Step children - control in a public forum

[lawyerbunny1978]

I would welcome advice, please. Please read, I'm at the end of my chain.

My OH has a son and daughter. Daughter (H) is 27 and lives in his flat with her friend. Son (T) is 18, about to take his A-levels and lives with ex-wife. I have a 4 and a 7 year old.

My OH and I met 2 1/2 years ago, when he was separating from ex-wife. She's fed all kinds of poison into the well, after she found out about me but that's OT and I am clear that I was nothing to do with their marriage ending.

T and H won't meet me. They have consistently refused to, saying they needed 'time to adjust', then 'we need to build back our relationship with you, Dad, then we'll see', but ignoring me throughout, wanting their 'old Dad' back. They set curfew times for him for 5 months, so he had to be home by 6pm, so he could see me in the day in lockdown, to help with my childcare, but nothing more. Today, they're still 'emotionally unready', so I can't meet them, can't meet his parents etc.

The ex wife has conveyed many messages of 'you're a nobody, you don't exist for us'. I can tune her out, though that's been hurtful, but we're now 2.5 years in and I am in therapy, on anti-depressants, you name it.

My question is around this Summer. Without being specific, we are both into a big hobby scene that involves public events at a big level. Huge investment of time, lots of effort and you're literally on display and people come out to see you. Let's pretend it's top level eventing, Badminton time (it isn't!).

I have enjoyed this hobby for decades, before and after children, well before I met OH. It's obviously become a large part of our social life now, with mutual friends. OH has the kit. T has grown up around it. H isn't interested, but protective of T.

T and ex-wife have, to me, weoponised this hobby, tried to keep me out of what's 'theirs' as they see it. With lockdowns, and few events happening, we've got away with it for 2 years, but the chips are down this year. Last year OH and I felt solid, he was standing up to them and expecting them to join in to our world together, or be adults and opt out with respect for OH and me.

This year, he's doing the opposite. Saying to T he can have his 'exclusive' time with Daddy and asking me to be 'magnanimous' and drop out. I would gladly do that to give them space, believe me. But for T that means me not attending any events at all. I can't be on the same field, or he won't go. I can't go as public, camping miles away and won't see him, if he knows I'm going to be there, as I've done for 15+ years, he won't attend .

By way of example, at the end of May we're due to attend an event. I will help on all the set-up, but am then asked to say away for the next 3 days. I am told that I can't take my kids along for an ice cream for 30 minutes, because if I do, T won't go at all, because of his 'emotions'.

My children have grown up in this world, too. I have many friends that I won't see, if I don't go. I know this isn't right, OH knows it isn't right. I'm faced with turning my back on a hugely important part of my and my children's life, to save a relationship I'm not even sure is worth it, if I'm treated like this.

Any advice and comment appreciated, I really am at the end of my chain.

I do think it’s good for parents to spend time with their biological children and I’d be more than happy for him to go to this event with them.

However that doesn’t stop you going with your DCs.
Just go and stay in a different hotel than him.

It will be quite a nice way to break the ice actually as you can bump into each other every now and then and then carry on with your day, without the awkwardness of having to meet them for a prolonged period of time.

I do think there is a lot more to this story though.

They set curfew times for him for 5 months, so he had to be home by 6pm, so he could see me in the day in lockdown, to help with my childcare, but nothing more.

I hope he wasn’t looking after your children in the first 5 months of meeting.

It also sounds like he was still living with them for this period and any person would feel put out if someone was going to another women’s house during the day to help her look after her kids and then coming back home and probably still sleeping with their mum.

Their reaction seems extreme and as they’re adults I think this is because you’ve left a lot of details out.
Your partner also sounds like he feels guilty for something.

OP, this is utterly, utterly batshizzle, and you know it!!

It's time for your DP to point out to his ADULT children that you had nothing to do with his marriage break up, that you were also involved with the hobby well before you met, that YOUR kids have been raised around it and are AS IMPORTANT as they are and hence, whether they like it or not, you will be doing as you please and they need to get the feck over it.

If not then, I don't tend to say this lightly, but it mat be time to LTB! He's overstepping the mark by a good mile here, OP. This isn't protecting his kids, this is expecting you to bend over backwards and allow your kids to miss out for them and it won't change unless you play hard ball.

He clearly knows he/they are being unreasonable, he just wants an easy life.

Definitely a partner problem.

It's one thing if his children don't want to meet you. They don't have to.

But not being allowed to meet his parents or go to your hobby?

How dare he put you in that position and issue those demands.
He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Ditch this fool.

Sounds like ''Re~enactments?''... Lose the lousy partner and his kids, and carry on enjoying your hobby.

Edit: His adult kids.

I’d be ditching the boyfriend.

so it’s OK for you and your much younger children's lives to be completely disrupted and banned from socialising with your friends and enjoying this sport you’ve invested a lot of time and effort in.

but your almost adult step son cannot possibly be expected to suck it up and risk catching a glimpse of you possibly amongst a load of other people.

id suggest to your boyfriend he magnanimously bow out of this sport forever. See how he reacts.

Never let a man lead to you needing therapy and anti depressants after 2.5 years and no children together! What on earth are you thinking? Put your children first and stop this petty nonsense by ending the relationship

Fuck that.

TELL him you are DONE with having his kids run your life. If he wants to be a wet blanket sap he can on his own!!

2.5 years feels like a long time, but FMD imagine the rest of your life living like this!! No fucking way.

prioritise your life! Your kids lives! Tell him to fuck off.

