HELP??

[Stargurl]

Hi everyone, I'm new here so please be nice. I am in a difficult and exasperating situation and just need to discuss it with people who can step back from the situation. I have been dating a guy (aged 29) for a few months. He told me he wants to be exclusive with me. He initiated initiated me and told me he likes me. However, he hardly ever texts me between dates and we seldom see each other any more often than every two weeks. I haven't heard a peep from him in three weeks...but I know he will eventually text asking me to meet up. In person he is absolutely amazing, he's funny, affectionate and fun. We are also physically intimate. I love spending time with with and never want it to end. But after we meet up I don't see nor hear from him for weeks. It doesn't help that i have strong feelings for him and they are just getting stronger. Any advice ? :/ xx

And no there's no thing you can do to trick, persuade or change him into suddenly desperately wanting to see you suddenly.

Not much will make him turn around and act like you want bar open communication or perhaps stopping talking to him.

@Stargurl
I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks now. It's his birthday next week and I've wrapped all his birthday presents ready for him.. just waiting for him to text
C'mon if a friend told you this to us be telling her to get a grip!!
He's not your boyfriend, it's not a relationship, you're just someone he shags when he's not got another option.
Get a refund on the gifts and block and delete and move on, you cannot be this naive.

9 months is a long time - long enough to see this is an established pattern that is working well for him. I'm guessing you haven't been away together anywhere? It sounds like this arrangement suits him just fine as he is saying the things that keep you available, but strongly resisting (with 'too busy' excuses, not replying to messages, etc) any stepping up of closeness. As a pp says, his actions are showing you who he is and what he wants.

You definitely need to pull back, and mean it - ie refuse to be dangled around any more. Either he steps up and steps up properly and changes his whole approach (I don't think he will, sounds like he is very committed to this current 'arrangement') or you start seeing other people.

Basically, this current situation is humiliating for you, you know it is, and you need to find some self-respect and change it by setting the agenda yourself.

This is pretty harsh .. we've known each other 9 months so it isn't shot term..plus we are exclusively dating as he happily wanted to do... and I've expressed I am falling for him so my emotions are over the place. What am I supposed to do...not buy the person I'm dating for 9 months a birthday present...?

How can you possibly know you’re exclusively dating? You haven’t heard from him in three weeks. At what point are you going to give up waiting on him?

Why do you have such a low level of contact with the person you’re exclusively dating?
He’s just doing everything on his terms. You need to find your self respect.

You aren't dating, unlikely you're exclusive.
You cannot be this naive after every pp pointing out the same things to you.
He hasn't spoke to you in 3 WEEKS!!
What age are you OP?

In the nicest possible way, it shouldn't be this hard this early on. He's saying all the right things but his actions are not reflecting the pretty words.

You don't ignore / not see someone you really like and fancy.

He ain't it lovely xx

I am sorry but you are not exclusively dating if you haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks. He probably doesn’t even know when your birthday is.

I think 99% of us have told you that this isn’t going to go anywhere. You seem to be holding onto a tiny glimmer of hope that all of a sudden he will want to see and speak to you more often, it’s been 9 months, it won’t change. This will end badly for you, I just hope you don’t get too hurt.

Is this a wind up? Surely no one can be this naive? If its not a wind up look at "breadcrumbing' oldest trick in the book..

I know you say you are not into "no strings attached sex".... but isn't that exactly what this is? He gets to sleep with you whenever he wants then he doesn't have to call you or even reply to your texts for weeks until he decides he wants to sleep with you again.
That is not a relationship
You can do so much better.
If a guy likes you, you will know they like you not because of their words but you will know by their actions.
Just block him and move on.

This isn’t a relationship. After 9 months, a relationship would look more like seeing each other at least 2-3 times a week (if you live near each other) and texting / calling at least every other day. You haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks. Unfortunately, it sounds like he sees you as a booty call / Friday nighter, which would be fine if that’s what you want but it isn’t, and he’s led you to believe that he wants more and feels the same as you do. Block and move on for your own self-esteem and self-respect.

Op please listen!! 21 years ago we didn’t use mobile phones like we have today- there is NO reason that he couldn’t pick up his phone to message you or call you regularly. If he TRULY wanted you, he would be making every effort to see you/talk to you regularly.

he’s LYING to you so that you’re available to him- NOT BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU/CARES about you etc- it’s because he has you waiting on the side for him when he feels like seeing you (most likely for Sex)

please wake up!!

Out of sight out of mind! I know you have feelings for him and you sound like a lovely person but he doesn't care about any of that. He cares about having sex with no relationship and you are giving him just that. You ask why he would state that he wants an exclusive relationship?
Because, like alot of men, he is a liar.

and I've expressed I am falling for him so my emotions are over the place

When you fall for someone, and it's healthy, your emotions aren't all over the place. This, coupled with the fact that you seem to have no idea why a man would say romantic things to a woman when he didn't actually want to commit, makes me think you need to leave relationships behind for a bit, and have a look at what's going on with your idea of what a good relationship is.

