Step children - control in a public forum

[lawyerbunny1978]

I would welcome advice, please. Please read, I'm at the end of my chain.

My OH has a son and daughter. Daughter (H) is 27 and lives in his flat with her friend. Son (T) is 18, about to take his A-levels and lives with ex-wife. I have a 4 and a 7 year old.

My OH and I met 2 1/2 years ago, when he was separating from ex-wife. She's fed all kinds of poison into the well, after she found out about me but that's OT and I am clear that I was nothing to do with their marriage ending.

T and H won't meet me. They have consistently refused to, saying they needed 'time to adjust', then 'we need to build back our relationship with you, Dad, then we'll see', but ignoring me throughout, wanting their 'old Dad' back. They set curfew times for him for 5 months, so he had to be home by 6pm, so he could see me in the day in lockdown, to help with my childcare, but nothing more. Today, they're still 'emotionally unready', so I can't meet them, can't meet his parents etc.

The ex wife has conveyed many messages of 'you're a nobody, you don't exist for us'. I can tune her out, though that's been hurtful, but we're now 2.5 years in and I am in therapy, on anti-depressants, you name it.

My question is around this Summer. Without being specific, we are both into a big hobby scene that involves public events at a big level. Huge investment of time, lots of effort and you're literally on display and people come out to see you. Let's pretend it's top level eventing, Badminton time (it isn't!).

I have enjoyed this hobby for decades, before and after children, well before I met OH. It's obviously become a large part of our social life now, with mutual friends. OH has the kit. T has grown up around it. H isn't interested, but protective of T.

T and ex-wife have, to me, weoponised this hobby, tried to keep me out of what's 'theirs' as they see it. With lockdowns, and few events happening, we've got away with it for 2 years, but the chips are down this year. Last year OH and I felt solid, he was standing up to them and expecting them to join in to our world together, or be adults and opt out with respect for OH and me.

This year, he's doing the opposite. Saying to T he can have his 'exclusive' time with Daddy and asking me to be 'magnanimous' and drop out. I would gladly do that to give them space, believe me. But for T that means me not attending any events at all. I can't be on the same field, or he won't go. I can't go as public, camping miles away and won't see him, if he knows I'm going to be there, as I've done for 15+ years, he won't attend .

By way of example, at the end of May we're due to attend an event. I will help on all the set-up, but am then asked to say away for the next 3 days. I am told that I can't take my kids along for an ice cream for 30 minutes, because if I do, T won't go at all, because of his 'emotions'.

My children have grown up in this world, too. I have many friends that I won't see, if I don't go. I know this isn't right, OH knows it isn't right. I'm faced with turning my back on a hugely important part of my and my children's life, to save a relationship I'm not even sure is worth it, if I'm treated like this.

Any advice and comment appreciated, I really am at the end of my chain.

We met in September 2019. They had agreed to implement their divorce in early 2020, it was agreed years before (2014). Lockdown hit in March and rather than be in London (the epicentre, as it was), he came to my house. They owned a flat which he was doing up and he pretended to be there. They didn't know. I couldn't deal with that. Made him go back. Then the children's demands started. The curfrews. You see?

It's not a complicated story really, just a sad one.

You moved a man in with your 2 and 5 year old five months after you met him.

Unreal.

My OH moved in here at the start of lockdown. No 'happy families', home schooling. He wasn't working. I was. The children made him go home at 6pm each day

He couldn’t have ‘moved in’ with you if he was going home at 6pm each day.

Without being too harsh - you were the OW. He absolutely lied to you, his wife and kids.
You allowed him to meet your children very soon and started an intense relationship just at the world was going through a pandemic (the worst time to start a relationship and introduce someone to your DC).

You did all this because you were sad and jealous about your ex and you just wanted to quickly play happy families to prove a point to your ex or yourself.

Now the pandemic is over and things are getting back to normal - you are starting to realise that this relationship isn’t normal.

