Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Afternoon all - @WeWantTheFinestWines am awaiting news to see if the pint made a difference Really hope there's some mileage in this one for you!

@Thisisworsethananticpated sorry to hear re. Balkan today... resonates hearing you say that in the sense that there's just no bandwidth available for dating angst when life is so full on in the first place.

I've been a bit in the OLD glooms - nothing major but no chats were lighting my fire. However had a first phone call last night with a possible iron and we've arranged to meet on 4th June so a while away yet.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs … excellent about this new iron and date already on the diary

This is a bit crazy but I told Mr C I want to see him before Friday . He does too although he’s busy so we are meeting Tuesday night …eeek
… we are not beating about the bush here…

Mila14

when I get back online I re read the thread rules

and remind myself to never get invested before a first date !
and to tone down the pre date texting

and I hope that Tuesday is a good date as you are clearly taken with this one

ibelieveinmirrorballs

back on the horse 🐎 you are !
I know it’s ironic as this year I started old as a form of escape and self care (ha !) from single parenting

to be fair there have been good and happy times
but the lows are LOW

And as my therapist (plus other good friends) would say - how can we protect ourselves a bit more from the lows? My starter for ten a) get to know them slowly and b) be honest with ourselves about which set ups work and which set ups leave us full of anxiety..

@Thisisworsethananticpated … rules… easier said than done 😱😱. To be honest I’m just delighted there’s 1 iron I really like and 1 that I like a lot and I’m dating them ( hopefully, unless anyone gets cold feet !!!). I’m aware next week can come and maybe no one dates me 😱. This is trial and error. I’m trying to be chilled about it

Maybe ‘guidelines’ is better
and look enjoy yourself
be happy
its all a learning curve I say

Went on a 3rd date with one of my irons last night and had a really good time which has just caused me further anxiety, got a 6th date with my other iron tomorrow. I like them both for different reasons and I’m really dreading having to choose. I was kind of hoping the choice would be more obvious by now or that it would have been made for me.

The chemistry is there with both, slightly more with the one last night but I’m wary of initial chemistry due to past bad experiences of getting hurt and it might actually be better to have a slow burner. Cuddles and kisses them both but not dtd yet. Both want the same things and have had past ltrs, no kids but want kids, one is 28 the other is 33 (I am 29). 33 year old slightly more mature but 28 year old not immature for his age, just a bit more into going out with friends but not all the time. 28 year old is the one with slightly more chemistry. I know I don’t have to choose yet but I find the idea of making a choice so hard.

Happy belated birthday, @ButterflyOfShay & @WeWantTheFinestWines ❤️

had a awful dental infection this week, so haven’t been on the apps much. I’m still chatting to my potential though. It’s going well so far, so we’ll wait and see 👍🏻🙂

@Brightstar29 …you have a wonderful problem I think. Keep dating both a bit longer if you think you can handle it until you are clearer. It’s really good both want kids as that is important for you .
@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers …good that your iron is still is in the horizon and soon dental problem will be sorted.

@Mila14 I just wish the answer were clearer by now. Both seem into me as well and seem to want the same things. Not really sure how long I’ll be able to carry it on?

@Brightstar29 …in the end you are going to have to do a list on what you like about each and compare because your heart is not really helping you here.

Thanks @WeWantTheFinestWines and @Eesha I'm doing ok, think I knew for a while we weren't going to go the distance so I felt a weight lifted when I didn't have to keep going over it in my head. Now looking forward to being single and just being me for a while 😊

@WeWantTheFinestWines happy birthday and hope that the chemistry improved! I once had great chat chemistry with someone and then nothing once we met, so I can imagine the disappointment if it stayed flat

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers ouch, hope that you feel better from your dental work soon. That's absolutely the worst

@Thisisworsethananticpated sorry about your fallout with Balkan. Your house cleaning plan sounds ace.

I'm feeling very off about things with Mr S today.

