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Original poster

Would you give up having kids for a partner?

240 replies

Hidehiho · 31/05/2022 21:11

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

OP posts:

Jobsharenightmare · 31/05/2022 22:24

My husband already had kids and I told him I'd want my own if we were to have a future so he thought about it and agreed. I would absolutely have had to end the relationship very early on if he didn't want more children. It's so important to discuss this during the first or second date. You've wasted valuable time here.

maythe4thbewithme · 31/05/2022 22:27

Never build your life and your future around a man. He could just as eats be gone next week, next year or in ten years and then you will have given up something amazingly precious for him. No man is worth that

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2022 22:28

It’s the way you phrased it. You’re saying you think he doesn’t love you enough to have a child for you that he doesn’t want. If that’s how you’re phrasing it with him when you’ve discussed it it sounds like you do want to force him to have a child or admit he doesn’t love you enough.

Exploring your feelings is obviously fine but it’s not without an agenda when you want a baby and he’s clear he doesn’t.

It doesn’t sound like he’s lead you on, you don’t say how long you’ve been together but you knew he had adult children and he’s never told you he’d want another go at fatherhood.

If you want to be a mum you need to do it with someone else. He loves you enough to be honest with you and of course he won’t end the relationship when he’s got nothing to lose by maintaining the status quo.

anthurium · 31/05/2022 22:30

@Hidehiho

Hi Op, sorry to hear you're in a very difficult position.

I'm a solo mother by choice and had my son via IVF and a sperm donor aged 39.

You need to put yourself first and do what's necessary to make your dream come true. Nobody can guarantee that you will succeed however what's important is the opportunity/chance to try.

I also agree with some of the other posters responses in that no man is worthwhile missing out on this unique experience. I look back on my relationships and thank my lucky stars I finally took agency over the situation.

I know how difficult it is to try and meet a new person and start dating/relationship all over again however by staying in this current relationship you're definitely not giving yourself the opportunity to make it a reality. And there is a an alternative to trying to meet someone and could instead go solo.

At 36 I wouldn't be waisting any more time. Fertility is fickle and unpredictable so you need to give yourself as much time as possible.

Oblomov22 · 31/05/2022 22:30

Why are you posting? It's clearly not that important to you, because you've just stated in your last couple of posts that you're not going to actually leave him. so what are you actually asking here?

AnnaSW1 · 31/05/2022 22:30

I'd split up with him

shuggaaaaaar · 31/05/2022 22:32

If I was happy to have no children then fine. But to have that determined by someone and have no choice then absolutely not a chance..I think I'd have to call it a day

Sorrynotsorry2 · 31/05/2022 22:43

@Hidehiho
I am in more or less the same position as @Kleptronic
My dh has a child and we went through 4 rounds of ivf . Sadly for whatever reason it didn't work for us . We are still together 10 years on . Its ok I've made my peace with not becoming a mum .

But all I can say to you is , when it comes to the subject of children. Reguardless of the situation, you have to be on the same page. If you really want children and your partner doesn't. Then there won't be a happy solution, unless your partner changes his mind I cant see a way forward for you together .

Wishing you all the best

allboysherebutme · 31/05/2022 22:57

I'd ask him to compromise on just one child as it's unfair to you as he already has 2. If he won't don't waste your time, you might regret it and it will be too late.

Everything happens for a reason. X

Abcdefu · 31/05/2022 23:04

You only have one life and as you already know time is of the essence. As much as you love him,if you want kids you owe it to yourself to try and find someone who wants to too. Or you could have a kid on your own depending on your desire. I know a girl did this at 39 (sperm donor) and met a man at 40,who is now bringing up the child. Also know a girl pregnant at 40 after a one night stand,wee boy is 9 now and she's happier than ever on her own (and had been since he was conceived)

Forestgate · 31/05/2022 23:08

Sorry OP but I couldn't agree to never have children . They are my life. Sadly I think you need to move on.

DarkShade · 31/05/2022 23:10

I would have broken up with him. Always knew I wanted children. And having them has been the absolute best experience, better than any relationship with a man or a friend. It would be worth, to me, having my children with an acceptable (as opposed to great) partner, even if it meant foregoing a really great partner I loved more.

But also from the perspective of someone who does not want any more, I understand where he is coming from. It sounds like you are incompatible now.

Wor · 31/05/2022 23:20

That’s a really difficult situation 😢

Children are wonderful and if I had to chose my husband or my child it would be my child everytime. No way could I stay with a partner who didn’t want children. Your age complicates things a little though as if you were 20 you could break up and be sure to meet another man who’ll give you children but at 36 frankly you can’t be sure you’ll find a new partner in time to have children naturally with your own eggs.

Still, better IVF/adoption than committing to life with a man who’s chosen to keep you childless. I couldn’t forgive that, or see him in the same way.

Sorry OP. I don’t see how the relationship can recover from you wanting such different lives.

All the best xxx

Change123today · 31/05/2022 23:26

It’s difficult- I’d respect him for being honest, not leading you on the merry path of maybe tomorrow.

Having children is tough, he’s got experience of it and no doubt the regrets of a break up of a family - & the fear that goes with that. He’s made the decision for himself no more.

Ive seen close friends by choice haven’t had children, they separated after 20 years together. She still stands by her choice of not having children. He is definitely more affected by it he’s now 50 and would have loved to have children but feels even as a man he can in theory meet a younger women and children could happen - it’s too late.

As much as you love him you don’t know what tomorrow may bring, if it’s children you want. Sadly you do need to move on and find that path.

ForgedInFire · 31/05/2022 23:27

I would not have given up having children for a man. Now I have my children and I am a single mother, I would not have more children for the sake of keeping a relationship either. It is one of those things that is impossible to compromise on

Spooked102 · 31/05/2022 23:27

No I wouldn’t. You could get to menopausal age and split up then you’d regret your decision. He’s also completely entitled to his choice of not wanting any more.

rnsaslkih · 31/05/2022 23:34

and if he is willing to rob you of this, he isn’t the one.

Cloud16 · 31/05/2022 23:39

I think it depends.

My DH and I have both said that if either of us turns out to be infertile, we would stay together and try and enjoy other parts of our life. Not the same thing I know, but if DH couldn't give me kids, I wouldn't leave him because of it.

So maybe I do choose my relationship over kids.

Ponderingwindow · 31/05/2022 23:43

Having more children has nothing to do with how much he loves you. Adding another child to his life will mean restarting a stage that has already ended. It will also fundamentally change his relationship with his existing children. He shouldn’t consider another child unless he is absolutely certain he needs another child in his life.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/05/2022 23:43

rnsaslkih · 31/05/2022 23:34

and if he is willing to rob you of this, he isn’t the one.

I find this comment bizarre. He’s not robbing her of having a child, he’s saying he doesn’t want anymore. It’s up to her now to decide what she wants.