MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?
 
Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Pixiedust1234

What a strange response to a normal question. My mother was asked by her friends and coworkers if she was going to be present when I gave birth (only daughter, squeamish husband). I would not have assumed they were angling for an invite too 😂

OP's MiL isn't a friend or coworker though @Pixiedust1234

She's the future GM, who has already told her son that she expected to be at the birth, & that if she isn't allowed to be, she will be in the 'waiting room' & expects to see the baby asap in the hospital.

[Aubriella]

You are very vulnerable after giving birth, you shouldn't have anyone there that day (or night) if they make you feel bad in any way.

As others have said, you are the one giving birth, you decide who sees you in that vulnerable state, not your DP.

[SafferUpNorth]

OP, remember: YOU are the one giving birth. YOU decide who visits and when. Not your partner.... YOU. Tell him that in no uncertain terms. If he can't be relied upon to respect your wishes, he should not be there either. Please speak to your midwives and have your wishes added to your notes. Then try to relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. You don't need this kind of stress. Good luck!

[JulyDreams]

@Chewbecca

if I said it, it would be an entirely normal and innocent question, meaning nothing more than ‘will you being at the birth to support your daughter’. Yes, No or don’t know yet would all be acceptable or valid answers. I would be totally boggled that you thought anything else.

As a MIL, I would like to come and see the baby soon after the birth but have no comment on who else might be in the room and that’s entirely my DiL’s choice.

@Chewbecca you sound a delight! Unfortunately MIL isn't as understanding as you.

The only reason I have thought twice about what she has said/ overthinking the question is because of her history with me and DP. Anything to do with DP she has to be 10000% involved. I don't even want to go into childcare when I'm back to work. DP has already told me he wants MIL to have her one day a week as he thinks it will 'make her happy'. I want her at daycare 3/4 days a week and then I will be off for for those 2 days with her.

[Greyhare]

I'm confused, how is a mother telling her son he looks nice 'controlling' you also appear to make as much effort as her to have a relationship by the sounds of it, you don't like her yet expect her to buy you lots of baby stuff but also don't want her near you or the baby, not sure it's all the Mil's problem.

[KettrickenSmiled]

DP has already told me he wants MIL to have her one day a week as he thinks it will 'make her happy'.

DP needs to be made to understand that your baby is not a toy he can hand out to appease his mother.

Do NOT agree to any regular childcare arrangement with MiL.
It will put you on the back foot.
You own plan is much wiser.

[aSofaNearYou]

Hospital visiting hours were very restrictive before Covid, I can only imagine they're more so now. So even if she does wait around in the hospital ready to pounce, at worst she could only be there a couple of hours.

If you're anything like me you could be in labour for a very long time, too, so I can't imagine anyone's MIL waiting in a hardback chair with nothing to do for that long!

[JulyDreams]

@Greyhare

I'm confused, how is a mother telling her son he looks nice 'controlling' you also appear to make as much effort as her to have a relationship by the sounds of it, you don't like her yet expect her to buy you lots of baby stuff but also don't want her near you or the baby, not sure it's all the Mil's problem.

I have made so much effort with her but have not received anything back, my post doesn't cover anything historical with our relationship so it's easy to judge on what I've said. The post was more about my issue with the labour.

I think the comment on his looks was a bit odd that's all.

[marylou25]

Haven't read all replies but regarding not having bought stuff for your new baby, I wouldn't take any notice of that, a lot of older people and I'll include myself in that would not buy for a baby until it's born, counting your chickens and all that! It's just a tradition or superstition, call it what you will but normal enough I would think.

[YeetTheTeets]

My exgrandMIL tried this one.

Due to circumstances my mum had to contact her for help with what I needed bringing in - midwives and HCPs knew I didn't want her coming in and stopped her.

She was very uppity about it, but I was a very young for my age 24 year old and I was traumatised (not explaining) and the last thing I needed was overbearing exgrandMIL - she would repeatedly turn up at our home uninvited at the worst times too, and push her camera with flash into my sleeping baby's face 🙄

I couldn't say boo to a goose back then. But you can and you must. Make sure the midwives and clinical staff etc know you definitely don't want her in, whatever your partner says.

[JulyDreams]

@marylou25

Haven't read all replies but regarding not having bought stuff for your new baby, I wouldn't take any notice of that, a lot of older people and I'll include myself in that would not buy for a baby until it's born, counting your chickens and all that! It's just a tradition or superstition, call it what you will but normal enough I would think.

I do agree and am starting to see that it's just odd MIL went ott on buying other grandkids presents before they were born

[SafferUpNorth]

Also.... as @aSofaNearYou says, you could be in labour for a long time especially if it's your first. For me it was nearly 24hours. So please also instruct DP not to text / phone his mum the minute things kick off, or he'll no doubt be getting constant calls and messages from her asking for updates. As birth partner, he needs to be focusing on your needs 100%, not juggling his mother's demands.

[JulyDreams]

@SafferUpNorth

Also.... as @aSofaNearYou says, you could be in labour for a long time especially if it's your first. For me it was nearly 24hours. So please also instruct DP not to text / phone his mum the minute things kick off, or he'll no doubt be getting constant calls and messages from her asking for updates. As birth partner, he needs to be focusing on your needs 100%, not juggling his mother's demands.

This is one of my massive worries. Partly why I would have liked my mum to be in the room also as she would be able to tell DP to get off his phone and support me. I don't trust if it was just us two he wouldn't be on his phone constantly.

[Topseyt123]

@CorpseReviver

I think you need to stop saying "we are pregnant", and "me and DP are pregnant", and "I want this re. birth but he wants this".

Reframe this in your mind. He is not pregnant. Not at all. You are. If you don't want HIM there, he has no right to be there, let alone his mother. It is your body, your pregnancy.

