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Original poster

MIL strange question

343 replies

JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:28

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

  • Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months
  • MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

  • She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.
  • I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.
  • DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.
  • MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 15:25

@fallfallfall this wasn't a MIL bashing thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 15:26

@Choopi thanks for your comment but no

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 15:28

@SafferUpNorth yes totally agree. Already had the conversation with MIL- she had no pain killers with both her 8 and 9 pound boys.... also breastfed both for 18 months as I've always had it said to me.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 23/05/2022 15:30

@JulyDreams well MIL are always hated on MN and your certainly drip feeding, past the delivery suite now onto child care…

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2022 15:30

You have a dp problem but you know that. Before going into labour you need to make it crystal clear that when it comes to you giving birth he can choose between upsetting his mum, or royally pissing off his partner at the moment she is giving birth to his child and she needs him to be her support, and if he can’t commit to that then as his partner you may in time forgive but you will not forget. If he isn’t signed up to support you, you don’t want him there.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 23/05/2022 15:33

fallfallfall · 23/05/2022 15:30

@JulyDreams well MIL are always hated on MN and your certainly drip feeding, past the delivery suite now onto child care…

Good grief. Do you mean @JulyDreams is actually having an ongoing discussion?

Burn the witch!

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 15:34

fallfallfall · 23/05/2022 15:30

@JulyDreams well MIL are always hated on MN and your certainly drip feeding, past the delivery suite now onto child care…

Are you my MIL?

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 15:35

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2022 15:30

You have a dp problem but you know that. Before going into labour you need to make it crystal clear that when it comes to you giving birth he can choose between upsetting his mum, or royally pissing off his partner at the moment she is giving birth to his child and she needs him to be her support, and if he can’t commit to that then as his partner you may in time forgive but you will not forget. If he isn’t signed up to support you, you don’t want him there.

Nail on the head thank you. I'll have the chat tonight and update on here. Thank you for everyone's comments Flowers

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 23/05/2022 15:38

Well, as is often said here on MN, you don't have a MIL problem, what you have is a DP problem!
Your partner should be finding out exactly what YOU want to happen, and then supporting you in every way possible to ensure that you get what you want. Instead, he is putting his mother's wishes ahead of your own, to make her happy at your expense. This is not how a good equal relationship works!

You mention a couple of times that your partner visits his mother frequently, so they can't live far away. Have you considered visiting his mother yourself, and telling her what your birth plan is? You could do this in a very non confrontational way, take a cake with you and say you've come for a cup of tea to get the conversational ball rolling.

Both you and your partner need to make that giant leap in your relationship with MIL, from Parent and Child to equal Adult Adult. The sooner you both do this the better, or you will have a lifetime of problems ahead, with MIL attempting to assert her will over you.

GabriellaMontez · 23/05/2022 15:38

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2022 15:30

You have a dp problem but you know that. Before going into labour you need to make it crystal clear that when it comes to you giving birth he can choose between upsetting his mum, or royally pissing off his partner at the moment she is giving birth to his child and she needs him to be her support, and if he can’t commit to that then as his partner you may in time forgive but you will not forget. If he isn’t signed up to support you, you don’t want him there.

This. You have a dp issue. He's spineless.

It won't end here. Next will be feeding, babysitting, turning up unannounced, letting herself in. The list is endless.

Dp should be prioritising your needs and your baby's when it arrives. Not his Mum's. Stand up now or expect a lifetime of problems.

TeenyQueen · 23/05/2022 15:40

I've never understood why someone would need two support people, unless the baby's dad/mum's female partner is scared of blood or generally not most capable in stressful situations. In my own experience having DH/DP and midwife (possibly a student too) there is enough. I would have felt very crowded with more people. Both times my babies were delivered by EMCS so only DH was allowed at the birth anyway.

If MIL asks just say no. That's it, it's purely your choice.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 15:42

TeenyQueen · 23/05/2022 15:40

I've never understood why someone would need two support people, unless the baby's dad/mum's female partner is scared of blood or generally not most capable in stressful situations. In my own experience having DH/DP and midwife (possibly a student too) there is enough. I would have felt very crowded with more people. Both times my babies were delivered by EMCS so only DH was allowed at the birth anyway.

If MIL asks just say no. That's it, it's purely your choice.

Basically DP is a nervous first time Dad, although excited. And also he's not good with needles 🤦🏻‍♀️ my own Mum is fine with anything blood and guts which I will probably need a bit of reassurance with myself as I'm also not too great with the needle side but blood and pain in general I'm ok.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 23/05/2022 15:43

‘I don't trust if it was just us two he wouldn't be on his phone constantly.’

@JulyDreams A foolish move on his part whilst you are in the overall process of labour as that superhuman capacity, endurance & courage that women in labour bring forth may well lead you to extract that phone from him through his arse.

Maybe for the birth plan, you state a mobile free zone. 😉

He does need to step up his man game as he sounds a bit of a pillock at the moment.

altiara · 23/05/2022 15:43

I’d make it clear that DP should send updates but MIL/visitors to visit YOU and baby once you’ve established BF or feeling comfortable after giving birth. Whatever it is that you are happy with.

