HELP??

[Stargurl]

Hi everyone, I'm new here so please be nice. I am in a difficult and exasperating situation and just need to discuss it with people who can step back from the situation. I have been dating a guy (aged 29) for a few months. He told me he wants to be exclusive with me. He initiated initiated me and told me he likes me. However, he hardly ever texts me between dates and we seldom see each other any more often than every two weeks. I haven't heard a peep from him in three weeks...but I know he will eventually text asking me to meet up. In person he is absolutely amazing, he's funny, affectionate and fun. We are also physically intimate. I love spending time with with and never want it to end. But after we meet up I don't see nor hear from him for weeks. It doesn't help that i have strong feelings for him and they are just getting stronger. Any advice ? :/ xx

Can you see my confusion and difficulty though?

No, I really can’t because from what you’ve said, he’s 100% stringing you along and I don’t understand how you can’t see it.

Read your posts as if a friend had written them.

Sorry I think you've misinterpreted me. I was trying to get the point across that the every woman at some point decides ro have unprotected sex with a partner. And the unprotected sex wasn't the reason I posted, that isn't the issue I needed help with. The issue was the lack of texting and I frequent dates but his amazing /affectionate behaviour when together and his verbal promises he wants to be with me juxtaposed with his MIA periods. That is what I need perspective on, not the sex. Xx

Unfortunately this what some men do. He’s not going to be with you in person and act like a twat is he? That’s not going to get him to keep on having casual sex with you! He’s playing nice guy to keep you sweet…as soon as he’s bored he’ll just chuck you to the side. It’s so horrible and I know what you are reading will hurt but it’s the truth, and the quicker you accept it the quicker you can move on and find someone who actually gives a shit about you!

He pays for meals for me, he opens doors, he kisses and cuddles me, he is super affectionate, says I'm beautiful and that he really likes me and has missed me etc

Of course he’s doing that stuff. It’s easy and it guarantees he gets laid.

How has he shown you he misses and cares for you? By leaving your messages unread for days and disappearing for weeks. It’s not genuine.

Verbal promises he wants me versus his MIA periods
No man who wants you will have MIA periods. * *

That's it. Keep reading my answer. Over and over and over again. That is all you need to know.

I think I'm afraid to ask because I think he will probably say he's so busy and wants to carry on dating as we are because that's all he has time for. And I don't want to lose him.

Well this is the crux of the issue I'm afraid OP.

You know that if you are genuinely yourself and communicate how you genuinely feel and what you genuinely want, it won't change the fact he clearly doesn't feel the same way or want the same things.

You know he doesn't and that's why you aren't raising it.

So are you truly willing to spend more months / years not being yourself and not communicating your wants and needs... just to keep allowing a man to have sex with you on his terms and be nice to you in person when he can be arsed but ghost you for three weeks at a time. THAT is someone you think you can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with?

I've someone I was having sex with stopped contacting me for three weeks, I wouldn't be questioning how to make them want me to be their girlfriend, I would think they dumped me and move on.

I agree with this 100%

Have you ever seen the film "He's Just Not That Into You" because I think it might help you to understand what people are saying.

It is a hard lesson to learn but if someone is interested in you, they invest time and effort in you. Seeing you every few weeks and holding doors open/paying for meals is a really low investment for easy return which he does to keep you hooked on him. It's super common in men around that age and most of my male friends wouldn't even consider that it's doing something wrong. Do you have any male friends you can talk to about this and get their perspective?

You're falling in love with him but he 100% is not falling in love with you or else he'd be wanting to talk to you more and see you more. You don't leave messages unread for days when you care about someone. I HATE being on my phone and am well known for not texting back for ages but you know what? When I was seeing my DH you best believe I put the effort in because I knew it would hurt and confuse him if I just gave him crumbs of communication in between dates like this guy is doing to you.

I am genuinely so sorry for you because I think how you're feeling and the lesson thst is to come from this is something most of us have been through at some point and it hurts xx

his verbal promises he wants to be with me juxtaposed with his MIA periods

Sorry if I misunderstood.

