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Original poster

HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

461 replies

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 13:35

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 27/04/2022 14:01

Moving to other countries for work and adventure is something many families do but his way of presenting the idea seems very strange. Most people bring it up as a thought, talk it over, discuss it, look into options, discuss logistics and practicalities, consider pros and cons, mull it over and eventually make a decision. It isn't uncommon for one person to want it more than the other and for one person to be leading the idea but this sounds like he just made an announcement and you can choose to jump aboard or stay behind.

I think the opportunity to live for awhile in Australia would be fantastic but the way he went about it would be infuriating.

Triffid1 · 27/04/2022 14:01

So am I being unreasonable by being resistant, or would you feel the same if your arm was being twisted by him saying its all or nothing...

He's behaving like a dick in the way he's approaching this. But I wouldn't say that either of you is unreasonable in what you want... he wants to move to Australia. You want to remain in the UK. This is one of those situations (like having another child/terminating a pregnancy) where there is no compromise or middle ground.

So if your desire to live here is stronger than your desire to maintain your family unit, that's not unreasonable. If his desire to move is stronger than his desire to maintain your family unit, that's not unreasonable. But you can't be together.

AmberLynn1536 · 27/04/2022 14:02

MissusMaisel · 27/04/2022 13:37

He doesn't love you and your son very much at all if he would leave you to live in the other side of the world, for no particular reason.

I'd divorce him now if I were you.

This! In spades!

MaChienEstUnDick · 27/04/2022 14:03

I guess my question is, have there been in-depth discussions about how it would work, what you would do for work, how your son's schooling would transfer, how you might live and support yourself? And do you want to go (I mean, I'm guessing not or you wouldn't have started the thread). And when did he first start talking about Australia as a specific rather than 'I fancy doing that one day.'

I'm trying to work out if he's being completely unrealistic, if you've even considered it, if he's trying to dump you by stealth, basically.

Namenic · 27/04/2022 14:03

Be v careful. What happens if you go and find it v difficult without family and support network? Then you divorce in Aus. I don’t know if you will automatically be able to just move back to U.K. with your son - as he may have parental rights to be able to see him. You need to be clear about what would happen in this situation - get legal advice.

AliceW89 · 27/04/2022 14:04

What a pathetic excuse for a father and husband. What’s he planning on doing? Telling his 6 year old that beaches and sunshine are more important than his wife, extended family and ultimately his own child? Or is he just going to get on a plane and disappear one day? Sounds like 5 years to try and blackmail and coerce you into leaving to be honest. Don’t go unless you are adamant you want to - as a PP has said, coming back if/when it all falls apart will not necessarily be easy.

RiverSkater · 27/04/2022 14:07

His life plan does not include you and his child who he would choose to abandon in order to pursue his own selfish interest.

Don't hang around waiting for him to build up his career and his pension. Are you working? Get back to work quickly if not, full time too and focus on your own plans. Without him.

Xpologog · 27/04/2022 14:08

Start your planning now.
Do you have a job? Can you do anything to put money aside into savings ?
Your husband is very selfish to expect you will support him and play happy families for the next 5 years and then he can just fly off to a new life without you and your child.
Divorcing him and getting child support may also be very difficult, expensive and not successful over such a large distance. I suspect if he wanted to avoid paying child support he’d just disappear.

Start planning for what you want and think very carefully if you want to remain married to him. If you don’t it’s better to divorce and get child support in place before he leaves.

Magda72 · 27/04/2022 14:10

He is just totally insane
Obviously you know him better than any of us but I personally feel this is a little harsh!
It sounds like he's being trying to tell you for ages that he's miserable where he is but you're not really hearing him. To me he sounds like someone who has reached the end of his tether & is throwing out an ultimatum in order to get you to take some action.
Neither of you is wrong but you don't seem to be communicating very well over this.
He's lived where you want to live for years & your LO is small so would taking a year or 2 out to explore living where he wants to live be the end of the world?
Covid aside the world is now a very small place & family would probably love the chance to visit you in Australia.

