Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thisisworse -
I know you're right. I'm finding it so hard to find anyone who has no red flags!
I might message him just to put him on the spot as I just feel too old for game playing...

Mayeye…will you still be granted divorce down the line? Or remain forever separated?

lesgalettes
why not
keep it breezy
at least you will know and can move on

god this is hard dxxxg work isn’t it

Thisisworse -
Ok, I messaged him, and Mr Dishy is now messaging me back arranging the date. I do feel a bit wary about whether he is a player, but have to go along with it otherwise I'll never get anywhere on this app!

Well that’s positive !
im cynical and bitter that flavours my advice
good !
keeo the faith

Thanks. I'm very new to this and I'm definitely too eager, so it's good advice from you to try to hold back a bit - it's just such hard work.
I've probably checked the app 10 times today looking for his non-existent message, while he just didn't bother to reply or maybe didn't think I was bothered?

Have the date
we can all go totally crazy on the
messaging
I certainly do
but no point before you meet him
as it’s a total waste as only a face to face can dictate chemistry

I’ve been mulling it over and I think I definitely like Mr R more than Mr C in that way. I’m at a loss because I agreed to meet up with Mr C again this Friday and I think sex is definitely on the cards but I don’t know how I feel about it. Plus there are now some amber flags-apparently his ex told him he was controlling?

Got date number 4 with Mr R on Saturday and really looking forward to that. In my mind I know who I want to pursue things with but there’s still a part of me questioning if I am making the right decision and also how on earth did I get myself into this mess.

@Mila14 I probably will seek a divorce eventually to tie up the loose ends…not planning on marrying again though!
I’m in Ireland where the rules are slightly different and we had to be separated 2 years before we can divorce anyway. It is also very common here for people to remain separated and not divorce - I think because divorce is a relatively recent thing here 😬

Thanks for explaining @MayEye !

@Brightstar29 Can you look at it a bit differently in that if you make a mistake, so what? You seem to have 2 nice guys there but continually dating them both is probably going to make it more difficult. Especially as the early stages are the honeymoon best behaviour stages so if you’re hoping one of them will slip up or show you a side you don’t like, you might be waiting.

If you are leaning towards Mr R maybe that’s your gut making your decision for you and you should call it a day with Mr C. ( the ex calling him controlling would ring alarm bells for me too)

@MayEye yeah I think that too, I’m also really bad at calling it off with people, he does seem like a nice guy and I actually wouldn’t mind staying friends with him.
I also know that I can’t dtd with him then go on a date with Mr R the next day it doesn’t feel right so I’m going to need to get out of that one somehow

At A&E with my daughter (who is probably fine). MrS is very concerned and seems to be staying up to text me for company. I find this weird. My ex DEFINITELY would never have done such a thing. Is this weird? Or nice, and I am just used to being treated like trash?

It’s not weird, it’s decent and kind I hope your daughter is ok 💐

hotnakedgelato
sorry to hear and not weird at all ! I’d do the same x

As a compromise could you cancel seeing Mr C on Friday and resolve that you will decide one way or the other after seeing Mr R on Saturday?

If all goes well you could then have The Conversation with Mr C. I think this is all good practice for you - it’s hard to let people down but it’s a good learning experience to be able to kindly say no to someone.

It’s definitely not weird at all - although confusingly for me this is exactly the kind of thing my abusive ex would have done as he loved to make a big show of Being Helpful. But that’s a whole different story and came alongside a raft of other less pleasant behaviour!

@hotnakedgelato how is your daughter?

@lesgalettes what did you arrange for your date with Mr Dishy?

hotnaked hope your daughter is ok. Staying up to text and support is lovely.

That’s sort of thing is normal decent behaviour, not weird

How long is too long to wait for a reply to a message, an hour, a day, few days, a week?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yeah that’s what I’m going to do I think. I’ll cancel Friday and see how I feel after seeing mr R on Saturday then make a decision on how to go about things.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow Did the message need a reply?
How time critical was it?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

is this is Ms H surely you can ping her ?

Are you waiting on a reply from Ms H about something? I think how long you wait is dependent on the kind of connection you have established with the person. If you have asked Ms H something specific, based on what you share about the relationship, I would expect a reply certainly the same day/within a day.