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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP??

339 replies

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:18

Hi everyone, I'm new here so please be nice. I am in a difficult and exasperating situation and just need to discuss it with people who can step back from the situation. I have been dating a guy (aged 29) for a few months. He told me he wants to be exclusive with me. He initiated initiated me and told me he likes me. However, he hardly ever texts me between dates and we seldom see each other any more often than every two weeks. I haven't heard a peep from him in three weeks...but I know he will eventually text asking me to meet up. In person he is absolutely amazing, he's funny, affectionate and fun. We are also physically intimate. I love spending time with with and never want it to end. But after we meet up I don't see nor hear from him for weeks. It doesn't help that i have strong feelings for him and they are just getting stronger. Any advice ? :/ xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:05

Catcrazy83 · 04/05/2022 22:03

Very unlikely you’ll go from booty call to more, he’s already decided what you’re worth to him. It’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to accept being so unimportant to him

But why is he telling me he has feelings for me and wants to be exclusive with me if he just sees me as a booty call ?? I find it so confusing , it upsets me X

OP posts:
LemonDrizzleSlice · 04/05/2022 22:06

Because he's got just what he wants, and doesn't have to put any effort into it. A nice acquiescent girl, and a quiet life.

PurpleDaisies · 04/05/2022 22:06

Does he live a long way away? I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone I hadn’t heard from in three weeks and that being normal.

TBH I’d think he had another girlfriend.

Catcrazy83 · 04/05/2022 22:06

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:05

But why is he telling me he has feelings for me and wants to be exclusive with me if he just sees me as a booty call ?? I find it so confusing , it upsets me X

Show quote history

Because he can? Words are cheap and easy. Judge him in his actions

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 22:07

But why is he telling me he has feelings for me and wants to be exclusive with me if he just sees me as a booty call

Because if he told you you were a booty call, you wouldn't want to be his booty call.

CleanerFail · 04/05/2022 22:10

Because he can and is doing exactly that to you! Don’t be so naive OP.

He’s not as into you as you are to him - surely that’s obvious by his actions?

What you should think about more is why you’re willing ti tie yourself in knots over someone who is treating you this way and not either lay out what you want in a chat with him or just cut your losses.

mug2018 · 04/05/2022 22:11

He's telling you want he wants you to believe and not what he thinks to keep you keen.
You are worth more than to be at his beck & call. If he was genuinely into you, he'd want to see you more often & miss being with you. He sadly doesn't so I would throw this one back & find someone who values your company & meets your needs

Mischance · 04/05/2022 22:17

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:54

So does everyone think he's just totally lying to me about just feelings and I am just a booty call then..? :( :(
And IF that's true, how can I go from a booty call to potential girlfriend in his mind ?

I am sorry but you cannot move him from his position into a "potential girlfriend" - frankly he is using you - how do you know that during these weeks apart he does not have others on a string like you are? This is a one-sided relationship.

I really think that you need to say to him that you feel you are being used - that his actions do not tally with his words.

What do you have to lose? - if he really wants a meaningful close relationship with you then he will respond positively; if he doesn't, then you will know where you are and can move on and find someone who really wants to be with you.

You are there ready on a plate .... if he wants sex, then he appears and away he goes. There is nothing wrong with that if it is what you both want, but he is stringing you along, pretending an emotional relationship that he does not really want.

You have to confront him - a small hurt now is better than a larger one further down the line.

I hope you are making sure you are OK healthwise.

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 04/05/2022 22:24

Hi OP, when I met my husband, 21 years ago. He was exactly the same as your BF.
We would go out, have a fantastic time, I would stay over and then nothing. It was a joke with my friends at the time but I suppose I just thought, we were both very busy with work/socially.
So after around 9 months I decided to not call regularly as i didnt know what was going on. Within a week my OH rang me, we met and had a great time and then after a year, we moved in together. 21 years later, 3 DC's. Maybe talk to him. Not all relationships go from 1 to 100 over night.

VintageGibbon · 04/05/2022 22:31

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:02

Can anyone explain/help here ...? If he doesn't care about me and isn't that into me then that's fine I could handle that, but whyis he saying he has feelings for me, and that isn't just sex for him, and that he wants to be exclusive ?! Why would he say all this and more if it isn't true? :( xx

Because it's what you want to hear and ti keeps you where he wants you. It's not working for you. I'd try being unavailable next time he calls. Don't answer the phone to him or reply to his text.

Be busy on the dates he asks to see you and just say you have 'plans' - be vague. He will either drop you quickly because he isn't interested in making an effort with you, or your status will rise and he'll be up for a chase.

You might then have to play hard to get for ages to keep him interested. Imo, that's a really boring way of keeping a man. I'd go out a lot and date other men in the long periods of times between seeing him, and keep your options open for someone who is a bit more invested.

You could try saying you don't want to be exclusive because the relationship is too sporadic and you will now be seeing other people in between, unless you get to see each other a lot more often.

LightSpeeds · 04/05/2022 22:32

It's difficult to tell what's going on here.... How did you meet and how far apart do you live? What's his job?

