Step children - control in a public forum

[lawyerbunny1978]

I would welcome advice, please. Please read, I'm at the end of my chain.

My OH has a son and daughter. Daughter (H) is 27 and lives in his flat with her friend. Son (T) is 18, about to take his A-levels and lives with ex-wife. I have a 4 and a 7 year old.

My OH and I met 2 1/2 years ago, when he was separating from ex-wife. She's fed all kinds of poison into the well, after she found out about me but that's OT and I am clear that I was nothing to do with their marriage ending.

T and H won't meet me. They have consistently refused to, saying they needed 'time to adjust', then 'we need to build back our relationship with you, Dad, then we'll see', but ignoring me throughout, wanting their 'old Dad' back. They set curfew times for him for 5 months, so he had to be home by 6pm, so he could see me in the day in lockdown, to help with my childcare, but nothing more. Today, they're still 'emotionally unready', so I can't meet them, can't meet his parents etc.

The ex wife has conveyed many messages of 'you're a nobody, you don't exist for us'. I can tune her out, though that's been hurtful, but we're now 2.5 years in and I am in therapy, on anti-depressants, you name it.

My question is around this Summer. Without being specific, we are both into a big hobby scene that involves public events at a big level. Huge investment of time, lots of effort and you're literally on display and people come out to see you. Let's pretend it's top level eventing, Badminton time (it isn't!).

I have enjoyed this hobby for decades, before and after children, well before I met OH. It's obviously become a large part of our social life now, with mutual friends. OH has the kit. T has grown up around it. H isn't interested, but protective of T.

T and ex-wife have, to me, weoponised this hobby, tried to keep me out of what's 'theirs' as they see it. With lockdowns, and few events happening, we've got away with it for 2 years, but the chips are down this year. Last year OH and I felt solid, he was standing up to them and expecting them to join in to our world together, or be adults and opt out with respect for OH and me.

This year, he's doing the opposite. Saying to T he can have his 'exclusive' time with Daddy and asking me to be 'magnanimous' and drop out. I would gladly do that to give them space, believe me. But for T that means me not attending any events at all. I can't be on the same field, or he won't go. I can't go as public, camping miles away and won't see him, if he knows I'm going to be there, as I've done for 15+ years, he won't attend .

By way of example, at the end of May we're due to attend an event. I will help on all the set-up, but am then asked to say away for the next 3 days. I am told that I can't take my kids along for an ice cream for 30 minutes, because if I do, T won't go at all, because of his 'emotions'.

My children have grown up in this world, too. I have many friends that I won't see, if I don't go. I know this isn't right, OH knows it isn't right. I'm faced with turning my back on a hugely important part of my and my children's life, to save a relationship I'm not even sure is worth it, if I'm treated like this.

Any advice and comment appreciated, I really am at the end of my chain.

This thread has taken an odd turn!

But didn’t you read? They were all but over, abs at each other’s throats! She sprang the trap and helped liberate them all!

they should be making OP a trophy

You might have convinced yourself your relationship isn’t the reason a family fell apart but they certainly haven’t. And it’s really unreasonable to ever expect them to.

Sorry OP I agree it sounds like their marriage being "walking dead" was just in his mind and certainly not how the rest of the family felt. Sounds like you moved very quickly and invested in a happy families future just a few months into your 2 year relationship. Two years is no time at all for teen/adult children. Maybe they'll want to get to know you if you're still together after five or 10 years.

we're now 2.5 years in and I am in therapy, on anti-depressants, you name it.

Jesus Christ, OP, what’s happened in your life that you think this is an acceptable way to allow yourself to be treated? Nothing is worth this.

Lose the boyfriend. He’s vile. You’re currently no higher than fifth in this priorities, he’s putting himself, his children, his ex-wife, and his hobby before you.

Sweetheart if this relationship has out you in this toxic situation with his family
and it’s been bad for years

I can’t see it changing and I can only see your mental health getting worse

they will always paint you badly and they sound really dysfunctional

its also grim for your children to be part of this
really

If this guy's paid women to have babies for him then cheated on the woman who raised them with him, he's a fucking arsehole and you should get rid.

You have already said your oh has told many lies to his ex and dc, it seems he has told you many lies also.

Your oh is feeling massively guilty about being a crap dad for bringing these DC into the world and failing to maintain happy families with their mum and as surrogates, god knows how that fact messes with their mental health but I can imagine it could make them insecure.

