Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Got another date with Mr C set up for this Friday and I think this is where we will finally dtd as plan is to have a few drinks at one of our houses. We will see what the chemistry is like I guess. Got my date with Mr R on Saturday where we are going out (unlikely to dtd) so I know I’m cutting it fine with dates close together.

I don’t really want to make a decision yet, and I don’t actually want to lose either guy as get on with them both so well.

I don't think it's that it's fake profiles, but you have to keep perspective while engaging with communication with essentially pixels on a screen - until you've met someone you know absolutely nothing about them really. You have no real sense of their life, of how they cope when they're stressed, what they've got room for in terms of dating alongside everything else, etc etc. And ultimately these apps are massive distractions for millions of people, many of whom are just bored and looking for something to distract them on their phone - an activity which can often lead to flutters of excitement/validation/attention.

I think we're all on a hiding to nothing if we let total strangers behaviour on a screen dictate how we feel if they stop responding - I do get it @Shunter350 - and I'm really sorry that she didn't send a goodbye message - had you spoken on the phone? From my perspective conversations often fizzle out, and ultimately one person has to be the last to send a message, and I don't think much of it unless we've spoken on the phone at the least.

A guy contacted me the other day to say that he wouldn't be able to make our planned phone call that day (I'd totally forgotten we had one planned ) because the ex love of his life had been in touch and he'd decided to pursue things with her. I have no idea if this is true, and don't really care, but I did find it unusual and quite sweet that he'd bothered to let me know in that way because IME that's the exception, not the rule!

OLD takes resilience, that's for sure. And constantly reminding ourselves that we can't rely on strangers on a screen to behave in a way consistent with what WE expect. We don't know them, we can't expect anything of them.

@Eesha what a lovely date!

{mention: pixie5121} i agree with Eesha! Obviously it's early days with me and Mr S, and I sometimes feel wobbly, but I felt quite hopeless and jaded about OLD when we matched. For his part, he told me that he didn't expect this to happen. I think men and women alike find it rough.

On that note, Mr S and I saw each other yesterday. We went for a walk, ended up eating at mine, and then had another night of staying up too late DTD.

He seems to be so excited about me that I am finding it slightly alarming (maybe I have an avoidant attachment style?), but we had a really nice time.

He also adorably asked me about meeting some of his friends in an upcoming weekend ,(he seemed a bit shy about it), so looks like we are continuing to progress the relationship.

Shunter350

meh . That’s just crappy humanity and
corwardly
if no reply delete and block

christ this is gruelling
I’m not keen to rush back in 🙈

@Thisisworsethananticpated @ibelieveinmirrorballs we hadn't spoken on the phone. She mentioned she wanted to meet soon as did I. Then silence..
I'm too soft.. I always think "they've lost their phone", "family problems", "ill", etc.
I can't get my head around the suddenness of it all.
I must be more resilient.
Anyway I've had another two likes, it's feast or famine!
I can't decide whether to dive back in or not.

It’s always painful picking ourselves back up but it sounds like the learning from this one (thank you Universe ) is to get to a phone call or video call sooner and try not to have any expectation of someone till you have a clearer sense of who they actually are. It’s hard I know!!

@Eesha what a great date zero yesterday… bet you’re feeling warm and fuzzy today!

@hotnakedgelato also lovely to hear things are progressing…!

I had a second call with new iron last night, all nice and calm although typically with me I’m worried it’s not ‘exciting’ enough. He’s a gentle soul although we have some common interests. He’s the first person I’ve spoken to at length OLD who’s had similar aged DC and we spent some time discussing parenting issues (fairly generically) but I couldn’t help thinking oh god is this boring to chat about the perils of parenting teens etc… but it is a part of both our lives so perhaps it’s okay..?

Super @JangolinaPitt …we will be hearing and learning from your experiences too😊

I think we are parents with DC… I see nothing wrong ,if we connect well,chatting about kids in general. I could not date a childless man right now I think. Kids are a huge part of life at the moment and determine availability, holidays, night times … the lot

@ibelieveinmirrorballs hey, thank you, yes it was great fun and I'm actually not too invested so feels good. Meeting for another walk next weekend.