It's just occurred to me that I've taken all of this at face value, because you have. But everything that his ex/DC are saying is filtered through him to you, you don't communicate directly with any of them. You were accommodating of his DC's feelings at the start so what if he's now using that against you and lying? So perhaps he doesn't have to be home by 6pm because of a curfew, perhaps he's out with another woman and the curfew is a convenient lie. Perhaps his son isn't even going to the event, but your OH will be there with another woman which is why you can't even be there in the background, because you would see him. I'm not saying that this is the most likely scenario, just that he clearly doesn't like being alone because he lined you up while he was still separating from his ex. And, frankly, a lying partner is pretty common while batshit control-freakery by adult children is less common.

One of my friends was in a relationship with a guy for a few years and he started to be quite strict about what she could leave in his flat and he had 'work commitments' a few evenings a week. Turned out he was dating someone new but didn't want my friend to know until he was sure of the new woman. When he was sure that he preferred the new relationship, my friend just got a casual 'we're over now' dumping. Then she realised that he had done that with his previous girlfriend and her.

Wtf! End this already.

Whether you ditch him or not, you should be going to this.

Take your children. See your friends. If he can't sort his situation with the toxic ex and entitled adult children, that's on him but you go to your hobby.

Let us know how it went. I expect it to be superb because it should be, for you.

Set some boundaries OP. You can't ditch a huge part of your life because his son is having difficulty with the fact your OH has moved on. I sympathize with the (adult) children who will of course be finding it difficult, but they do not get to dictate whether you get to go to public events.

I would tell your OH that you are going, that you will be taking your children and seeing your friends, that you will keep your distance from him and T to avoid as much friction as possible, but that you will not be cowed into staying at home and missing out. What he and T do with that information is up to them.

Please go

Please get rid of him

Whichever order you choose, but please do both.

When did teenage and adult offspring gain the right to dictate to their parents what they are allowed to do and not allowed to do?
They have absolutely no right to dictate your behaviour and you have every right to tell them so.
If a non offspring adult told you you were not allowed to attend an event because they didn't like you, I should imagine you'd say something along the lines of "that's a hilarious level of entitlement now f* off"

Try it.

At best case, your boyfriend has gone from 'process of separating' she probably knew nothing of this when she was making his tea and washing his pants to looking after somebody else's children within a few weeks. You might not think you were the reason for the split, but that certainly isn't guaranteed.

He's then keen to keep you away from the hobby you have always done. on the grounds that his teenager wants it to himself without you there. Assuming it's purely coincidental and you didn't meet your boyfriend at the activity he now wants to prevent you from doing, separate you from friends and something you have always done - why would he want that? Maybe there's somebody there he's more interested in seeing and doesn't want it to get back to you? After all, there is a possibility that he first started seeing you through that hobby and hadn't got around to mentioning to his wife that she was separated at that point. And everything is filtered through him, including these claims of being banned from something you've always done or you'd be keeping him from his child.

A better decision would be to split up, you keep your lifelong activity, friends and social life and he can find something else to do with his son. I'm sure he'd be sad about it but, hey, you were there first, it's your thing. He wouldn't be so cruel as to demand that you gave up your life on hearsay about a teenager and sat at home alone whilst he took his kid to everything all the time, would he?

Whether this is music festivals, LARPing, Morris dancing, stuff like Goodwood or anything else is irrelevant. You do what you want and your boyfriend/ex boyfriend is perfectly at liberty to take his kid along to the events. But neither have the right to force you to give it up.

Your boyfriend could probably do with hearing that as well. Because it is a hilarious level of entitlement.

PS - 'They set curfew times for him for 5 months, so he had to be home by 6pm' make it sound more like he needed an excuse to go back home to the wife as they hadn't split up at all and she needed to not realise he wasn't really at work/doing volunteering/taking his permitted daily exercise.

It really isn't worth it. He really isn't worth it.

You have never met his "children", you have no relationship with them, so they get no say in what you do or where you go. Go to the hobby with your children. If his kids don't like it they can go home. Let their dad stay home if he wants. He sounds like a real ball ache.

Put yourself and your kids first.
Walk away from this relationship. Your partner should have your back on this. Get out before your kids grow and start realising how badly you're being treated.
Good luck

I never say LTB, but seriously. If it’s a choice between you having a life and not, then end this relationship. Let his kids and ex wife win. Your OH needs to man up.

Didn't make it to the end. Sounds like your boyfriend is the problem. These kids are adults and your boyfriend needs to draw some boundaries. You do your thing with your kids, he and his kids can do their thing. If you breathing within 5 mile radius offends his kids then that's their problem

2.5 years in and he's treating you like a dirty secret? No wonder your mental health is declining.

Oh dear OP, what have you got yourself in to with this spineless twat of a man.

Do yourself a big favour and run away fast from this futile relationship where you and your family will always be expected to miss out in order to appease others. You will surely feel so liberated and free to enjoy your hobby with your children without drama and judgement. Doesnt that sound like bliss?

How will T even recognise you, if you go with your children? He’s never met you. If your other half is so concerned for T’s mh, then there’s no need for him to know you might be coming. It’s seems ridiculous to promise not to come to something for the sake of someone who doesn’t know you.

It’s not worth it, leave him- carry on with your hobby and have fun with your kids. Just out of curiosity does his ex have a new relationship shop? And if yes are they this demanding with their mother?