HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

@Swayingpalmtrees Okay yes I understand. My dad thinks the same as you but other people who know him and know what's going on can't see it. I personally can't either. I think he has always been tied to his phone but it seems worse now. I mean you never know he could be. I guess there's no way of me finding out.

Interesting about them having a plan B. He does not plan to stay where he is past the end of his training so I wonder if he would see any point in starting a relationship with anyone. Maybe he would have a fling but then again he is not (or was not) like that. He's only had 1 gf before me and never given me reason to worry about cheating

Call his bluff . He's blackmailing you .

Why does your father think he is cheating?
If he has only had one girlfriend before you, I would find that slightly strange, could he be gay?

Some people are saying you would get NZ citizenship because you are married to somebody with a NZ passport. You would not get citizenship or at least not for years. You would get a visa with a right to live in the country but I don't think that that's enough to get you into Australia.

To be eligible for the grant of New Zealand citizenship a person normally must:
• have held a New Zealand resident visa and lived in New Zealand for a total of at least 1,350 days during the five years immediately before making their citizenship application; and
• have lived in New Zealand for a total of at least 240 days in each year of the five years immediately preceding the date of their application.

I think the question about whether you should go with him is entirely academic given these requirements. I suppose there might be special categories and so on but these are certainly the basic requirements. I am assuming here that you are not a paediatric cardiologist and I think even that might get you residence initially rather than citizenship.

I am a New Zealander and I live here. Some people like the lifestyle and others don't. The thing is that it's not just like England but warmer. This is a big surprise for some people. Yes, it's less crowded and you can get a GP's appointment often on the day you ring up (but you pay), and the commuting is generally shorter. It is not cheap though - the days when you could sell a bedraggled semi in the UK and buy some mini mansion in New Zealand (or Australia) are long gone. Houses are very expensive in both NZ and Australia. Food is very expensive too. It can be difficult to break into established friendship circles.

Australia is very hot in places but bear in mind you can have too much of a good thing. It might be fine on holiday but imagine working in that heat. Of course there is air conditioning but that takes money to run. There are bushfires and so on. If you are light skinned your child will have to be covered in sunblock from their hairline down on even overcast days in summer because you can burn in that weather. It's not just the risk of a burn but the very real risk of melanomas. In Australia about 1,300 people die of melanoma every year and given NZ's smaller population over 350 people. Of course, NZ has the earthquakes but Australia has more droughts.

It is a cliché about women coming here and then being trapped with their children. You shouldn't assume either that these fathers who are so keen to stop their wives going back to their family support system elsewhere are actually ever taking care of the children or even paying for them. I had a colleague this happened to when it had been agreed that they'd eventually go back to her country in which they met because she would have family help with the children. They got here, had two children, she discovered he had no intention of moving back and the relationship broke up. She was left looking after the children with no family support. It is very difficult to persuade the family court that you should be able to leave with the children.

I personally think you have to be a certain kind of person and preferably with a good strong marriage to make a success of a big shift and you both have to want it. It is totally unreasonable to suddenly raise it after you have married somebody and particularly after you've had a child. He didn't raise it before because you wouldn't have married him or had a child. I think your husband is a despicable human being and in your circumstances I wouldn't move suburbs for him. My mum wanted to immigrate to New Zealand and she said she married my dad because he was up for immigrating but at least she was honest about what her plans were. (Just to be sure, she only married him when they arrived here!)

He is utterly utterly horrible OP. Pull the plug now. Live your life free of his endless demands.

I think he's planning on going anyway OP- he's just trying to make you look like the bad guy for not being 100% into it sadly I think you should say that he should go and see what he thinks for 6 months - I have a horrible feeling that after 2 months you will rarely hear from him and he will move on which to be honest will tell you all you need to know.

I'm so sorry. He is a dick and you are far, far too good for him.

His behaviour has infidelity written all over it. Look up 'the script' and see how many you can identify.

He is horrible and I hope he does get a visa because you and ds are much better off without him.

I would cut all financial ties with him right now and I would go for as much child-support as possible. Basically he's going to use you financially and then bugger off to Australia.

He's a selfish leech that has lived off you for years.

You will be fine and so will your son.

Sort out your finances and end any support now.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. My father lived abroad as a young man but met my mother on a trip home. He'd always intended to emigrate again and that was part of his plan when marrying my mother. She knew this and agreed and they married but she's manipulative (lifelong pattern) and reneged when I was on the way. Anyway it was a toxic marriage with both parties wrestling for control and unwilling to divorce. Then 15 years ago he inherited money and decided to emigrate to Australia where my sister lives. Mum didn't want to go but she is not very independent and effectively needs care, so she went. It's an almighty mess over there - she's become alcoholic and neither party is functioning. They've made no friends and my mother has become reclusive. He hates it too - hates living with my mother, the cost of living annoys him, the suburb they live in is boring and on and on. I've no contact with them at all now - they became increasingly abusive to me and my family even on short visits home.

This man is not caring towards you and your lovely ds. He seems very selfish and whether he was going to Australia or not, I think I'd break up with him. Some people just crash around bringing chaos and acting selfishly. You don't have to be a part of the chaos and, as I've found personally, being a child of a marriage like this takes a long time from which to recover.

I wish you and ds all the best.

The strongest of relationships are tested with a big move like this, and that is even if you are both wanting to do it. It takes a good two years to fully settle in a new country, and there will be many challenges to face along the way.
I think your recent episode with the truck tells you all you need to know. He simply won’t be there for you, as even if you arrived and embraced all that Aus has to offer from day one, you will still experience days of home sickness, missing friends and family and will need to lean on him. I don’t think he is capable of being there for you.