Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I think that he was a late bloomer with sex, something he attributes to an extremely difficult and all-consuming family situation in his youth.

I suppose a guy who is really into sex probably would have gotten himself laid more often than he seems to have, if only just to scratch the itch. Maybe he has low testosterone or just doesn't have much interest. Or maybe he is porn sick. 😭

@ButterflyOfShay and trust me, I did handle it!!!

I feel for you. I’d be very wary here especially given other slightly “fixy uppy” tendencies between the two of you as previously mentioned.

You can’t solve this problem and it’s nothing to do with you. I’d be wanting to see clear initiative from him that this is something he recognises needs to be addressed as a priority and then him taking appropriate action to do so.

Otherwise I think it will destroy your self-esteem!

Yes, it would definitely destroy my self-esteem. My ex wouldn't have sex with me and it was horrible. I see from your post above that you have experienced this too - maybe I will end up transitioning him into a friend as you have done. I absolutely can't be in a sexless relationship.

I think the question is when and how to broach the subject. I'm inclined to make him come over sometime after my daughter is asleep to hash it out, as I can't be sitting on this worrying for ages

Checking in

gelatodipistacchio

damm . Yeah you need a conversation on this and fast

if it’s not fixable I can only foresee pain and angst
it’s shit , and it’s not your fault and it’s not his fault poor chap😥

your mental health is a way bigger priority than his ED , and fixing it

it’s not you , or your sex appeal
be very clear on that please x

I feel bad for him , but you are the priority here

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks! I have asked him to come over tomorrow to chat. He seemed happy about this. I locked it in and then told him that the topic is sex...

I think that it will be good to clear the air and discuss it outside the bedroom.

@gelatodipistacchio sounds tough, if he has plain old ED that’s quite easily addressed, the ads for ED treatments are just everywhere now, ( I get them in FB),

if he has low sex drive, low libido etc, that’s probably linked to lower than would be expected testosterone levels, which he probably won’t notice as he will feel normal, I think you said he didn’t have an erection in the morning, that’s a symptom of lower T levels as testosterone is produced during sleep (lot of men will wake up with an erection ).

Whatever you decide, tell him to get one of numan blood tests.

welcome.numan.com/blood-test-health-check/ppc-fear-nothing-mbg/?pc=mot30&gclid=Cj0KCQjwpcOTBhCZARIsAEAYLuUwqR65iA6WuINWR43y_8sI_vualIyPN7vt0yowv9U0IjoJlOJGh3EaAj3uEALw_wcB

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow thanks...but how would you go about making this suggestion??? Would you straight up say that he should get his T levels checked???

Gawd I really feel for you @gelatodipistacchio - why isn’t he doing this himself anyway??

I find it so frustrating - you hardly know him - he should be the one dealing with this and coming to you with reassurance… I think it’s different when you’ve been together a while but straight off the bat to be an issue, it’s annoying!

@gelatodipistacchio
I'm gutted for you😢I don't have much advice but I hope the chat goes well and you get to the bottom of it.

My ex also didn't want to have sex with me so I'm adamant not to end up in the same situation again. I've met a couple of decent guys who admitted they have little interest in sex and not much experience and it's not for me, I have a very high drive!

@gelatodipistacchio frankly yes, it might help him with future relationships,

@ibelieveinmirrorballs IF his T levels are a bit lower than would be expected for a man of his age, he wouldn’t even notice, he would feel pretty normal and just think that how all men are, it wouldn’t even cross his mind, it’s not like having low iron levels where you feel tired all the time, he would just feel ordinary until a naked woman points out the he doesn’t have an erection …

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I do hear you, I really do - but it does just annoy me that it takes for the woman to take the initiative and bring it up... it is SO HARD as a woman because we feel so mean and pushy to even address these things with men because we KNOW it's sensitive etc etc. It would be so much easier if the man could think 'hang on, I've clearly got an issue here as I haven't had an erection with this woman I clearly fancy' and initiate the discussion himself.

