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Original poster

HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

461 replies

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 13:35

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

OP posts:
IlCommissarioMontalbano · 27/04/2022 15:48

I think you should give it a go. What is the main reason why you're not open to the idea? I don't think he is unreasonable to want to live and work in Australia if it's his dream. Maybe say you'll give it 3-5 years there and if it's not working then come back to the UK. It is indeed a very difficult situation if one person in the relationship wants to live abroad and the other does not.

Whatever00 · 27/04/2022 15:49

He cares more about his needs and wants than he cares about yours or your child's. He is a selfish person. I wouldn't move. I would ket him go now. He isn't a partner.

Getupoffthesofa · 27/04/2022 15:49

he is being totally unreasonable.
your back story is shocking - he is a
childish user
you have already considered splitting up (why?)
I think you would benefit from counselling - an outsider helping you gain perspective on this situation. You are so far in you can’t see the obvious.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 27/04/2022 15:50

It's unreasonable for this to be held over your head for 5 years. It's unreasonable also for you not to tell him it's a flat no from you.
I think you should research the idea really thoroughly yourself. Would you be able to go? Work? Access healthcare and education? Build up state pension? If we're you, I would find out the true position. And then tell him, backed with facts and figures.
My dh was offered contracts abroad when ours were little. But I was absolutely clear that I was not trailing small children to volatile parts of the world. So it was a no. He saw colleagues do this and saw exactly the impact it had in their marriages.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/04/2022 15:51

IlCommissarioMontalbano · 27/04/2022 15:48

I think you should give it a go. What is the main reason why you're not open to the idea? I don't think he is unreasonable to want to live and work in Australia if it's his dream. Maybe say you'll give it 3-5 years there and if it's not working then come back to the UK. It is indeed a very difficult situation if one person in the relationship wants to live abroad and the other does not.

But once there, he can block her coming back to the UK with their son. That's not a risk I would take on someone who said well I'll be going whether you join me or not.

IlCommissarioMontalbano · 27/04/2022 15:51

Hillary17 · 27/04/2022 15:39

As a wife who had something similar a few years ago, this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or your son. Sometimes people just need more or an adventure. My husband had the same desire and wasn’t fulfilled here. We packed up and left for two years, had an amazing time and got it out of his system. Now we’re back in the UK - but honestly planning on leaving again in the next 3/4 years. It really sparked an adventurous side to me I didn’t realise was there, made amazing friends, propelled my career etc. if you have nothing stopping you, I’d go!

This ^

Drinkingallthewine · 27/04/2022 15:51

Honestly be very very careful. My DS moved to that part of the world, husband a high-flyer city type. They had all the agreements in place between them that she would have freedom of movement to come home with the DC anytime she wanted. It mattered fuck all once they hit divorce stage. She dared to leave him and he's been punishing her through the kids ever since. One of the kids wasn't even born there, and no longer even sees his dad but he won't let her take any of them out of the country for a holiday. No reason other than to fuck with her.

The facts are - he's going with or without you both. You also have a rocky relationship and almost split recently. I would not be making any firm commitments to this plan until closer to the 5 year mark when he wants to go (and when he's used up you funding his advancement and no longer needs you or bled you dry) because you may very well find out that his plans have changed and that while he still wants to go, he doesn't want you to come with him. So sit tight for now. Say you'll think about it, because at the moment that's all it is, a dream.

FacebookPhotos · 27/04/2022 15:52

I honestly don't think I'd have have worry about this, he would not be able to cope looking after him.

This is what everyone thinks when they are married. I personally wouldn't risk it. Not for a man who would happily move to the other side of the world without his own child.

Uprooting your family to another continent is only something you do if both parents are keen.

Maxiedog123 · 27/04/2022 15:52

Don't take your son to Australia, as you may never be able to come back.
I'm Australian, my daughter had a school friend whose mum I became friendly with. They were all from the UK, and moved to Australia as he got a job working Fly in Fly out in the mining industry in the north.
12 months after moving she discovered he was having an affair and he left.
She was now in Australia with no family support, 2 kids ,a husband who saw the kids every third weekend but he was able to get a court order stopping her from taking the kids back to the UK as it prevented his access to kids even though it was only a few days each month
Essentially she was stuck here til the kids were teenagers.
If your marriage is already rocky just don't take the risk of being unable to return to family support.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2022 15:52

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 15:23

Sorry just to address him blocking me taking our son back to the UK I honestly don't think I'd have have worry about this, he would not be able to cope looking after him. Of course, by age 6 he will be much more independent so my husband may feel more capable by then.

I do tend to be very trusting and see the good in everyone so maybe I should be more concerned about this.

You should be VERY concerned about all of this.

DO NOT move from where you are now.

Your husband isn't a good husband. He's not even a good man.

You need to stop paying for him and get rid

And there is not one shred of evidence that you could trust him to let you leave Oz with your child.