Mr Blue is separated, not divorced, and has bought a flat to move to. Interestingly I had a big chat with a close friend who said I shouldn't see him as he is separated and she doesn't class that as over. For reference, she has her own volatile situation with her own ex and its never been over for them. Mr Blues wife has had a partner for a while (so he says!) and all reasonably civil. Interested to hear people's thoughts on the matter.

@Eesha I think your friend is blinded by her own unfortunate experience - it's crazy to draw a conclusion about someone's availability based on whether they are actually divorced or just separated. The fact that Mr Blue has bought a flat would suggest to me that the separation is considered pretty permanent!

Of more interest to me would be someone's emotional state and how much time they might have had being single before wanting to get into another relationship. With the first being more important than the latter - one of my OLD relationships had been separated (and living separately) from his wife for 10 months, divorce proceedings well underway, but he was still traumatised by the whole thing and totally not ready to date. Every situation is different I think - some relationships have taken a long time to end and by the time they do both parties are completely ready to move on.

Eeesha I agree with ibeleileive

its more about their mental state of completion with it
no one and I mean no one our age comes without exes and baggage 🧳

@Eesha i agree that it's about his mental state more than anything. He could be fronting a but, of course, but I would think that you can vet this as time goes on.

I shared a house with my ex for years and kind of still do, so see him frequently. Couldn't be more over him. Your thing sounds great Eesha, definitely keep seeing him.

@Eesha I am separated not divorced and it is of no consequence at all. I have already bought my ex out of the family home and agreed a mediated separation agreement. I am never going back there lol
If they seem settled and calm about the separation rather than bitter and involved in a legal battle, I don’t think it’s an issue. Not everyone pushes straight through to divorce.

Yes, he's bought a new place and is excited to move. Wife has new partner. He said they've been through therapy but it's just a simple case of falling out of love. Who knows really. They all seem OK with it.

I would concur that it is the state of mind rather than the legal status that matters. My STBXH and I have been emotionally separated for 6years and leading separate lives but still were living in the sane house (separate rooms) till recently. There was no reason for either of us to move out as we had no partners or interest in getting ne. I only moved out and bought my own place when I met someone and wanted to live my life on. STBX and I will never get back it be romantically involved, but may never actually divorce unless we want to remarry (which neither of us intend at this point.)

@ibelieveinmirrorballs the emotional state thing rings true I think. My children's dad was so angry at his ex that it should have raised alarm bells to me. With Mr Blue, they seem amicable and dedicated to their children.

Speaking from bitter personal and current experience
it’s when they hate their ex and have a toxic relationship , and can’t see a way to calm it ….

that’s where you have problems as it toxic and it festers

Just a question...
If you matched with someone, exchanged messages for a day, had a day's break, then had a video call and agreed to meet for a date, how often would you then expect to exchange message over the next 2 weeks before the date?

lesgalettes

too much can ruin the relationship before the date
texting a fairly shitty way to get to know someone I think
its a delicate balance between looking like you don’t give a shit
to getting way over invested early !

every other day ?

Thisisworse -
Yes I know you're right. I'm trying to play it cool this time as I think I'm just too needy and want it to work this time. I'll call him Mr Dishy, yesterday he asked me when I was free for a date, I told him, and he didn't message back and hasn't messaged me today either! I really need to know the date as I'm quite busy. But not sure if I should message him tonight or just carry on waiting....

Well if he hasn’t replied …
it’s not a date ! yet

it’s easy to say I know but I’d sit in hands and not assume anything

Thisisworse -
I know! And I know that even if have a date in the diary it doesn't mean it's actually going to happen. It's him who is really pushing for the date so I guess I need to go against all my instincts to message him tonight and just sit and wait.....

I’d be wary
I mean he might come back
and suggest a date
and he might be a player , embroiled with others wants an ego boost

I just think it’s odd ti ask for a date and not reply
why do that