HELP??

[Stargurl]

Hi everyone, I'm new here so please be nice. I am in a difficult and exasperating situation and just need to discuss it with people who can step back from the situation. I have been dating a guy (aged 29) for a few months. He told me he wants to be exclusive with me. He initiated initiated me and told me he likes me. However, he hardly ever texts me between dates and we seldom see each other any more often than every two weeks. I haven't heard a peep from him in three weeks...but I know he will eventually text asking me to meet up. In person he is absolutely amazing, he's funny, affectionate and fun. We are also physically intimate. I love spending time with with and never want it to end. But after we meet up I don't see nor hear from him for weeks. It doesn't help that i have strong feelings for him and they are just getting stronger. Any advice ? :/ xx

So most of the time he’s in your city but you hear nothing from him?

I'm sorry OP but he's lying to you. Follow his actions and not his words.

He doesn't text/meet up for weeks then has sex with you, then doesnt text for weeks again.

That is not the action of a man who wants to be with you for being you (your personality, your soh, similar hobbies and interests). Its the action of a man who is treating you as someone to have sex with. Dont fall for his lies anymore (and you can guarantee he is doing this to at least one other girl).

Drop him, move on, and return his gifts. He's not worthy of you.

Like I said you'll get better advice if you take on board all the posters. Not just the ones you want to hear.

It's quite worrying you can't see what most people here are saying.

He tells you he loves you and wants to be exclusive. Then you don't hear from him for three weeks. You have to see the two don't match up?

Forget what he says. What does he do?!

It should be fun and exciting. Everyone has different levels of texting/contact in the early days but I'm excited about someone it's first thing in the morning and last thing before bed at the very least. Not three weeks...

Or you face the alternative. Which is this is what he thinks a relationship is, bugger all contact, and you decide if this is enough for you. Personally I don't know what you're getting from this.

You can't form a meaningful relationship with someone who holds you at such a distance.

Oh fuck me.

I'm out.

Anyone who said you were getting an unfair bashing should apologise right now!

OK. This is the thing: when you fall in love with someone, you still have to be responsible for how you behave. People fall in love with axe murderers, emotional abusers, addicts, all kinds of people. 'Falling in love' doesn't dictate whether you have a relationship with someone. It's an emotion. You have to have a look at the emotion, then you have to work out how to deal with it. You don't just follow the emotion blindly where ever it leads you.

If you want him to 'improve', you essentially want him to be something he currently isn't. It's not a good idea to follow emotional attachments to people who do things differently from the way you want them done.

Your situation may hurt, but it's not bizarre and there's nothing complicated about it. He's getting sex from you when he feels like having sex. He's not providing you with the emotional connection you need, unless it's related to him getting sex from you.

You need to realise that falling in love isn't the be all and end all. He's not in love with you. The relationship is making you confused, and doesn't create an environment where you feel you can express your feelings openly. This isn't healthy, and we all need to back away from unhealthy things, even when it hurts.

Time to get some counselling. You are falling in love with a figment of your imagination, someone whom you think he is, not who he actually is. He isn't who he says he is as he is lying through his teeth.

Please please please go back to using condoms for your own health. Hes not to be trusted. He is seeing other women.

You can't force, encourage, beg, plead another person to change, only they can. And right now what good reason does he need to change? Walk away, you are already losing your mind. Dont lose it totally by staying. Hes a liar.

You sound really invested in the relationship but either he doesn't realise the depth of your feelings and commitment or he just isn't as into it as you are, but you need to know for your own peace of mind before you fall even deeper. Don't rely on him changing - he's had nine months and you've already tried to encourage more contact with no luck.

Have a frank conversation, tell him what you need from a relationship in terms of communication and time together and if it doesn't match with what he honestly wants or needs and it's not enough for you, then you need to move on. It sounds like the current situation is only causing you heartache and that can't be a fun way to live.

And please go for an STI test in the meantime, just in case!

@Stargurl look OP, there is a reason this guy isn’t contacting you or seeing you for 3 weeks and it isn’t because he has feelings for you and wants a relationship with you. You are allowing yourself to be used. His life is absolutely amazing, he gets to have sex with you without a condom whenever he wants and then doesn’t have to deal with anything in between and can go weeks without having any contact with you - this is textbook using behaviour.

I understand you feel that you are in love but I promise you that the feelings aren’t mutual on his half. You wanted our opinions and we have all given you very clear and concise advise. There is nothing you can do or say that will make him want to be your boyfriend or long term partner, if he wanted that he’d of done it by now. You need to decide whether you want to carry on being used and to end up being absolutely heart broken or you end things on your own terms.

I can tell you haven’t the strength to end things on your own however, what I would suggest is next time he contacts you DO NOT respond, and see what happens.

Some people just tell you what you want to hear. They are just words and, without actions which reflect those words, are utterly meaningless.

His words tell you he is interested, his actions say otherwise..

It took me until my mid-30s to figure out it is the actions/behaviour that matters.

Because that's just what some men do. They love the feeling of you being all desperate, it's a massive ego boost for the little prats.

