MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?
 
Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

[JulyDreams]

@airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL

Sounds like a nice question from mil! And I'm sure she wasn't angling for an invite herself. In the nicest possible way, don't over analyse what she says.

Knowing MIL I think she was holding on for an invite knowing her @airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL but I will try not to look to into it

[MajesticallyAwkward]

It sounds like you have a problem with your dh as much as mil. He needs to step up now and speak to your dh, tell him what you want and that he has to control the situation and make it clear that his mother will not be at the hospital.

Maybe rephrase things for yourself to get control back. YOU are pregnant, YOU are giving birth and your wants and preferences are what matters during the birth.

[Borisblondboufant]

I think people see American dramas with people waiting whilst people give birth and think it’s a thing here. Where I gave birth there is a desk and a security door, there’s not really a waiting area, except a few chairs by an external door.

[Finalcountdowntoourtripaway]

Remember the baby is your baby before it is mil's dgc.. You aren't close. Having a baby doesn't give her rights to intrude in your most private time. Regardless if she is dps dm. He isn't giving birth. Or bf... If you need your dm there that is fine.. Your dp doesn't need his hand held. So no need for her to be there. Don't get dragged into that keeping things fair between the Granny's shite...

[JulyDreams]

@Borisblondboufant

I think people see American dramas with people waiting whilst people give birth and think it’s a thing here. Where I gave birth there is a desk and a security door, there’s not really a waiting area, except a few chairs by an external door.

Same as our hospital really. There is a day assess unit which is one floor down with a waiting room but I don't think she would be allowed in there.

[JulyDreams]

@Finalcountdowntoourtripaway

Remember the baby is your baby before it is mil's dgc.. You aren't close. Having a baby doesn't give her rights to intrude in your most private time. Regardless if she is dps dm. He isn't giving birth. Or bf... If you need your dm there that is fine.. Your dp doesn't need his hand held. So no need for her to be there. Don't get dragged into that keeping things fair between the Granny's shite...

Already had DP shove that on me at times.
I'm already stressed and I'm trying to mellow out about the whole thing but it's impossible. MIL is a powerful influence over DP best of times but just wanted this one thing to be for ourselves.

[Wilburisagirl]

I think you're reading too much into her question based on your history with her. I think it's a fairly standard question to ask the birthing woman's mum.

Having said that, you need to get your DP on side. To be frank, it's not up to him. It's your body getting put through the ringer, if you want a few hours or a day or two to recover, sleep, learn how to breastfeed etc then that is your perogative. However I also think allowing people to come for a short visit in a controlled environment like the hospital is good - they feel like they've been able to
meet the baby straight away but hospital environment and rules prevent them staying too long (and you don't have to entertain).

In my experience, visitors weren't actually permitted in the birthing suite, only once you're on the ward. And they don't rush you into the ward. They let you bond, have a first breastfeed, then do all the tests and checks on baby, let you shower and get dressed and then move you onto the ward. With my first, she was born at 4am but I wasn't moved to the ward until 7.30am. By that time I was desperate to show off my baby to anyone who would look haha.

[MintJulia]

OP, as a fall-back, make it clear in your birth plan that you only want your mum and your dp for the birth and 24hours following. The midwives will only allow those people
Then show your plan to your dp. He is there to act as your advocate.

[Hoppinggreen]

@JulyDreams

Thanks, I feel when it comes to DP and MIL I am out of control totally so this I'm hoping isn't just another thing that gets taken out of my hands

You really need to work on this. Otherwise you will get shit out of all sorts of things to do with your child. Usually in these cases it’s your DP that’s as much as issue as his mother
Try and access your inner Tiger Mum and start to advocate for your child and yourself as soon as possible

[katmarie]

You are going to go through one of the most challenging things you will ever do, physically and emotionally, when you deliver your baby, whichever way it happens. It's widely shown that an increase in stress levels can slow down labour, making giving birth harder still.

www-ncbi-nlm-nih-gov.libezproxy.open.ac.uk/pmc/articles/PMC1595201/

I think you need to be blunt with your DP, if he wants the best for you and the baby, he will do whatever it takes to make it clear to his mother that she will not be anywhere near the hospital until she is invited to see the baby. If he can't step up to protect you when you are going to be at your most vulnerable, and if he can't see that in failing to do so, he puts you and baby at risk of a more difficult delivery, then I think you have to have a very tough conversation with him.

[Aquamarine1029]

Nothing you've written indicates in any way that your MIL wants to be there when you give birth. You sound a bit paranoid.