It's a dysfunctional and toxic mess how they treat you but I don't believe pointing fingers of blame will help anyone but it is clear you would be better off not subjecting your DC and yourself to this dysfunction.

The fact you have managed to keep at your sport at this public level despite the toxic Maelstrom you have been forced to operate under is a credit to you op.

I think a bit of love and compassion all round is in order, you have to put yourself and your DC first though from now on.

Your situation is unwinnable so don't beat yourself up and don't get caught up in tying yourself in knots.

Be the best mum you can be and put your own MH first.

Hopefully you are not reliant on your oh financially but it would be better for you not to be enmeshed in this unwinnable toxic environment.
Good luck op

Please ask for this thread to be removed, you've made them very recognisable with the detail of how the children came about (which is completely irrelevant)

To be honest, the kids sound very spoiled and everyone is just through hoops to try and accommodate their feelings. But what about your feelings? Don't they count too?

It's decision time! Your DP needs to 'man up' and tell them all that you're a part of his life now and where he goes, you go. If they don't like it, they have the freedom to not attend, but this is the way it's going to be. If he's not willing to stand up for you, then you need to think hard about what you really want.

I'm in!
@VeronicaBeccabunga I have a campervan so you can bunk in with me 😂

If they hadn't actually separated when you started the relationship, then you were part of the break up, but regardless of that. assume you must know the ex wife and the children already if you have all been involved in this specialist hobby for over a decade? They don't get to tell you that you can't go, and that shouldn't be something that he is asking. Will there be any other issues going with other people going since I assume quite a few people would k ow both you and the ex?

Please don't not go to an event that has been part of your life for 15 years. If they don't like it, they don't go. Simples. If you back down this time that will be it... Why should you and your children suffer when they're the ones who can't accept a change?

Sorry why are his adult children's feelings more important than your children's? Go to the event. If the older children can't be civil and say hello, they all need to exit stage left x

No no no no no, you and your DC are free to do what you want when you want and his wife and adult kids can like it or not. Please stop letting these awful people have power over your life, they are impacting on YOUR young kids, that would be a deal-breaker for me, his kids aren't more important than yours. I think you need to get away from all of them xxx

Have you read all OP’s updates? Are you still completely on her side.

yes she should go to the event. But my goodness the other family were treated appallingly by her boyfriend. He was sneaking around and lying. Cheating on his wife and lying to his children. One was an adult, but his younger was only 16.

they are wrong to take that out on OP - but I do understand why this man’a family are hurt and angry. To be honest if I was one of the kids I wouldn’t want to meet her and wouldn’t want to see my dad play happy families after what happened.

it seems OP knew he was married, knew he was lying to his children and wife bur has justified the cheating becomes the marriage was unhappy.

he is the one who cheated though. She should go to the event, just avoid her nasty boyfriend and his family.

Their 74 year old mum has been dumped for a woman in her early forties who their dad has been sneaking around with. No wonder they're not too happy.
I'd give up trying to be shove myself further into their lives by asking to meet up. What is the point.
Do your own thing, go to your event. Carry on without bowing down to them, but equally don't expect them to suddenly want to know you and be your friend.
And I wouldn't expect your OH to be much use to either you or his old family - he's got himself into a right old stew. So have you tbf!

No 'sides', please, I have genuinely come here looking for advice with no agenda.

If you disagree with me, please tell me openly. I am struggling, and not looking for friends or vindication, so I thank you for all your posts and viewpoints. Please see this post for what it is.

Can I put this further into context? I am literally writing a book btw. I was left by my husband and partner of 18 years, when my daughter was 4 months old. I know how it feels to be left. I know what men do when they lie and cheat. I went through a massive trust exercise with my new partner. Reached a level of understanding about his ex and how their (rather unusual) relationship had run its course. He was lying to her, yes, but 4 months after they had agreed the division of their assets, agreed the contents of the divorce petition, etc, etc. Really, I did NOT end their marriage, nor do I want to put my children through this current situation, for that reason amongst many. Nor did I jump ship, btw, out of frying pan and into fire, I am quite happy on my own and was on a very even keel when I met OH, by chance, strike of lightening kind of thing.

My OH moved in here at the start of lockdown. No 'happy families', home schooling. He wasn't working. I was. The children made him go home at 6pm each day, so he did look after them and stand by them, tried to be the best father he could to them. He and I still had (and still have) frequent hate mails from his wife and children about how he was letting everybody down. We talked, made deals, compromises, to try to keep everyone happy.

