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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

461 replies

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 13:35

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

OP posts:
Troublewithtribbles · 29/04/2022 11:29

WildBlueAndDitzy - I think you are so right.

WildBlueAndDitzy · 29/04/2022 11:30

your DH is already partially disconnected from your family due to spending most of his week alone in his own accommodation.

This will make him self centred and he hasn’t had the opportunity to bond properly with you guys as a family and understand what that is about.

He has had the opportunity, it lasted a few months, during which time he treated the OP like absolute shit, then kicked her out because she was miserable!

Troublewithtribbles · 29/04/2022 11:40

Again I agree with WildBlueAndDitzy.

It’s always hard to work out what’s going on via text and not having the whole context…

but ….

Some people do not operate under the same parameters as many others.

I totally get seeing the best in people, liking diversity and difference, trying to see other’s perspectives or walking in their shoes.

but ….

Some people don’t do that back. They have one way of looking at the world, they don’t really engage too much in what others think and they naturally manipulate situations, people, arguments, thoughts to their advantage. There is always a believable reason WHY in any & every situation.

Be very wary of these people and very careful in how you engage with them.

Might not be the case here, but it just might….

Jack80 · 29/04/2022 13:29

I couldn’t just scroll past but I would be there tomorrow so I can’t really say anything as my family is only small and I know my mum would probably come with us or always visit and my children are teens so would have to speak to them but this is something I would love to do. I would speak to him about it more. Could you not apply for the Australian visit program on the tv or have holiday there first

Crucible · 29/04/2022 16:04

@Troublewithtribbles superb post, the nebulous nature of the 'happiness' of certain individuals wreaks havoc with so many.
OP, I hope you're OK. One thing I do know for sure is that your little one is very lucky indeed to have you. It is clear that you're putting him first; all your instincts seem to me to be correct. Stick with it in the UK, you seem from your posts to be the sort of person who can cope well and even thrive (with or without your DH. I suspect without).

SimilarSituationsDifferentCountries · 29/04/2022 18:51

NC for this but oh my word I'm in almost identical situation. My DH is from a different country and has desired to move back there for a year or so. He recently told me he is going in 5 years with or without me and our DC. I'm heartbroken he will leave our DC, who despite his short temper, adore him.

Our marriage has been very rocky and he has untreated MH.

We've been trying marriage counseling for the last two years. Might be worth a try? But if I'm honest it's not great he could do that too you.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure our marriage is over. My issue now is financial. He will not be able to help with money or afford to see his DC again if he moves. I'm going to try and get as financially secure until I can leave or until he disappears.

It's horrible that we are left to pick up the pieces.

Herejustforthisone · 29/04/2022 21:53

SimilarSituationsDifferentCountries · 29/04/2022 18:51

NC for this but oh my word I'm in almost identical situation. My DH is from a different country and has desired to move back there for a year or so. He recently told me he is going in 5 years with or without me and our DC. I'm heartbroken he will leave our DC, who despite his short temper, adore him.

Our marriage has been very rocky and he has untreated MH.

We've been trying marriage counseling for the last two years. Might be worth a try? But if I'm honest it's not great he could do that too you.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure our marriage is over. My issue now is financial. He will not be able to help with money or afford to see his DC again if he moves. I'm going to try and get as financially secure until I can leave or until he disappears.

It's horrible that we are left to pick up the pieces.

Who are these awful, selfish men who put their own wants above ever seeing their children again? I’m appalled by them. Truly. And so, so sorry for the women left to pick up the pieces for their children and themselves.

LondonMrsA · 30/04/2022 14:59

I’ve skim-read lots of responses.
30 years ago my (then) husband announced we were moving to Australia. (We are both British.)
He was a dreamer, a Walter Mitty character, and relied totally on me and my income.
Whilst I would have loved to move to Australia, I knew I would simply be transferring my life - paying for everything, making sure we had a roof over our heads, keeping us afloat whilst he found new reasons not to grow up - but in another hemisphere.
I suggested he go ahead without me. I would follow when he was settled. He couldn’t get a Visa.
He began having affairs. Could not keep a job for than a few months etc. etc.
MY POINT IS - is your husband simply a Peter Pan character too? Or do you think he might make a go of his life and your marriage in another country?

TheHighStreetsAreDying · 30/04/2022 18:07

Stick to your guns, OP. A school friend of mine got 'persuaded' to emigrate to Australia by her obsessed husband. Children were still in secondary school at the time. She didn't want to go, but justified it because she very openly admitted it would be divorce otherwise, and she loved him...

