Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Sorting's dating advice:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

Checking in

Checking in, thanks @SortingItOut for the new thread.

@wewantthefinestwines that’s disappointing but if you’re absolutely sure then I agree you should be open and honest with him.

@thisisworsethananticpated It’s hard observing the highs and lows with Balkan, it must be torture for you actually living them! I feel it is an emotional vent for you while you deal with the situation with your DS. Possibly not healthy but nonetheless necessary? I really hope you have solid real-life support as well.

Checking in !
today is a
WhatsApp OFF
getting shit DONE
day

Badbaddog
i agree ! Enough x
it’s gone from being a fun distraction to an additional stressor

Checking in, thanks sorting for the new thread. I've sent Mr Arty a nice message about lack of spark/chemistry. I always make a point of assuming the feeling is mutual, rather than they're pining for me and I'm breaking their heart! 🤣

I had such a brilliant time last night with friends and music and dancing and laughing that I'm ok today, but it is deflating when you're back to square one with absolutely no irons of any kind.

Also, I got sunburned sitting outside at lunch with Mr Arty and look like a beetroot.

Checking in

@WeWantTheFinestWines Glad you had a great time last night, seeing friends and having a good time is such a tonic.

What a shame you didn't fancy Mr Arty after all the messages and calls. I definitely agree you need to try not tobuild too much connection before you meet in case you don't fancy them and then you end up disappointed.

Checking in…thank you for new thread
@hotnakedgelato …so pleased all is ok and you were over stressing for no reason. It’s good this thread is here and you can vent while normalcy resumes
@Thisisworsethananticpated …you have good chemistry with Mr B so that should add to your life and not stress you. Great your WhatsApp is off and you want to do your thing. You can now concentrate more on finding plan B and C for DS
@WeWantTheFinestWines …it’s brilliant you had lovely evening with friends. I los find too thin off putting in a man. I have to be honest. You can take time or start again checking for new irons
@Brightstar29 …I think you have an avalanche of irons right now and a lot to choose from. I didn’t choose wisely hence I am divorced but I do not regret it as my kids are awesome. I think you are at an age where fertility clock ticks. Try to see things as tentative if you are unsure. If you lose one iron or another they were not meant to be. And no, for a guy to move just to be near you when you do not have an actual serious relationship is a major NONO.

About my iron situation. I didn’t want to but I’m thinking Mr C all the time now. He’s busy but will meet me for dinner on Tuesday. I really really like him. Mr W has gone quite quiet. Possibly he’s seeing I’m busy WhatsApping someone else 😳. He’s cooled down. So date on Wednesday might not happen after all. I’m not bothered as I am not invested on this one. Enjoy Sunday everyone

Mila14
you need to edit WhatsApp
you can turn off the ‘last seen’ x

Checking into this new thread. I've now been on OLD for 3 weeks and it feels like forever - much has happened! One thing I have learnt is that it's so easy to hide behind messaging and to portray the image that you want to. I have a vivid imagination and if I have a week of messaging with a man then my imagination runs away with me about what he is like. I think my best way forward is to video call quite early on as I've found that the real man is often quite different to his profile and his messaging style....

Thank you @Thisisworsethananticpated 😂😂😂done !!!

Sage advise @lesgalettes . Meeting as soon as possible is a good idea

@Brightstar29 … if they are equally good irons, settled people and you feel more attracted to Mr R after 3 dates…I’m going to sound blunt now but sometimes the chemistry is not enough when you DTD… perhaps when you try that… you can assess better? I think it’s important you are sexually compatible too 😊. I seem to remember you haven’t DTD with any of them

Totally agree with this. I have had one phone call with new iron - no video call yet. He is being keen with messaging but I'm holding back and I know it's because we haven't had a video call yet... I just can't get carried away at ALL until I've seen their face any more... even then it can not work when you are face to face but there is definitely a higher chance of chemistry!

What do you define as 'chemistry'? Is it attraction?

Have you snogged them both? I'd definitely be erring towards the one I felt more physical chemistry with.

Checking in. Date zero on Friday evening went ok. It was for a potential fwb but I'm not convinced. He's very serious and 11 years younger. Had a good conversation with another and meet up loosely arranged. Felt suspicious though as he kept talking about a second date before we'd even met for a first and my gut instinct was right as he had unmatched me by the morning. So many of them looking for an ego boost. It's just such a waste of time.

@Brightstar29 …I think you know you want Mr R but are scared of being carried away by chemistry. As you said, there are no red flags so far with either of them. I would just try to get closer to Mr R and just tell Mr C you need to spend time with someone else or alone …

Meet ups are great if you are in the right group I think. It’s good that you can meet people in real life and create other connections. Many of us with kids crave time alone or just with a partner…but it’s important we all have company when we need it and relationships that are meaningful. Maybe a break from OLD is what’s needed, I can understand this too.

I know how you feel. I live on my own half the time, which I enjoy, but it does feel lonely at times. I have good friends but not a single one of them is single so I can't see them all that much. I really want to meet someone to spend time and do stuff with but I'm not doing very well and the apps are so depressing and make me wonder why I'm the only one who hasn't found someone. They've pretty much all found their blokes old.

@Brightstar29 …then keep seeing both and don’t obsess about it. Time will tell …