ED - Is it fair men are online dating with this condition?

[mumieone]

Controversy, controversy. I'm aware it's a serious medical condition affecting many men over the age of 40.
Due to lack of education (as with menopause with woman) many men hide thier problem and feel shame to discuss with GP let alone admit to thier partner, wife, date and will blame her, booze, lack of sleep, state of mind, porn....medication etc

MANY females I've known have encountered one of these men on dating apps. It's been traumatic for the woman who have felt that they just were not turning the man on. The men on the other hand manage the shame and embarrassment of thier untreated illness by serial dating online. They just "keep it moving" ...before the issue gets to be a problem they dump, ghost and move on.

My friend argued with one ED man who blamed her being vanilla and not "rocking his mic" so to speak as why things didn't work. He is classic as he has been online dating with the same photo +10 years. Moving from bed to bed blaming woman for his untreated medical condition

I don't think these men should be online. It's ruining woman's confidence having to deal with men not taking control of thier health and seeking treatment before dating and bringing such heavy baggage into a relationship then buggering off and leave woman traumatised & lacking confidence.

Sorry, that's really not true. It's actually very easy as a 50 year old woman to get a man in his 20s/30s. It's getting a man in his 50s that's harder, but as this thread shows, they often aren't hard enough anyway.

As someone with gynaecological problems that mean I can’t always have sex and when I do it’s often excruciating, I guess I should never have done online dating either. How selfish of me to have wanted a relationship despite having health problems.

I'm sorry about your health problems.

I'm also pretty confident you don't approach a new relationship by claiming you've always had pain-free sex before so it must be something your new partner is doing wrong/they need to lose a bit of weight to make you wetter/they're just not very attractive. Right? That's the problem here. It is a thing, I've had friends tell me about it from their online dating days. Men project their problems outwards. #nam.

How are you missing the point so badly?

It is genuinely horrible when a man blames you for not being able to get it up. It absolutely messes with your head and self esteem. I was clued up enough to know that he was the issue and it still made me feel like shit.

It's dishonest and deceptive not to mention ED when you're dating. Same as having a very low sex drive. It's really horrible to waste people's time and get them invested when you know full well you're not going to be able to provide what they want/need.

I tried to be patient and understanding and was eventually ghosted when he realised he couldn't stall anymore and that, like all his other girlfriends, I wasn't happy to settle for a sexless relationship at age 34. He was just utterly deluded. Just refused to accept that he had a problem and try to sort it. It was easier to blame women.

@pixie5121

It would only ‘mess with your head’ if you place an incredibly unhealthy amount of importance and self worth in your value as a sexual partner

If it’s really messing with your head, you need therapy to work on your self worth and your boundaries
And definitely stay the fuck away from dating in such a fragile state

I don’t know anyone who is secure in themselves who would get upset over this, they would laugh it off and move on.

The condition is not the problem.
Blaming the woman for it is.
They should not do that.

What an absolute pile of gaslighting bullshit.

It would mess with any woman's head to be told there's something wrong with her vagina/body, he's never had this problem before, etc. For fucks sake, you don't need to be 'fragile' to be hurt by that!

It's completely normal to expect a healthy sex life in a new relationship. Just because your bar is on the floor, you think everyone else's should be.

You need help.

@pixie5121

wow, the anger and the projection! Not sure it’s me who needs help…

I just honestly can’t think of a time for me, or an occasion involving any friends, when a bloke not getting it up and then blaming a woman would have led to anything other than ‘ok, there is the door, because you sound desperately insecure’

i would say that’s a normal bar

The bar is on the floor when his reaction leaves you sobbing and wailing and questioning yourself and claiming he has messed with your head
To me, that just screams insecurity and unhealthy boundaries

Who said anything about sobbing and wailing? Stop gaslighting.

I did get annoyed with him, and that prompted the ghosting, because he was incapable of facing up to his issues, but if other women got upset, so what? It's not a crime to be insecure. If someone already has body issues and then meets an arsehole with ED who blames her for them, how is she the one in the wrong?

This is a very weird way if saying that people should be more upfront about their medicls issues that may affect the perosn they are dating and that issues regarding sex should be destigmatized and a man's worth should not be measured in sexual performance.

The first time I encountered death grip was from online dating men

@pixie5121

having seen some of your other threads about your dating issues and worries about it all, I’m not sure you are totally objective about it all

you obviously came at this thread from some very specific experiences, and as with your other threads, won’t really see any other point of views so it’s probably best that I stop engaging with you on this

I think my point still stands. If someone’s sexual expectations, experience, preferences don’t match yours, it’s not a reflection of you as a person
if they blame you for the mismatch or their issues, it’s not a reflection of you
if you take it all to heart and get embarrassed, upset or as the OP said ‘traumatised’, you are not in a good place and need some therapy about why you place so much value on it

over and out

@SW1amp it's really interesting that at the time I was dating that guy, I posted on another forum about the ED issue and was told to 'give him a chance', 'sex isn't everything', etc. I was even criticised and called shallow for expecting a man I was dating to be able to perform in bed.

Why is it that women are constantly expected to pander to men and their egos, but when a man tells us we're the problem, insults us and our body, implies they haven't had the issue before (when they absolutely have), we're supposed to just shake it off as if it's not hurtful and cruel?

It's internalised misogyny.

Fair point @PloppyMouth I’ll hide my wizened self away and accept any crumbs of attention from a suitably aged man

@lassof 😃

I am with you on this OP. It's the lying about it, blaming the women and the ED caused by porn-use that makes this so effed up. Plus, many men are on dating apps because they want a free prostitute on whose body they can act out the stuff they see in porn.

To some it's no different then ordering a pizza.

@WouldBeGood thats the spirit!
@Workquestion12 whats death grip?

I can see what you mean op. But it's hardly traumatic for the woman is it come on. Trauma gets banded about far too much these days and if she was that easily offended she shouldn't be having sex quite frankly.
Yes ED is an issue for lots of guys and the more knock backs they get about it the worse it becomes for them. Its a delicate issue isn't it and not one a man would bring up lightly I shouldn't think. Yes they should try to bring it up sooner rather than later but in reality that's a conversation for trusting relationship not for a one night stand .

@pixie5121
You are undeniably very angry about the situation you find yourself in, but I wonder if this level of anger is perhaps counterproductive to finding a partner, as you do desperately want

And I have had relationships long and short with men that suffer with ED. And I have never once been told or made to feel like it was in any way my fault.

It's not fair if they're lying and are not upfront about it. I wouldn't rule someone out with ED if they were above board, decent person and upfront, but that doesn't sound like the examples of men in the OP who are concealing their problem.

Menopause and possible dryness? Easily solved, but why is that even comparable? 🙄

As a heterosexual woman it is the best fun part of sex ..all the other stuff is fabulous but piv is the bit I like the most.
I've "had" in a very discombobulating way a couple of these guys, dated for around 9 months each and really liked both of them. It's not that the other stuff isn't great it's that they themselves get very wound up about it not working and deflect all thought that they need to see a doctor/therapist. I was very kind and sympathetic, happily appreciated everything else that was sexy and fun, was prepared to accept not have piv sex as they were great .. That actually made them more upset and angry with me.
Yes they're both still serially dating and breaking women's hearts.

I agree with this.

Are people saying a lot of ED is a result of porn. I thought it was mostly age related? I'm genuinely confused about death grip, having seen arguments on here about whether it exists. But I think too much porn must have some impact.

Indeed.

I agree that the problem is the lying and denial.

Having been in a relationship like this and being told it was my fault is upsetting even when I was experienced enough to know that the problem was very much his and his alone!