Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Just checking in, saw the title in Active Threads and it made me laugh 😂 bravo @ButterflyOfShay !

Great thread name 😂 patiently waiting to see if anyone has had their maypole tonight. Or mayflower for the gentlemen 😇

Touche @ButterflyOfShay

Hear you re. concerns about MrM. Thankfully he's away on business for a week or so and I've got about 40,000 other much more pressing things to think about. Definitely of the opinion that dating is a distraction for me right now. Need to put that energy firmly back focused towards my own life rather than be all "ooh look at that interesting thing over there!".

I love the fine old fashioned traditions such as maypole dancing 😂😂😅

It’s hard though @ibelieveinmirrorballs , when I meet someone I like I get completely distracted and think about them waaay too much!!

Checking in!

Yes me too BUT I’m convinced this is the very thing that needs fixing. Fill up my own life, take things slowly, multi-dating, etc etc.. easier said than done!

Also checking in. Fairly new to OLD but on a mission to throw myself in and see how it works and how it makes me feel. I’ve been on five first dates so far. All decent people but no spark with four… i have arranged a second date with one as he was lovely and very interesting… just didn’t have much fun but maybe he was nervous. That dates is a couple of weeks away though.

The first date took the vacancy I didn’t realise I had for a FWB. He has no long term potential as he is emotionally unavailable, but he is great in all the other ways.

There are very few decent profiles near to me (basically none) so I have joined loads of Apps and have so far only found one potential on each. There is one really great potential guy and have a date with him set up for Wednesday. I suspect he may be overwhelmed by interest though as he is new and a rarity in the area! Therefore, not investing too much emotional energy on him. But, fingers crossed as he ticks all the boxes!

Thanks for new thread @ButterflyOfShay

May is a sexy month I think, weather starting to warm up, more opportunities for date walks and we can start swopping coffee stops for icecream/beer garden swops

Thanks for new thread
love the title (obvs!)

ibelieveinmirrorballs

yeah well I can’t talk
im sure you will tread carefully

Lovely date 2 this afternoon number 3 planned for Thursday. Very early days but all feeling very positive and absolutely no worries about him being interested or if he is going to disappear. I don't feel anxious just chilled. Heading in the right direction I feel, enjoying it but remaining cautious 😀

@Rubyroseyposey so happy for you!😀

Mr Hipster and I spoke about date 3 but nothing has been confirmed yet, which sets me on edge a bit!

Thank you 😊 when was date 2? Can you bring it up, mention what to do etc?

Checking in. Thanks for the new thread, @ButterflyOfShay ❤️

Glad to hear your date went well, @Rubyroseyposey ❤️

glad to see you, @Heartbeats0708! ❤️

no dates or irons for me, currently. There’s just no one grabbing me at the moment.

It is easier said than done @ibelieveinmirrorballs and I’m pretty sure most of us are exactly the same 🙂 that’s why it’s good to hash things out here.. a bit of support 💗

hello newbies 👋

That’s lovely @Rubyroseyposey ! @Penguinwaddler hope you hear from him!!

Thanks for the thread...checking in with my usual advice:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

Checking in. Nothing to report here. The usual dross and the odd ghoster.

Absolutely love the new thread title @ButterflyOfShay

Sadly, there was no Maypole 😨

Both of us had a great time on our date. I made a quick lunch then we went for a long walk, found a fun bar on the canal and stayed there for several drinks, then had a really nice meal. When we were walking through a park between bar and meal, he told me that he feels incredibly lucky to have met me. He asked if I had thought about when would be an appropriate time to introduce him to my daughter.

But then...no boner. He seemed not to care that much that I am on my period and we discussed protection etc. But he didn't get hard. He said that he was frustrated and disappointed.

Also, he stayed over and when we were kissing this morning I didn't sense a boner (thought it wasn't a great time to make a grab for it).

I'm getting anxious about this. Really anxious.

Ah @gelatodipistacchio . Yeah that is kind of weird isn’t it?? 😣 feel bad for you.

@ButterflyOfShay I'm in a panic. I really, really like him. I thought that spending all of this great time together would help him loosen up.

I don't think that he is that sexually experienced though he has had a couple of relationships.

Now my brain is inventing all sorts of crazy reasons for it. Maybe he has chronic ED and will never be able to get it up. Maybe it's pure performance anxiety due to not having sex in a few years and the fact that I am so stunningly beautiful (joke). Maybe he actually isn't attracted to me and he is trying to get to my daughter (paranoid). Maybe it was the alcohol? But surely a man who is attracted to a woman will get an erection, especially in the morning.

Oh @gelatodipistacchio - sorry to read your good-but-also-anxiety-inducing update.

I would also find this very upsetting. As women we are conditioned to be very accepting of these sorts of issues but when it happens right at the start of something it is so so hard to know how to approach it. I imagine he’s hugely attracted to you, otherwise why would he put himself in that situation?

My last-but-one iron had a lack of libido after just a couple of months together and I hated it. We just didn’t have enough time together under our belts for it to be worth it. Interestingly I spoke to him yesterday (we are now friends) and he said he’s trying OLD but not that bothered about sex. Well you might not be I said, but most women are! Just out of a miserable marriage, great sex is exactly what I’m looking for!

I am not sure what to suggest or what I’d do. I would very likely have to have an upfront chat about what the history is and a way forward. Bit concerning that you suggest he may not have had sex for a long time with not many previous partners - are these facts all related?

My ex never wanted to shag either. It was soul destroying 🤯

Honestly @gelatodipistacchio none of those are crazy thoughts. It’s a hard one to handle isnt it. (Just not hard in his pants) 😥