MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?
 
Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

[Newestname002]

@JulyDreams

@DonnyBurrito I massively feel railroaded into accepting people around. Me and DP have been made out to be the nasty ones in the family in recent times. If we place boundaries with his family etc it's me being controlling of DP. Whole family are toxic.

Maybe it's time to embrace the "nasty" label then OP? You'd need to be strong not just in your own behalf, but also your partner's, as they've got him well-trained currently...

What would you really be losing if you went very low contact with them? If you were to "grey rock" them until they made less of an impression on your lives? What quality of life do you have now if you are constantly on hyper alert and on eggshells to be doing the "right thing" - AKA doing what they want, rather than what's right for you?

You and your DP would need professional therapy help in order to achieve a good result but, with YEARS of your current situation ahead, perhaps it would be worth it? 🌹

[Newestname002]

Oops - that was meant for @JulyDreams ! 🌹

[Delinathe]

You don't have to let her in, as others have said. I hope your DP stands by what he's said.

She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren

I did find this a little odd though. Why would she? Isn't that your job? My parents and PIL are very loving grandparents but they didn't buy anything for DS before he was born, is that a normal expectation? I'd have thought people liked to choose their own things.

[TheOriginalClownfish]

Well if they think you are nasty and there's nothing you can do to change your label, you may as well earn it.

It doesn't bode well that you dont trust your own husband right now. Ask him to see the messages that he's sent to his family.

I'd be willing to bet that all and any nastiness that they attribute to you stems from him using you as a scapegoat for both of you and maybe even moaning about you to them making the whole disconnect between you and his family worse than it had to be. He's not in your corner.

[Delinathe]

your not married your not really family yet

Well that's bullshit.

[JulyDreams]

@Delinathe I do really like to chose my own things but it's the fact she doesn't treat all grandchildren equal. Other grandchildren got boxes and boxes of gifts.

[JulyDreams]

@Delinathe had that shoved down my throat from DP's family also. Apparently I'm 'nothing' to do with them as not yet married.

[SafferUpNorth]

@JulyDreams well if you're feeling railroaded now, you HAVE to be VERY firm about what you want, to your DP and his family. If you don't draw a firm line in the sand and set boundaries now - at this absolutely lifechanging time for you and DP - you're going to be railroaded and trampled by them for years to come.
Maybe write an email to close family on both sides (your MIL but also your own mum and sister) stating your wishes briefly and firmly:

"Dear all, a quick note to let you know arrangements with regards visiting after baby's birth. I might decide to have mum or sister with me as an extra birth partner to support me during labour. But we will not be accepting visitors in hospital, and once we are home, would like a bit of time to settle and bond as a little family. We will let you know the moment we're up for having visitors. Please could you pass this on to any other family members. Thank you, July"

[SafferUpNorth]

@JulyDreams

@Delinathe had that shoved down my throat from DP's family also. Apparently I'm 'nothing' to do with them as not yet married.

@JulyDreams Well, if you're 'nothing' to do with them, they are nothing to do with you. Feel NO obligation to accommodate them. Remember, YOU are the one giving birth.

[DonnyBurrito]

@JulyDreams

@DonnyBurrito I massively feel railroaded into accepting people around. Me and DP have been made out to be the nasty ones in the family in recent times. If we place boundaries with his family etc it's me being controlling of DP. Whole family are toxic.

Oh, nastier than treating a living person like a baby making machine? 🙄 My MIL is something else, but she at least pretended to like me while I was pregnant.

You don't have a good relationship with any of them, which is obviously a shame (that they aren't nicer), but it also works in your favour as it will make it easier for you to be strict with them! There's not going to be any love lost. It's actually a good place to be in with dysfunctional people. You don't have to pander and pretend. You can also not participate in their visits! All good things.

If your partner won't show you the messages to prove that he's got your back, then it seems like you're going to have to take the reigns and be strict yourself. Reasonable, but strict.

If you're too tired to be strict with them after the baby is born, at the very least you can control how long the baby is away from you. I would say absolutely no longer than 2 hours for the first 12 weeks (this is what I wish I had done!). Even at 9 months I won't let my son be taken off to see my partners family for longer than 3 hours.

And remember not to JADE any of your decisions that are in yours and your childs best interests! Please, learn from my mistakes 😁

You will find your strength to deal with them as time goes on. Don't worry, you will always be in control of what happens with your child. They can't take him/her from you, all they can do is bully your DP (if you yourself are NC). Not nice, but if they do start to do this to him, he might start to realise that you're all better off without them himself.

Good luck 💐

[Fraaahnces]

You are being made to feel like the nasty one? So what? Nobody can MAKE you feel anything without your permission. If they’re that judgmental about you not being married, are they going to harp on about your baby’s legitimacy, too? Are you going to let that happen to your baby? Do you seriously think their attitudes would change if you got married now? Your DP keeps throwing you under the bus because HE can’t stand up to them. Don’t let this happen.

[Butitssafe]

How’s it going @JulyDreams

[JulyDreams]

@Butitssafe I've done my birth plan now which states I will have my mum and my partner with me only. If anyone wants to visit hospital I would need to be asked when I can actually make a decision for myself. If not they can come and visit us at home when we are settled, I've told DP this and apparently he's told darling MIL!

I saw MIL last weekend and told her the same but got no response.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This woman does not consider you family in her eyes hence no response. Stop seeing her. Besides which you would not tolerate this from a friend.

What does your man think of his mother’s behaviour now?. He is really key here. Did he say anything to you about his mothers response to your birth plan?. And what about the arrangements for when you, he and baby arrive home?.

I would still consider giving this child your surname rather than his going forward. Your man is a wet lettuce when it comes to his mother and remains unable and perhaps even unwilling to stand up for either of you here. He is that conditioned by her and would rather see you upset that his mother. He has been led to believe that the sky will fall in if she is upset in any way.

[UniversalAunt]

In brief, do not marry into this family.
So many red flags already, so why make a public commitment/legally bind yourself into this toxic crew?

It looks like your OH has some growing up & away from his mother & his tribal (for that is what they are en masse) to achieve a rounded adult emotional independence. This is his challenge & you are under no moral or emotional obligation to be co-opted in to their ‘crazy’ to make his life smoother or hassle free. This is his shit to sort out, not yours to clear up. By all means, encourage him to change his dynamics with them & build better boundaries, but it’s not your business to accommodate them. The time for him to start is now, if not yesterday. His life has already changed with you & he needs to continue with the change.

[UniversalAunt]

At this stage, I don’t think your OH has the strength or backbone to resist his mother if she turns up on your doorstep as soon as you get home.

I suggest that you stay with your mum for a few days rather than go straight home, so that you can have a good rest without the angst of a doorstep ambush. His mother will not mess with your mum, she has no claims on that turf.

If not stay with your mum, then ask her to stay with you to help & support you, OH & your family. With your mum at the front door, his mum will not be so sure of herself.

[Shedcity]

@JulyDreams

Honestly I really wish I could do this but DP could text his mum I've gone into labour.

I will speak to DP tonight about it.

This is the Crux of it
your issue is nothing to do with MIL and everything to do with DP.

Dp telling her you’re in labour
dp seeing her without you and not including you ever
do not addressing any of the issues
dp agreeing she could sit in the waiting room

MIL can want what she wants, but it’s irrelevant if dp communicates and enforces your requests as a couple.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

This is the Crux of it
your issue is nothing to do with MIL and everything to do with DP

Spot on, Shedcity (and everyone else who's said it)

I very much hope to be wrong, but from experience doubt this relationship will end well - certainly it's good advice not to marry until something's sorted out