A decent man won't make verbal promises that are juxtaposed with his actions.

It's that simple. The fact that you can even state that this is what he does defines that he is not a decent man.

If you can't see that decent men don't go MIA, there's no point advising you any further. I wish you the best of luck, OP. Take care of yourself.

What is he busy doing? Does he work shifts? Does he have a hobby that's all-consuming?

What do you do while you're waiting for him to get in contact? I hope you have a good life with friends and activities that fills your time.

(Oh and please don't get pregnant)

'The issue was the lack of texting and I frequent dates but his amazing /affectionate behaviour when together and his verbal promises he wants to be with me juxtaposed with his MIA periods.'

So if you need some perspective on this imagine a friend describing this scenario to you with someone she is seeing. What would you advise her? To me it sounds like you are in a FWB situation, not a relationship. 9 months in and you have no idea, really, what he does when he is MIA. You want more from this but he is not delivering no matter how much you want him to. Maybe not what you want to hear but it cannot be dressed up any other way.

The kissing, the cuddling, the holding open doors, the compliments - he is genuinely enjoying behaving like that, he is excited - because you are going to have sex. I'm sure he enjoys those dates no end. It's all foreplay and flirtation. Lovely! for him.

You are reading it as 'he really likes me as a person and is invested in me [beyoond this evening]'. But it's basically extended foreplay. I mean, nice to give, nice to receive, who doesn't enjoy a bit of anticipation - but nothing to do with an interpersonal commitment.

OK Whatever. Dating and exclusive sex wise - what's your point? Dating meaning your both free to see others but not sleep with anyone else?

Honestly OP I feel like you are deluded if you think that not hearing from him for 3 weeks and putting up with this for 9 months is going anywhere. I stand by my previous post. Go find someone else.

I can't imagine how he would even have the audacity to get back in contact after 3 weeks of nothing.

In my experience. If a man wants you, you'll know. If he doesn't you'll feel confused. Doesn't really matter what he says when his actions suggest otherwise. It's not for everyone but when I first met my DP we saw each other all the time. My kids didn't know for a long time but he'd drive over when they'd finally gone to sleep even if only to chat for an hour. Raise your bar OP x

I have no idea what he does. He doesn't work shifts. He'll often say he's been back at home sorting things out or back for events and been 'mad busy'.. that's all he says .

No we agreed to not see other people in general. He said to me he wasn't going to date anyone else nor sleep with anyone else. He said he didn't want to see others. So his definition of dating is not seeing other girls /not sleeping with others . I know it sounds bizzare as I type it out but I'm just relaying what he told me he felt and wanted.

I would be so unsatisfied with this, OP, and would need so much more than he is offering.
The problem is, if you point this out to him and he steps up a bit, you'll feel like you effectively forced him into it! Basic compatibility is a two-way thing.

What do you do when you see him?

8/9 months and you don't even know what he does at work?!

RED FLAGS RED FLAGS!

Come on OP…you don’t know what he does for work? That’s one of the first things I’d know about when dating. The more information you give the odder this gets and more red flags are showing. Please see sense!

The more I'm reading the more I think this thread has to be a joke

' I have no idea what he does' refers to me not knowing what he is up to when we aren't together. Some one said 'what is he busy doing ' and I was just referring to that when saying I don't know. Of course I know what his job is etc.

No it isn't. It's hurtful and unnecessary for you to suggest that. I have nobody else to speak too. This my current life situation and I've come for advice and support...not to be mocked.

What are you going to do with the overwhelmingly one sided advice you came for, OP?

What's the plan then OP?

Because based on your replies I'm worried it's going to be to keep doing what you're doing, having sex with him and hanging out with him when HE offers you that but continuing to push your feelings down, keep your wants and needs to yourself... and go on pretending to be totally cool with how things are when it's actually making you sad and insecure that between visits he doesn't give a shit about contacting you.

Am I right?

I don't know. I need to talk to him clearly, but the problem is I have no idea when that will be as I have no idea when I will see him next...