HELP??

[Stargurl]

Hi everyone, I'm new here so please be nice. I am in a difficult and exasperating situation and just need to discuss it with people who can step back from the situation. I have been dating a guy (aged 29) for a few months. He told me he wants to be exclusive with me. He initiated initiated me and told me he likes me. However, he hardly ever texts me between dates and we seldom see each other any more often than every two weeks. I haven't heard a peep from him in three weeks...but I know he will eventually text asking me to meet up. In person he is absolutely amazing, he's funny, affectionate and fun. We are also physically intimate. I love spending time with with and never want it to end. But after we meet up I don't see nor hear from him for weeks. It doesn't help that i have strong feelings for him and they are just getting stronger. Any advice ? :/ xx

Next you'll see an instagfam post of him and his new girl. Watch.

I'm not sure why you would think I'm a teenager when I said earlier on I was 28... I doubt many teens post on mumsnet either

He knows about my son and he said that it wasn't a problem for him and he was happy to spend time with them. He doesn't have kids of his own .

I know you mean well but please can you not say that ? It's the last thing someone wants to hear if they are going through a breakup or something . I'd be absolutely devastated if that happened. I'd be so so hurt. I don't want to think about it. I'm already on edge.

Has he met your son?

I genuinely wasn't going to sleep with him honestly !! I just wanted a face to face convo. But like I said I don't know when or of it will even happen. X

No x

Can I just say as well that just in case anyone thinks I'm easy or 'a willing shag' (as someone said earlier ) I'm 28 and i have only ever slept with 4 men.. so I hope that proves that I don't sleep around. Those men were all in relationships with myself . I've never had a one night stands and I've never slept with a stranger.. I've only ever slept with 4 guys who have all been in relationships with myself or I've been dating them for months.
I want to clarify this because I want people to know I am not an easy girl who sleeps around with just anyone. And I don't want no strings attached sex with anyone (not willingly ).

I don’t think anyone thinks that of you at all, I think it’s more of the fact that sex to a woman can be very emotional and if you have sex with him you will probably just crumble for him again, so they are advising you not to sleep with him for the sake of your sanity. And that most of us think he’s using you for sex so you shouldn’t allow yourself to have sex with him as he’s getting exactly what he wants.

Please just bin him off. You're not going to get reassurance from this bloke or feel settled. He's just using you, sorry.

What Chloe said. That’s what I meant when I said ‘willing’, that you’ve said you’re falling in love with him (and even more so because he’s so completely unavailable to you). I would never slut shame a woman.

I didn’t realise you had a son. Is this man a similar age to you?

Right, you know how shit he's making you feel at the moment?
When you issue this ultimatum to him if he can actually be bothered reading your messages you know that he will spin you a line and reel you back in.
You will accept it and this will continue forever. You will constantly feel like shit, like the bottom of his list of priorities is this what you want for the duration of this relationship?
He has shown you who he is

After 3 weeks of being ignored by someone I'd presume I'd been dumped anyway.

Just block him, have some dignity

You are all wasting your time.
This is like trying to convince a drug addict to get clean. You just can't. They will make the right noises but as soon as the drugs are there, they will take them. Because you know, they can't help it. The only way to "get clean" is for the decision to come from within.

The Op is the addict and the guy is her drug of choice. We can tell her all we want to stop her addiction but it's pointless. As soon as her "drug" reappears she will be "using" again

Sure, OP you can say you can't help the situation you are in, but it's your decisions, or lack of, that has lead you to where you are now. You decided to ignore every red flag under the sun. You decided to accept the crumbs this guy has offered you. You are still hanging about hoping that an ultimatum will change things.

As previous posters have said, you need to seek therapy ASAP, cause there is something not quite right if you have so little sense of self worth that u are willing to go along with this parody of a "relationship" for so long. Your standards are so low they are underground!

And no, most people do not have unprotected sex with people they are merely exclusively dating for a couple months. A lof of people don't even have unprotected sex with long-term partners (that you know, they are actually in a relationship with) unless they are actively trying to conceive.

You need therapy as you have zero boundries.
You need therapy so you can protect your child until you get boundaries.

This guy is a liar and giving so many signals that he doesnt actually want to be with you except for sex...and he doesn't really want you for that either but you still want to meet???

In the kindest possible way, you need professional help. Until then, stop dating.

Oh he will want sex if he sees me guaranteed. He's always all over me, like a lot! But I wouldn't sleep wjth him anyway now.

Why do I need therapy? And what boundaries are you referring to?