Iamnotamermaid · 04/05/2022 22:37

He is telling you what you want to hear. Don't t message him, make him come to you. Be less accessible and see what happens. I would say don't be exclusive yet either-he is not committed enough to deserve that from you.

Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:44

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 04/05/2022 22:24

Hi OP, when I met my husband, 21 years ago. He was exactly the same as your BF.
We would go out, have a fantastic time, I would stay over and then nothing. It was a joke with my friends at the time but I suppose I just thought, we were both very busy with work/socially.
So after around 9 months I decided to not call regularly as i didnt know what was going on. Within a week my OH rang me, we met and had a great time and then after a year, we moved in together. 21 years later, 3 DC's. Maybe talk to him. Not all relationships go from 1 to 100 over night.

This gives me hope . So how often did you see him, how frequent were your dates ...? And how often did he contact you between dates on the phone etc ? Its been 3 weeks since I've last seen him or heard from him..

OP posts:
ChloeHel · 04/05/2022 22:45

This has big, bright, red flashing lights all over it.

I remember back in my tinder day I dated a guy for 4 months, and when we saw each other the chemistry was there, but after that I too wouldn’t see him for 2-3 weeks and he’d take a week to reply to my texts sometimes. I really liked him and we became “exclusive”. He pied me off a month later.

Then I met my now DH who would text me back all the time and always wanted to be in contact. Due to university summer break I lived 3 hours away from him for 3 months, we saw each other every other week.

I would let this relationship go now before you get deeper feelings , it’s not going to go anywhere unfortunately :( he’s just saying he wants to be exclusive to keep you sweet.

Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:46

Thanks everyone, I am reading each and every single message carefully. There's too many to reply reply each one individually but I appreciate each and every comment and hope you'll stick around for further advice and support etc. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:49

I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks now. It's his birthday next week and I've wrapped all his birthday presents ready for him.. just waiting for him to text :/

OP posts:
mycatallowsmetolivehere · 04/05/2022 22:50

It's difficult to judge without knowing you both .. but from what you've said I'd be throwing this one back
If he really wanted to see you more and progress this relationship then he would

He's telling you what you want to hear , getting what he wants from you , it's up to you to decide if that is enough

Why not would start with a sit down face to face conversation- why don't we see each other more ? Would he like to ? Why does he not read messages .. we are all busy but no one is that busy !

Regularsizedrudy · 04/05/2022 22:52

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:05

But why is he telling me he has feelings for me and wants to be exclusive with me if he just sees me as a booty call ?? I find it so confusing , it upsets me X

Show quote history

So you will keep fucking him. Come on op, wise up.

Original poster
Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:55

Regularsizedrudy · 04/05/2022 22:52

So you will keep fucking him. Come on op, wise up.

Show quote history

Yeah but that's my point...why ? If it is purely sex he wants why dies he been been vother wjth me ? It's easier than eevr for guys to get no strings attached sex these days. So why put himself through the hassle of me ? (Who does not wish to partake in nsa sex)

OP posts:
TheWayoftheLeaf · 04/05/2022 22:56

Are you a lot younger than him OP? You don't seem to understand peoples points very well tbh.

He may very well like and fancy you but not want a relationship more than this casual 'every few weeks we date have sex and then I'm left alone' thing.

Talk to him and lay out your expectations and needs - aka more communication, see eachother every week.

If he's unable to commit to that then he's not the one for you and you need to either accept his terms or leave.

ChloeHel · 04/05/2022 22:58

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:49

I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks now. It's his birthday next week and I've wrapped all his birthday presents ready for him.. just waiting for him to text :/

This isn’t normal. Everyone has busy lives but not that busy that you can’t even text someone you apparently like. It takes 10 seconds maximum to send a “hey how are you?” text.

Dont you think it’s odd that you have been dating for 9 months and for most of that time you don’t know what he’s been up to in his life?

I have been in your position and know you don’t want it to be true but this guy isn’t a keeper, he’s messing you about, and the fact you have to question it on mumsnet shows that this wouldn’t be an ideal relationship you want going forward.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 04/05/2022 22:59

And Op to answer why you when it's easier to get no strings sex... is it? You accept him not speaking to you for THREE WEEKS. And you agreed not to sleep with other men. There's not much easier (effort wise) than an on-tap girlfriend who can't keep tabs on you and accepts no contact

Catcrazy83 · 04/05/2022 22:59

No strings sex is exactly what he’s got OP. You haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks! That is not a typical relationship

Regularsizedrudy · 04/05/2022 23:00

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 22:55

Yeah but that's my point...why ? If it is purely sex he wants why dies he been been vother wjth me ? It's easier than eevr for guys to get no strings attached sex these days. So why put himself through the hassle of me ? (Who does not wish to partake in nsa sex)

Show quote history

There is no hassle for him though is there? He texts you every few weeks and you go have sex with him. perfect. All he has do to is make vague noises about liking you and wanting a relationship. No skin off his nose.

PurpleDaisies · 04/05/2022 23:00

It’s pretty much no strings attached. He texts you, you screw him and give him birthday presents. He ignores you for weeks.

Do you live a long way apart?

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