ED - Is it fair men are online dating with this condition?

[mumieone]

Controversy, controversy. I'm aware it's a serious medical condition affecting many men over the age of 40.
Due to lack of education (as with menopause with woman) many men hide thier problem and feel shame to discuss with GP let alone admit to thier partner, wife, date and will blame her, booze, lack of sleep, state of mind, porn....medication etc

MANY females I've known have encountered one of these men on dating apps. It's been traumatic for the woman who have felt that they just were not turning the man on. The men on the other hand manage the shame and embarrassment of thier untreated illness by serial dating online. They just "keep it moving" ...before the issue gets to be a problem they dump, ghost and move on.

My friend argued with one ED man who blamed her being vanilla and not "rocking his mic" so to speak as why things didn't work. He is classic as he has been online dating with the same photo +10 years. Moving from bed to bed blaming woman for his untreated medical condition

I don't think these men should be online. It's ruining woman's confidence having to deal with men not taking control of thier health and seeking treatment before dating and bringing such heavy baggage into a relationship then buggering off and leave woman traumatised & lacking confidence.

@NeverNoticedBefore but he told you it had never happened before , NEVER.
Which was obviously a complete lie

Do they all read off the same script? Mine said the same...never had an issue before. I didn't believe that for one moment, so next time we were drinking and he was a bit tipsy, I asked a few questions about previous partners. Turns out his ex dumped him because of the sex (he spun it to make her sound unreasonable...three years the poor woman wasted!) and he had a disastrous one night stand a while after that where he couldn't 'perform'.

It's absolutely mad how they think it's acceptable to make women insecure and paranoid when they know full well it's 100% their issue.

If he had been honest from the start, I'd have been happy to work with him. Sex definitely isn't the be all and end all for me either, I'm happy to settle for other things a lot of the time, my main focus is on finding a life partner and companion. But the lying and dishonesty poisons it all. And then turning it around on me when I finally had enough, as if I was being unreasonable and mean to question what exactly he was doing about it.

This guy had a gym membership and all he actually did at the gym was jacuzzi and sauna. I pointed out that his energy levels might improve if he actually ever did any exercise, even starting off with a bit of treadmill. No, the poor dear was 'too tired'.

Absolutely pathetic.

@Elecktra22 I don't blame them for wanting that either but I do want honesty from them upfront. That way I can make my own decision based on all the knowledge.

@notlongtoo ah you haven't read the thread at all have you

@notlongtoo that reads as a manual for a sex worker frankly. No, if he has a problem then he can solve it. Not his partner.

You see @notlongtoo I don't see things the same way.
I think that if a woman is enjoying PIV and expects that in her relationship, then there is no reason why she should forgo PIV and accept 'other stuff' instead just because they are pleasurable. They might but it's not the same and I don't thinnk she should put her needs/wants aside automatically because it's him who has an issue.

The other thing is that, what you describe, is treating the man as a child. You are talking about making effort to excite him sexually, that the woman should talk to him, find things that are pleasurable to both blablabla.
Just like you would support a child who is struggling with something, gently leading him and giving him support.
If you were talkimg about a LT relation, like a marriage, and a man wo is proving to be a real asset, suportive in mnay other ways etc... then making concessions etc... would have a place.

But NOT in the context on the dating scene. The first time you meeto someone isn't the time to make concession and accept less.

No way should they be dating without being upfront about it. I think this applies to both genders who for some reason do not want or are not able to have sex. Fine if they can find an appropriate partner but don’t lead someone on who expects something more conventional.

Who has talked about criticising the man?
The only thing we've talked about is the fact those men should be honest and up front instead of automatically say 'they've never had that issue before' and other comments that very squarely put the responsibility on the woman's shoulders.

It's great that you have ways of coping with your partner's ED.

But just people can find ways to cope with their partner's illness, it doesn't mean that the partner should AUTOMATICALLY find ways to cope with it.
It also take a particular person to be happy to START a relationship with someone who has a particular issue and work at it right from the start.

Dry birds? Lube...cherry lube, bannana lube.....dry or not dry men love it.

We don't like dipping johnied or Jonnie's high on Viagra...and men don't want to fix thier issues. Woman do fix thier issues. Also some men think foreplay is an old Latin word that died in wars long back

I think this is incredibly judgemental and rude, fair enough if there are men actively blaming women for their ED but to say anyone with ED shouldn't be dating is awful.