FF 15 years, and she's been so, so miserable from Day 1. She's faded away in front of our eyes on video calls and visits back to the UK (which obviously haven't happened in the last couple of years at all). During the Covid Australia restrictions her dad died (her mum had already passed away) and she couldn't come back to the UK for his funeral, or to see him at all in his last year of life.

She's miserable now, she's ill with stress, her DH is loving it out there and couldn't give a shit, and her sons are now adults and one of them is married to an Australian girl with a toddler and another on the way, so my friend feels she is trapped there for the rest of her life unless she wants to leave her children and grandchildren.

Think very carefully, OP, don't feel bullied into going with your DH if your heart really isn't in it. Don't end up like my friend, a shell of the person I went to school with, completely subsuming her feelings because she was afraid to say 'no' to her DH. We only get one life - make sure it's the one you want to live.

timeisnotaline · 30/04/2022 20:35

Not from taking a holiday there he can’t. He’d be a non resident with no right to stay there himself, as would his child. None of them could just stay or keep others there.

If he moved there perhaps different but isn’t the other story one where they all moved and the op couldn’t move back? That would be establishing the child’s residence, which is different from assuming a dad can keep the non resident child.

gingerhills · 01/05/2022 09:29

TheHighStreetsAreDying · 30/04/2022 18:07

Stick to your guns, OP. A school friend of mine got 'persuaded' to emigrate to Australia by her obsessed husband. Children were still in secondary school at the time. She didn't want to go, but justified it because she very openly admitted it would be divorce otherwise, and she loved him...

FF 15 years, and she's been so, so miserable from Day 1. She's faded away in front of our eyes on video calls and visits back to the UK (which obviously haven't happened in the last couple of years at all). During the Covid Australia restrictions her dad died (her mum had already passed away) and she couldn't come back to the UK for his funeral, or to see him at all in his last year of life.

She's miserable now, she's ill with stress, her DH is loving it out there and couldn't give a shit, and her sons are now adults and one of them is married to an Australian girl with a toddler and another on the way, so my friend feels she is trapped there for the rest of her life unless she wants to leave her children and grandchildren.

Think very carefully, OP, don't feel bullied into going with your DH if your heart really isn't in it. Don't end up like my friend, a shell of the person I went to school with, completely subsuming her feelings because she was afraid to say 'no' to her DH. We only get one life - make sure it's the one you want to live.

Great post

LovelaceBiggWither · 01/05/2022 09:42

HoppingPavlova · 28/04/2022 09:56

Even if you separated in Australia and only saw your son every other weekend he would still be able to go to court to stop you taking your son back to the UK.

But would he? He would be here as a Kiwi, not an Australian, so not sure an Aus court would take that on?

He'd be here as a permanent resident on a special visa so yes he would have the right to take the issue to court.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 01/05/2022 10:16

I suspect the reason his mood has lifted lately is because he has made the decision to go to Oz.

pompomseverywhere · 01/05/2022 10:53

What a frightening man. I'd start a divorce I think.

liveforsummer · 02/05/2022 07:00

timeisnotaline · 30/04/2022 20:35

Not from taking a holiday there he can’t. He’d be a non resident with no right to stay there himself, as would his child. None of them could just stay or keep others there.

If he moved there perhaps different but isn’t the other story one where they all moved and the op couldn’t move back? That would be establishing the child’s residence, which is different from assuming a dad can keep the non resident child.

He isn't talking about taking a holiday though. He's talking about moving there. Where both parents agree to a move the child becomes immediately 'habitually resident' in the new country. They then fall under the jurisdiction of the courts of the new country - Australia in this case - so they absolutely would 'take it on'. The nationality of the parents is irrelevant and Australia is renowned for keeping dc there even sometimes in cases where at the time of decision they have little or no contact with the objecting parent or the resident parent is losing the right to stay there. Some have been forced to return to the UK without their dc.

Butterfly44 · 02/05/2022 07:23

Well I wouldn't be wasting another 5 years of my life.

timeisnotaline · 02/05/2022 08:15

@liveforsummer someone above was saying he could keep them there even if they just went there on a holiday. That bit isn’t true. I know he could keep them there if they moved. If I were the op this man would have had his last penny from me.

