HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

[LovelaceBiggWither]

It's not that simple. What job does he have? Is it on the list of eligible professions? He won't get a visa if it isn't. You can't just decide to move to Australia and get on a plane.

[MissusMaisel]

He doesn't love you and your son very much at all if he would leave you to live in the other side of the world, for no particular reason.

I'd divorce him now if I were you.

[muppamup]

agree with PP, he can't care much about you if he makes this decision without consulting and taking your opinion into account. Is it worth staying together with him based on this disrespect?

[PragmaticWench]

Will his blackmail work, will you go with him?

[nearlyspringyay]

I'd be getting out now. What's with the 5 year thing?

[Triffid1]

Well if this is a dealbreaker for him - move to Australia or end the relationship - then you need to decide if you want to move to Australia or end the relationship. I think it's pretty mean of him to decide this now (unless he's been saying it for years and you've just been ignoring it).

But don't wait 5 years to end the relationship if you don't want to move. End it now and send him on his way. Because otherwise you're spending the next 5 years on tenterhooks plus you're setting you and your DS up for heartbreak. Clean break now.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Why would you stay with him when he's told you that he's leaving you? I'd start divorce proceedings.

[newbiename]

Does he know how difficult it is ? You can't just go. Why five years ?
He sounds like a selfish twat.

[LovelaceBiggWither]

FFS he cannot just move to Australia to live without a visa. Have a look at the immigration requirements because chances are he's not coming here to live. If he is, then you have some thinking to do and if he isn't then you have a different lot of thinking to do.

[LovelaceBiggWither]

www.sableinternational.com/immigration/australian-visas has a visa eligibility assessment.

[Lillygolightly]

To be honest if I was in your position, I’d tell him to go now (if you really don’t want to go) as it will be so much easier on your child with the age they are at now. A 6 year old on the other hand is not going to understand being abandoned for a so called lifestyle in another country!

[littlegreenheart]

Well, ideally you'd decide together.

Does he want to go permanently, or just for a few years?

Has he visited Australia?

It sounds like if you don't go with him, he's assuming your son will stay with you - or is that still to be decided? How will he do his half of the parenting from halfway around the world (or you your half, if your son goes)? Does he propose to divorce if you don't go, or just to have a super-long-distance relationship?

[Retrievemysanity]

What’s happening in 5 years time that means it’s a good time for him to go then? Is this likely to happen or is it just something he says? If you have a 1 year old it would make more sense to go now surely, rather than after he’s started school anyway. If you really don’t want to go and he does there’s not much you can do about it so not sure what advice you are going to get that can help. If he’s serious, then I’d be looking at going my separate ways now so your son gets used to not having his dad around all the time and you get a chance to move on.

[isthismylifenow]

Has he even been to Australia?

Does he realise the cost of living?

How does the 5 year idea fit in?

[SillySausage01]

Wow thank you for your replies. This is my first post here so the quick response has come as a shock, but a grateful one.

He has a NZ passport which he believes makes things easier??

It's so strange. He says this heartbreaking thing but then also that he loves us so much and wants to look after us. He says he has the deep desire to live there (we have been there on a holiday and it was fantastic) and truly hopes we will go. I guess he thinks he will be miserable if he stays here.

I think about it everyday and it's really upsetting.I can't convince him to stay.

He needs another 5 years to build up his career.

[LoveSpringDaffs]

'He loves our little unit'

Really you need to wake up!

HE might love you both, but not enough to make decisions together. He plans on going with, or, without you.

He Is determined to put what HE wants first. His time to have done that was before you got married and definitely before you had a child together.

Do not be guilted into taking DS there or you could find yourself trapped there forever.

The other side of the world to all your family. In a country you may/may not like.

i know it's really hard not to just hold tight & hope for the best (he'll change his mind), but he's telling you now that you are NOT a solid unit, that he'll put himself first & fuck you & DS. Do you really want to spend your life with him? He's the kind of bloke that if you (or DS) had a illness/accident he'd be off, you couldn't rely on him to have your back.

Set the total bastard free now & start rebuilding a better life for you & DS.

