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Original poster

MIL strange question

343 replies

JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:28

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

  • Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months
  • MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

  • She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.
  • I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.
  • DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.
  • MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

OP posts:
tealandteal · 23/05/2022 13:32

Have you checked your hospitals guidelines? Ours is still on one birth partner and one named visitor for the whole time you are there(so for most the birth partner and visitor would be the same person). That may solve the problem. Otherwise make it clear to your DP and your midwife that you do not want her there.

tealandteal · 23/05/2022 13:32

Just to reiterate you absolutely have control over this.

DowntonCrabby · 23/05/2022 13:33

Of course you have control over it. 100% so. As long as you, DP and your team know you don’t want anyone else in, even the pushiest of outsiders will not be able to access your labour room.

She’s maybe just being nosy as to whether you’ve asked your own DM. She doesn’t sound that pushy to be honest, more disinterested.

To guarantee it, just don’t tell anyone you’re in labour until the baby has arrived safely.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:34

tealandteal · 23/05/2022 13:32

Have you checked your hospitals guidelines? Ours is still on one birth partner and one named visitor for the whole time you are there(so for most the birth partner and visitor would be the same person). That may solve the problem. Otherwise make it clear to your DP and your midwife that you do not want her there.

Thanks. I've checked and apparently ours is 2 birth partners allowed now. This may change but if it goes down to one it will just be my DP

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:34

tealandteal · 23/05/2022 13:32

Just to reiterate you absolutely have control over this.

Thanks, I feel when it comes to DP and MIL I am out of control totally so this I'm hoping isn't just another thing that gets taken out of my hands

OP posts:
ILikeCrapTelly · 23/05/2022 13:34

Maybe she's not getting at anything? And just asking your DM if she'll be there?

I can see there's a backstory, and you're not close, but her asking your Mum that doesn't make me think she's trying to push her way in.

Just don't mention it to her, and don't ask her to be there if you don't want her to be.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/05/2022 13:35

I don't find it odd that someone would ask the mother of a pregnant woman if she would be attending the birth - for lots of women this is perfectly normal. Surely its just conversation?

ILikeCrapTelly · 23/05/2022 13:35

And to quote you replying to another poster:

Thanks, I feel when it comes to DP and MIL I am out of control totally

Your MIL can try and make you feel however she wants, but nip it in the bud with your DP right away.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:35

DowntonCrabby · 23/05/2022 13:33

Of course you have control over it. 100% so. As long as you, DP and your team know you don’t want anyone else in, even the pushiest of outsiders will not be able to access your labour room.

She’s maybe just being nosy as to whether you’ve asked your own DM. She doesn’t sound that pushy to be honest, more disinterested.

To guarantee it, just don’t tell anyone you’re in labour until the baby has arrived safely.

That's my choice but DP wouldn't agree he would at least want his family to know. It's a tough one. If they find out I know MIL will shoot up to hospital.

OP posts:
Wagw1 · 23/05/2022 13:36

It's a normal question, even with the co text you provided. She's just directing a pleasant inquiry to the other grandma to be.

ComDummings · 23/05/2022 13:36

I think she was just making clumsy conversation, possibly being nosy. You don’t have to have anyone there you don’t want and it’s nobody else’s business.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:36

ILikeCrapTelly · 23/05/2022 13:34

Maybe she's not getting at anything? And just asking your DM if she'll be there?

I can see there's a backstory, and you're not close, but her asking your Mum that doesn't make me think she's trying to push her way in.

Just don't mention it to her, and don't ask her to be there if you don't want her to be.

You are correct maybe it's me. I thought she may have wanted to be there and asked my mum if she was going to be then she should be allowed sort of thing?

OP posts:
Vsirbdo · 23/05/2022 13:37

You certainly do not need to have her there! From my experience hospitals don’t have waiting rooms either for people giving birth so at best she’d be somewhere within the hospital but I’d have a conversation with your DP about this and suggest that you don’t tell anyone you’re in labour and just announce the baby’s arrival.
I think you need to talk to him about boundaries when the baby is born and that his mum can’t just take over or expect to be at your home for hours while you’re trying to bond with the new baby.
it might also help to talk to your midwife about how visiting in the hospital can be managed

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:37

Wagw1 · 23/05/2022 13:36

It's a normal question, even with the co text you provided. She's just directing a pleasant inquiry to the other grandma to be.

Great thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:39

Vsirbdo · 23/05/2022 13:37

You certainly do not need to have her there! From my experience hospitals don’t have waiting rooms either for people giving birth so at best she’d be somewhere within the hospital but I’d have a conversation with your DP about this and suggest that you don’t tell anyone you’re in labour and just announce the baby’s arrival.
I think you need to talk to him about boundaries when the baby is born and that his mum can’t just take over or expect to be at your home for hours while you’re trying to bond with the new baby.
it might also help to talk to your midwife about how visiting in the hospital can be managed

Thanks I will have a chat with him. I have discussed this with him slightly before but not to a great extent as I think I need to, we both need time to bind with baby as we are nervous first time parents as it is.