WAKE UP

Mix56 · 27/04/2022 15:53

After you updates, He sounds absolute rubbish frankly

Sisisimone · 27/04/2022 15:54

He is an absolute piece of shit. Fair enough if you had no children to say he wants to try a life in Aus and will you go with him. But to say he will just go and move to the other side of the world and leave his child here just because he fancies a change, that's horrendous. How often does he think he'd see his son, once a year? once every 2 years? Once you have a child you have a responsibility to them and that includes not fucking off and leaving them just because you feel like an adventure. Your subsequent posts make him sound even worse. Let him go and thank your lucky stars you're rid of this loser

AliceW89 · 27/04/2022 15:57

IlCommissarioMontalbano · 27/04/2022 15:48

I think you should give it a go. What is the main reason why you're not open to the idea? I don't think he is unreasonable to want to live and work in Australia if it's his dream. Maybe say you'll give it 3-5 years there and if it's not working then come back to the UK. It is indeed a very difficult situation if one person in the relationship wants to live abroad and the other does not.

Because he is a perpetual commitment-phobe who relied financially on the OP for years and then threatened to leave her and their baby for Australia because it’s ‘his dream’? Risk getting stuck out there forever with his child after he decides to conveniently forget about his promise of 3-5 years? Not a chance. This relationship is nowhere near stable enough to even contemplate that.

windmill26 · 27/04/2022 15:58

LovelaceBiggWither · 27/04/2022 13:43

FFS he cannot just move to Australia to live without a visa. Have a look at the immigration requirements because chances are he's not coming here to live. If he is, then you have some thinking to do and if he isn't then you have a different lot of thinking to do.

He has a NZ passport so he can move and live in Australia.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/04/2022 16:01

If that's how little he cares for you or his child tell him to bugger off there then and not to bother coming back.
Don't even be tempted to go with him, he will never allow your child back to the UK and you will be stuck there forever and if you ever get divorced will be stuck there and probably never see your family again.
Take this advice very seriously.

Lushmetender · 27/04/2022 16:02

Gosh! My friends husband did this years ago - say to his wife he was going regardless. She moved in end but they are still together and having a great time down under. Question you have to ask yourself is if this is your dream too? If not, then maybe it’s best to let him go - he’ll miss his child though!

gingerhills · 27/04/2022 16:04

I know three families that decided to move to Oz when DS2 was in nursery. He's now in final year if uni. They are all still here.

I wouldn't worry too much.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 27/04/2022 16:05

I'm sorry this is happening to you...this is cruel.

I wouldn't go - not because I wouldn't want to live in Australia (and it seems like there would be a number of practical issues around this anyway). I wouldn't go because of the threat - he'll go anyway, without you and your child. That would devastate me. Leave your partner, fine (no, in these circumstances, it's pretty horrid)...but to leave your child - unthinkable. It may be hyperbole, it may be a bluff, but how could he even contemplate such a thing? This would hurt me so much... And then there would be no point, in my mind, in wasting the next five years of my life with him, waiting for him to up and leave (or to enact whatever the next cruel tactic would be to MAKE you go).

I'd be gutted my child was losing his father but it doesn't sound like he is meeting you halfway with ANYTHING. You've done everything for him, and this is how he shows you how he feels...urgh...

Stravaig · 27/04/2022 16:06

Being strategic here - you are close to both families, but he's not? Do they know his plans? If not, let them all know. Odds are good they'll fear their grandchild being whisked far away, and have strong opinions of their own. Get everyone on your side!

Nairobiblue · 27/04/2022 16:06

GlasswareisOverated · 27/04/2022 13:53

Do not go. If you were to divorce you would not be able to return to the UK with your child, unless you had his written permission or a costly court battle, that if you proceeded with, could still lead to you not being able to come back to the UK with your child.
He's being totally unreasonable and slightly insane I would say.

This ☝. Do not go unless you get it in writing (before you go, and notarised if possible) that you can leave with your son if you do not like it. The Hague Convention's Habitual Residence kicks in at 6 months, after that it is like Glass says, a nightmare to leave. Take it from someone who got stuck in a third country (not mine nor ex-husband's) for 6 years because of it.

Bordesleyhills · 27/04/2022 16:09

Aus is very fussy - they may not want him

chisanunian · 27/04/2022 16:09

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 13:50

Wow thank you for your replies. This is my first post here so the quick response has come as a shock, but a grateful one.

He has a NZ passport which he believes makes things easier??

It's so strange. He says this heartbreaking thing but then also that he loves us so much and wants to look after us. He says he has the deep desire to live there (we have been there on a holiday and it was fantastic) and truly hopes we will go. I guess he thinks he will be miserable if he stays here.

I think about it everyday and it's really upsetting.I can't convince him to stay.

He needs another 5 years to build up his career.

The long and the short of it is that his desire to live there is greater than his desire to stay with you and your dc.

You really are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Wintersgirl · 27/04/2022 16:11

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 15:23

Sorry just to address him blocking me taking our son back to the UK I honestly don't think I'd have have worry about this, he would not be able to cope looking after him. Of course, by age 6 he will be much more independent so my husband may feel more capable by then.

I do tend to be very trusting and see the good in everyone so maybe I should be more concerned about this.

And I'm willing to bet you didn't think he would bully you to move to Australia either did you? But he has! Believe me once you're there you are stuck and you can only leave the country with his say so..think very very carefully about this.

QuebecBagnet · 27/04/2022 16:11

I’d love to move to Australia. Dh refuses. So yes we want very different things but I prioritise dh and our marriage. If your dh really loved you he would too regardless of his desire to move.

Beautiful3 · 27/04/2022 16:15

He's being very selfish. I'd let him go and I'd move on without him. It's not that easy to move into Australia, regardless of his NZ passport.

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