ED - Is it fair men are online dating with this condition?

[mumieone]

Controversy, controversy. I'm aware it's a serious medical condition affecting many men over the age of 40.
Due to lack of education (as with menopause with woman) many men hide thier problem and feel shame to discuss with GP let alone admit to thier partner, wife, date and will blame her, booze, lack of sleep, state of mind, porn....medication etc

MANY females I've known have encountered one of these men on dating apps. It's been traumatic for the woman who have felt that they just were not turning the man on. The men on the other hand manage the shame and embarrassment of thier untreated illness by serial dating online. They just "keep it moving" ...before the issue gets to be a problem they dump, ghost and move on.

My friend argued with one ED man who blamed her being vanilla and not "rocking his mic" so to speak as why things didn't work. He is classic as he has been online dating with the same photo +10 years. Moving from bed to bed blaming woman for his untreated medical condition

I don't think these men should be online. It's ruining woman's confidence having to deal with men not taking control of thier health and seeking treatment before dating and bringing such heavy baggage into a relationship then buggering off and leave woman traumatised & lacking confidence.

It’s perfectly ok to have any sort of medical condition or disability or difficulty and still date. Shocking that you think otherwise! Obviously you should be honest and let your partner decide if they’re ok with it. But it’s nasty to say that people with a medical condition shouldn’t date.

I agree that it's absolute dire behaviour to not be upfront about it. I wasted time dating one of these idiots, and he also tried to blame everything (too tired, it's too late, too much to drink) until he eventually blamed me. I had alarm bells going off as to why he hadn't had a girlfriend in years, as he was otherwise a decent guy, and it soon became apparent what the issue was.

It really annoys me that they don't seem to think it's on them to sort out. Instead, as you say, they hop around, wasting women's time, then once they're 'found out', they move on. What's the effing point?

The ED isn't necessarily a problem. The lying/ not being upfront about it is.

What other things do you think should stop someone being on a dating site?

I dont think you mean people with ED shouldn't date - just the ones who haven't been treated for it and are sleeping around with and jumping from women to women who are looking for serious relationships with no intention of staying with them

They need to speak up about it. I dated a man once who had problems and turned out it was one of the reasons for the breakdown of his marriage. I wasn't going to make his ex wife's problem my problem so I ended it early on.

Exactly!! If you have something you know full well is going to be a problem you should discuss it

Many woman would understand and try to help and work with these men. They already try to unknowingly but the problem gets made out like it's the woman. These men leave a trail of demoralised woman and NO it's not right!!

The issue is the lies and deceit and the absolute refusal for many to acknowledge and face with dealing with Thier own problems.

It's so sad really. Woman have menopause to go through.
With woman there are things from mood swings etc which untreated I'm guessing has alot to do with breakups.

Men do always quote online that thier ex was crazy, became a different person etc. Woman openly do talk to men about menopause I feel though and yes many RUN.

They should also speak about it. If a woman is v sexual it's going to be a massive massive problem.

Women going through the menopause who are too dry shouldn't be going online dating then?

No?

Then don't shame someone for a legitimate condition.

Yes your vanilla man was an asshole but doesn't mean they all are and that they should be punished for their condition.

If this was reversed there would be outrage and rightly so.

Nothing as long as it is disclosed. Like just coming out of prison, or having been in prison, on "medications", being in a relationship already, homeless and dating for shelter/visa lol. Just be straight. If course if they have an "agenda" they aren't going to reveal anything.

Just like if a man can only get it up with a NEW person (adrenaline and that not knowing) then he isn't going to tell you he has problems with ED.

Woman may not know it's menopause and if they are dry ..menopause or not. Lube is as far as I'm aware used anyway for pleasure. It's marketed as a pleasure item not as a medicine.

However, men and woman are aware of menopause and that woman as young as 30 can have it. It's fair both sexes educate themselves in this.

We also are aware (both sexes) that the older a man gets the probability of having ED increases. When it starts to become apparent men need to seek help. Stop telling the woman she needs to wear a batman outfit, call a friend to join, wear a different shade of lipstick, wear heels in bed or all these stupid things that don't address the fact that he needs to get off his ass and see a doctor about it and stop making the woman stressed out tip toeing around him having dreadfully unfulfilling sex

Yes, I think it’s fair that men with ED (whatever the primary cause of it is) should be looking for love. Does ED make a man – the person – unlovable or unworthy of being loved?