You’re in therapy, on anti-depressants, are treated like shit but you won’t leave because that will prove you moved way too quickly and everyone who told you it was too soon for him to meet your DCs or that you were the OW person would be proved correct.

Stop being a martyr. Whats done is done.
You thought this relationship would work but it doesn’t.
Dont care what the ex or family or friends will think and ask him to move back into the flat with his DD.

You can then do couples therapy or whatever you want to see if it can work in the future but right now you need to put your DCs and yourself first.
And ofcourse go to the event.

I'm really sorry but I don't agree with this.

Nobody has a 'right' to a relationship.

I agree that I get the bad stuff projected on to me. I have broad shoulders.

I do not expect anything from them.

But they ask me to change what I do, around them, because they can't accept me being at a pubic event. That's my question. Is that Ok?

Nobody has a 'right' to a relationship.

Your young kids had the 'right' for you to not move in a bloke you had known for five months.

I can't believe you did that.

Nobody has a 'right' to a relationship.

Kids do have a right to a relationship with their parents. Preferably a healthy one.

That said, this relationship doesn't seem to work for you or his kids so it's really not worth all the angst, is it?

I hope I've been fair and understanding of all the comments on this post.

People don't have 'rights' to relationships.

My children might fairly complain that they had a 'right' to not have their biological Dad move out, when my youngest was 4 months old. Rights can create an unhelpful frame.

In lockdown, he lived with me for 5 weeks. The country was on a war footing. We were in survival mode and I applaud everyone for making their way through that.

I am not seeking to rehearse past decisions, though you are free of course to criticise mine (and accept that, after all, this is the internet (!))

I am asking for advice, please.

Sorry but this relationship is going nowhere. Don't invest any more time or energy in it.

He is a coward and his wife still has him wrapped around her little finger.

It's making you ill. You're in counselling and on medication.

Please put your children (and yourself) first and ask him to leave.

Kids have a right to a relationship with their parents? Not on any terms, though.

I'm speaking as a mother with an ex husband from hell. I am kind and careful, make sure they go to see him happy and excited, every week, because I promote that relationship regardless of my feelings.

They have a right to A relationship, but surely not to dictate the terms? To control where I go, where my children go? Surely that's too far?

Surely that's too far?

Yes it is.

In lockdown, he lived with me for 5 weeks.

And with your kids.

The country was on a war footing. We were in survival mode and I applaud everyone for making their way through that.

Yes it was an incredibly stressful time. So in such a confusing and overwhelming time for everyone, including children, moving a near stranger in with them was an especially irresponsible and unfair thing to do, even more so than it would have been in 'usual' times. Hopefully on reflection you can see that?

It was incredibly stressful. I hope you and yours were OK?

We did the best we could, at the time. He'd met my children before lockdown, so wasn't a stranger, and my children love him to bits. It fitted together very well.

I do, and did, reflect a lot. I don't feel I've been irresponsible, or unfair, but I can see why you may think that.

As I say, I will entirely accept criticism but ask for advice.

You keep mentioning you're literally writing a book. Are you? Is this LITERALLY a book plot and all made up? Your writing is very dramatic. Or is it real and you just thrive on the drama?

And people keep giving you advice but you bat it off and say you're looking for advice.

We did the best we could, at the time. He'd met my children before lockdown, so wasn't a stranger, and my children love him to bits. It fitted together very well.

So he met them and moved in within five months. That's no better, no.

I'm staggered you don't even on reflection see how irresponsible that decision was.

Maybe focus on getting yourself (and your kids) out of this toxic dynamic that is making you unwell and then on the book you keep saying you're writing.

You don't want advice. Most people's advice has been to end the relationship. But you seem keen to keep defending it / continuing it...

You seem to be in love with this man. I can understand that your relationship developed during strange times, so I'm putting that to one side. Your relationship now is not equal. Your partner is allowing himself to be blackmailed. And worse, is making you (and your children) the proxy.
If you think this ludicrous situation is worth it for you, then consider if it is worth your children growing up as second class citizens. They may love him but they will be internalising this treatment of them - and as they get older it will be harder to justify or to hide.