Retrievemysanity · 27/04/2022 14:10

Hmmm ok seeing as you nearly split last year and now he’s saying this, I’d cut my losses now. I wouldn’t move the other side of the world in a relationship that’s already unstable. Maybe a trial separation would be a good move because he might realise he would rather be here with the both of you than over there alone.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/04/2022 14:10

No way I'd move with him after what he said. It's w risk moving overseas, you could get trapped there, with no support and no friend be unable to come home because

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 14:12

@Aposterhasnoname right so I've just figured I have not been replying directly to each of you, sorry, that makes it confusing.

This made me laugh! Thank you 😂

OP posts:
lightand · 27/04/2022 14:13

MaChienEstUnDick · 27/04/2022 14:03

I guess my question is, have there been in-depth discussions about how it would work, what you would do for work, how your son's schooling would transfer, how you might live and support yourself? And do you want to go (I mean, I'm guessing not or you wouldn't have started the thread). And when did he first start talking about Australia as a specific rather than 'I fancy doing that one day.'

I'm trying to work out if he's being completely unrealistic, if you've even considered it, if he's trying to dump you by stealth, basically.

Is he good at looking into things amd researching thoroughly?
Or is he more of a fly by night, type of person?

And in his mind, is he thinking he may go there for 1 year, and if he doesnt like it or settle, come back again?

I would be asking gently over the next few weeks, various probing questions, and see what they turn up.

chipsarnie · 27/04/2022 14:15

Assuming his mental health is OK.

Get rid. He's completely unreasonable.

lightand · 27/04/2022 14:16

Magda72 · 27/04/2022 14:10

He is just totally insane
Obviously you know him better than any of us but I personally feel this is a little harsh!
It sounds like he's being trying to tell you for ages that he's miserable where he is but you're not really hearing him. To me he sounds like someone who has reached the end of his tether & is throwing out an ultimatum in order to get you to take some action.
Neither of you is wrong but you don't seem to be communicating very well over this.
He's lived where you want to live for years & your LO is small so would taking a year or 2 out to explore living where he wants to live be the end of the world?
Covid aside the world is now a very small place & family would probably love the chance to visit you in Australia.

I partly agree with this.
He has done it your way for 6 years.

Trouble is, and I could be wrong, sometimes people can change their minds. Or think the grass is greener.
Moving to Australia cant be turned around again in a hurry.

SpacePotato · 27/04/2022 14:22

I'm sure there was a thread on here a while ago by a woman who had moved there because of her DH who then fucked off with another woman and she was stuck there alone with a child and couldn't come back for some reason.

If my DH said he was moving to Australia in 5 years, with or without me and our child, I would be telling him to fuck off now then. No emotional blackmail for me thanks.

Do you work yourself? Do you your home? Start planning your own future now.

Mix56 · 27/04/2022 14:23

There are frequent threads from Wives & mothers who have followed their husband to Australia or NZ,
On the verbal agreement that they would review their situation after X years, or they would definitely return after X years, or the H would allow Wife to return to the UK if she was un happy.
The distress oc these women who discover husband is happy, but they are miserable, homesick with aging & sometimes parents in ill health.
Husband no longer allows wife to leave with their child.
The law being that the child becomes an Australian citizen, & the husband can block the return yo natal country.

Beware, do you really think someone as selfish as he has already proved himself to be will allow you to depart with his child to the other side of the planet ????
No,
Do not go

me4real · 27/04/2022 14:23

^He's lived where you want to live for years & your LO is small so would taking a year or 2 out to explore living where he wants to live be the end of the world?
Covid aside the world is now a very small place & family would probably love the chance to visit you in Australia.^

@Magda72 He's not saying he wants to go there for a couple of years though, I don't think. All we've heard is that it's permanent.

And no, not every family could afford to visit family in Australia. OP definitely wouldn't see them as often as she does now, even if her family were rich enough to visit.

Yes they have lived by OP's family where she wants. But Australia vs. the UK isn't like Birmingham vs London or whatever (which'd be difficult enough if OP wants family support.) The other side of the world is too much to ask. I don't think most wives would move that far and leave everything just because their husband likes the idea.

titchy · 27/04/2022 14:26

Is this something that you have both discussed and agreed, even in a vague 'some point in the future' way?