If your DM is already with you, then it doesn’t apply to her, but if she’s not then have it apply to all visitors.

ivykaty44 · 23/05/2022 15:45

its not really to me an odd question

if my daughter in law was pregnant I might ask if her mum was going to be present at the birth, it wouldn't be a loaded question and I would be horrified if more was read into this than it was a simple question

many daughters have their mums at the birth

DonnyBurrito · 23/05/2022 15:45

Having your MIL waiting on the ward would be an absolute oxytocin killer! It's hard enough to relax in hospital with people sat in their own homes messaging asking for updates... knowing someone that you don't want there is waiting inside the hospital grounds to see the new baby as quickly as possible, who clearly has no regards for you, will very very likely effect your labour. This isn't even an opinion, that's just scientific facts. Does your partner care more about his mum not getting her way than you not having a traumatic labour? I really hope not. Good luck with your conversation, I hope it gets settled before you're due and you can put it all out of your mind 😊

GabriellaMontez · 23/05/2022 15:47

Plan whatever you want for the birth. It's all about what you're most comfortable with. No one else. Not other posters, not MIL and not DP.

Focus on you. You have to do it. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. It's not a negotiation.

Chillyseadippin · 23/05/2022 15:51

‘..she’s going to be in the waiting room’
Oh is she now
urgh. These people. Mothers/mother in laws.. anyone that can’t wait bloody 24/48 hours to meet their grandchild at home..?! selfish sods.

good luck, you’re going to need it.

isthenewsuff · 23/05/2022 15:51

Tell DP that you're well within your rights to uninvite HIM from the birth should he disregard your wishes.

You're the one giving birth. He has no say who is there. You're the patient.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 15:52

DonnyBurrito · 23/05/2022 15:45

Having your MIL waiting on the ward would be an absolute oxytocin killer! It's hard enough to relax in hospital with people sat in their own homes messaging asking for updates... knowing someone that you don't want there is waiting inside the hospital grounds to see the new baby as quickly as possible, who clearly has no regards for you, will very very likely effect your labour. This isn't even an opinion, that's just scientific facts. Does your partner care more about his mum not getting her way than you not having a traumatic labour? I really hope not. Good luck with your conversation, I hope it gets settled before you're due and you can put it all out of your mind 😊

Thank you so much. I'm speaking with DP tonight and will update on here....

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 23/05/2022 15:55

Your partner sounds like a fucking dick. A fucking dick who panders to his mother. You’re the one who’s pregnant, not him. You’re the one giving birth, not him. Only you get to decide who’s there. If you want him and you’re mum, that’s who’s there. Literally no one else.

“Keeping it fair between the grandmothers” is bullshit so he can shove that right up his rectum.

Frankly, I don’t think men get any say about how things should be when women give birth. They’re nothing more than spare pricks at weddings during birth.

Stand firm. Defend yourself. And if he can’t tow the line, he can go and wait with his mother at her house, and your mum can phone him when he’s allowed up to visit. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I am very defensive of a woman’s right to not be steamrollered into doing things she doesn’t want at the most vulnerable moment of her life.

Teawaster · 23/05/2022 15:55

It wouldn’t be a loaded question except for the fact that she said that if she is not going to be at the birth, she will be in the waiting room. That’s not normal.

worriedatthistime · 23/05/2022 15:57

She hasn't asked to be there just asked if your mum was going to be as some people do have their mums as well, especially pre covid

NoodlesYum · 23/05/2022 15:57

Your real problem is you are having a baby with a Mummy’s boy. Your DP needs to grow up now and put his DP first. It’s that simple. Good luck with conversation this evening and if he doesn’t man up then don’t marry him (if you were planning to eventually).

The poster who mentioned oxytocin earlier is so right, the more relaxed you are the better the birth will go, if you are stressed about unwanted guests sitting outside your delivery room it truly can slow down labour.

Hope your DP steps up for you.

Calphurnia88 · 23/05/2022 15:57

SlipperyLizard · 23/05/2022 14:43

You don’t need to have anyone in the birthing room unless you want them, I’d probably have preferred MIL to my mum but then that says a lot about my mum! I only had DH there & midwife.

That said, I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth.

I don’t think one grandparent should have priority on meeting their grandchild over the other, not so that MIL gets invited into the birthing room, but she should be allowed to come and meet the baby as soon as possible and not be told to stay away. Your DP has as much right to introduce his newborn to his family as you do.

That said, I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth.

Instead of thinking about this in terms of who gets to meet DGC first, think about it in terms of a young woman who is about to go through a life changing medical procedure, which comes with a lot of apprehension and uncertainty. Why wouldn't she want her mum there to support her? And why wouldn't her mum want to be there to support her daughter?

After I gave birth the last thing I would have wanted would have been the pressure of visitors hanging around the (non existent) waiting room. I was tired/emotional/uncomfortable following an assisted birth; over-enthusiastic relatives hovering around to have a cuddle with DC barely hours after I had given birth to him would have not helped my recovery at all.