

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

but it was so overwhelmingly rewarding that I ever wanted to do it again.

Should have read...

but it was NOT so overwhelmingly rewarding that I ever wanted to do it again.

@samyeagar I have definitely thought and still think it might be he doesn’t love me enough. But no I have never said that to him. For what it’s worth, we have only ever talked reasonably about this with each other. Yes we have got upset when we have realised this might spell the end for us. But we aren’t blaming each other or at each other’s throats about this, we still love each other. It’s just an overall sad situation. Would you also rule out bringing up anyone else’s kids if you met someone with young kids?

OP, I think it is a bad idea to equate his decision not to have more children as a reflection on you.

I think a lot of men are very cut and dry regarding having children.

They know how many works for them, they don't have the hormonal surges women have, so they are capable of making a very clear unemotional decision.

After our last child, after months of no sleep, and us both being on our knees, literally, it was hell.
Suddenly she started sleeping all night..
It was amazing...a whole new world.

I got into bed and started to say "do you know what?"....and he, quick as lightening said "Nope, not happening, I'm done"....I burst out laughing, said no more, ....we never discussed it further.

I knew he was done, I also knew that my hormones were still raging in my early 40's even though I was also done.

I think some counselling is a great idea to tease out what you want.

But accept his decision and start focusing on what you really want.

@billy1966 thank you.

It is a sad situation for sure, but this is one of those things that there can be no actual compromise. Unless both people are reasonably enthusiastically wanting children, one person is going to have to entirely shift. There is no...We saw the movie you wanted last time, so this time we see the movie I want to see. With kids, you either have them or you don't, and both positions are equally valid.

I ruled out dating anyone with young kids or wanting more kids, because I just didn't want to go through raising kids again. I knew full well that it would narrow my dating pool, but this was a choice I had complete agency over, and I had the freedom to make that choice for myself.

When I did start dating after my divorce, I had a direction I wanted my life to go in, and I wanted a partner who wanted to go in the same direction, wanted the same things from the get go. I didn't want a relationship with a whole lot of what if, or maybes around huge things such as kids.

The thing with the situation when one wants kids, and the other one doesn't, beyond simply stating ones position.. I want kids, or I don't want kids, there really is nothing discuss, and any attempted discussion can way too easily, even unintentionally, turn into trying to convince the other person to change their position.

Even a simple, seemingly innocent questions such as Why don't you want any kids? Subconsciously that question is almost always asked so that the person who asked can come up with a counter. One has to ask themselves honestly, if they are willing to accept "Because I just don't." as a valid and honest answer.

I couldn't imagine life without my kids.

You need to think about whether your goals in life are aligned.

I know we don’t seem to have a future. But the thought of trying to meet someone else doesn’t exactly thrill me. And I think it will take me a while to stop loving my partner. 😞

No

That really sucks, especially with a very real biological deadline at play.

What ever you do though, at least be honest with yourself and any prospective partners. You are well setup to end up settling for someone who ticks the minimum number of boxes for you to be with so you can have a child.

Fair play if everyone is on the same page, but please don't set yourself up, your partner up, and your child up for unhappiness out of desperation. I suspect you don't want to be back here in five years posting that your marriage is dead, and looking back, it never really had any life to begin with.

@samyeagar I wouldn’t just settle for a make do partner just to have a baby. Like you say, that wouldn’t be fair on anyone. I would rather do it alone. Or ultimately I could live with not having kids if i don’t meet someone / or if Mother Nature has different plans. That’s out of anyone’s hands then.

So what's stopping you from doing it on your own?

Looking for another partner may result in wasting even more time, there is hardly a queue of men waiting to procreate in the next 5 mins upon meeting you... it's impossible to say

This has got to be such a painful point...

You already have a solid partner who you love dearly, and who loves you dearly. It is a huge gamble to trade that for "Maybe, What if?"

My heart really goes out to you because this is such a difficult situation.

@samyeagar I know, it’s very difficult and sad. It just doesn’t feel right to close this window just yet so I think I need to follow my gut feeling on what I need to do. If I was 40 + then maybe my mindset would be different.😞 Thank you for your input and advice, it’s been very helpful.

A good friend of mine met her future husband and they were the perfect match.

However he wanted kids- she was adamant she didn't and a number of times in the first year she reminded him if he wants kids he must be honest and she would accept this as she will never have any.

They got married, still the perfect couple but she didn't change her mind like it seemed he expected her to. They split up which was so sad as whilst they had happy times they both ended up alone and he has no kids.

Can't say there is anything wrong with that. Sometimes we just have to follow our gut. I would caution you though that when you make the decision, that you follow straight through and move forward, and try to never look back with regret, no matter what happens.

You are making the right decision right now for you. Be confident.

@dreamyunicorn that is the worst case scenario how this turns out. And I know that could happen. Are they still in contact now?

OP,
This is a really painful subject for you both and there is no right or wrong.

He really is 100% perfectly entitled to not want to start over.

I actually really get that.

I recoiled in horror for years upon hearing of "surprise" pregnancies happening a decade after a couple had thought their family was finished.

I really mean it when I write recoil.

Feeling you are DONE, is very real,for both sexes.

The wisest thing you can do is really think and sit with how you will feel in a decade if you don't have children.

Thats all you should be focusing on, because when the years are gone, they are gone.

@samyeagar I am hoping we could remain in each other’s lives as friends if we split up. We get on so well and are also great friends. Maybe that’s not realistic but if we split amicably I hope we could remain friends on some level.

This is a very sad situation but I hope for your sake you get to have kids as you will find them to be the true loves of your life. Maybe get some eggs frozen? Good luck.

I wouldn't stay in such a relationship and sacrifice my own desires.

I totally understand him OP, and I do not think that it is a matter of him not loving you that he does not want to have kids with you. I have three kids and I recently divorced and if I ever have another partner I would not want to have any more kids (not that I could as I am too old now, but just saying). On the other hand, if I were in your shoes I would most definitely break up. Having kids is the most important thing for me and would not sacrifice it for any man.

Take it from someone who absolutely adored a man, who ultimately fell out of love with me, for no reason.

Put what you want first.

I'm not a bitter person, I've had the rose tinted glasses well and truly removed.

But it's made me realise, no such thing as a one off soul mate, find someone you love (+ loves you), who shares the same interests and wants xx

Best of luck

This.

My friend had to make this choice. The man she wanted to marry already had 2 teenaged children and was adamant he wouldn’t have any more, even if it meant them breaking up. My friend had no children and wanted to have them, but felt if she turned him down she might still not meet anyone to have children with. They married but the marriage broke up some years later and by then she was too old to have children.