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 05/06/2022 23:12

Hi everyone. Firstly I'm so sorry for leaving the thread for this long. I was a bit overwhelmed by the responses which tbh confirmed my thoughts, which again scared me. Since then we've been up and down. We have only seen each other 2 nights in the past month, 1 because of his work and 2 because we agreed to have some space. He came back this weekend and it really is the end of the line for us. He says he is really happy when he is away in the week. Thinks I am hardwork and have not supported him emotionally over the years.
He says he loves our son and is sad if we spilt he won't see him much. However when he comes home he it is like he addicted to his phone, he doesn't really play with our son and this frustrates me incredibly. If I say anything he gets annoyed.
A strange thing happened today. We went for a drive along a country lane and nearly got ran off the road by a truck. We are all fine with only scratches to the car. We didn't need recovery or anything. The truck driver got out and asked if we were all okay and apologised. I asked my husband if he was okay, he said yes...I asked him are you not going to ask if I'm okay (OK I was being stubborn here) because I'm really shook up and he replied....no because I can tell you're shook up. Just plain as that. I don't know if he was just being horrible or genuinely I am dealing with someone who cannot help themselves???!
Sorry this is such a rant!
Thanks again for all your comments. In particular @Troublewithtribbles I found your posts very relatable and insightful.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 05/06/2022 23:41

Even though it won't feel like it, you will be doing your son a massive favour if you split from his father now.

My parents met in the UK, and went back to Australia (my mother is Australian) when she was pregnant with me...she'd already had my brother a year previously.

We lived there for 9 years...year 8, my father comes back to the UK for a month long visit...his first trip back since leaving. Comes back to Oz and is never happy with it again. Less than 6 months later he gets a job abroad...very long story short, we then spend the next 6 years being dragged all around the world as my father hops from job to job. That included going back and forth between UK and Oz, twice...

When I was 11, my father actually attempted to trick my mother into taking me and my two brothers back to Australia (we were in the UK), saying he would follow when his new visa was granted (he'd refused Oz citizenship when it had been offered after 5 years). His plan, which only failed at literally the last minute, was to stay in the UK...he'd even sorted out new accommodation just for himself! My mother however still stayed with him, even though he admitted all this to her at the time...he finally left her for another woman when I'd just turned 21.

Basically, my father hated family life. He wanted to act like he was a single man again...including having affairs. I'm now 53, and to this day I still can't understand why my mother stayed with him. My childhood was so stressful and miserable because of my (and I do include my mother in this) selfish parents. Neither of them put myself and my brothers first.

Let him go, now. You and your son will be far better off without him.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 07/06/2022 14:24

Let him go. In fact make it easy for him. Your life will improve so much without him. Find someone with empathy and a nice personality.

The way he talks about his son tells you all you need to know. He. Doesn't.Give. A. Crap.

Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 15:11

I am sorry it has to this op, it must be very hard knowing it has come to an end.

It will be painful now, but in five years time you won't have to watch your heartbroken child say goodbye to their father, it will be like a bereavement for them, at least with much more distance now it will have very little impact on your son. In the meantime you will eventually feel strong enough to go out into the world and rebuild your life.

I am in the reverse position, I am the Peter Pan and wanted to escape with dc in tow years ago. I could not go without my dh, so we compromised on waiting to dc are in university and we will travel together then. I only have 18 months to go! People that love each other don't threaten or choose to live the other side of the world op. He hasn't been on your team for some time, and I suspect you will be grateful this has ended now instead of wasting more time with someone that doesn't care enough for either of you Flowers

Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 15:14

You sound like anything but hard work! He should try being married to me for a few days. You are not hard work, you just didn't fit in with his selfish dreams for himself, and living a life in his shadows.

I think you might find there is more to come - and that his time away from home wasn't quite as straight forward as you thought. He is not an honest or loving man.

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 07/06/2022 22:43

@Swayingpalmtrees What do you mean when you say there may be more to come please?

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySausage01 · 07/06/2022 22:47

Thanks all for your recent posts. I am feeling okay ❤ You're all right about it not having much of an effect on my son right now, this is definitely a big plus.

I've been reading about emotional control and abuse and I genuinely think this has been happening.

I hope you're all doing okay as well!

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 08/06/2022 09:25

If you hardly ever see him and he is on his phone all of the time, could he have met someone else? Most men do not end marriages without having a plan B in my experience, so I wonder if you should be prepared for other things to come out when your divorce proceedings begin?
I don't think you can trust this man at all