ED - Is it fair men are online dating with this condition?

[mumieone]

Controversy, controversy. I'm aware it's a serious medical condition affecting many men over the age of 40.
Due to lack of education (as with menopause with woman) many men hide thier problem and feel shame to discuss with GP let alone admit to thier partner, wife, date and will blame her, booze, lack of sleep, state of mind, porn....medication etc

MANY females I've known have encountered one of these men on dating apps. It's been traumatic for the woman who have felt that they just were not turning the man on. The men on the other hand manage the shame and embarrassment of thier untreated illness by serial dating online. They just "keep it moving" ...before the issue gets to be a problem they dump, ghost and move on.

My friend argued with one ED man who blamed her being vanilla and not "rocking his mic" so to speak as why things didn't work. He is classic as he has been online dating with the same photo +10 years. Moving from bed to bed blaming woman for his untreated medical condition

I don't think these men should be online. It's ruining woman's confidence having to deal with men not taking control of thier health and seeking treatment before dating and bringing such heavy baggage into a relationship then buggering off and leave woman traumatised & lacking confidence.

I think OP raises a very interesting and important issue, because she's saying, what I wasn't aware of, that men are blaming women and making them feel unsexy or selfish and like they are not doing the right techniques. The women might also even feel that it is an emotional issue and that they have inadvertently said something insensitive to their 'loved one'..

We need more awareness. I think it's an important issue to have in the open because it's not a static problem, where every time they don't get it up. If it were such a continuous issue, it might be a problem that can be identified. However, it might happen that they might be very aroused and active in the beginning of the relationship, or randomly, sometimes. If women don't know how the whole thing works, it's baffling for them to know what to do. There may be things that the woman can do which might work and the guy doesn't know about th and the woman doesn't know either . There is lack of information out there about techniques which might help and it would be useful to have more public awareness and pod casts from sex experts.
I guess a visit to the GP is the main strategy to address this, but there could be others, like keeping a record of antecedents/ event to see what times of day, etc, work best.

Is it possible that seeing too many women at once can add to the difficulty of performing?. I'm not dating and haven't been for years, but it strikes me that dating apps make it possible to conduct simultaneous relationships, and this must tire 'Johnny' out, even if the guy feels up for it. I know that not being exclusive is now socially acceptable ( whereas it hadn't been in my day)..is this adding to the pressures which increase the likelihood of ED occurring?

I really cannot understand why people want to “date” in their fifties.
I adore my DH, but if anything happened to him I certainly wouldn’t want to take on another middle aged man. Id have my friends, I’d have my grown up children, I’d have my freedom. I wouldn’t have to worry about ED.

The key thing for me is the attitude that person has to sorting it out. I had a partner I met OLD who only revealed his issues slowly (well, the PE issue was apparent very quickly) but then when we talked about it he didn't seem to have any real oomph about wanting to address it or take responsibility for sorting it. Whereas as soon as I had peri-menopause symptoms, I was straight down to the private doctor to get HRT and proactively trying to address it. His other issue was a lack of libido.

We are still friends, and he mentioned recently he was back dating but that he wasn't looking for sex really, more companionship - when I asked him if he was making that clear to the women he was approaching he said he wasn't mentioning it. I had a massive go at him - most women online looking for a partner ARE looking for sex as part of that, and if you can't provide that and aren't interested, I think it's disingenuous to keep it quiet!

Maybe because we want to have fun, we want to have sex, we want to not feel like we're sliding inexorably towards our dotage?

Honestly, I do find it shocking how myopic some people can be. You might have a comfy slippers type of marriage and are perfectly happy but - hold the front page - other people might be different!

Dear God, show some compassion!
How about women who struggle to come without a vibrator - should they disclose this? I mean, how traumatic would that be for a man to discover he couldn't make her come.
The man is not just his dick! He may have many other commendable talents and compensatory mechanisms. Give him a chance and, if you do, you might find his penis comes to the party when it's less scared.

I'm aware it's a serious medical condition affecting many men over the age of 40.

well first of all, I’m sorry but this is NOT a serious medical condition. Yes it isn’t make it hard to have sex but it won’t stop you living your life. I think we need to start by stopping to massage men’s ego who somehow think that their worth is directly inked to the size of their erection.

Second, there is lots of research that as been done on ED (much more than on other properly disabling conditions such as vulvodynia women suffer from!!). It’s possible to treat it so if men don’t, then they are CHOOSING to not be treated and inflict their issue on others.

