MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

@JulyDreams That's my choice but DP wouldn't agree Well it's not his to agree on! He isn't the one giving birth!

I think she might well feel a bit of competition with your own DM. It's best if your DP tells her that the plan is for him, and him alone, to be with you (of course, plans can change ).
The waiting in the waiting room idea is daft, because that could be a LOT of hanging about in the middle of the night - best if your DP reassures her that she will be contacted as soon as there's an outcome to report, not during the labour.
Thirdly, restrict visits to half an hour max, once you're ready for visitors. This sI normal, and anyone staying longer in the first days/weeks is being very selfish, unless you want them there. Claim tiredness (won't be a lie!).
One other point: tell DP not to share your thoughts about names with her before the birth. He can listen to her suggestions, fine, and then announce when you've decided, after the LO has arrived. :)
Try not to worry xx

I don't care if she's upset, it's DP that won't allow it. Im late twenties.

Um, what? He won't "allow" it? What does that even mean?

The question that your partner's mother asked your mother was deliberate and there was no friendliness behind that either. She does not or will not ever regard you as family because you're not married to her son. She may well think that you stole him away from her. Its not your fault nor your man's that she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Re a comment that SamphirethePogoingStickerist wrote:-
"He MUST make the change from being his mother's son to being your partner the father of your child - last apron strings need to be dropped".

Precisely.

And what sort of job does he have that entails he having to collect metalwork from his parents house as they run their own metalwork supply business?. Someone else now needs to do this rather than your man who does come across here as being conditioned by his mother to be subservient and parent pleasing when it comes to her. He would much rather see you upset that she because he is very afraid of her. He really does think the sky will fall in if he upsets her.

You and he need to present a united front, set and maintain clear boundaries when it comes to his mother or she will walk all over the two of you via her son.

Thank you for your comment

His mother also wants to be at the birth so she can play at being Number 1 Grandmother to your child and also stick one to your mother. Both your man and you really do need to keep yourselves as well as your child well away from her going forward because such situations do not improve any. And apart from anything else controlling behaviour is rooted in abuse.

No, you and your DP are not pregnant. Only you are pregnant. And that is important, because it is only your decision who should be at the birth.

You don’t need to have anyone in the birthing room unless you want them, I’d probably have preferred MIL to my mum but then that says a lot about my mum! I only had DH there & midwife.

That said, I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth.

I don’t think one grandparent should have priority on meeting their grandchild over the other, not so that MIL gets invited into the birthing room, but she should be allowed to come and meet the baby as soon as possible and not be told to stay away. Your DP has as much right to introduce his newborn to his family as you do.

You're welcome Judy but I have come across disordered of thinking women like your MIL before and they all play out this script or versions thereof.

Re your own comment
"Do I have any control over this?"

Yes. You are the one giving birth and it's your decision totally here.

"I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this".

Yes!. All concerns should also be written down.

I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?"

No!!!. The only one who has and continues to behave badly here is your man's mother.

It was a simple question. You’re reading far too much into it.

I think you need to stop saying "we are pregnant", and "me and DP are pregnant", and "I want this re. birth but he wants this".

Reframe this in your mind. He is not pregnant. Not at all. You are. If you don't want HIM there, he has no right to be there, let alone his mother. It is your body, your pregnancy.

IN case you're interested - I had an NHS out patient hospital appointment last week - there were still notices every where saying only the patient was allowed to wait/attend the appointment, no one else. So I doubt THREE people at the birth would be allowed - that's a crowd (and you are not giving out tickets for a show!). Also my experience of NHS hospital Waiting Rooms is they are usually over crowded and very short on chairs!

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth.
Don't worry - she cannot.
Only YOU get to decide who is at the birth.
Confide in your midwife, & make sure the hospital is fully aware that you want

1. nobody at the birth except (etc) & 2) no visitors immediately after the birth except (etc)

I would try to have a conversation with MIL but she doesn't respond to my texts and doesn't come to our home for us to speak to her together. She goes through DP a lot of the time without me there so I don't really know what is being said or agreed.
She doesn't have to respond you your texts to have read them.
If you texted her along the lines of "hi mum said it was lovely to see you & you are asking about the birth. We're looking forward to introducing you to the baby when s/he is safely delivered & we are comfortable at home, (cheery signoff)"
... would she take that at face value, or keep pushing do you think?

Either way, I think you should send something like that, & do NOT discuss it with DP first. You don't need his permission to manage your own birth plan.

Once you've sent it, discuss it with DP.
Tell him how important it is to you to have bonding time just with your closest people. If he argues for his mum - tell the truth: she is NOT one of your close people & that is by her own choice, so she does not get to visit until you are home, comfortable & feeling presentable.
If that takes a few days - so be it - you cannot predict how the birth will go, & you want him to ensure you have the time you need to recover, & not deal with anyone but your closest family.

You and your DP are not pregnant and only one of you will be giving birth as well, I certainly wouldn't want someone I wasn't even close to present while I was in labour, it's a very private experience

is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?
No. Problem solved.