He told me ages ago that he would be busy all this weekend because of some birthday thing for his friend. We have texted literally every day for the past two months, at least a hello, and it's been total radio silence from him today. Even if he's busy, I don't see why this would mean he would not even take a moment to day hello. He's aware that I don't have plans this evening.

I thought things were good and we were on the same page. But now I feel that I have totally misjudged everything.

I'm starting to think that I should not be dating at all. I don't want to feel insecure and attached. To be honest, the comments here about how I have done something morally wrong to let my child see this man makes me feel more strongly that I have gone totally wrong with everything.

@Thisisworsethananticpated do you think Mr Balkan is good for you. It sounds quite tumultuous and a bit stressful. Is that what you want?

@hotnakedgelato I'm a big one for watching comms tailing off and thinking the worst. When you say you text every day, has it been fun texts or just pleasantries? I didn't read about you introducing your child but it's done now so you just learn for next time. Don't beat yourself up over it. I personally would be irritated at the lack of comms if its been regular before.

Got my walking date tmw!

hotnakedgelato

sounds like a wobbly day
for what it’s worth i let a local hinge date
meet my kids
he came to help with something at my house
I totally trusted him , nothing happened anyway

anyway , I hope you can unwobble

and if you want to say hello
you can always text him

Eesha
i don’t disagree ! We are both anxious and a bit fiery . Not optimal

good luck tomorrow

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers

ouch , I’m sorry and hope it’s healing ❤️‍🩹

Brightstar29

i don’t envy you this . I couldn’t keep going for so long either

toss a coin
and If you don’t agree with the toss , write it down, why not ?
maybe do some writing and thinking

So Mr Arty is a bit thin and bony. He cycles, rows and goes to the gym and I think he's too thin. I knew the minute he came off the train that I wouldn't fancy him. We still had a nice day - coffee on the beach, lunch in the sun, lots of walking - and while the chat was non stop, it didn't go into any depth at all. And he seemed uncomfortable with silence so would fill any with something he'd said earlier. When we said goodbye at the train station I went in for a quick hug to try to avoid awkwardness. Later got a message saying he'd enjoyed my company/my town and wishing me a good evening. I haven't replied yet because I bumped into a friend on her way to my evening gathering and then I've had people round all night. I'll send him a message tomorrow. Don't know whether to go into the lack of chemistry or just let it fade.

Disappointing, but another example of the importance of meeting as soon as possible. Which we did. But I think we both invested quite quickly. Really can't be bothered with old right now.

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks! Wobbles are very difficult.

In any event, he texted just after I posted, and we ended up having a really good text discussion about all sorts of things for 2.5 hours. It's really not great to jump to conclusions too soon 🤦‍♀️

@WeWantTheFinestWines that's so disappointing

@WeWantTheFinestWines I would send him a message ASAP if you aren't interested. We all complain if a man doesn't follow up/reply and are left to draw our own conclusions so you should just say you had a lovely time but didn't feel there was a spark.

I'm actually dreading similar happening to me as its been 2 weeks of messages for me and for me, being too thin is a turn off for me. I'm meeting Mr Blue early and he seems lovely. I think this is simply his first date since a tough separation so I doubt it will go anywhere as yet. But its been lovely making a connection of sorts regardless.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I don't believe this level of fieriness is sustainable. Its perhaps fun at first and the sex must be great but the volatility and lows will be tough on you mentally. Don't you want someone to balance you out a bit more. My best friend is similar but it never worked long term with her ex husbands, both fiery. She craves it but it's too combustible and they were never there for real life, mundane challenges.

WeWantTheFinestWines

bummer . That’s a real shame
hope you are not TOO disappointed

Eesha
no it’s not
and I agree
I’m sitting on my hands as I don’t want to react and do anything when I’m upset
we either have a sensible discussion about triggers , boundaries , expectations
or we bail

no ‘chemistry’ is worth this