You are letting someone who treats you appallingly get away with it
You are letting a man use you for sex because he opens doors for you every couple of months.
You have zero self respect for yourself,you have no boundaries.
Listen to what people are saying

No of course it’s not what most people do! Most people have unprotected sex when they want to get pregnant. If you don’t want a baby with this man you’ve met 12 times why are you having unprotected sex?

I believe the thread is real, and it makes me that much sadder to read this.

At 19 I was seeing a guy who sounds a lot like this one. Fun, charming, and when we were together it felt a lot like he loved me. But sometimes it would be a couple of weeks between calls, and just when I thought it was over, he'd come to where I worked
bringing flowers, or call me saying how much he missed me.

This went on for months. Then one night he didn't show up on a date that he asked for. No explanation, not a word. Two days later I went clubbing with friends, determined not to wait by the phone.

Then it happened- I literally ran into a guy and he asked me to dance. My friends left to go to a party after he said he'd take me home. We sat in his car, talking, until sunrise. He told me he'd take me to lunch the following week. After he left I realized he didn't have my number or my last name. For all I knew it was an "I'll call you" situation.

But I went inside and I called guy #1. I told him not to call me again. He thought I was angry about being stood up but he was wrong. When he asked me "Why?" I told him that it wasn't enough. That the way he treated me just wasn't enough.

I wasn't sure I'd ever see the other guy again, but it didn't matter. The way he talked to me, the things he said, the connection was so much more than I had been getting. It opened my eyes- I realized I deserved more and I could wait until it happened.

New guy showed up to drive me to lunch. 9 weeks later I married him. That was more than 40 years ago and we're still together. Kids, grandkids...

If you keep hanging on, hoping that things will work out, you may miss meeting your person. The one who makes you his priority. The one who thinks you're his world.

I love your happy ending ❤️

Do you genuinely not see why several people have suggested therapy for you?

I think it's great you are an open and honest person - but not everyone is. Some people are selfish, unkind and have no conscience. They tell other people lies, use them to get what they want, don't care if they're hurting others and care only about themselves.

I think as a bare minimum it would help you to learn how to identify people like this and how to separate the words they're telling you and their actions. I mean this very kindly, you seem unable to see that his words and actions don't match. I think therapy would help to articulate to yourself what minimum standards you want in a relationship.

Most people on this thread are able to have an objective view of your relationship. Not one person has told you that this is a normal, healthy, or loving relationship.

Literally NOBODY is too busy to make time for people they genuinely care about.

You say you are exclusive and dating but you cannot expect any more from him than that yet are having unprotected sex with him? What happens if you get pregnant and bring another kid into this?

Do you think it will make him commit?
When he feels in the mood for a night out, some romance and sex he gets in touch with you, tells you what you ain't to hear so you will have sex, then goes back to enjoying his life without you in between.

You are not part of his life or you would have been at his birthday celebrations, or at least he would text just to say hes busy. He totally ignores you until he's after sex.

This has seriously got to be made up. Noone can be this dense.

OP, this thread is like me looking into a mirror.

I’m 28, was recently seeing a guy 29. (I believed your guy was the same one I was seeing although his birthday is at the end of year)

When we first met, my guy would text me constantly. We saw each other all the time. He’d tell me how beautiful I was, how much he liked me and wanted to spend every day with me. He even told me he loved me (while he was sleep talking). I fell completely head over heels.

I was heartbroken when he randomly messaged one day saying he “wasn’t ready for a relationship”. Devastated. I spent so many nights messaging him, wanting an explanation, closure. Got nothing. Would cry my self to sleep wondering what the hell I did wrong. Why me? Whats wrong with me? I felt absolutely worthless. He made me feel like an idiot and knocked every bit of self esteem and confidence I had in me.

I tried to move on. The feelings were still there, and I thought about him often. But I was less upset.

Then a WHOLE YEAR later he messaged me. Asking for a catch up. About 11pm at night and like an IDIOT. I got up, dressed and drove to his for the catch up. Which was basically just sex. Happened a few more times after that.

I was hoping he’d changed his mind and actually want to give things another try. Maybe he’d matured. Maybe he’d realised what he was missing.

I felt even more stupid. Because of course, he just wanted sex from me. He knew how easy it was to get it from me. Then I went round the same heartbreaking questions. “Why”. “What’s wrong with me”. “Why would he do this to me when he said he loved me”. Blah blah blah… bullshit.

Please, and I mean PLEASE block this man. Do not ever give him the time of day again. Ever.

He’s not worth it. He never will be worth it.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have done nothing wrong. His behaviour is no reflection on you.

Men lie. Men cheat. Men emotionally abuse. (Not all men, obviously). But this man, and the man I was seeing definitely do.

It’s time to move on. You can do it.♥️

As long as you realise you are just in a FWB setup fine. But you think you are in a serious relationship which you are not.

