Would you give up having kids for a partner?

[Hidehiho]

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

I really admire your strength and grit determination.
You won't go far wrong with such a good head on your shoulders.
Good luck

@badhappening thank you. It helps to read these comments when I start to doubt my decision.

I have to be honest, I think if I’d never met my husband to be I’d never have considered children. I’m not maternal, I never have been. I’m not keen on others babies. The concept of pregnancy and childbirth is pretty abhorrent to me. We had to have a lot of conversations about my boundaries (no breastfeeding, elective c-section, 50/50 parental leave split and he drops his working days). BUT Since meeting him there are some times that I’ve thought maybe it will be ok to have kids - I like the idea of seeing my partner as a father, and if I think about things like Christmas I can imagine having fun with a child.

I guess I always have had in my mind as well that as a woman I might hit 30 and suddenly get the biological urge, and that if I’d broken up with my fiancé because I didn’t want kids and then ended up having them it would break my heart knowing I let the love of my life get away needlessly. I really can’t stress enough though how much my decision is based on the love I have for him though.

I do think it must be much harder for you ex partner as he already has children though. He knows what it’s like so he can say definitely he KNOWS he doesn’t want more. I imagine that makes the decision to have one just to please you much harder. I may regret my decision very much and wish I’d done what you and your partner have done. I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time.

@Thebeastofsleep I’d love to know how this worked out for you - do you ever regret your decision or are you very happy with your children?

@imperialminty Thank you. Yes that’s what he said; he has already been there, done that, knows how hard it is etc, his age and starting all over again. Whereas for you and your BF you will be having this new experience together, and there are no step kids involved or other children to think about. I would never have wanted my partner to have agreed to it then me walk on eggshells for the rest of our time when things get tough knowing he would be thinking “ I didn’t want this” But if he could have got into the mindset like you mention about Christmas, where he could picture the nice things and positives a child could bring to his life then it might have been different for us. But he was adamant he did not want more. All I can say is go with your gut. I’m so upset to have left but even though I’m feeling pretty heartbroken and down about the whole situation, my gut is still telling me I’ve done the right thing x

I was so fortunate my husband was up for starting over again to make me happy (his were almost leaving home so he was about done with hands on parenting). He wouldn't have chosen it if it weren't for meeting me and my dream to be mother but he absolutely loves our daughter and has never given me any indication he regrets it. However, in your situation he made it so clear it was just a non starter and there really was nowhere to go then but end it.

As the old song goes...Sometimes love just ain't enough.

Another way to look at it is that that when people find themselves in the situation where they really don't want kids and their really partner does, when one finally agrees to go with what their partner wants.

Yes, it is often framed in terms of loving their partner, but what I suspect is happening in the majority of cases is that it really has nothing specific to do with the partner, rather, it is the relationship they love. Subtle difference yes, but a huge difference all the same.

What it boils down to though for the people who shift their position, a significant part of their shift is fear. They fear the uncertainty of being without the relationship, they don't want to lose the comfort, the familiarity. Ending an established romantic relationship is a huge life change that impacts virtually every aspect of ones life.

It is clear that you are in emotional turmoil right now, and that has to be really awful. Just be prepared over the next few months especially to second guess yourself, for him to second guess himself. Be ready for your feelings to change when the desire to be back in the relationship gets triggered, and you want to get back together more than wanting to have a child. Be ready for him to be willing to have a child in order to reignite the relationship.

Just remember the sage advice of never making a life altering decision in the wake of a traumatic life event such as a death or a divorce, and this is no different. Ending this relationship is a life altering event, but whooooa boy, having a kid is even more so.

@samyeagar yes I do agree that sometimes the decision to have one when they don’t really want one comes from fear of losing that relationship, the comfort and familiarity, not wanting to start all over again trying to meet someone etc. I think we will both have that urge to be back together at times but I think we both know it can’t happen. He’s never going to want to have anymore kids and I’m never going to close that door for a good few years yet. So I will try not to give into these urges, all I need to do is remember the reason why we’ve split. It’s not due a heated row or something someone did wrong where it can be fixed with a sorry after things have calmed down. So I keep telling myself going back is not an option. It is so so hard though; we are still in contact and clearly miss each other 😞

The fact that it wasn't due to a heated row, or anything like that, coupled with their still being strong positive feelings is going to make it exponentially harder, Even more so if you are still in contact.

I agree @samyeagar At least when there's anger and a break up, there is a closure of sorts, that can then heal. This seems like a weeping wound that will take a very long time to heal and at any time can become infected or weep badly. Stay strong Op.

@JacquelineCarlyle thank you. I know we will eventually have to stop being in contact but we aren’t ready yet. Plus we do have ties to sort too. I am going to have to try and not let it become a long time to heal otherwise me leaving was pointless. I plan to have a few months where I sort myself out a place to live, grieve, work through my emotions etc. Then try to get in the headspace to date. Maybe that’s too optimistic though as I know I will still have feelings for him by then. @samyeagar I am going to eventually cut contact for a while but I would like us to be able to be friends of sorts later down the line when romantic feelings have died. Again, maybe too optimistic though 😞

You sound like you're making good progress @Hidehiho, and your plans sound spot on, so you should be proud of how well you're doing (even if it does feel horrendous for you right now).

I love my kids, they're wonderful. And I'm settling in to motherhood as they get older. However there have been times where I've really, really regretted the choice I made and overall I feel I'd have been happier child free.

Finding it much harder than I thought, we aren’t trying to change each other’s minds but we are both struggling to let go, we probably speak more than ever at the moment.

Having had kids, I know for sure I don't want anymore. If my relationship was to end and I was meeting new partners, I'd still know I didn't want anymore. And if they did, I'd be upfront and warn them that a life with me would be without any babies.

I think he's been mature and honest. I think you need to put yourself first, if you want children, then you need to find a partner who has the same wants.