I would welcome advice, please. Please read, I'm at the end of my chain.
My OH has a son and daughter. Daughter (H) is 27 and lives in his flat with her friend. Son (T) is 18, about to take his A-levels and lives with ex-wife. I have a 4 and a 7 year old.
My OH and I met 2 1/2 years ago, when he was separating from ex-wife. She's fed all kinds of poison into the well, after she found out about me but that's OT and I am clear that I was nothing to do with their marriage ending.
T and H won't meet me. They have consistently refused to, saying they needed 'time to adjust', then 'we need to build back our relationship with you, Dad, then we'll see', but ignoring me throughout, wanting their 'old Dad' back. They set curfew times for him for 5 months, so he had to be home by 6pm, so he could see me in the day in lockdown, to help with my childcare, but nothing more. Today, they're still 'emotionally unready', so I can't meet them, can't meet his parents etc.
The ex wife has conveyed many messages of 'you're a nobody, you don't exist for us'. I can tune her out, though that's been hurtful, but we're now 2.5 years in and I am in therapy, on anti-depressants, you name it.
My question is around this Summer. Without being specific, we are both into a big hobby scene that involves public events at a big level. Huge investment of time, lots of effort and you're literally on display and people come out to see you. Let's pretend it's top level eventing, Badminton time (it isn't!).
I have enjoyed this hobby for decades, before and after children, well before I met OH. It's obviously become a large part of our social life now, with mutual friends. OH has the kit. T has grown up around it. H isn't interested, but protective of T.
T and ex-wife have, to me, weoponised this hobby, tried to keep me out of what's 'theirs' as they see it. With lockdowns, and few events happening, we've got away with it for 2 years, but the chips are down this year. Last year OH and I felt solid, he was standing up to them and expecting them to join in to our world together, or be adults and opt out with respect for OH and me.
This year, he's doing the opposite. Saying to T he can have his 'exclusive' time with Daddy and asking me to be 'magnanimous' and drop out. I would gladly do that to give them space, believe me. But for T that means me not attending any events at all. I can't be on the same field, or he won't go. I can't go as public, camping miles away and won't see him, if he knows I'm going to be there, as I've done for 15+ years, he won't attend .
By way of example, at the end of May we're due to attend an event. I will help on all the set-up, but am then asked to say away for the next 3 days. I am told that I can't take my kids along for an ice cream for 30 minutes, because if I do, T won't go at all, because of his 'emotions'.
My children have grown up in this world, too. I have many friends that I won't see, if I don't go. I know this isn't right, OH knows it isn't right. I'm faced with turning my back on a hugely important part of my and my children's life, to save a relationship I'm not even sure is worth it, if I'm treated like this.
Any advice and comment appreciated, I really am at the end of my chain.