OP posts:
Mischance · 23/05/2022 13:39

To be fair, she asked your Mum if she was going to be there, rather than saying she wants to be there herself - have I got that right? If so, I should not do anything about this - just ignore it.

The other thing you could do at some point in the next few weeks is to simply say what you have decided about people being there at the birth .... "We have decided it will just be OH with me at the birth." - or whatever you decide. That way it is all clear to everyone.

maddy68 · 23/05/2022 13:40

She is just asking ? Personally I would only want my husband there but some people have their mum. She's not expecting to be there. You are reading too much into this

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:40

Mischance · 23/05/2022 13:39

To be fair, she asked your Mum if she was going to be there, rather than saying she wants to be there herself - have I got that right? If so, I should not do anything about this - just ignore it.

The other thing you could do at some point in the next few weeks is to simply say what you have decided about people being there at the birth .... "We have decided it will just be OH with me at the birth." - or whatever you decide. That way it is all clear to everyone.

Thanks @Mischance I'm just worried more so after birth when the baby is here and she will be waiting outside the labour ward and ask to come in once DP has text to say she is born. I wanted that time to bond really.

I would try to have a conversation with MIL but she doesn't respond to my texts and doesn't come to our home for us to speak to her together. She goes through DP a lot of the time without me there so I don't really know what is being said or agreed.

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 23/05/2022 13:40

JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:35

That's my choice but DP wouldn't agree he would at least want his family to know. It's a tough one. If they find out I know MIL will shoot up to hospital.

Show quote history

Your DP needs to listen to you and respect your wishes. You aren’t going into this particular situation with 50/50 weighting being given to both of your feelings. As the person who will be giving birth your wishes come first. It’s really important he understands this. Putting unnecessary stress on you is not only unfair, but could inhibit your labour too. You need to feel as relaxed and supported as possible at this time.

Ihatethenewlook · 23/05/2022 13:41

Op, it was only a question, and not an unusual one. I think you’re getting a little carried away here. Though I will ask why you’re marrying a man who is apparently willing to put his batty mothers wishes above your own.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:41

maddy68 · 23/05/2022 13:40

She is just asking ? Personally I would only want my husband there but some people have their mum. She's not expecting to be there. You are reading too much into this

I would hope I am but I know how pushy she can be with DP

OP posts:
Hana89 · 23/05/2022 13:41

You have every right to only have the person/people you want there. I understand this must be such an exciting time for her, especially if your DP is a real focus for her/maybe her favourite, but I think DP is going to need to gently, but firmly explain to her that you and he want some time with your new-born before any other visitors come in, and that yes, she'll be one of the first visitors welcome but that it won't be straight after the birth, and you'd both prefer it if she didn't wait literally at the hospital.
She might be a bit disappointed, maybe even a little hurt, but ultimately that is not your main concern. All you should be expected to think about is you and your baby as you embark on the amazing journey of motherhood.
I think it is really important that DP step up and be the one to explain all this to his mum though. It shouldn't be up to you to manage that situation.
You are the one birthing a new human being. He can be the one to have the tricky conversations.
Good luck OP!
And congratulations!

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:44

Hana89 · 23/05/2022 13:41

You have every right to only have the person/people you want there. I understand this must be such an exciting time for her, especially if your DP is a real focus for her/maybe her favourite, but I think DP is going to need to gently, but firmly explain to her that you and he want some time with your new-born before any other visitors come in, and that yes, she'll be one of the first visitors welcome but that it won't be straight after the birth, and you'd both prefer it if she didn't wait literally at the hospital.
She might be a bit disappointed, maybe even a little hurt, but ultimately that is not your main concern. All you should be expected to think about is you and your baby as you embark on the amazing journey of motherhood.
I think it is really important that DP step up and be the one to explain all this to his mum though. It shouldn't be up to you to manage that situation.
You are the one birthing a new human being. He can be the one to have the tricky conversations.
Good luck OP!
And congratulations!

Thanks @Hana89 and that's exactly what I want to happen with the situation. However I don't think DP will explain this to his mum as she will get upset and he will try and avoid that. I've got a task on my hands here.

OP posts:
Rosebuud · 23/05/2022 13:44

Asking if your mum will be there is quite normal. Many mothers are. Mainly becayse the daughter wants them there rather than they want to

I cannot for the life of me think that’s why your mil asked. Why would she want to be there, it ain’t pretty,

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 23/05/2022 13:45

Sounds like a nice question from mil! And I'm sure she wasn't angling for an invite herself. In the nicest possible way, don't over analyse what she says.