MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?
 
Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

[JulyDreams]

@babysleephelp

It's just competitiveness because MIL is worried your mum will be more involved than she will. It's only the start op... sorry!

My thoughts exactly but MIL hasn't had daughters so naturally am I not going to lean towards my own mum?

[Dillydollydingdong]

I'm a MIL and when my ddil had her two DC, there's no way I would have wanted to be there. Her dh and her own dm were there but that's all.

[Holly60]

The question itself is a perfectly reasonable one. In fact it's a shame it wasn't used to kind of lay the ground rules 'I may be there just whilst she gives birth then I'm heading off to give them space to bond as a couple with the new baby' sort of thing.

However the rest of it sounds a bit full on. You can only really play it by ear- you are clearly anxious about the whole thing, which I can understand, but don't blow it out of proportion. Even if she turns up you can tell her to bugger off after 15 minutes.

You are in charge, not her - remember that.

[TropicalPotatoes]

I think you are jumping to conclusions. She didn't ask to be at the birth. She asked if your mum would be there?

If I'm honest. It sounds like you have a DP problem. He needs to facilitate a better relationship between the 2 of you.

And the baby isn't born yet. My own mum didn't buy the baby anything till she was born. Or if she did, she didn't say anything or give anything till the baby was born.

[ancientgran]

@MintJulia

Thinking back, I had ds at 7.50am and I wasn't moved to the the ward for 12 hours. During that time, only dp was allowed in.
There were no waiting rooms. Your MIL will find herself stuck in the hospital cafe. She'd be much better staying at home and seeing her dgc on a video call.

When will MILs understand birth is a physically intimate process and they have no part to play until they are invited in by the woman who has just given birth.

Plenty of MILs have no desire to see their DIL give birth when will DILs understand that, I certainly didn't and none of my friends have ever expressed a desire to be there. I don't have any desire to be there if my DD has a baby but I will if she wants me.

I don't understand wanting everyone there, when I had a home delivery one thing I made clear to the midwife was that if my mother came in the room I was leaving. I was pressured by midwives to have husband there which wasn't what I wanted either.

[Sswhinesthebest]

You need to put boundaries in now.

How is she planning on seeing the baby if she only sees dp when he’s working?Things are about to become a whole lot more complicated.

[babysleephelp]

babysleephelp
It's just competitiveness because MIL is worried your mum will be more involved than she will. It's only the start op... sorry!
My thoughts exactly but MIL hasn't had daughters so naturally am I not going to lean towards my own mum?

@JulyDreams
Of course you are. I have the same situation with MIL of two boys and at first it bothered me a lot, I have learned quickly to pay it no mind.

[LaBellina]

I might be too overly private, but I think it’s not on for your MIL to ask your mother about any questions she has about your birth plan. If she wants to know something you haven’t told her, she should ask you.
Also, write in your birth plan that absolutely NO visitors are allowed until you say so. Is the maternity ward’s reception allowed to answer any questions if she phones to ask about any updates? I imagine it would be a breech of patient confidentiality but I would check to be sure. And have your DH on board with this, he should be the one advocating for you if necessary.

[SamphirethePogoingStickerist]

@JulyDreams

Thanks, I feel when it comes to DP and MIL I am out of control totally so this I'm hoping isn't just another thing that gets taken out of my hands

Then tell your DP that this is how you feel. You are already sacred/anxious/whatver word best describes how you feel about the borth.

His mum is a virtual stranger to you and has not spoken to you about this at all.

He MUST make the change from being his mother's son to being your partner the father of your child - last apron strings need to be dropped.

He also must discuss such things with you, as you should with him and that you really want just to be given time, just the three of you, to get used to the changes in your life, wonder at that child and your new family unit. If that changes all parents are a mere phone call away. BUT if you decide you want your mum you mean YOUR mum. Not his. He can wait outside with his mum if he chooses to. But it is your decision who sees you in that most vulnerable and private of states and you won't be pushed on it.

Basically yes, you do need a chat about it and your DP needs to see he can do this, he can be your partner, a dad and his mum's son and yet not have to give in to her against your wishes, especially not without your consent.

You could also ask your MIL who had tickets to her birth! See if you can spark some sense into her.

[ancientgran]

@JulyDreams

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?
 
Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

Unless she's telepathic how will she know you have delivered the baby? Just tell your husband not to tell her until you are ready to see her.

[Housewife01]

I am also 31weeks pregnant and we are only allowed 1 birth partner 1 visitor.
I would just tell DP the midwife says only he is allowed and your Mum can visit and say it's a shame your Mum can't come I know she wants to but rules are rules 🤷‍♀️. And then it's out your hands and he can let MIL know in advance it's not going to happen.
Maybe speak to him about a bit of a plan for when baby arrives like saying MIL can visit once you have been home for 3 days for example etc then there is a plan in place he can pass on for you, and they know where they stand. Just say this is what the midwife has advised so you can start your breastfeeding routine so again you aren't the bad person for excluding them but you also get the reasonable time you deserve with new baby and DP in your little bubble ❤.