I doubt he is being exclusive either when MIA, so I would suggest you get yourself to a clinic to get checked out.

@FlissyPaps thank you for sharing your story. - @Stargurl Honey, do you recognise yourself here?

I am one of those who do believe you. And I feel so bad for you, clearly hurting and struggling to take it all in.
I want to explain that some people are thinking this is ‘made-up’ or that you are a teenager etc because your replies do make you sound very inexperienced with men and naive in the ways of the world generally. You are obviously very kind, and trusting.

But just because you are an honest person and have been upfront about your feelings doesn’t mean that you can trust everyone else you come across. This man is clearly a player. We can all see that he is just using you for sex. And tbh, I would be very surprised if he is genuinely going 2/3 weeks without any - he is almost certainly seeing and sleeping with other people in between. As others have said, it doesn’t matter that he has told you he is exclusive and will only sleep with you, it doesn’t matter that he is affectionate when he sees you and it doesn’t matter how well you seem to get on. These are all just words. What does matter is how he treats you and his actions.

He does not treat you well. When you are not meeting up for sex he does not bother to stay in touch. He makes you feel bad because you are missing him and feeling anxious not knowing when you will see him next.
His appalling behaviour is very obvious to all of us here – and do you not talk to anybody in real life? Any family or friends? Surely someone else has noticed that this is not a healthy relationship? (Or dating situation, if that’s what you prefer to call it).

@Stargurl the reason some people have been very blunt and disbelieving with their posts is your replies don’t reflect that you are truly taking on board our advice. I hope you can be thick-skinned about it, most people are actually trying to help you but it is frustrating when it doesn’t seem like you are paying attention.
And MNet does seem to be getting a lot of Trolls recently.
Please try not to be hurt by what the posters are saying - some are kinder than others but we ALL agree. This man is a waste of time and has been emotionally abusing you, taking advantage of your trusting and honest nature.

You said. “I want to ask him face to face if he will step up or not. I don't think he realises the affect its having on me. If he says he won't step up at least I know”
1/ He will NOT step up - history shows that
2/ But he might lie and tell you different - to keep you ‘on the hook’ a bit longer
3/ He doesn’t CARE what effect his lack of contact has on you
4/ You DO know already… really, deep down. I think you are just struggling to accept it. Because you don’t want to - many of us have been there…!

You asked about boundaries, what are they?
It is the limit we set on how we allow ourselves to be treated by others.

Earlier in the thread you said “don't think I've been ghosted because this is a regular thing for him” - honey, he ghosted you from the very beginning!
Any woman with a shred of healthy self-respect would’ve told him to sling his hook in the very early days. Some sooner than others… that’s what a boundary is.
We all put them in different places - but we are concerned here because you don’t seem to have any at all.

But you did say “he will want sex if he sees me guaranteed. He's always all over me, like a lot! But I wouldn't sleep wjth him anyway now”.
That’s really good news, well done - your first boundary!

Can I please ask you to think about taking it further…
and do the following:-
1/ Please give up the idea of meeting him face to face for any chat re: ultimatum or closure, or to ‘step up’. Claim yourself some self-respect and ignore him when he messages you, or better still block him.

2/ Get yourself an STI check

3/ Get rid of his birthday gifts

4/ Look for some therapy/ counselling.
Tell them that you are emotionally vulnerable and that you are dealing with a difficult breakup, and that you need some help around healthy boundaries.

You haven’t said anything about your financial situation but if money is tight you can get a Bursary arrangement with Relate (Used to be known as Marriage Guidance, but can be used for any couple situation, don’t have to be married).
It is not just for couples trying to stay together, I had counselling with them following my breakup, they can help you with relationships in general.

5/ Then - you can grieve and feel sad (because of course you will miss the idea of him) and preferably after some counselling - get out there and date someone decent.

Someone good is out there for you, and you deserve to be treated better.
I hope the sun is out today wherever you are, and you can enjoy the day with your little boy. Be strong!

I messaged earlier in the thread sharing my very similar experience, I also met his friends & family WHEN I saw him, I let mine drag on for a year & a half (judge away!!) & It ended with me finding out that he had been cheating on me for months, but my post seems to of been missed.

Anyway, Stargurl I think if you are determined to still wait until you can see him face to face (whenever he decides that you are worthy) & then when he lies & offers you some more scraps (which he will) & then you will accept it & carry on as before, then there isn't much else to say is there.

The decent thing to do is speak to somebody face to face, but he isn't behaving like a decent person himself so doesn't deserve that from you. (Also it keeps you hanging on, pining for weeks more & stops you from moving on in the mean time)

Sorry if my post seems harsh & I wish you luck with your future choices