I have really wanted to say this.

I think you have bought far too far into the "we are pregnant" bollocks that some couples seem to like. There is no WE are pregnant. YOU are pregnant, DP isn't.

YOU are the only one who will be giving birth. Not DP. YOU are the patient. Not DP. You are the one who's body will be tested to the limit and put through it's paces. DP's won't. YOU are the one who has to go through this. Not DP and certainly not his mother. Therefore YOU are the one who needs a birth partner(s). Not DP, he won't be giving birth, he is not pregnant.

Whether or not his mother should be anywhere near you at the birth is YOUR choice to make. Not DP's.

I honestly wouldn't even tell her when you go into labour. Just phone her after baby has arrived safely and tell her when she can or cannot visit. You can always tell her that there simply wasn't a chance to call before then as things happened all at once (or tell her any old story).

[Pipsquiggle]

@JulyDreams

Thank you- I'm going to give my midwife a call closer to my due date and discuss my concerns about all this away from DP.

I am hoping she can then relay this to the labour ward and I'll also write this on my birth plan.

@JulyDreams

Why can't your DP and you tell MIL not to come to the hospital?

Sorry to say your 'birth plan / notes' are the last thing midwives look at, particularly if you require urgent, medical intervention.

She needs to know her place. Her needs and wants do not usurp yours at your baby's birth.

Also your DP needs to take this step of standing up for you - he will upset his DM at some point and this is important so he needs to stop this toxic 'mummy pleasing' cycle

[JulyDreams]

Simply because she doesn't listen .... not when it comes to precious DP @Pipsquiggle

[BitOutOfPractice]

How have you extrapolated that she wants to be there from the question she asked your mom?

[Choopi]

I would see how you feel on the day. It isn't a foregone conclusion that you are very vulnerable after birth, some people are just fine. If you feel fine then I would let her in for 10mins to have a squeeze, take a few photos. You and your dh have your whole lives to be a family together, 10mins to make a Granny happy isn't a big thing is the grand scheme of things. The more people that love and cherish your child the better, some day you might be grateful that you helped to foster a close relationship between your child and their grandparents.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Also your DP needs to take this step of standing up for you - he will upset his DM at some point and this is important so he needs to stop this toxic 'mummy pleasing' cycle"

Precisely

And that is going to be both a long and painful process for him to do in therapy.

[UniversalAunt]

Who is giving birth in the hospital? You are.
Is your DP giving birth? No, he is not.
Is your mum giving birth? No, she is not.

All the time in the hospital is about YOU giving birth safely, YOU bringing baby into the world, adapting to YOUR new role, & receiving the medical care & emotional support that YOU need.

Who is the most important person in this? The patient (other than baby)? YOU.

You do not want MiL there.
Nowhere near you or baby on the ward or the hospital.
Tell your midwife this is what you want - they’ll not be surprised.
See for yourself that it is in your notes.

Tell DP that this is how it going to be because on the ward & in the hospital, it is about you & baby, not his little boy lost routine & his ‘effin’ controlling mother.

Visiting times at home for family & close friends will be advised after baby is born & settled in at home. Baby will not be taken round to MiLs until they are old enough to be away from Mum. If MiL wants contact with baby, then she will be included in visitors list.

Likely, your DP has not grasped that he is no longer Mummy’s Boy & Chief Tear Wiper as cosy as that may be. He has found a girl, left home, done the sexy thing & is now about to be a Big Daddy. He has chosen his new team & now needs to change his team shirt & face in the right direction on the pitch.

[Topseyt123]

@BitOutOfPractice

How have you extrapolated that she wants to be there from the question she asked your mom?

Read the OP's later posts. MIL has already said to DP that if she can't be at the birth she will be in the waiting room.

[Calphurnia88]

@fallfallfall

Love a good MIL bashing drip feed.
you’re insecure op, your issue.
her comment about waiting room, probably just attempting polite excitement.
yes, first couple grandchildren exciting this wears off. You have no idea how finances change.
your not married your not really family yet.

Ha. I'm not married to DP (both children of divorce, marriage not high on the agenda) but we have a child, and are very much family TYVM.

@JulyDreams as others have said, you need DP to support you in YOUR birth plan. This includes visitors.

[GettingItOutThere]

honestly nip this shit in the bud right now.

YOU are pregnant. Not "we".

You are in control, and YOU have a DP problem, get him onside asap and to stand upto his mother now and let her know your wishes (nicely)! or you will have a long time of hell ahead

[SafferUpNorth]

@Choopi

I would see how you feel on the day. It isn't a foregone conclusion that you are very vulnerable after birth, some people are just fine. If you feel fine then I would let her in for 10mins to have a squeeze, take a few photos. You and your dh have your whole lives to be a family together, 10mins to make a Granny happy isn't a big thing is the grand scheme of things. The more people that love and cherish your child the better, some day you might be grateful that you helped to foster a close relationship between your child and their grandparents.

I'm going to hazard a guess you've never given birth...

And besides, it's not just going to be 10 minutes for a cuddle, is it, judging by what OP has said. MIL will want to rake over the ins and outs of the birth and probably find a way to make OP feel inadequate.

No, this can't be left as a 'wait and see' arrangement, else OP will be pressured into letting her in. The red lines need to be clearly and firmly drawn ahead of time.

[Pipsquiggle]

@JulyDreams

Simply because she doesn't listen .... not when it comes to precious DP @Pipsquiggle

In which case, DP & you either make her listen or you do not tell her anything until after the baby is born.

TBH, this sounds like just the start of your MIL issues. Personally I think setting out boundaries now, before the baby is born, will save you years of grief. Once she has her precious GC, if she was pissed off with you, all that should melt away.