My lovely partner had ED when we first met, it was based on performance anxiety, we have been together 7 years and are getting married next year, should he have not been on tinder when I met him then?

This thread is absolutely insane 😂😂

Men can’t even be relied upon to be honest about whether or not they are single, and some posters want full disclosure on medical history?

it’s a (very) long time since I did OLD but it was a car crash then, and I imagine it’s a car crash now

Only a fool would take anything someone says in their profile or early
dates as gospel.

You need to have your wits about you, and a healthy dose of cynicism

And definitely a thick skin, because it’s hardly a den of chivalry and manners

If you are too sensitive to nasty comments, it’s not the place for you

Exactly no one said we are criticising the condition (neither praising it) but it's about full disclosure and common sense.

Why would a man with ED going into a relationship not disclose it? To me that is because he knows at the outset that he is NOT after a relationship but just a women for the moment that is why he is not addressing anything that involves a future.

That's what is so red flaggy about this!

If he is lying and wont admit - FAT chance he wants to fix it. And if he doesn't want to fix it what does it really say about where he thinks the relationship is going? Are you being expected to put up and shut up with unsatisfactory sex (yup... don't go pretending it was so fabulous it's really hard hard work).

Dry as the slang word not their vaginas….
lol I somehow didn’t even have that cross my mind!
Also, I was agreeing with you.

Women do carry their own issues and men except us to carry theirs as well. It’s sad and pathetic.

Thats a good point @sparechange . If men can’t be trusted to not be a relationship whilst OLD, no chance that those same type of men will ever tell they have ED.

Same old around sexism and treatment of women there to massage their ego really. Both expect to be listened to, great contact etc… during the date and both are ready to deceive Wo batting an eye lid.

@mumieone I think the bottom line is that many many men can’t be trusted and/or are deep in patriarchy/sexism. I suspect the % is even higher in OLD than in RL (for obvious reasons - the ones that aren’t are less likely to find themselves dating again - and again).

ED is for most a fairly trivial issue in itself, easily overcome by men who suffer it, and no real need for a sexual partner to even know which of the different remedies he uses to overcome it, or even that he needs to use something. It's daft to suggest that such men shouldn't look for partners, or that they must disclose such things in advance.

Oh, and to describe an erection helped by some form of ED as 'fake' shows a basic ignorance of anatomy!

Married women always say this but they dont know what it is like to live a;pne

It's so incredibly obnoxious. A work colleague who is married with two kids said she didn't understand why I felt lonely because she loves alone time. As if a few hours on a Friday night is the same as being completely alone day in, day out, through a sodding pandemic! I asked her why she got married and had kids if she loved alone time so much and she didn't have an answer to that.

I think some people just don't think before they open their mouths. I actually do like living alone the vast majority of the time but genuinely don't think most of the people who say stuff like that could hack it. They are all very codependent, whether they realise it or not.

@JustKittenAround
Dry as the slang word not their vaginas….
lol I somehow didn’t even have that cross my mind!

What does 'dry' mean in slang please?

Married women always say this but they dont know what it is like to live a;pne

Well, that's bollocks, isn't it? It may be true for some married women, but others won't have married till much later in life and will be very much aware of what it's like to live alone.

I speak as someone who's never been married, nor lived with anyone since I stopped renting a room in shared houses about 20 years ago. I'm 50 and dating, but I don't know that I'd want to share my home with anyone on a permanent basis.

Woman here, who whilst I'd probably disappointed in the moment because of not getting what I'd obviously at the time been hoping for, I would in no way be devastated or take it personally.
I think you are looking at this wrong. On the one hand you say its their issue to sort - indeed it is- but on the other you are saying women are devastated. Who are these devastated women? Perhaps instead of feeling aggrieved that they dare to date at all, look at why you take it personally so much when its clearly their problem. Maybe just weed these men out, like you would if they had something about their character that was unappealing?
Just move on, as you say, it's not your problem to fix.

It's not true of most. The vast majority of women have never lived alone, ever. The norm is parents' house > flatshares > living with partner. I barely know any other women who live alone or who have ever lived alone for a significant period of time and it was even less common 10 or 20 or 30 years ago.

It's not bollocks - perhaps I should have said older married women? It's easy and fun living on your own when you are young and single but when you are in your 50s and 60s after having a lifetime of living with people it's horrible. So many women say Oh I live alone when they have children. That is not alone. Alone is when you have no one to say good morning or good night to except the cat and for some yes that is enough but wasn't the original point.