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Original poster

ED - Is it fair men are online dating with this condition?

187 replies

mumieone · 29/05/2022 00:02

Controversy, controversy. I'm aware it's a serious medical condition affecting many men over the age of 40.
Due to lack of education (as with menopause with woman) many men hide thier problem and feel shame to discuss with GP let alone admit to thier partner, wife, date and will blame her, booze, lack of sleep, state of mind, porn....medication etc

MANY females I've known have encountered one of these men on dating apps. It's been traumatic for the woman who have felt that they just were not turning the man on. The men on the other hand manage the shame and embarrassment of thier untreated illness by serial dating online. They just "keep it moving" ...before the issue gets to be a problem they dump, ghost and move on.

My friend argued with one ED man who blamed her being vanilla and not "rocking his mic" so to speak as why things didn't work. He is classic as he has been online dating with the same photo +10 years. Moving from bed to bed blaming woman for his untreated medical condition

I don't think these men should be online. It's ruining woman's confidence having to deal with men not taking control of thier health and seeking treatment before dating and bringing such heavy baggage into a relationship then buggering off and leave woman traumatised & lacking confidence.

OP posts:
samsera · 29/05/2022 12:00

PloppyMouth
@WouldBeGood but would they date you? Fit thirty-something guys aren’t really queuing up to date 50 year old women.

You'd be very surprised. Plenty of them most definitely are. It's far more common outside the UK, but even here I know late 40 and 50 somethings who are shagging men in their thirties.

That definitely seems to be the case in the dating threads. In fact some women have complained that the majority of men who have contacted (on certain apps) are all in their 30s or even 20s.

CaptSkippy · 29/05/2022 12:02

samsera · 29/05/2022 11:46

I agree with this.

Are people saying a lot of ED is a result of porn. I thought it was mostly age related? I'm genuinely confused about death grip, having seen arguments on here about whether it exists. But I think too much porn must have some impact.

Show quote history

An increasing number of younger men (think 20s and 30s) report problems with ED. There are links to porn-use.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/05/2022 12:06

MintyMoocow · 29/05/2022 08:20

I really cannot understand why people want to “date” in their fifties.
I adore my DH, but if anything happened to him I certainly wouldn’t want to take on another middle aged man. Id have my friends, I’d have my grown up children, I’d have my freedom. I wouldn’t have to worry about ED.

Well good for you. Not everyone feels the same eh? Smug and sanctimonious much?

Confused
RiverSkater · 29/05/2022 12:06

motogirl · 29/05/2022 09:27

@MintyMoocow

So those of us whose husbands dumped us in our 40's and 50's are doomed to a life alone? You haven't been there so you cannot know how you would feel. I'm in an amazing relationship now (well he's still snoring away leaving me to clean up the cat sick!) having thought my life was over 3 years ago. There's certainly life out there!

How is that an amazing, leaving you to clean up their sick? 😆

samsera · 29/05/2022 12:07

Oh really! That's interesting @CaptSkippy

Oysterbabe · 29/05/2022 12:12

Death grip is when a man has been wanking too much and too hard. The result is that PIV does nothing for them, they can barely feel it and can't maintain an erection. It's not easy to cure and they usually need to stop wanking entirely for a long time.

Oysterbabe · 29/05/2022 12:13

It absolutely exists and my ex had (more than likely Has) it.

Oysterbabe · 29/05/2022 12:14

He was 29 at the time.

Porcupineintherough · 29/05/2022 12:16

mmmmmmghturep · 29/05/2022 01:44

If there was less focus on PIV sex generally it would be less of an issue. The fact that PIV is seen as the only sex "that counts" is part of the problem.

To a certain extent, this. You can certainly have quite a lot of good sex without it .

LetHimHaveIt · 29/05/2022 12:16

Strange that someone who asserts so boldly that they know how 30-something men behave sexually, has never even heard of 'death grip' . . .

PloppyMouth · 29/05/2022 12:27

is there any medical evidence for this Death Grip you speak of? Is it like dead vagina syndrome?

lassof · 29/05/2022 12:35

PloppyMouth · 29/05/2022 12:27

is there any medical evidence for this Death Grip you speak of? Is it like dead vagina syndrome?

Seriously? First you don't know that women in their 50s get plenty of offers from younger men. Now you've never heard of this either? Have you ever heard of 'no fap'?

PloppyMouth · 29/05/2022 12:36

I asked if you had any medical evidence for this ‘phenomenon’. Thankfully I don’t know many women in the 50s

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 29/05/2022 12:41

The reality though is that women have been conditioned to think that if a man can’t have an erection it is somehow their responsibility/fault. If I’m the top of this, said man insist they normally have no issue, make a few comments pointing towards the woman being the cause/nit attractive enough/not doing the right thing to get them excited, then the result is destruction of the self worth of that woman.

