Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fiancé wants to have days out with his Ex

176 replies

Badger9591 · 21/05/2022 09:24

I would like to know if I am being unreasonable; my fiancé has a persistent ex who has ruined all
his previous relationships as they always end up sleeping together whilst he’s in relationships. he expects me to go to events and gatherings that she will be at and if I don’t want to go he’s going to go regardless. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I can be antagonised and put my safety at risk. We have a little girl and are engaged and it seems he would rather put these gatherings before my safety and well-being. She is always posting things aimed at me and tries to get a rise.. Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
VioletHills · 21/05/2022 09:25

No you should be dumping him.

GrazingSheep · 21/05/2022 09:25

No
But are you saying that he is having sex with her?

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2022 09:27

No. You should have ended this a long time before you had a child with him.

Dump him.

Bobbins36 · 21/05/2022 09:28

Fuck that . Tell the fiancé to
minimise contact with her or you’re out of there.
Don’t know sitch so maybe there will be the odd occassion
its unavoidable, but not just pals get together, random
nights down the pub etc etc

CheshireCats · 21/05/2022 09:29

How would your safety be at risk?
But, no, he shouldn't be doing this. I would dump him personally.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2022 09:31

my fiancé has a persistent ex who has ruined all
his previous relationships as they always end up sleeping together whilst he’s in relationships

Read this back. She didn’t ruin all his previous relationships. He did. By cheating on all the people he had relationships with.

Why are you talking about him as if he’s passive and spineless and has no say?

ATadConfused · 21/05/2022 09:32

How is it putting your safety at risk?

was DD unplanned? If not, why did you have a child with this twat?

I'd be telling him to fuck off personally. Why do you want to be with someone who insists on this level of contact with his Ex when he's already ruined several relations by fucking her?

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 21/05/2022 09:33

Your phrasing is a little odd:

"he expects me to go to events and gatherings that she will be at and if I don’t want to go he’s going to go regardless."

Are these event things like shared friendship group outings, or interests that they both happen to have?
Does he go with her or go and she is there?

There's a big difference between your fiance meeting up with his ex to attend a football game together just the 2 of them, and your fiancé going to a friends bbq where there are 20 people and his ex just happens to be one of them.

Hiddenvoice · 21/05/2022 09:34

No you are not being unreasonable. It looks like he enjoys being around her and keeping her about. Sounds like he’s using her and getting best of both worlds. How would your safety be at risk? If she’s violent then he should be keeping away from her for yours and your dd sake!
Speak to him, explain calmly how you feel and see how he reacts. If things don’t change then you’ll need to explain to him that you and your dd are leaving.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/05/2022 09:34

Sod that. Out he goes.

aSofaNearYou · 21/05/2022 09:35

Read this back. She didn’t ruin all his previous relationships. He did. By cheating on all the people he had relationships with.

This. Why on Earth did you get involved with this awful man? His boundaries are totally unreasonable.

Bobbins36 · 21/05/2022 09:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2022 09:31

my fiancé has a persistent ex who has ruined all
his previous relationships as they always end up sleeping together whilst he’s in relationships

Read this back. She didn’t ruin all his previous relationships. He did. By cheating on all the people he had relationships with.

Why are you talking about him as if he’s passive and spineless and has no say?

💯this. He sounds like a dirtbag. Dump him.

Suprima · 21/05/2022 09:36

And you thought this man who kept shagging his ex when in relationships with others was a catch, and a great father for your child….why?

You are still engaged to this man- and tolerating him having a cosy relationship with someone who abuses you over a social media…why?

You picked a wrong un, I’m afraid. I don’t know why you expect him to change. He won’t. Accept dregs, get dregs.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/05/2022 09:39

You say he wants to go on days out in the thread title which makes it sound like they’re spending time together just the two of them, but then you say in the post he’s wanting to go to events and gatherings.

I’m assuming they’re in the same friendship group? If these events/ gatherings are things like weddings, birthdays, christenings, barbecues and parties with a large group of people etc I think you’re being unreasonable. I have a friendship group and within that there are some who used to date years ago and have since broken up, I would be upset if as a result of I had friends whose partner thought they shouldn’t be able to attend anything another friends was at.

That said it sounds like your partner is a cheater. That’s on him and not the ex. You would not be unreasonable to leave him based on the fact you clearly don’t trust him and he is probably going to cheat on you at some point anyway, whether it be with her or someone else. Always better to get out sooner rather than later in situations where you’re with a man like that.

LampLighter414 · 21/05/2022 09:42

Yes dump him and raise a child on your own as many PPs are suggesting. It won't be very fun, but good luck!

Workinghardeveryday · 21/05/2022 09:46

Suprima · 21/05/2022 09:36

And you thought this man who kept shagging his ex when in relationships with others was a catch, and a great father for your child….why?

You are still engaged to this man- and tolerating him having a cosy relationship with someone who abuses you over a social media…why?

You picked a wrong un, I’m afraid. I don’t know why you expect him to change. He won’t. Accept dregs, get dregs.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Iamnotamermaid · 21/05/2022 09:48

Boundaries and expectations are needed here. Fair enough if there are shared friends he wants to see but it sounds like he just wants to meet her. She sounds manipulative but he is choosing to meet with her, maintain contact & allows her to treat you like that.

He needs reining in and priorities established. Be prepared to walk away with dd if not.

Gingercatlover · 21/05/2022 09:53

Sorry but this can't be true?

Why are you saying she ruins his relationships? He is the one sleeping with her whilst in a relationship!

ElenaSt · 21/05/2022 09:53

They are playing a silly game that involves hurting their loved ones.

You don't have to join in so your best option would be to dump him.

Kitten2 · 21/05/2022 10:00

He is the cheat? He is your main problem. Not her. Though putting stuff on socials about you seems incredibly weird.

You can't trust him. You know you can't.
Set your boundaries and stick to them.
If you're not comfortable him being in a friendship group with her because of his behaviour make that clear and leave him when he ignores your boundary.

Seraphinesupport · 21/05/2022 10:00

And you thought this man who kept shagging his ex when in relationships with others was a catch, and a great father for your child….why?
You are still engaged to this man- and tolerating him having a cosy relationship with someone who abuses you over a social media…why?
You picked a wrong un, I’m afraid. I don’t know why you expect him to change. He won’t. Accept dregs, get dregs.

Very Well Said.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2022 10:04

Your standards are shockingly low.

Unanananana · 21/05/2022 10:05

WTF is wrong with you? Can you not see that he is taking you for a mug?? Aren't you worth more?

Cosy life at home with you and DD, then shagging his ex for thrills, he sounds like a dog with two dicks. Because the issue is HIM not her. She is irrelevant.

IncompleteSenten · 21/05/2022 10:05

You're being unreasonable to stay with this man who clearly doesn't give a shit about you!

This is ridiculous, you surely must know this at some level?

She matters more to him than you do. It really is as simple as that.

You already know that he will sleep with her, if he hasn't already. Don't fool yourself he will be any different with you than he's been with anyone else he's betrayed because he likes fucking her.

Itstimetoquit · 21/05/2022 10:25

Bin,block and be happy x