[fallfallfall]

Love a good MIL bashing drip feed.
you’re insecure op, your issue.
her comment about waiting room, probably just attempting polite excitement.
yes, first couple grandchildren exciting this wears off. You have no idea how finances change.
your not married your not really family yet.

[JulyDreams]

@Holly60

The question itself is a perfectly reasonable one. In fact it's a shame it wasn't used to kind of lay the ground rules 'I may be there just whilst she gives birth then I'm heading off to give them space to bond as a couple with the new baby' sort of thing.

However the rest of it sounds a bit full on. You can only really play it by ear- you are clearly anxious about the whole thing, which I can understand, but don't blow it out of proportion. Even if she turns up you can tell her to bugger off after 15 minutes.

You are in charge, not her - remember that.

Thanks I agree I'm in charge it's just DP won't allow MIL to be upset so sometimes I have to compromise and not be in charge just to keep her happy

[SamphirethePogoingStickerist]

your not married your not really family yet.

Yeah! My BIL said that about me, after I had been married to his DB for about 20 years, I had only married in, wasn't family. Unlike his own wife, of course.

That one sentence is extremely revealing.

[ProclivityForPyrotechnics]

Maybe it's just a nice question? Will she be present at the birth? Also she doesn't have to buy you things for your baby

[romdowa]

You are the patient , not your dp. You tell the nurses exactly who you want as visitors . It's not your dps decision .

[SamphirethePogoingStickerist]

Thanks I agree I'm in charge it's just DP won't allow MIL to be upset so sometimes I have to compromise and not be in charge just to keep her happy

And that's the basis of the conversation you need to have at some point. If/when he can make the mental shift from being her son first and foremost to your partner/father of your child first and foremost. Whn your new family unit becomes his nuclear family.

That doesn't mean shutting her out. It just means he gets to grow up that last notch, to be fully independent of her. And if that hurts her feelings initially then so be it. She too will have to adjust. That's how life goes.

You are in charge.

[JulyDreams]

@LaBellina

I might be too overly private, but I think it’s not on for your MIL to ask your mother about any questions she has about your birth plan. If she wants to know something you haven’t told her, she should ask you.
Also, write in your birth plan that absolutely NO visitors are allowed until you say so. Is the maternity ward’s reception allowed to answer any questions if she phones to ask about any updates? I imagine it would be a breech of patient confidentiality but I would check to be sure. And have your DH on board with this, he should be the one advocating for you if necessary.

Thank you. MIL doesn't speak to me. She goes through DP or anyone else around me.

The maternity ward has a locked door and a button that everyone needs to press to enter in and out along with a reception line. I will have to write on my notes no visitors until I had said so.

[LaBellina]

@fallfallfall

Love a good MIL bashing drip feed.
you’re insecure op, your issue.
her comment about waiting room, probably just attempting polite excitement.
yes, first couple grandchildren exciting this wears off. You have no idea how finances change.
your not married your not really family yet.

Being the mother of her grandchild and the partner of her DS doesn’t make the OP family?

[JulyDreams]

@ProclivityForPyrotechnics

Maybe it's just a nice question? Will she be present at the birth? Also she doesn't have to buy you things for your baby

She doesn't have to but she's bought loads for her other grandchildren ??

[Aquamarine1029]

How old are you? Why do you allow your partner to run roughshod over your life, and why on earth do you care if his mother gets upset? That's her issue to deal with. You really, really need to grow a backbone.

[Mrswobblethewaitressiatired]

Tell you midwife that you don't want any visitors. Only DP and DM permitted. Get it on your paperwork. Tell the staff in the hospital too.

DP needs to take this one on. His DM won't hear you, she's obviously trying to get her own way. He needs to speak up for you and his new wee family. She needs to have clear boundaries.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck!

[JulyDreams]

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist

your not married your not really family yet.

Yeah! My BIL said that about me, after I had been married to his DB for about 20 years, I had only married in, wasn't family. Unlike his own wife, of course.

That one sentence is extremely revealing.

Totally been told that loads of times from SIL to DP behind my back who is apparently family just because I am not married to DP.

It's revealing about a lot of families and MIL has also said it about me. Says more about them than me.

[JulyDreams]

@Aquamarine1029

How old are you? Why do you allow your partner to run roughshod over your life, and why on earth do you care if his mother gets upset? That's her issue to deal with. You really, really need to grow a backbone.

I don't care if she's upset, it's DP that won't allow it. Im late twenties.

[fallfallfall]

@LaBellina its really up to the son isn’t it to formally through marriage bring her into the family.
otherwise she’s a girlfriend, maybe with time she’ll be a life partner.
either way the MIL worries over nothing is tiresome.
showing some interest or making comments appearing to be interested is hardly controlling or overbearing.
oh wait…more fake examples to come…