HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

I think you need to have a really honest conversation with him if this is something you never consider then you need to tell him straight and he needs to be fair with you and tell you if your relationship is worth living that dream aside if it isn't then you're better off making a clean break while your baby is young and you can both start afresh.

I'm willing to bet he has a new girlfriend and then wife within a year of getting out there if you don't go with him. He sounds like a very selfish person If he could make such a huge decision with such gigantic ramifications

and I doubt he will change much.

You really need to look into the immigration aspects and understand the law relating to children and what happens if you went and then wanted to come back without him but he didn’t want his son to leave (I believe the answer to this is you’re stuck there).

He’s using emotional blackmail to try to bully you into moving to Australia OP. He expects you to go with him.

If he really loves a country/lifestyle more than his wife and baby son, then I suggest a first step is he goes to a counsellor to see if he’s having a mental health breakdown. I kind of hope he is, because it’s easier to understand that, than that anyone could be so cold-hearted.

If he isn’t temporarily mad, and really means this, then start planning how you would survive financially etc if the marriage ends. Personally I would ask him to leave the family home and not come back unless he is ready to commit to a lifetime with us without emotional blackmail type requests.

Please don’t even consider moving with him. Once there, you would have no legal right to bring the child back to UK, so you’d be trapped there if you change your mind.

He shouldn’t have married you and had a child with you if this is really how he feels. ☹️

Ps my DH would quite like to move to Australia (I vetoed it), and my mum and DH’s dad nearly went at various times. It’s something many people consider at some point. Most of us play with the idea then move on.

I’m sorry but if you don’t want to go I would get out now and get settled before he goes.

Your son is 1 and he's been saying it a year? So around your sons birth he declared in 5 years I'm leaving and if you don't come we'll, that's a shame?

I'd be dumping him now. Why waste five years with someone who doesn't see their future with you unless you do what he tells you? Why have Daddy there every day and then when DS is odle enough to understand, let him just disappear in a plane?

In five years you could have met someone else and have a secure family unit (even if you don't meet someone), so that when his Dad abandons him it isn't his ENTIRE universe that's ripped away. He still has his life with you and possibly Step Dad

OP this happened to me after 10+ years together but I was not given 5 years to decide, I was given 6 months...I had much closer relationships with family and friends here and made the decision to split. I honestly think he thought I would drop everything and go but his dream was not my dream!

I believe in compromise in a relationship but this is asking too much for you to leave the security of your relationships with family and friends and life you have built here if it is not what you truly want.

As everyone has said, don't even consider this if your relationship isn't rock solid. You could find yourself as a single mother living in poverty in a country where you have no family support, where it is difficult for you to find work and where you can't access the same healthcare/benefits as you could in this country. And where your husband could stop you coming home by refusing permission for your child to leave. The risks are just too great.

It is difficult as you do both seem to have different needs and wants. I imagine he feels you are not willing to support him and feels pressured into saying he will try alone. It is a shame if this is otherwise a very healthy relationship. If it is then try not to get entrenched in positions and keep communication open.

Just pack your bags and go live life to the fullest In a better part of the world!

This makes me so sad that a man has fathered a child he's already ok with abandoning 😥. I couldn't get past that and like others have said, I'd be ending the marriage now for the sake of my child. You can be all your son needs in life but you also have plenty of time to find a good man who wouldn't subject you both to this shithousery behaviour. He doesn't deserve either of you OP. I'm angry on behalf of someone I haven't met. If a friend of mine was in this situation I'd be telling her man what a massive, selfish c**t he is x

Don't go with him. Don't even consider moving abroad with a toddler where the only other adult you will know is someone who has shown ZERO respect for you.

The moment he said he was going with or without you - that would have been it, for me. If his attachment to his wife and infant son is so weak, then let him fuck off with his bucket and spade, and good riddance.

I thought you needed a job or money to move there even with a NZ passport? Why five years? I couldn't get past that he would leave his child because he only has one life!

As we all know being on holiday is very different to living somewhere!

If he is going to fuck off and leave his son when he's six, then he doesn't get to see him now, when he's one, or have any relationship with him, and he can fuck right off now.

I understand, OP. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship, and this is probably a bit how it seems at the moment.

We moved from Australia to Europe with 2 small children. This has worked well for us for the following reasons. 1) we agreed to revisit after 6 months of living in Europe. 2) we both wanted to give it a good go. We both knew it was a risk and we worked together with complete openness about how we were feeling about it. We each have our dreams of what we want to do, and although not everything we want to do is achievable, we try to come up with good, practical solutions and alternatives.

He has given you an ultimatum, which could breed resentment and contempt, but he has also been open with you about his dream. If you are unwilling, then he has, at least, given you time to figure out what you want to do. A lot can happen in 5 years. He might want to compromise and have a working holiday for a year or something. You could try it before your DC becomes old enough for school. This is not to say yes, you must capitulate but rather a gentle reminder that there my be an alternative to just up and moving permanently

Err well I don't think you'd be able to go with him anyway. My understanding is NZ passport holders can get a special visa which is a temporary visa, and that to be able to sponsor a relative ie you and your son he would need residency, for which he needs to have lived there for 2 years (you'd have to check this though).

It definitely isn't just a case of turning up and cracking on for NZ now, things got tightened up a few years ago.

My dad used to say this. He is now a lonely old man living in the UK.

Only you know how he treats you but I would never be able to plan a life without my child or partner.

You either move or you don't really. The concern is the way it's been raised, not that it is raised.