I know they're hurt, but I've tried my best and so has he. This situation, this Summer and their demands, feels way too far. I feel I need to stand up for myself and my children, because as many have said, this may never change.

So yes, I understand why they're hurt and angry. FWIW, my ex and his partner live 4 miles away. They had a baby 5 weeks ago. I've met them, at my invitation, sent my best wishes, send my children off to see him with big smiles and go away after all of this to cry in a corner like a wounded dog.

Hurt doesn't equal angry, though the latter can follow. Dignity and respect is what's required.

And I am no expert at that!

Thank you all for your replies. xxx

@lawyerbunny1978

going back to your original point, I still don’t think you should allow yourself to be dictated to about where you go with your own children.
Knowing his wife is 74 does put a whole different light on this. It must have been very frightening to have your husband leave you with a dependent child when you are in your 70s, to face the idea of old age alone, with much less chance of finding a new partner.
Your partner has behaved very badly in all this. I’d be worried that I too have a sell by date.
I think you would be well rid of all of them

So within a few months of meeting you, he moved out of their family home and straight into your home with you and your children who the time were 2 and 5?

And he wasn't working at the time?

Is that all correct?

Thank you @Ted27.

I know how frightening it would be for her. My Mum is 75, has had a chronic condition for 50 years, lives nearby and I help to look after her. She's been on her own for 20 years. My Aunts too live very close to the OH's ex, in their 80s (one a very near neighbour in fact) and are inspirational widows with an independent attitude!

I want her to be in a better place. Her marriage was miserable, she describes it the same. She shared her lunch with me when we met ffs, and offered to meet again, I am not an enemy. I care about flippin everybody, (should probably stop that).

I can assure you, I've been approachable, helpful, offered many things, money included.

Do we all have a sell by date? That's a sad way to think about life.

@lawyerbunny1978

you missed my point - I would be concerned that your partner may think you have a sell by date. He has ditched one wife who is older than him.

OK now you've shared some further details, I see this a little differently.

You said you met your OH when he was already separating.. your recent updates suggest that you were having an affair with him. While you say you didn't end his marriage, you acknowledge, he lied and deceived his wife/children and you were complicit in that. If their marriage was over and they were at the stage of divorce you mention then there was no need to sneak around or lie. It sounds like you are simply using this to justify the lying.

FWIW, to expect children aged 16+ to not have a problem with the lying, cheating etc is rather naïve. It goes a long way to explain his children's behavior / attitude towards you. Recovering from the betrayal all of this implies is a process, and while you may wish for it to occur with dignity and in a civilized way I'm afraid you don't get to decide how others experience their pain. The pain caused by a parent's betrayal & broken trust is visceral. You say you understand but your posts suggest otherwise - like you feel they should ''get over it''.

In regard to the event, your OH's son wants his Dad to himself and that's his right. In the son's view you are the ''cause'' of his pain, now I'm not saying that you are - but it's far easier to project that pain on you than on his Father - who is in fact responsible for the pain he caused his family. It's a free country and you are free to go wherever you please. You don't however have the right to expect his son to be ok with it or berate him for not wanting you there. None of this sounds healthy for any of you.. nor does it seem there is much happiness to be found.

No.

It will take an entire book to explain this, and I understand the question posed has to have a context which takes time to explain, and I apoligise but the explanation will be complicated!

He was living and working in London during the week, when we met. The family home was outside that, by several hours. He would travel down on a Sunday evening and back on a Friday night. That had been the pattern for many years. Daughter lived with him in London. Son in private school but at home with Mum in the evenings.

He and his wife had agreed that they would maintain this for 3 years while son completed his A-levels and went off to University, but that otherwise they had separated and the divorce was a paper exercise.

We met in September 2019. They had agreed to implement their divorce in early 2020, it was agreed years before (2014). Lockdown hit in March and rather than be in London (the epicentre, as it was), he came to my house. They owned a flat which he was doing up and he pretended to be there. They didn't know. I couldn't deal with that. Made him go back. Then the children's demands started. The curfrews. You see?

No, he wasn't working. IT contractor, major projects got canned. Lockdown. We're in the sin bin financially because of that, so I am very clear.

I'm writing a book, I tell you.

Oh yes, I see that and thank you for clarifying and apologise for missing that point.

That has occurred, as perhaps it does to many women? I'm quite at home in myself, though. I am fit and very able and one of a handful of women tbh who can do the hobby we're talking about.