I met someone like this a few years ago. Met online, amazing dates, agreed we were exclusive after around 3 months. If I ever brought up any insecurities he was so lovely and reassuring. Definitely wasn't speaking to/ seeing anyone else. Until I found out about 8 months into the 'relationship' that he was actually still on all the apps, chatting with, wanking over and meeting up with several others. He went in the bin as soon as I found out, and I made sure I let all the other women know what a toss pot he was and advised them to get an STD check

It was definitely a massive ego boost for him, thinking he was some kind of stud because he had all these women falling in love with him. Nothing makes you fall out of love quicker than finding a sleazy message from your 'boyfriend' to another girl 😂

Think he's living in his mums spare room now, probably still wanking into a crusty sock.

In a kind way I think that's that's the best, because it is ridiculous to criticise me for making the decision to stop using condoms for someone I was exclusively dating!! 🙄 (or was told I was!) Every woman who has a male partner at some point has to make that decision to stop using condoms..
.. .do you criticise all of them too ? Of course not. You have to put yourself in my shoes 8 months ago when he promised me we were exclusive and he had feelings for me.What was I meant to do? How did I know 8 months ago if he was lying or not? If at the time someone says they are only interested in you and will only be pursuing you I think lots of women would have stopped using condoms. Obviously if he had TOLD me he was dating others and sleeping others I would have INSISTED on condoms. But he told me the opposite... Ridiculous to criticise me for that.

I do really appreciate the advice and support on this thread. I'm in work so I'm trying to reply as often as I can. So what does everyone think about this - an in person chat with him? I'm not sure how to go aboit it or what to say so I don't sound clingy or irritating.

You have to put yourself in my shoes 8 months ago when he promised me we were exclusive and he had feelings for me.What was I meant to do?

What were you meant to do? Be honest about your wants and needs perhaps. Check he was your boyfriend and when it became clear he didn't want to be (you've outright said that you are not boyfriend / girlfriend and aren't in a relationship despite you seemingly being in one), break up with him because you're on an entirely different page.

You want him to be your boyfriend, yes?
You want to be in a relationship with him, yes?

Why do you feel that you aren't able to tell him that at any point in the last 18 months?

I think it's because you do know he doesn't feel the same and you don't want to say it in case he then breaks up with you.

Is that right?

If you've been dating someone for eight months, are having unprotected sex with them and are exclusively only sleeping with each other then the 'I want us to be in an official relationship' chat shouldn't be something you're worried will sound needy.

You've been the opposite of needy. You've let another adult completely dictate the dynamic between you and have everything on his terms while you squash down your real feelings and needs for fear of putting him off you.

You have to put yourself in my shoes 8 months ago when he promised me we were exclusive and he had feelings for me.What was I meant to do? How did I know 8 months ago if he was lying or not

You didn't. So you should have continued to protect yourself. 'I didn't know if he was genuine or not' isn't a reason to stop using protection. Can you see this?

I'm not sure how to go aboit it or what to say so I don't sound clingy or irritating

You say 'I need x, y and z in my relationship. Are you able to offer me those things?'

But until when though ? In my other relationships we decided to stop using condoms after a few months, and I was lucky because the men were being truthful with me, and both men ended up in long term relationships with me. So I waited a few months for this new guy too .

You see him so rarely that you can’t possibly have any idea if he’s being truthful about you being exclusive.

How many times have you actually seen him in the nine months since you started “dating”?

He lives locally most of the time. What are his reasons for being so totally out of contact with his supposed partner?

Ummm you ask if you are in are relationship or not? Does it really matter if you come across as clingy?! If you want the truth then just openly ask. The way I see it, you are in a lose, lose situation anyway.

I think I'm afraid to ask because I think he will probably say he's so busy and wants to carry on dating as we are because that's all he has time for. And I don't want to lose him. We act like boyfriend /girlfriend when we are together. He pays for meals for me, he opens doors, he kisses and cuddles me, he is super affectionate, says I'm beautiful and that he really likes me and has missed me etc. In person he is amazing and we act as boyfriend /girlfriend. But it's the time apart which makes me realise we aren't.

The “too busy” thing is bullshit. If he wanted to be in contact, he would be. He’s too busy to text you in three weeks?

You are coming across at totally naive here.

Don't take the risk and rely on luck. Until when? Until you don't have the 'How did I know 8 months ago if he was lying or not* question any more. Until you know for sure. Until you don't have questions and queries about whether you're getting what you want from him. Until his words and actions put you at ease and make you feel loved and safe and reassured, consistently, for a long period of time.

You've had plenty of advice, now, on this thread. Your main point seems to be that you were justified in how you've behaved, rather than to actually listen to what you're being told. Not really sure why you've posted, if you're so adamant that anybody would have done the same as you.

Can you see my confusion and difficulty though? In person he acts amazing and so affectionate. But once we've stopped spending time together he vanishes. :( I hate it. It plays with my emotions to feel so special to someone and so liked by them on person, but then feel invisible once we've parted ways. It messes with my head.

Have you really fallen for the line that he’s too busy for any kind of contact except when he’s free to have sex?

He leaves your messages unread.
He rarely sees you and it’s always on his terms.
He doesn’t contact you and leaves you waiting wondering when/if he’ll ever ring again.
Tell me you really think those are the actions of someone who cares about you. Honestly.