Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I thought Ms H had said no relationship until September when her daughter goes to Uni?
Although I appreciate you might be FB or FWB as she popped over last week.

Depending on what you are will depend on response times although I seem to recall her communication isn't the same as yours as she has a really busy life.

yes, that was certainly the (her) plan, but it’s beginning to dawn on me that she gets quite anxious about some things,
I think the “let’s not do anything until September “, comment is her getting anxious about her daughter leaving home, maybe an empty nest ?
we are supposed to be going to this wedding reception end of next month, (June) and I have asked her to confirm some simple things like are we going together, or separately ( it’s about 4 hours away), does she want to stay over and extra night, make a long weekend, are we going to be friends or partners,
i asked on Friday gone and it’s now Tuesday morning, no response, not even a “let me check get back to you “ , back to radio silence, 😞

It’s very nice and decent of Mr S. I think you have a thoroughly nice caring person who also adores you. Try to allow yourself to enjoy it fully

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow this isn’t great on her part. Now it depends on how prepared you are to go with the flow and see what happens in the coming months. I know that you have taken yourself off the apps and were focusing on meeting someone IRL. I imagine at the moment you are not really open to meeting or seeing other women so your focus has been on Ms H. It still seems to be either wait and see if there is an improvement in the Autumn or pull back/end things and allow yourself to be open to other opportunities that come up.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow does Ms H give off the vibe that she’s happy with this level of contact? You’ve said she works long and irregular hours- could it be that she thinks you have agreed to keep things light until September and making arrangements for something a month away isn’t a massive priority for her atm? I’m not like this, I like to know my plans and I know that once I am serious about someone I give them my time and commitment. When I have been flaky/slow to react in the past it has been with guys I knew I was viewing in a more casual way.

I think that this is right. He's so incredibly nice. It's difficult to wrap my mind around this and just enjoy it, but I think that I need to make myself do exactly that.

Thanks everyone for your views on MrS and your good wishes for my daughter! She has an ear infection and is still sleeping. It took so long because they decided to screen for sepsis due to some of her symptoms.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow i think that Ms H should have responded by now for sure, but I noticed that your last item in the list of "simple things" was whether you are going to be friends or partners! I think she's definitely hesitant about something, and maybe this one tripped her up.

Personally, I probably would have to bring things to a head in your place. She seems to be sending very mixed signals, as being a plus one to a wedding seems like a potentially big deal, but not seeing each other until September seems like you are barely even friends. (Not to say this is how she feels, it's just absolutely not how I think most people would treat a potential future partner).

Sooo. It has developed with Music Man, who I originally thought might be more of a fling. I went to his sister's wedding and it was a lot of fun, his family are lovely.

He met my family last weekend, in less than formal circumstances, and it went really well. He made a really good impression on them. My dad NEVER likes my boyfriends 😮

It's a lot earlier than I'd usually get family involved - but it's a bit unusual in that we're not complete strangers to each other's families (complicated to explain without outing myself!). We're also all very local to each other so it's pretty important we all get along, otherwise it would never work, so it's good to know early if it's a no go!

Still going with the flow and just letting it develop naturally. The chemistry is just unreal, in and out of the bedroom. 🔥

He's working away this week so we'll see what happens ... he's usually very good with communication. I wonder how good he'll be with out of sight out of mind!

Todays rather sad update is I’ve sent a wishing you well but this is clearly over message to Balkan
I really had no choice after he left a friendly enquiry as read , he never does that

we have both blocked each other

this is sad
I really liked him
but clearly he didn’t like me as much as I thought, or I upset him more than I realised

and , shit happens 😞

so now into healing , lessons learnt and closure

I actually write a pros and cons list and there were more pros

fuck this hurts

What happened? I don’t understand? 😳 are you being to hasty??

No I’m not mila !

he’s gone into a man cave and ghosted me three times since we started dating , since January !

he said we are better of apart after our last spat

i sent a friendly reach out despite all , and he left me unread (that’s a major sign )

he’s got major issues and he’s caused me stress for 40% Of the time we have been dating

and he thinks his problems are the biggest ever and surpass mine

and I’ve been very nice and kind from day 1
this is on him

Sorry to hear this @Thisisworsethananticpated . Perhaps down the line he realises what he’s missing and tries again. Right now you need to keep 0 contact. I understand. Big hug

How do I break it off with Mr C in a really nice way and also get out of Friday where we had arranged to drink at one of our houses?

Mila14
i deserve better
I don’t deserve to be ghosted when he is in a bad way
it really hurts me and fucks with my head and it’s been three times now

no , I deserve better
or nothing ! Which is what I have right now
zero irons

You deserve a lot better. That is a fact. Just take a bit of time to regroup if you need it or check better options out there. Whatever works for you

Thisisworse - sorry to hear that. Take a break, short or long, and then get back into it...

@Daydreamscometrue no the date still isn't sorted! I sent Mr Dishy a message, then he messaged back straight away saying he is definitely interested and wanting to sort a date, he then sent another message and a voice message. I messaged back saying let's sort where to meet... and I haven't heard back from him! Just not sure whether I should carry on playing it cool, or whether to be more upfront like he is, saying he is definitely interested. But he's so laid back at messaging so I'm not getting my hopes up.

@lesgalettes I think you should throw this one back. If someone wants a date, they will put it in the diary. He is most likely keeping his days free for a better offer but will let you know last minute if that doesn't happen.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm really sorry. He just sounds too volatile and actually why even chat to someone who ghosts you even once. Do you see him as a challenge of sorts? Honestly I'd go no contact if I were you. And perhaps think about counselling? You are lovely but you probably need to look at why you wanted him so much when he was clearly not right for you/anyone.

I think you need to give that pros and cons list a weighting for each item because “good in bed” is not as significant as “causes me so much angst I lose days to feeling upset”.

Sending support @Thisisworsethananticpated - I know it’s hard to let go of these complicated attachments. Suggest again maybe looking into some counselling - happy to give my therapists details (based in NW London but I do Zoom) as she is excellent and a single mother so gets it.

ibelieveinmirrorballs
Eesha

you are both right
and this is my first relationship since ‘abusive’ ex
I was bound to fuck up and boy
I did ! I got a real winner

and ibeleive , you are spot on
each this has happened I’ve been devastated and for a long time and 3 times too !

one day I’ll look back at this and laugh
but not today

So sorry @thisisworse, it really is a horrible feeling. I hope you can be kind to yourself and eventually realise your value. Ghosting is a red flag. Red flags should never be ignored. Please think more highly of yourself than to let someone back in when they've already treated you badly. Good sex should never outweigh a red flag. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, have a good cry and then swear off users and abusers for life. You deserve better 💐

lesgalette I agree that if he wanted to see you he would have firmed up a date by now. You're his backup plan. Block and delete.

brightstar Hi Mr C. I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to see you on Friday after all. I am going to pursue a potential relationship with someone else and it wouldn't be fair to you to keep this going as well. I wish you all the best and I hope you find what you're looking for.

“Good sex should never outweigh a red flag”….. should be added to the date rules

It’s a horrible feeling, a real gut punch. Tomorrow will be better.

ycf Music Man situation sounds absolutely lovely 😊