Would a woman like to be rejected or thought of as a time-waster if she had a sexual dysfunction that she perhaps had no control over or needed a little more patience to overcome? Would it make her – the person – unlovable or unworthy of love?

Dating, OLD or IRL, is, for most people, about more than just sex.

“The ED isn't necessarily a problem. The lying/ not being upfront about it is.”

I agree with this too, for both genders. Communication is key.

I’ll even stick my neck on the line and say a sexual dysfunction can be an effective tool for filtering out the time-wasters. And that applies to both genders too.

I don't think they should be 'banned' from OLD, any more than a woman with sexual difficulties should be. Nor should anyone have to post such personal information on a 'public' website.

But I do believe it should be disclosed to a person if and when their relationship becomes serious or progresses to the point of wanting or starting to have sex. A friend dated a man and at the point they wanted to take it to 'the next level' he told her that he had ED 'problems'. That was the right thing to do.

That being said, anyone who blames the other party for their own sexual failures is a shit.

@datingdinasaur

Honesty about everything is a good filter. Love/relationships involve trust, honesty, understanding and yes sex too

Men with ED don't want to be filtered out. They love sex but just can not be counted on to perform. Viagra etc is not cheap either.

Men inline rather than getting treated, paying for a private Rx (being Scrooge) prefer to be cheap. They wing it and hope that when that moment comes Johnny will come out to play. If not ..no problem they just tell the woman it's because of a,b or c. That way they don't lose face and if it happens a couple of times and she asks questions they can just not see her again and let her think that she just wasn't sexy. They will always tell the woman upfront they are v sexual or tell how Thier ex had a high sex drive etc so the current woman they are targeting feels it's really "her".

Of course men online are hiding it. They want opportunities, they do not want to be filtered out. How then will they find sex...pay for it and pay for a private Rx? These are cheap guys who do not care about anyone but themselves.

Stop sleeping with people before you know them properly. Men and women.

Just an idea.

I did date a Christian man. Really great person....about 4 months down the line I found out

I had been on an abstinence phase where I wanted to truly know the man. He said he was on that journey too.

All bullshit!!

The big day arrived and Johnny didn't come out to play. I was devasted!!! Having had a relationship the year before online with a love bomber who had a major ED problem he was denying.

Well....I let it go and second time around.....another no show. He was v v embarrassed and I although devasted pretended it was ok and made light of it.

The shame!!! He never saw me again.

If there was less focus on PIV sex generally it would be less of an issue. The fact that PIV is seen as the only sex "that counts" is part of the problem.

The word traumatic gets thrown around far too bloody easily these days

I doubt these women are traumatised. I think most women would know it's nothing to do with them, unless they've been extremely unlucky with men. It's still something that should be mentioned before sex though.

Op, you seem to be implying that dating has to mean sex. Another option is actually getting to know people, developing real emotional intimacy, and slowly working up to sex. There would be plenty of time to notice that things weren’t exactly working at 100% and a solid enough of a relationship to have a conversation about that fact with a different approach.

I can understand the disappointment well. I remember dating a friend of a friend for about 2 months. He was absolutely gorgeous, super tall, well built, great time together, fabulous chemistry, amazing amazing kisser, who put my head into a spin. I put so much effort into the night we were definitely leading up to DTD… well, I have never been so disappointed!! No exaggeration, but I very nearly said “is it in yet”!! I had to do it a second time that night just to make sure it was as bad as I thought.

I didn’t follow up with any more dates after that and became “very busy with work”. Awful I know, but it was such a massive disappointment 🙈 I’m not sure if/how he could have managed my expectations. I don’t think he knew it was/would be an issue and there were no “skills” to make up for it either.

I dated a man with ED as a result of death grip and it massively dented my self esteem. He didn't see the problem and had no intention of addressing the issue. I wish he had been upfront about it from the start.
I think he's still crashing from on few month relationship to the next years later.

I do actually know what you mean. Friends have dated men like this.
It's not the ED. It's the refusal to even try to resolve the issue, the denial it is even happening, the blame.
I wouldn't have an issue with ED. He can spend all his time making me happy in other ways. His problem to solve, or not.
But why on earth don't these men at least see a GP/try viagra?
Fragile egos are not sexy

Well obviously the problem is the men blaming the women for their issue. What they should do is find someone kind and work through it together

It’s an interesting point but I wouldn’t ban them OLD. I think men should be upfront about it as some women might be looking for a sex free relationship anyway. They should declare it by the 2nd - 3rd date so as not to waste people’s time, ED would be a no go for most.