So to answer your question, these men are using women for their own benefit.
Like a lot of other men who do OLD for various other reasons.
Sexism and contempt for the woman/person in front of them. That’s what we need to tackle. Telling them stop OLD is more a kind to a vague slap on the wrist.

Seeing the % of time when women don’t come when they have sex even in a stable loving relationship), I’d say they would have no issue with it all.

Haha! Who says women in their late 40s and 50s are looking to date 'middle aged' men 😉?!

Fortunately I've not experienced this issue, but I'd lying if I said the idea that it might happen at some point didn't bother me.

Men can get ED when they are nervous, and middle aged can be nervous in the early stages of a relationship! It's no big deal often and once they are comfortable there isn't an issue, and a kind, good man will be looking after your needs too. Beyond a certain age, success rate for piv is not 100% you need to realise that but also date men you are emotionally compatible with rather than those who want the kind of sex that isn't for you.

@MintyMoocow

So those of us whose husbands dumped us in our 40's and 50's are doomed to a life alone? You haven't been there so you cannot know how you would feel. I'm in an amazing relationship now (well he's still snoring away leaving me to clean up the cat sick!) having thought my life was over 3 years ago. There's certainly life out there!

@motogirl but having erection problems because you are stressed at the start if the relationship isn’t having ED. It’s being stressed. As you said, the next time it will be different.

What the OP is talking about are men who can never get stiff or stiff enough for PIV. There are many reasons for that including hormone issues, diabetes etc etc. But the main issue is that they KNOW they won’t get hard. They know the sex will be crap. Unlike the case of the guy who is nervous and starts thinking it will be go.
The issue here is the lie. They are promising sex to their partner knowing it won’t happen. This is not ok, regardless of the lie btw.

I’ve decided that if I ever date again I’ll date younger men specifically to avoid getting embroiled in sorting out these issues.

The point is, it's incredibly selfish and cruel to wait until someone is invested in you to drop this massive bombshell. Someone did this to me when I was 33-34 and wasted 6-7 months of my time. I thought I was the problem because he insisted he'd never had issues before - it was a lie. He knew he had ED and instead of dealing with it, he buried his head in the sand, blamed every woman he was with, stalled and made excuses. He had never even seen a doctor about it or anything. Can you imagine a woman just burying her head in the sand about something like this? I can't.

"I have a lovely partner and a nice family life but don't understand why other women would want that"

Easy to say what you'd do in an imaginary situation, isn't it?

How would you enforce it? See if he can hang a towel on it before downloading the app?

@WouldBeGood but would they date you? Fit thirty-something guys aren’t really queuing up to date 50 year old women.

I agree with you.

You'd be very surprised. Plenty of them most definitely are. It's far more common outside the UK, but even here I know late 40 and 50 somethings who are shagging men in their thirties.

@pixie5121
yes dear of course that’s the case 😂😂😂

I was divorced and single in my 40s before Internet dating was a thing. I joined a singles group, which was very well organised, with various social events and activities, and realised quite soon that over half of men I met, between 40 and 50 had problems with ED, not always obvious, due to their carefully constructed avoidance tactics. I did not blame them or think they should not date, but, one younger woman was devastated by the way she had been told it had never happened before and
blamed for not being attractive enough etc. by one particular man, who was the first person she had dated since her previous relationship had ended. She was reassured by his previous 'victims', that it was not just her, but of course online dating wouldn't allow for that kind of conversation.
It is the man's sense of entitlement, and casting blame that is the biggest problem.

@PloppyMouth you sound very sheltered...bless.

Guess you haven't heard of Emmanuel Macron? Those kinds of age gaps are pretty commonplace in France. My Argentinian friend (38) is married to a 52-year-old woman he met six years ago when he was 32. I know a couple of women here in London in their very late forties and early fifties who both have much younger FWBs (and in one case they're pretty much officially dating now).

Perhaps you need to get out more.

So people over 50 aren't worthy of love? Strange point of view.

@pixie5121
anecdotes do not make data. I know one couple where the female is older than the male and literally hundreds the other way round.

Completely agree

And if a woman is genuinely ’traumatised’ by a man she has just started seeing not being able to get an erection, I think she is the one not in the right place for OLD, not the man

And the friends she tells should be encouraging her to get serious therapy for being in such a fragile state as to be traumatised by something like this,
not blaming men for having a medical condition

You tell me anecdotes don't make data and proceed to talk about people you know.

Good God.

I'm not surprised the people you know are sheltered and mainstream like you. I imagine we mix in very different circles.

Point is, it's far, far easier than you seem to think it is for an older woman to find a younger man, at least for sex, if not more.