So yes of course, you can send them away but most women will feel hurt by that sort of experience.
And the responsibility is squarely on the man’s side here. Both for not telling their partner in the first place (I know of no woman who wouldn’t tell their issues of dryness/pain to their partner before for example) and for then making the woman feel bad about it.

lassof · 29/05/2022 12:41

PloppyMouth · 29/05/2022 12:36

I asked if you had any medical evidence for this ‘phenomenon’. Thankfully I don’t know many women in the 50s

oh, you're just trying to be provocative. I thought you genuinely hadn't ever heard of most modern sex stuff and were stuck in a 1940s timewarp.

LetHimHaveIt · 29/05/2022 12:45

PloppyMouth · 29/05/2022 12:36

I asked if you had any medical evidence for this ‘phenomenon’. Thankfully I don’t know many women in the 50s

Ooooo, I do. Grace Kelly. Rosa Parks. Natalie Wood. Ethel Rosenberg. Patricia Highsmith.

MrsRuggles · 29/05/2022 12:49

PloppyMouth · 29/05/2022 10:31

@WouldBeGood but would they date you? Fit thirty-something guys aren’t really queuing up to date 50 year old women.

In my short experience of OLD, I was amazed at the responses from young men. Very off putting for me, but a big age gap isn't off putting for everyone, obviously.

Andromachehadabadday · 29/05/2022 13:18

I think you need to review you dating practices going by your other threads.

Your and your friends experienced read like script out of a bad female focused sitcom on how bad dating can be.

Something isn’t working for you and ‘your friends’.

As an aside, if people are disclosing ED do you think mental health problems should be disclosed? An illness that may become a disability? Is it a full medical history you want? Or only those that impact sex?

baileys6904 · 29/05/2022 13:20

So are we including rape victims in this dating site ban? Or domestic violence victims that may not be able to get past the ptsd they have to put out when required? Or are we saying that they should declare this before dating?

Because obviously dating is all about shagging ability

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 29/05/2022 13:29

As an aside, if people are disclosing ED do you think mental health problems should be disclosed? An illness that may become a disability? Is it a full medical history you want? Or only those that impact sex?

Yes these should be disclosed. But there is a time and place to do that.
An illness that could be come a disability should be disclosed before let’s say moving in together but probably not on the first date. Because that illness won’t affect the first date, starting to know the person etc… but obviously it has a big impact in living together.
Being infertile should be disclosed again if you want to make that relationship serious, and esp if you are young enough to want children etc… but it won’t have an impact in your first date
ED will impact the first date/when you have sex the first time so yes I should be disclosed at the time. Because it affects how the sex will happen (or not happen). That includes if the guy is taking viagra but isn’t always able to finish/have an orgasm himself.

madasawethen · 29/05/2022 13:39

The lying, refusal to get treatment, and blaming is the problem.
Of course they should be more honest about it but they won't.
It's best to assume they're lying about everything until proven otherwise anyway.

pixie5121 · 29/05/2022 13:40

SW1amp · 29/05/2022 11:39

@pixie5121
You are undeniably very angry about the situation you find yourself in, but I wonder if this level of anger is perhaps counterproductive to finding a partner, as you do desperately want

I don't 'desperately' want it. I could have a partner tomorrow if I dropped my standards as low as yours seem to be.

I do find it frustrating how low the bar is for men's behaviour, yes. Not sure how that's a 'me' problem.

me4real · 29/05/2022 13:50

They're usually in denial about it to themselves I think, or don't want to think about it.

Which isn't to say we should necessarily stay with someone we meet who has it.

I saw one guy a couple of times and he was unable to get a proper erection which could perform PIV. I helped him come or he gave himself a hand, but he didn't bother to do anything for me. Worst 'sex' I've ever had. Couldn't wait for him to leave.

I should've told him when I dumped him to get it checked out, as he was quite a big guy and it can be a sign of diabetes.

orwellwasright · 29/05/2022 13:50

It's not often I feel sorry for men en masse but this OP might do it. Poor fellas. Are they just their penises? And only erect ones at that.

Andromachehadabadday · 29/05/2022 13:54

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 29/05/2022 13:29

As an aside, if people are disclosing ED do you think mental health problems should be disclosed? An illness that may become a disability? Is it a full medical history you want? Or only those that impact sex?

Yes these should be disclosed. But there is a time and place to do that.
An illness that could be come a disability should be disclosed before let’s say moving in together but probably not on the first date. Because that illness won’t affect the first date, starting to know the person etc… but obviously it has a big impact in living together.
Being infertile should be disclosed again if you want to make that relationship serious, and esp if you are young enough to want children etc… but it won’t have an impact in your first date
ED will impact the first date/when you have sex the first time so yes I should be disclosed at the time. Because it affects how the sex will happen (or not happen). That includes if the guy is taking viagra but isn’t always able to finish/have an orgasm himself.

not everyone has the intention of having sex on a first date.

if you wait to disclose things like mental health problems or infertility until you have been dating a bit longer, would you not be doing the same as someone with an ED?

for the record I am not sure anyone should have disclose a full medical history to go in a date. But if you follow the logic of ED should be disclosed immediately, then surely other things should be too. As they will impact wether someone wants to pursue dating them?

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