I’m a bit with
ibelieveinmirrorballs

and the data from HowlongWillThisTakeNow
is interesting as I didn’t know this

but yeah , he in bed with hot naked gelato
this is his job to acknowledge and address

gelato I’m sorry babe , I was really hopeful abiut this one , the road is a bloody rocky one

Yes I do understand, but if he has always been like this and didn’t go through the teenager perma-erection stage, he potentially doesn’t know/ feel/ realise that he has an issue until someone points it out ( at which stage it’s a bit late of course)

As per my previous post, I can only suggest that gel indicates this to the guy and leave it at that, sorry.

As an “older” man I’m fully aware of how testosterone etc affects me, so I’m probably more intune to these kinda changes

Thanks, all. This is super helpful. I think it is a really good point that he may have a low drive and just not know it's weird.

I think that I will find a way to structure the conversation so that at some point I ask about his sex drive generally and point out that hormone levels impact drive and can fluctuate over time. I can say that I historically and currently have a strong drive (but it was seriously impacted by emotional stuff for a while). Then I can say something about my drive in the future potentially changing with perimenopause.

This can open the door to discussing what is going on, potential causes, and a segue into T levels and testing for this.

There was a post the other day about a female who had met a guy and when he’d gone down on her he said she ‘ tasted quite strong’ and maybe she should drink more water. She was pretty much adamant she wouldn’t see him again because she felt it was an issue that he’d mentioned it. I didn’t keep following the thread so not sure how it turned out. Just mentioning this as an example of how different people react to things that might be an issue with them when others point it out to them.

@gelatodipistacchio
i maybe completely wrong and it’s something else, but lower than would be expected T levels in men is not all that uncommon, it’s known as hypogonadism ( an unfortunate name, if there ever was one)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypogonadism

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/276013

Aye
I agree with this
Unless he's open about it and actively trying to sort it, it's unlikely he'll ever change

I have had a sexless relationship and it was proper shit for the self esteem :(

I felt a bit mean about dropping K like a hot stone last week, but I'm glad I found out early that he struggles with boners (he did not tell me either! I found out the hard - ahem, soft - way)

Music man in comparison is like night and day to K. 100% chemistry in and out of the bedroom so far... he stayed over this weekend and we had a lot of fun 😊

@Stepcount noted, and good warning. I think that he is an open person and will want to discuss it (he's so lovely), but if he gets bent out of shape he's not for me, anyway. So nothing to lose!

@Youcunnyfunt sounds like you made the right decision! Decisive action like that can be hard but is best for everyone.

@gelatodipistacchio of course you absolutely have to keep your needs at the forefront of your actions and as you say if he struggles with what you are discussing then sadly ultimately he may not turn out to be someone you feel you can continue to see. From what you share he sounds like he's very interested in you and vice versa. I shared the story only because it struck me that when confronted with a very personal observation people can feel on the spot and their reactions can vary widely. Your iron's desire to address his lack of erection may come down to how much he wants it for himself and in turn for pursuing and developing things with you. My partner has ED and it's been a long and complex situation to navigate.

Wish you a fruitful and calm convo @gelatodipistacchio - I do think it’s so hard as you haven’t had sex at all yet have you..? (Sorry intrusive questions…) It’s very difficult when this is the starting point. Hopefully he will grab the bull by the horns, so to speak 😬

@ibelieveinmirrorballs nope, no maypole yet, so no PIV sex (and actually no oral, either - I told him yesterday that I would want us both to get tested first because it is unprotected sex after all).

I have actually drawn up a small agenda, with "actually having sex" as item 2 (not sure whether I will actually announce to him that there is an agenda).

I totally don't mind invasive questions on an anonymous forum.

blimey, women are brutally frank about sex and ahem “expected 🍆 performance”, in a way that men just are not, don’t know what is going to happen when my maypole no longer “works” 😞, it a bit of a measure (no pun intended) of being a man.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

its probably sounding way harsher because for many (not all ) people OLD is mainly for sex and intimacy - let’s be honest !!

in the context of a marriage or a LT relationship , it’s different conversation totally

i even had a make friend text me and ask why a woman is ‘dry’ ! I said because she’s not turned on you Wally !