If not, and this has come out of the blue, then he needs to realise that the time to discuss the viability of such plans was BEFORE you got together and had a baby. You need to make it clear that this is not something you currently agree to, and that if he does change the status quo without your agreement, it will be HIM breaking up the family, not you.

Further that given the potentially devastating impact on your child, he needs to make plans to leave your home sooner rather than later, so your dc gets used to not seeing him.

GrannyBloomers · 27/04/2022 14:35

My first thought was midlife crisis or dreamer.

Why Australia? Not NZ if he has an NZ passport and presumably connections there.

I know 2 families who managed to emigrate to Aus (oddly off point all the parents were over 45 which I thought meant you couldn't) and they are both still there some years later. One couple separated which means that the other partner is effectively stuck in Aus if they want to continue access to their DC. Issues with that kind of distance are obvious along with aging parents and lack of support network.

He might love his little family unit but not enough to make any kind of sacrifice by staying in the UK. The odd thing is why announce it now - 5 years out? Does he think you will come to terms with the idea over that time? Does he think announcing it will make you leave now - in which case what is his motive?

me4real · 27/04/2022 14:37

Is this something that you have both discussed and agreed, even in a vague 'some point in the future' way?

@titchy Even if so (though it doesn't sound like they did anyway) OP's allowed to change her mind, especially now they have DC. People don't fully know the demands of that until they're in it, and how much they'll value family being close etc.

And she's allowed to change her mind for any reason, anyway.

MadeForThis · 27/04/2022 14:40

I would honestly tell him to leave now. It's not fair on your son to have him in his life then for him to just leave in 5 years. Better to grow up knowing daddy lives somewhere else.

He is manipulating you into moving. Living close to your family in the uk doesn't translate into him being allowed to relocate the family to Australia.

If you separate in Australia you will be stuck there. It would be very hard to leave if he objected. He doesn't have to apply for custody over there he can just block your son leaving the country.

AnotherEmma · 27/04/2022 14:47

What a selfish arsehole. It's all about him and what he wants. Well he's a father now and he should be thinking about his child and their needs. And if he really does love you he should care about your needs too. You and your son benefit from being near your support network. What would be the advantages for the two of you of moving to Australia and how would they outweigh the benefit of being where you are now?!

I think you'd be mad to move to Australia with him. If he is determined to move there without you in 5 years' time, I think you should end the relationship now. It would be much less painful for your son to lose his father now, age 1, than in 5 years when he will be 6. If you split now you might meet someone else who would be a good stepdad to him. But honestly being a single parent with family support would be better than moving to Australia with this utterly selfish arsehole of a man.

Wheresthebeach · 27/04/2022 14:47

MadeForThis · 27/04/2022 14:40

I would honestly tell him to leave now. It's not fair on your son to have him in his life then for him to just leave in 5 years. Better to grow up knowing daddy lives somewhere else.

He is manipulating you into moving. Living close to your family in the uk doesn't translate into him being allowed to relocate the family to Australia.

If you separate in Australia you will be stuck there. It would be very hard to leave if he objected. He doesn't have to apply for custody over there he can just block your son leaving the country.

Yep this - with spades on. He's told you where you are in his priorities - you, and your son, are 'like to haves' not 'must haves'. Bluntly - you are disposable to him. Cut your loses now!

AliceW89 · 27/04/2022 14:48

Family would probably love the chance to visit you in Australia

A lot of assumptions here. Both that they have the physical and financial ability to fly to Australia. Also, if they are involved with the DS, there is every change they would prefer OP and family to stay in the UK to continue the relationships as he grows. I think it’s rare for involved grandparents to actively want grandchildren to move to the other side of the world for the chance of a holiday once a year.

He's lived where you want to live for years

Unless the agreement was ‘we live in x location for x years than move to Australia’ then this doesn’t matter. Assuming he agreed to live where OP wanted in good faith, then she doesn’t owe him anything. It’s verging on blackmail otherwise.

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