Its a real quagmire. I think people berating you fir various errors need to accept thats water under the bridge.
Moving forward, you go to the event, you participate, you take your DC
Your partner can ho with his son, if it makes one, or the other or both of them uncomfortable, they can either not go, or leave or accept that you exist, & wont be told by them where you go or what you do.
Your relationship may not survive it, as you partner with golden balls is feeling deserved guilt. He also can choose to either be manipulated by his 1st family, or tell them you are entitled to continue this sport that you have participated for decades, it has no bearing on them.
Time to accept, or not, that Daddy is a lying, cheating fucker, and move on.
or not.

My advice is to simplify your life.

do what you like doing with people that make you happy. Cut out all the other stuff, especially your boyfriend. You got off on a bad foot. Do your sport this summer.
Enjoy your life. Good luck.

My children might fairly complain that they had a 'right' to not have their biological Dad move out, when my youngest was 4 months old.

You’re obviously not over your ex leaving.

Obviously it was very wrong of you to allow your DCs to meet a man you’d only just started a relationship with and letting him move in was dreadful.
I managed not to move anyone in during the pandemic so I can’t see why you had to.

The more you post the more I can see why his DCs don’t like you.
Their dad was cheating on their mum with you and then left her for you.

But his children are irrelevant right now.
This isn’t a happy relationship.
Why are you with him?
Are you only with him to prove a point to the ex?

No one would be in therapy or on antidepressants over a relationship if it was healthy.

Get your life back on track.
Put your DCs first.
And go to as many events as you want to.

You do you. Go to the event with your DC as a single entity. Your OH can do what he likes with his adult DC. If they decide not to interact or not to come it's on them. Your OH has the relationships with each of you to manage as well or poorly as he likes and your response to this is up to you.

Thank you for the advice, genuinely, buy "the more you post, the more I can see why they don't like you" feels unfair.

They've never said unkind things about me. They won't meet me, though we did meet early on, incidentally.

I am venting my spleen here, admittedly, having reached the end of my chain. Cut me some slack, please x

@lawyerbunny1978 Fwiw, I think some posters have treated you somewhat unfairly on this thread by focusing on their perception that you were the OW and therefore you deserve everything you get and ignoring the subsequent behaviour of your DP and his DC.

If your DP is not prepared to back you up then that should be an end to the relationship. If his adult Dc are unable to be in the same field (ffs!) as you after 2.5 years then they will never accept you and you need to cut your losses and move on.

You think I'm making this up?

I could continue. I've not explained about my ex husband pursuing me through the Courts over the last 4 years for money and time with the children. How I left home and virtually lived on the streets at 16 after my own parents split up.

Damn straight I'm writing a book, to help other women find their way through what, to me, has been very difficult. Passing on my experience and learning on the way.

I have listened and thank you all for your advice. xx

Thank you. xx

I knew I'd get it in the neck as OW. I wasn't, but accept I'm tarred with that brush.

All very mixed up. I'm a peace keeper (I do it for a job) and know when it's best to keep away.

My question was around the behaviour of others, and how I should respond in the right way. Of course my morality and honesty would be taken apart, it's the internet after all.

My question was around the behaviour of others, and how I should respond in the right way. Of course my morality and honesty would be taken apart, it's the internet after all.

As every poster has said you need to go to the event with your DC like your normally do.

Your DP can go with his DCs if they choose to still go.

OP you have an incredibly unique communication style.

I am intrigued when you say your career is as a peace keeper - I assume you mean conflict resolution? Could you expand on this please?

To keep to the intended question: no, it is not okay or normal or reasonable or tolerable to be telling a person that they can’t attend a public event. It’s odd. Defo unreasonable.

Quite how you explain, gently and non-confrontationally, to your DP that you and your DCs will not be staying away, I don’t know.