Australian laws to do with child residency are sexist complex. You normally can't leave the country permanently with a child if the father remains in Oz. Which is another thing for OP to think about.

Major hiccup? Has he been shagging around?

Is he already half way out the door? Is he testing your boundaries? I wonder if this is a control thing.

Well - he is being unacceptably dogmatic. Such a big decision needs to be a shared one, and one that recognises that holding a different point of view is not being "resistant."

Time to say to him: I really do not feel that Australia is where my future lies. If that is what you want, and you want it strongly enough to leave me and your son, then it would be best if we parted now. Can we set about doing this amicably please?

Or you can talk about some sort of compromise - I am not sure quite what.

However, I think that I would feel unwilling to compromise with someone who clearly has so little regard for you and your son that he is willing to walk away from you both.

I was in a similar situation with my OH, who wanted desperately to live in France. I think that behind this lay the fact that he was unhappy with his job and was grasping at straws to just get out - and we had had lots of holidays there and he was under the impression that living there all the time would be like being on holiday - I was a bit more realistic! Deep down I felt it was not for me - our family were here - 3 lovely DDs and GC arriving. I wanted to be around to help if needed and to watch them all grow and develop. We had got as far as making an offer on a house in Brittany when I really just felt I could not continue with this any longer and told him so. He was very angry and we went through a rocky patch thereafter - but the idea that he would go off on his own was simply not on the agenda. It did not occur to him to even think of doing that - not for a moment.

In the end I was glad that I had put my foot down over it, as, not long after, he developed Parkinsons Disease, and the presence of family was very precious to us both in the few years he had left to him.

I think in your situation I would be guided by the fact that he could even consider leaving you both - it would put it in perspective for me. And not a very happy perspective to be honest. At least that was not on my OH's agenda - not even for a fleeting moment. We were a team - one that was a bit at odds for a while - but one that was solid.

Don't go, he does not have you and your child front and centre of his plans.
I doubt he will find it as easy as he thinks to leave his child. If he does, you are better off without him.

To get it out of the way, if my husband told me that he was going to Australia with or without me and our young child, then it would be the end. Your husband doesn’t love you and he doesn’t love your family unit and he won’t be devastated because he wouldn’t do it if those things were true.

Anyway I just wanted to comment on the visa situation, I used to be very well versed on all things Australian visa as I moved over and subsequently got citizenship 13 years ago. But I might not be totally up to date.

So he can go and live in Australia indefinitely, albeit as a “temporary” resident. The temporary doesn’t mean his stay is temporary, it means he can’t access certain things and it means he cannot progress to Australian citizenship. (There is an exception for NZ citizens that were living in Australia on a particular date).

You could get a visa as a spouse of a NZ citizen, this would also be temporary, I think you would need to renew it every five years but it would depend upon your ongoing relationship, well sort of, I think if you split you can keep it but not if you start a new relationship. Then your son, would he be able to get NZ citizenship by descent? If not he would get the same visa as you, but as a temporary resident you would need to look at impacts on access to education and student loans etc. Personally I wouldn’t really want to move to Australia on these visas even if I was generally happy to move to Australia.

Wow thanks so much everyone I am completely blown away by your responses. Thanks so much for the compassion and kind words.

To give you more context, we went to Oz in 2018 where he decided he would quit his job (this was the reason we moved back to my home area, not instigated by me at all I was quite happy continuing 150+ miles where we were at the time), although very settled now. So we agreed he would quit a few months after getting back as we had just bought a house and both not long out of uni so had low earning at this point. He quit and I supported him financially until end of 2020. I have a good job and pay all bills for our home and sons nursery (yes it's tough, I'm very lucky to have this job).

Just before son was born in 2020 husband got a training job in a city 3 hours away. He went up on his own initially as I was heavily pregnant. I said I'd stay here for first 9 months to let my husband settle in and me enjoy baby in our home with family support. Husband insisted we move after 4 months, I agreed, it was a nightmare and I ended up spending my entire mat leave going back and forth from parents (as we had rented our house out) and where husband was. Anyway it was so bad (he was just basically a nightmare, trust me when I say this), that we agreed I'd move back into our home and he is now commuting home at weekends. So he is understandly making a lot of effort to come home at the weekend.

He has enough money to pay his expenses in his place where he lives, I pay for everything here. This has become normal to me and I didn't mind supporting him whilst he studied 2018-2020 as I could see it was leading to something, however I didn't expect him to do further training on such a low income.

He wants us to sell up and move when he finishes the training in a year and a half and we all move to his next destination (wherever his next Job in the UK is), I've said I'll do this but even this worries me.

I sound extremely negative but me and my husband do enjoy each others company. We have been together for such a long time, all through our twenties and had many fantastic experiences together. I am just struggling so much that he won't even compromise to stay somewhere if his choosing in the UK.

I really do wonder if he has some sort of emotional dysfunction? Does this sound like it to anyone?

Sorry just to address him blocking me taking our son back to the UK I honestly don't think I'd have have worry about this, he would not be able to cope looking after him. Of course, by age 6 he will be much more independent so my husband may feel more capable by then.

I do tend to be very trusting and see the good in everyone so maybe I should be more concerned about this.

One of the considerations is that cost of living in Australia is high, if you move out you need to know you will have the finances to be able to move back if you don't like it and to be able to visit family. Otherwise you could find yourself stuck.

You don't have to move anywhere you don't want to.

I'd dump him now and save yourself years of pain.