Step children - control in a public forum

[lawyerbunny1978]

I would welcome advice, please. Please read, I'm at the end of my chain.

My OH has a son and daughter. Daughter (H) is 27 and lives in his flat with her friend. Son (T) is 18, about to take his A-levels and lives with ex-wife. I have a 4 and a 7 year old.

My OH and I met 2 1/2 years ago, when he was separating from ex-wife. She's fed all kinds of poison into the well, after she found out about me but that's OT and I am clear that I was nothing to do with their marriage ending.

T and H won't meet me. They have consistently refused to, saying they needed 'time to adjust', then 'we need to build back our relationship with you, Dad, then we'll see', but ignoring me throughout, wanting their 'old Dad' back. They set curfew times for him for 5 months, so he had to be home by 6pm, so he could see me in the day in lockdown, to help with my childcare, but nothing more. Today, they're still 'emotionally unready', so I can't meet them, can't meet his parents etc.

The ex wife has conveyed many messages of 'you're a nobody, you don't exist for us'. I can tune her out, though that's been hurtful, but we're now 2.5 years in and I am in therapy, on anti-depressants, you name it.

My question is around this Summer. Without being specific, we are both into a big hobby scene that involves public events at a big level. Huge investment of time, lots of effort and you're literally on display and people come out to see you. Let's pretend it's top level eventing, Badminton time (it isn't!).

I have enjoyed this hobby for decades, before and after children, well before I met OH. It's obviously become a large part of our social life now, with mutual friends. OH has the kit. T has grown up around it. H isn't interested, but protective of T.

T and ex-wife have, to me, weoponised this hobby, tried to keep me out of what's 'theirs' as they see it. With lockdowns, and few events happening, we've got away with it for 2 years, but the chips are down this year. Last year OH and I felt solid, he was standing up to them and expecting them to join in to our world together, or be adults and opt out with respect for OH and me.

This year, he's doing the opposite. Saying to T he can have his 'exclusive' time with Daddy and asking me to be 'magnanimous' and drop out. I would gladly do that to give them space, believe me. But for T that means me not attending any events at all. I can't be on the same field, or he won't go. I can't go as public, camping miles away and won't see him, if he knows I'm going to be there, as I've done for 15+ years, he won't attend .

By way of example, at the end of May we're due to attend an event. I will help on all the set-up, but am then asked to say away for the next 3 days. I am told that I can't take my kids along for an ice cream for 30 minutes, because if I do, T won't go at all, because of his 'emotions'.

My children have grown up in this world, too. I have many friends that I won't see, if I don't go. I know this isn't right, OH knows it isn't right. I'm faced with turning my back on a hugely important part of my and my children's life, to save a relationship I'm not even sure is worth it, if I'm treated like this.

Any advice and comment appreciated, I really am at the end of my chain.

@lawyerbunny1978

My question was around the behaviour of others, and how I should respond in the right way.

You cannot control the behaviour of others, you can only control your reaction to it. And since you are in therapy and on meds (not criticizing either) I'd say you aren't doing a very good job of it (again not criticizing).

As Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". You've been trying to appease, accommodate, and mitigate over and over and it hasn't done a damn thing except make you miserable. It hasn't changed his, the exW, or the DC's behaviours one iota. So just STOP.

Instead, stand up for YOU and for your own DC. Tell your OH that you are DONE trying to appease the unappeasable and that you will attend and do your hobby/activity as you choose, when you choose, and will no longer hide or 'disappear'. Tell him to deal with them himself because you are DONE dealing with them.

He can either tell them that he will no longer ask you to 'hide' and they need to just deal with that, or he can fold his tent and slink off into the sunset and out of your life. Either way is a win for you.

And that's how you respond 'in the right way'. Do that and I predict that your MH will improve drastically in short order.

Dutch your spineless p and do your hobby with your friends and your dc.

Your p sounds like a massive arse, terrified of upsetting his dc who are grown adults!!!! He needs to man the fuck up.

*Ditch!

I haven’t read all the replies to this so forgive me if I cover old ground.

My first thoughts after reading the OP were all in support of you and how dare an 18 year old dictate to an adult woman where they can and cannot go.

but having read your updates and elaboration of the time line I now really feel for the young man caught up in this. He was 15 (or maybe 16?) when this started. A tricky age fraught with lots of physical and emotional changes even at the best of
times. But this wasn’t the best of times it was the start of a pandemic when the world closed down. Not only his day to day routine and education interrupted (presumably heading towards GCSEs that year or the next), but physical interaction with his friends gone and any sports/clubs he used to ground himself and de-stress gone. And it was at this moment of unprecedented upheaval and uncertainty (which has had a massive negative impact on his generation especially) that his father leaves him to move in with a woman he’s known a few months and to look after her kids! I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he feels a bit bitter and is trying to regain some control. Now we can see that it’s unreasonable of him to say you can’t attend this event but let’s reflect on what his dad has taught him - that it’s ok to put your own desires and put your own wants above those you ‘love’ (and therefore how much more so someone you hate). And therefore I think he’s behaving exactly as he was taught by his father - don’t think of others, don’t consider their needs, their emotions, their struggles, do what’s best for you. And it seems what’s best for him at the moment is to pretend you don’t exist. And I can’t blame him. Your partner has parented badly through this and is now reaping what he has sown, and allowing you to pay the price.

@lawyerbunny1978 I’m curious to know what happened in the end. Are you still with him?

Me too. I hope she didn't. She deserves so much better.