Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL strange question

343 replies

JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:28

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

  • Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months
  • MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

  • She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.
  • I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.
  • DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.
  • MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 25/05/2022 11:06

@MarieIVanArkleStinks I don't trust him to get the full message across or mention face to face.

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 25/05/2022 11:06

Thanks everyone I'll be removing that part. Unless someone can type a message for me and I will be sending it!!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/05/2022 11:31

Not trusting your partner that you are about to have a baby with is a BIG thing.

Reflect on the fact that you don't trust him.

Be careful OP.

You have not chosen well in this man.

Protect yourself.

Don't depend on someone you don't trust.

You will bitterly regret it if you do.

Stay close to your family and give that baby YOUR name.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2022 11:45

You are dealing with a woman who does not and will not play by the "normal" rules of familial relations. Her two men are browbeaten and conditioned to act out of wanting a quiet life. The rule book really does go out the window when it comes to such dysfunctional families.

What Billy1966 wrote here particularly with regards to giving your child your surname rather than his. Sadly your man is truly a wet lettuce when it comes to his overbearing mother, his own inertia re her only serves to further hurt him as well as you. I would also presume his dad acts similarly out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

LaBellina · 25/05/2022 11:46

I would remove the part where you say that you hope she understands this.
I would say ‘I trust that you will observe my wishes and won’t try to override them during a very vulnerable time’

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2022 12:03

He needs to be writing something like this. With such dysfunctional people it is best not to JADE your decisions. JADE is an acronum for justify, argue, defend or explain.

Mum and Dad

We wanted to let you know what we have decided in regards to (your name; for this purpose I have called you Henrietta) giving birth to our first born. As birth can be a highly medicalised procedure we have decided on receiving no visitors during our entire stay in hospital.

We will return home to rest and in those first few days spend time together with each other and and as new parents to our child. We will send the same photos to both you and Henrietta's Mother.

StopStartStop · 25/05/2022 12:09

Good grief, what a cheeky fucker your mil is.

And apart from that, what @AttilaTheMeerkat says.

Fraaahnces · 26/05/2022 13:03

Too many words.
DH should write “Mum, it’s not appropriate for you to announce that you will come to the hospital. We will let you know when we are home and up to seeing visitors. You won’t be allowed in at the hospital and visiting at home will be determined by sleeping and feeding schedule.”

Original poster
JulyDreams · 26/05/2022 13:29

So update. I have DP's word that he spoke to MIL yesterday reference my birth wishes. He has said to her I want just himself and my Mum at the birth. He's said we will be receiving visitors as soon as we are home. As they have their own private chats I don't exactly know what was said in detail or her response but can only trust the cards have been laid out.... Confused

OP posts:
iRun2eatCake · 26/05/2022 14:02

I wouldn't trust anything

Naunet · 26/05/2022 14:18

I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth

I really hate how unfair it is that my mum will never get to watch my husband have his penis split in two whilst he births one of our children 🥺

Calphurnia88 · 26/05/2022 14:43

JulyDreams · 26/05/2022 13:29

So update. I have DP's word that he spoke to MIL yesterday reference my birth wishes. He has said to her I want just himself and my Mum at the birth. He's said we will be receiving visitors as soon as we are home. As they have their own private chats I don't exactly know what was said in detail or her response but can only trust the cards have been laid out.... Confused

'As soon as we are home'...? 😬

Newestname002 · 26/05/2022 14:51

@JulyDreams

He's said we will be receiving visitors as soon as we are home.

Erm... I thought that WASN'T the plan? That people (including MIL) would wait to be asked round whilst you, DH/DP and baby settled in properly in the first few days?

If I were you I'd double check directly with your MIL that's what he actually told her or you may find yourself presented with a fait accompli as she descends on you before you are ready. 🌹

GabriellaMontez · 26/05/2022 15:47

How did "when we're settled" become "as soon as we're home"?

SafferUpNorth · 26/05/2022 17:00

Oh dear! "As soon as we are home" means she'll be waiting for you on the doorstep. You need to get DP to clarify: you will be inviting visitors once you are settled at home and ready. YOU will decide when that is. She's to wait until invited.

Also, did you get your DP to commit to being 100% focused on you during the birth and not answering requests for updates from his mum?

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 26/05/2022 18:12

I absolutely love my MIL, she hinted to be at the birth of our 3rd DC, I was strait with her and told her no. It was hard for me as I love her so much. Hard enough having DH there let alone MIl

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 26/05/2022 18:16

Naunet · 26/05/2022 14:18

I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth

I really hate how unfair it is that my mum will never get to watch my husband have his penis split in two whilst he births one of our children 🥺

😂

HappyCup · 26/05/2022 18:24

He's said we will be receiving visitors as soon as we are home.
But this isn’t what you asked for or agreed @JulyDreams

Shortbreadselection · 26/05/2022 18:53

My MIL was at the hospital when I gave birth... she was visiting her partner's daughter and did not know we were there until DH bumped into her.
She asked the midwives if she could pop in to see the baby in the delivery room - they asked me (not DH) and would certainly not have let her in if I had objected.

SandyY2K · 26/05/2022 19:23

Can MIL at least wait to visit till the day after you get home. You'll want to settle in and get things sorted before people come over.

It does depend on the time of day you're discharged though. If you don't feel up to anyone coming that day, tell him it needs to be the next day.

When she does come, if you need privacy to feed the baby just stay upstairs. That's what I did and visitors/inlaws just had to wait till I waa ready to come down after feeding.

DonnyBurrito · 26/05/2022 19:58

Oh wow, "visitors as soon as we're home" hey? Do you feel railroaded into that? If so, please get comfortable with the idea that you are allowed to change your mind when the time comes, and keep massaging that idea into your partners brain, too.

Re: Breastfeeding. I vote for that being a good course of action. I have a very grabby MIL who was very eager to have my son stay overnight and have him for the day and things (even after I went NC with her) and because it wasn't even a possibility due to breastfeeding, I didn't have engage in 'JADE' that as @AttilaTheMeerkat kindly explained. Avoid justifying and explaining yourself to her like the plague, it is so energy depleting and it's energy better spent on your baby 😊

DonnyBurrito · 26/05/2022 20:06

Also, he should be showing you the messages he sent to his mother. It's weird if he wants to keep these messages private, IMO... If you asked to see them, would he show you? Obviously you're not asking to see their entire message history, but just the ones concerning you and the birth. I would ask to see them, if I were you.

CambsAlways · 26/05/2022 20:11

I think she was just asking! There’s no way I’d want my MIL attending the birth just my DH!

Fraaahnces · 27/05/2022 08:28

Yeah… spineless DH finally spells it out to overbearing MIL??? That simply hasn’t happened. He will probably have made up some story making you out to be an unstable lunatic and that he is only going along with what you have demanded for “peace”. In fact, it’s probably a recurring theme.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 27/05/2022 12:35

@DonnyBurrito I massively feel railroaded into accepting people around. Me and DP have been made out to be the nasty ones in the family in recent times. If we place boundaries with his family etc it's me being controlling of DP. Whole family are toxic.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread