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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP??

339 replies

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:18

Hi everyone, I'm new here so please be nice. I am in a difficult and exasperating situation and just need to discuss it with people who can step back from the situation. I have been dating a guy (aged 29) for a few months. He told me he wants to be exclusive with me. He initiated initiated me and told me he likes me. However, he hardly ever texts me between dates and we seldom see each other any more often than every two weeks. I haven't heard a peep from him in three weeks...but I know he will eventually text asking me to meet up. In person he is absolutely amazing, he's funny, affectionate and fun. We are also physically intimate. I love spending time with with and never want it to end. But after we meet up I don't see nor hear from him for weeks. It doesn't help that i have strong feelings for him and they are just getting stronger. Any advice ? :/ xx

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 04/05/2022 21:24

It sounds like you're a booty call. Do you initiate contact in between the times you see each other?

Dimebag10M · 04/05/2022 21:32

🚩🚩 red flags... it sounds like he only wants you for one thing :-(

Opentooffers · 04/05/2022 21:33

So does he ignore you when you text him in between? That is disrespectful and yea, it does sound like you are putting yourself at his beck and call if you are still willing to be intimate with him after 3 weeks of nothing. He might want you to be exclusive, but it doesn't suggest that he is. Have you seen where he lives? You can't get to know about someone if you don't talk.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 21:33

If you have different schedules for how often you want to see each other, that's a basic incompatibility.

Thistooshallpass. · 04/05/2022 21:35

Sounds like he doesn't want you to be with anyone else and just be available when he wants - and you are facilitating this .
Tell him you want more of a relationship with more contact if that is what you want - don't settle for something that isn't enough for you .
But don't be surprised if he's not up to it - in which case move on and find someone who is looking for the same as you . Don't sell yourself short .

Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:36

Yes, but he rarely uses his phone. It isn't unusual for my WhatsApp messages to be on delivered for a few days until he reads them x

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:40

Yes I've been over his house a few times and I've met his best friend. It's all so upsetting because the time we spend together is amazing and we chat and have lovely times. And obviously we are intimate too. He's so affectionate both sexually and non sexually. But I want to see him more than every few weeks. He told me he's not dating anyone else and we agreed to be exclusive. It's so difficult because I think I'm falling in love with him ... :(

OP posts:
WomanHere · 04/05/2022 21:42

Was his texting style always like this or has it been slowly decreasing over the weeks? Have you ever asked why he doesn’t communicate much?

Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:44

He has told me he doesn't want me for just sex. And he's admitted he likes me and tells me he misses me. But after we meet up I don't hear from him for days and don't see him for 2/3 weeks. I literally am pathetic, I can feel myself feeling stronger feelings for him as time goes on :/

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 21:45

It's so difficult because I think I'm falling in love with him

You're not living in a romance novel. Mr Few Months doesn't offer you what you want. Don't break your heart.

Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:47

WomanHere · 04/05/2022 21:42

Was his texting style always like this or has it been slowly decreasing over the weeks? Have you ever asked why he doesn’t communicate much?

His texting style has always been like this since the moment I first met him 🙄 which is annoying but at least consistent.. I guess irs better he's always been consistently bad in a way.
Yes I have asked him numerous times, but he always says he hates being on his phone and he's been mad busy etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:48

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 21:45

It's so difficult because I think I'm falling in love with him

You're not living in a romance novel. Mr Few Months doesn't offer you what you want. Don't break your heart.

What does 'you aren't living in a romance novel' mean..? I've known him 9 months so it isn't someone who I have only recently met.

OP posts:
LemonDrizzleSlice · 04/05/2022 21:49

Tell him that unless he wants to see you more often then you don't feel you can be exclusive, because you need to get on with your life.

WomanHere · 04/05/2022 21:52

So it appears that this is his communication level, this is who he is and it’s not going to change. If this upsets you and makes you anxious you are not compatible and you should move on. Alternatively accept that this is who he is, it doesn’t sound like you are able to live with this though.

5128gap · 04/05/2022 21:53

You need to tell him. Say you enjoy his company and like him, but you want a relationship and for you that means seeing each other (however often) so is that something he wants too?
If he fobs you off with excuses (busy etc) he's not into you and you should move on.
The texting doesn't matter as much. It's the time he wants to spend with you that counts.

Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:54

So does everyone think he's just totally lying to me about just feelings and I am just a booty call then..? :( :(
And IF that's true, how can I go from a booty call to potential girlfriend in his mind ?

OP posts:
Kottontail · 04/05/2022 21:55

Hi, I would find this really difficult. Do you feel like you need to re connect every time your see each other? I only see my partner twice a week due to work, children & and living an hour apart. We have a video call every evening to catch up with a couple of texts during the day. It keeps the relationship connected when we aren't together. I think you need to tell him how you feel. It will get more difficult as time goes on. Be honest & know that you deserve the best!

LemonDrizzleSlice · 04/05/2022 21:55

He likes you, he's just not that into you. If he was, he'd want to see you more often.

Time to cut your losses. See what he says.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 21:55

It means 'But I'm falling in love with him...' isn't likely to mean much.

If he says he misses you but then doesn't want to see you, you're going to have to face the reality that he doesn't miss you that much, and he's more interested in doing other stuff than seeing you, regardless of your feelings for him.

WomanHere · 04/05/2022 21:56

You can’t change him, you can’t make someone want to communicate with you more if they don’t want to. Personally I would move on.

Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:57

LemonDrizzleSlice · 04/05/2022 21:55

He likes you, he's just not that into you. If he was, he'd want to see you more often.

Time to cut your losses. See what he says.

I don't get this 'he likes you, he's just not that into you.' If he likes me surely that means he is into me logically..?
Also why is he telling me he wants to be exclusive and he has feelings for me if he doesn't?!? Xx

OP posts:
CoCoBeBe · 04/05/2022 21:58

I'd take a chance on this.... Maybe he is just anti-phones etc. Explain you feel a bit neglected in between visits and see if he makes an effort? Can you meet up more regularly?

Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:02

Can anyone explain/help here ...? If he doesn't care about me and isn't that into me then that's fine I could handle that, but whyis he saying he has feelings for me, and that isn't just sex for him, and that he wants to be exclusive ?! Why would he say all this and more if it isn't true? :( xx

OP posts:
Catcrazy83 · 04/05/2022 22:03

Very unlikely you’ll go from booty call to more, he’s already decided what you’re worth to him. It’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to accept being so unimportant to him

Catcrazy83 · 04/05/2022 22:04

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:02

Can anyone explain/help here ...? If he doesn't care about me and isn't that into me then that's fine I could handle that, but whyis he saying he has feelings for me, and that isn't just sex for him, and that he wants to be exclusive ?! Why would he say all this and more if it isn't true? :( xx

so you keep having sex with him, it’s all very low effort from him