OP @Stargurl You've still not answered - how far away does he live and what does he do for a living? Unless he's away on a job in the middle of nowhere without mobile comms for three weeks at a time, there is no reason for not contacting you. He's not the one.

If you have been seeing him every three weeks for 9 months, then you've seen him approximately 12 times. That's not a relationship. He's treating you like a doormat. He ought to be wondering how you are or what you are doing but he doesn't care. He contacts you when he wants sex and you go running. Are you really content with these scraps of affection he throws at you? Do you feel you could show up at his house unannounced? What would he do if you left his phone call unanswered? Does he keep trying until he reaches you or are you too frightened to not answer incase he NEVER calls back? Has he introduced you to his family/work colleagues or friends? I bet his mates think he's awesome, just keeping a woman for a casual shag without needing to invest anything into a relationship. I hate to say it but they are probably laughing about you down the pub. How do you know he's not married or in a LTR? As for whatever crap lines he's feeding you about "exclusive" and "liking you", well, words are cheap and most blokes will say whatever it takes to get your clothes off. If he's treating you like this now when things should be intense and you can't get enough of each other, what will he be like when he's bored with you. I doubt he will even phone to tell you it's over. I'm sorry if that's a brutal read but for God's sake woman, this man is using you and has absolutely no respect for you. You need to look deeply at your boundaries and question why your self esteem is so low and why you are willing to allow this absolute bastard to treat you like this. He is emotionally abusive with his neglect. Please treat yourself better.

It's easier than eevr for guys to get no strings attached sex these days. So why put himself through the hassle of me ? (Who does not wish to partake in nsa sex)

Because he's already done the ground work and got you falling for him so it's a low effort way of getting sex. One he can do with multiple women so he might have say three regular women he sees and that means frequent sex with fuck all effort.

Come on OP, after three weeks of no contact most people would be thinking they've been ghosted and it's over... not trying to think of ways to persuade him to want to be your boyfriend!

You're so vulnerable to wankers if you feel this way and it makes me think you probably aren't in the right headspace to be dating at the moment.

Eh he’s just not that into you. You’re good enough for right now to pass time with especially when he has a need for sex.

This may just be his communication style but if you've been together for 9 months, there's ways of figuring out whether he's serious or not. For example, does he refer to you as his girlfriend? Have you met each other's family and friends? Does he plan for the future with you, whether that's through going on holiday together or other normal coupley sort of things?

The big thing to remember is that actions always shout louder than words. What is he doing to demonstrate that he's in an actual relationship with you?

You have no idea that you're exclusively dating. In fact the signs are that he likely has someone (or more than one) else. Otherwise - why does he disappear for 3 weeks at a time??

If he misses you then why doesn't he want to see you more? Why does he ignore your messages.

Forget what he SAYS - always look at someone's ACTIONS and how they make you feel, importantly. If someone makes you feel forgotten, ignored and unimportant then that is how they see you. Words are cheap. People sometimes use them for a quiet life / to get what they want / to make themselves look good. Of their actions don't match then their words aren't genuine.

How old are you? How many relationships have you had?

This isn't a relationship.

You say you've been going out for nine months. That doesn't count if you don't hear from him for three weeks at a time. Three days and I would consider ditching someone as just not being that interested

I can't tell if you're being wilfully naive.

Of course he's telling you he doesn't just want you for sex. Newsflash. That's what men who just want you for sex will say.

The first few months of a relationship should be exciting. You should want to see each other. That giddy excitement. He can't be bothered? Yeah he's not that into you.

Hi Stargurl I hope you are feeling ok after reading all of these responses, it can't be easy.

I'm adding my voice to the 'He is just using you for sex/companionship or whatever he fancies at the time' posts as well.

He tells you what you want to hear because, well why not? It gets him what he wants.
You have NO IDEA what he is doing when he isn't with you.

I have some personal experience of this, sadly. I dated a man like this for a year & a half(!!) We only lived 15 mins walk from each other, sometimes we would run into each other by accident & spend the night together, sometimes he would ignore me for weeks at a time whilst I sat at home tearing my hair out wondering what he was doing & if he didn't like me anymore. I met all of his family when we did actually see each other. Sometimes I would text/ring & he would answer & say he was busy but he would call later. Later could end up being weeks later. Often he wouldn't answer. Sometimes I would put him on the spot to arrange something before we parted but he would either say he promised he would let me know later (then didn't) or arrange something & either cancel or not turn up... Until it had been a few weeks & he fancied sex again (I can see that now)
I was head over heels so put up with it. Don't let it be you

The ending to all of that is he was cheating on me & had been for months.

me ? (Who does not wish to partake in nsa sex)
sorry OP, trying to break it to you gently - you ARE having nsa sex! No contact for 3 weeks?! Definitely not dating… exclusive or otherwise.
Please listen to the sheer numbers of us telling you

He’s wasting your time. Instead of thinking “I’ve been seeing him for 9 months”, think about how many times you’ve actually been out with him. At once every two or three weeks, maybe 15 times? That’s around 6 weeks in normal dating, not a bit investment of effort on his part.