[Hoppinggreen]

SHUT out not Shit - although you will probably get plenty of that as well

[JulyDreams]

@katmarie

You are going to go through one of the most challenging things you will ever do, physically and emotionally, when you deliver your baby, whichever way it happens. It's widely shown that an increase in stress levels can slow down labour, making giving birth harder still.

www-ncbi-nlm-nih-gov.libezproxy.open.ac.uk/pmc/articles/PMC1595201/

I think you need to be blunt with your DP, if he wants the best for you and the baby, he will do whatever it takes to make it clear to his mother that she will not be anywhere near the hospital until she is invited to see the baby. If he can't step up to protect you when you are going to be at your most vulnerable, and if he can't see that in failing to do so, he puts you and baby at risk of a more difficult delivery, then I think you have to have a very tough conversation with him.

Thanks and totally agreed- thanks for the link. If worse comes to worse and my wishes are ignored it's likely myself and DP will be having words after and I may have to make a decision somewhere

[JulyDreams]

@Aquamarine1029

Nothing you've written indicates in any way that your MIL wants to be there when you give birth. You sound a bit paranoid.

She's asked DP if she can be there and if not then she will be in the waiting room.

[MrsMoastyToasty]

Don't tell her when you go into labour.
Tell everyone after the event.
Job done.

[Echobelly]

I don't see it as an odd question, seems quite reasonable in circumstances.

[ShirleyPhallus]

I’ve read this about 5 times - where does MIL say she actually wants to be at the birth? She hasn’t had she, just a perfectly normal question to the other grandma.

Some of the stuff sounds off but some of it you sound very precious. I wouldn’t expect anyone to buy my baby presents before they’ve arrived!

[JulyDreams]

@MrsMoastyToasty

Don't tell her when you go into labour.
Tell everyone after the event.
Job done.

Honestly I really wish I could do this but DP could text his mum I've gone into labour.

I will speak to DP tonight about it.

[MintJulia]

Thinking back, I had ds at 7.50am and I wasn't moved to the the ward for 12 hours. During that time, only dp was allowed in.
There were no waiting rooms. Your MIL will find herself stuck in the hospital cafe. She'd be much better staying at home and seeing her dgc on a video call.

When will MILs understand birth is a physically intimate process and they have no part to play until they are invited in by the woman who has just given birth.

[JulyDreams]

@ShirleyPhallus

I’ve read this about 5 times - where does MIL say she actually wants to be at the birth? She hasn’t had she, just a perfectly normal question to the other grandma.

Some of the stuff sounds off but some of it you sound very precious. I wouldn’t expect anyone to buy my baby presents before they’ve arrived!

She asked DP if she could be at the birth when I first announced I was pregnant, I probably should have included it in my original post. She then said if she can't be then she will be waiting in the waiting room until after she's born.

The presents me and DP just stupidly expected as she flooded her other grandkids with boxes and boxes of presents before they were born. I though she would have done the same with ours but just appears not.

[Stade197]

Check with your maternity ward on their rules. My hospital has waiting rooms but with current restrictions at hospitals the rules are that visitors aren't allowed to wait in them. You are allowed 2 birth partners, and after birth when you go to the ward they can only be with you during visiting hours (I gave birth at 2am and my partner was rold to leave when I went to the ward at 3am).
It also has to be the same 2 people with you, you can't have one leave and a different person come in so if MIL does go to the hospital she won't be allowed to see you if you already have DP & DM with you

Also even though this is DPs baby too it is your birth so you get to decide who is allowed in the room with you. I just had DP at the birth with me and when I went home that afternoon I let partners family come round to see the baby, I was so exhausted so it was nice to have them there fussing over baby so I could sneek off for a cheeky nap

[ancientgran]

Maybe she was just asking a polite question with no hidden meaning or devious plan, just a question.

[Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]

Check if your hospital has visiting hours. The whole thing might be an non issue. Try and not let it stress you out. Realistically you could be in the hospital for hours and hours. She's not really thinking of the reality of it. My parents said something similar- that they'd be outside waiting but realistically they weren't going to. Also just keep remembering you're in control. In the end my poor parents waited all day for visiting times and just got in when DH texted to say you'll have to wait because she's feeding and just grabbed a nurse to help make sure she's doing it right.

[babysleephelp]

It's just competitiveness because MIL is worried your mum will be more involved than she will. It's only the start op... sorry!

[Ethelfromnumber73]

My MIL was paranoid re her getting an equal share of any grandkids compared to my mum for years before we even had them. It sounds like yours is similar and there's therefore a good chance that she might attempt to even things up with your mum and say she wants to be at the birth. Your OH needs to tell her to bog off