I didn't get to mid 50's without scars, I can only hope to help others make some better decisions in life!

[weneedtotalkaboutezra]

Bye then. What a weirdo. Find a new man.

[IncompleteSenten]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Don't do it. The fact he's going with or with out you is a massive red flag.

You will have nobody. Absolutely nobody but him. That's a really lonely thing.

What if he splits with you when you're there and you can't come home with the kids?

I do know someone who did this, moved to the other side of the world. Their partner became a completely different person. It's not my story to tell so I won't describe what was done to the person I know but it is so horrific that it has made me completely change my view on uprooting yourself to follow a partner to a far off country because they're really determined to do it.

[GlasswareisOverated]

Do not go. If you were to divorce you would not be able to return to the UK with your child, unless you had his written permission or a costly court battle, that if you proceeded with, could still lead to you not being able to come back to the UK with your child.
He's being totally unreasonable and slightly insane I would say.

[SillySausage01]

He assumes our son would stay with me. I don't think he has concerned the support arrangements. I cannot wrap my head around how he could leave our son.

He says if I don't go we simply want different things and he is not willing to live his 1 life in the UK. So am I being unreasonable by being resistant, or would you feel the same if your arm was being twisted by him saying its all or nothing...

[MsMarch]

DH and I are both from another country. When I moved here, I did so intending to spend a few years having fun, travelling around Europe, getting some work experience etc. DH on the other hand moved here with no intention of ever going back. After we'd been dating for a while and it was starting to get serious, he made it clear to me that much as he loved me and hoped to have a future with me, he had absolutely no intention of ever returning "home" and that if that wasn't okay for me, we should break up then.

I put a LOT of thought into it before I made the decision that being with him was something I wanted MORE than I wanted to go back.

My best friend on the other hand made a different decision and returned home, without her long-term boyfriend, when he made it clear he was not willing to go with her. Another friend is now stuck in a country she doesn't want to live in because her husband told her he would move to our country.... and has subsequently changed his mind.

Your DH is being dreadfully unfair springing this on you now. But if it is something he feels that strongly about and you don't want to move, then I would be seriously considering ending things now rather than dragging out the pain for the next 5 years. I'd also be concerned that if you stay with him hoping he changes his mind, he might.... but will likely resent you for it. Key to the decision I made was that it WAS my decision. I have never resented DH for it because he was honest and upfront early on.

[Aposterhasnoname]

So he’s going to wait until your son is six years old, just at the age where they hero worship their fathers, and then fuck off to the other side of the world?

What A Cunt. And you can tell him I said that.

[isthismylifenow]

@SillySausage01

He assumes our son would stay with me. I don't think he has concerned the support arrangements. I cannot wrap my head around how he could leave our son.

He says if I don't go we simply want different things and he is not willing to live his 1 life in the UK. So am I being unreasonable by being resistant, or would you feel the same if your arm was being twisted by him saying its all or nothing...

No! You are 100% correct in your thoughts.

So he is going whether you want to or not. He's willing to leave his wife and child to do it. It sounds like a threat which I do not like one bit.

You want different things, so suggest you end it now so that you can carry on with your life.

[LovelaceBiggWither]

OK so he is a NZ citizen which changes things. Kiwis are eligible to move to Australia with a special visa. It's not a pathway to permanent residency, you can access medicare but not the NDIS and your access to welfare is very limited. Uni student loans could be very difficult for your kid to access. I'm not even sure you are able to emigrate with him automatically.

I think he's dreaming. It's not a simple process and the thought of living here with almost no safety nets and a complicated expensive pathway to permanent residency is scary

[SillySausage01]

Thanks for your honest truths.

Over the last few days I've been worrying about if we had a problem (me or LO) over there whether he would stop his things and help us. He knows he is being selfish but I don't think he believes he's being unreasonable. If anything he thinks I. unreasonable as we've lived in my home town for the past 6 years and he now wants to go somewhere of his choosing.

I think he will be genuinely devasted if I say I'm not going and therefore we are to split. We had a major hiccup last year where we nearly split and he was completely distraught - hence why I find his cut throat way about moving away so hard to grasp? He is just totally insane 🤔