In all seriousness if you’re worried your DP will invite her to the hospital or she’ll try to be in the room, rest assured that you’re the patient and what you say goes: you can write it in your birth plan, let the midwives know on the ward, etc etc. It’s not a free-for-all where she can wander in or sneak in. They won’t be interested in DP’s thoughts on the subject either: you’re their patient. He’s not. He’s only there at your invitation; they’d kick him out if you asked.

Thanks for your comment and it wasn't about the priority about one grandparent meeting her above the other first it was who I most felt comfortable with meaning that would be my own mum over MIL who won't say two words to me
and does not regard me as family. Having her their would completely stress me out and my birth is going to have complications anyway.

if I said it, it would be an entirely normal and innocent question, meaning nothing more than ‘will you being at the birth to support your daughter’. Yes, No or don’t know yet would all be acceptable or valid answers. I would be totally boggled that you thought anything else.

As a MIL, I would like to come and see the baby soon after the birth but have no comment on who else might be in the room and that’s entirely my DiL’s choice.

Look there are quite a few red flags on here that your MIL could be a bloody nightmare - at or just after the birth and then maybe after that as well.

It is NOT normal to ask to be at the birth just after you have announced the pregnancy. It is NOT normal that the MIL is at the birth unless the mother and her are exceptionally close - which you aren't.

You and your DP need to be a team and be on the same page.

Your DP and you have to tell her, she cannot be at the hospital - end of. Full stop.

She has to respect your wishes. You are right, you need that time to bond with your baby. Also you just don't know what's going to happen. My DC - DS1 emergency c section and I was in hospital for 4 days (everything was fine, sounds worse than it was). DS2 - VBAC - I was out within 12 hours.

You need to put boundaries in place when she can and can't visit there after.

She's asked DP if she can be there and if not then she will be in the waiting room.

You and the baby are the patients here. Not him. He can agree that the man in the moon be there, it means nothing in terms of patient wishes. You, the baby, your wishes, your needs and your well being are the ONLY thing that matters when you give birth. His sum role is as a support to you.

She's got no relationship with you, doesn't want one, she's made it clear that you aren't considered part of her family so why why would you think you owe it to her that she gets to see you at your most vulnerable, naked, and likely being critical about how you are giving birth. Fuck that. Frankly, your fanny, your rules.

One of the best bits of advice we took on board was the ante natal midwife telling us not to tell anyone when labour started. We had total peace and quiet to get on with the job, just us, working on getting our baby into the world. And she also said not to tell people for the first hour or two - just because you'd get inundated with texts and calls and the first few hours are far too wonderful to miss because you are out in the hall reeling off the birth stats for the 10th time.

We waited 6 hours to tell anyone the baby was born and those hours were just so very lovely, just us cocooned up together, the three of us, no interruptions. It will always be my very favourite part of becoming a mum.

I'm quite confused with this tbh. There was nowhere for people to wait when I was in labour and no-one was allowed in just after the birth to see the baby. They had to wait till visiting time which, because of when I gave birth, was twelve hours later.
If you feel you can't rely on your DP then you need to put in your birthing plan that you only want your mum (with her full name) and your DP to be your birthing partners and everyone else has to wait till visiting time. I'm very surprised anything else would happen anyway. I also don't think your MIL's question was strange. You're overthinking all of this.

Thank you- I'm going to give my midwife a call closer to my due date and discuss my concerns about all this away from DP.

I am hoping she can then relay this to the labour ward and I'll also write this on my birth plan.

This was a thing many years ago, but purely on television. I gave birth in the US in 2000 and again in 2001 and there was no waiting area on the maternity ward. I did ask my MIL to attend the first birth as she and I have a wonderful relationship, so it was her and DH.

What a strange response to a normal question. My mother was asked by her friends and coworkers if she was going to be present when I gave birth (only daughter, squeamish husband). I would not have assumed they were angling for an invite too 😂

Thanks I agree I'm in charge it's just DP won't allow MIL to be upset so sometimes I have to compromise and not be in charge just to keep her happy

This is not right, & you cannot continue living like this.
PP recommended Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward upthread.
Please get a a copy - you are going to need it.

The problem isn't your MiL's odd mix of indifference & pushiness. It's your DP's enmeshment with her. He is going to allow her to trample all over boundaries you want to have in place for your baby unless you start standing up for yourself.

What you have done so far isn't working, because your DP still kowtows to his mother at your expense. What are his medium term plans with regard to working for his parents' business? Because it's going to be hard to make him see himself, with you, as the sole arbiters of decisions for your baby & your home while he is still popping home to mummy several times a week.

He needs to escape her influence, & grow up.
You hinted upthread about "making decisions" if he continues to squash your feeling in order to pander to his mother's.
If he doesn't grow up, & away from his DM's influence, you may find that the added pressure of raising a child AND dealing with his need to put his DM first is too much for you, & that you are looking hard at the option of leaving.
That would be tremendously sad, but it's an alternative you may want to make DP aware of at some point, when you feel up to tackling it.

Have a discussion with your partner about how long you’re likely to be in hospital and in what state. Basically in the UK (assuming you’re in the UK) they kick you out so quick that there isn’t really time for visitors anyway, unless you had a really tough birth and in that case you may not want visitors. Would you feel more comfortable with the idea of MIL meeting you at home to meet baby? Maybe your mum could come too for that first meeting if you’re worried about not being able to breastfeed with MIL around?