Page 4 | HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

SillySausage01 · 2022-04-27T12:35:48+00:00

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him. We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true). His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle. He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do." Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year... I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

totallyoutnumbered · 27/04/2022 15:29

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 15:20

Wow thanks so much everyone I am completely blown away by your responses. Thanks so much for the compassion and kind words.

To give you more context, we went to Oz in 2018 where he decided he would quit his job (this was the reason we moved back to my home area, not instigated by me at all I was quite happy continuing 150+ miles where we were at the time), although very settled now. So we agreed he would quit a few months after getting back as we had just bought a house and both not long out of uni so had low earning at this point. He quit and I supported him financially until end of 2020. I have a good job and pay all bills for our home and sons nursery (yes it's tough, I'm very lucky to have this job).

Just before son was born in 2020 husband got a training job in a city 3 hours away. He went up on his own initially as I was heavily pregnant. I said I'd stay here for first 9 months to let my husband settle in and me enjoy baby in our home with family support. Husband insisted we move after 4 months, I agreed, it was a nightmare and I ended up spending my entire mat leave going back and forth from parents (as we had rented our house out) and where husband was. Anyway it was so bad (he was just basically a nightmare, trust me when I say this), that we agreed I'd move back into our home and he is now commuting home at weekends. So he is understandly making a lot of effort to come home at the weekend.

He has enough money to pay his expenses in his place where he lives, I pay for everything here. This has become normal to me and I didn't mind supporting him whilst he studied 2018-2020 as I could see it was leading to something, however I didn't expect him to do further training on such a low income.

He wants us to sell up and move when he finishes the training in a year and a half and we all move to his next destination (wherever his next Job in the UK is), I've said I'll do this but even this worries me.

I sound extremely negative but me and my husband do enjoy each others company. We have been together for such a long time, all through our twenties and had many fantastic experiences together. I am just struggling so much that he won't even compromise to stay somewhere if his choosing in the UK.

I really do wonder if he has some sort of emotional dysfunction? Does this sound like it to anyone?

He's sounding less of a catch by the second OP. You on the other hand seem Lovely. You're also able to support yourself and your son without him. You and your son deserve significantly better than this overgrown manchild. I might sound like I hate all men. I really don't; I know plenty of good men, my DP, my brothers and friend's husbands who would be equally appalled by this man's attitude x

ChocolateHippo · 27/04/2022 15:30

Ah, so he's one of those fathers, is he?

I'm guessing you couldn't go away for a weekend with friends because he'd struggle too much taking care of his child?* *

I honestly wouldn't worry about Australia in 5 years if that's the case... way before then, it's likely that your patience will run out for living with a man-child who can't cope with his own son.

Triffid1 · 27/04/2022 15:31

Oh dear OP. I'm afraid this just gets worse and worse.

So you have been financially supporting him indefinitely, which in itself is fine, but it doesn't sound like he does a lot to support you. During the time he wasn't working, what was he doing? I mean, surely he could have found work (albeit low paid) and was he at least taking on all the household chores etc?

And now he's living a lovely bachelor life in another city and coming home at weekends? He absolutely cannot find work nearer to home? Puhlease.

I'm willing to bet he brings his washing home for you to do too.

he's not a husband and partner. At best, he's a FWB but I'm not even sure about that.

I'm really sorry, but I really don't see how this can work long term. So far he's moved and uprooted you multiple times for what is clearly no real reason, while expecting you to keep everything on an even keel financially and emotionally.

I really do wonder if he has some sort of emotional dysfunction? Does this sound like it to anyone?

I can think of all kinds of answers to the above question. Narcissist. Cocklodger. Those spring to mind immediately.

mmgirish · 27/04/2022 15:32

I think if your husband is willing to go without you both then that is a sign that he isn't in the relationship for the long haul. He doesn't appear to respect your life, time or money. When you say that he was distraught when you almost broke up - could he have been unwilling to give up what it seems to be your unwavering support to financially support him?

You are in a tricky situation. I would call his bluff and tell him now you are aren't going to Oz. If you are going to end up a single parent in 5 years then perhaps it is time to stop supporting him financially now to build up a nest egg for you and your child.

ChocolateHippo · 27/04/2022 15:33

And keep your job, your house and your nursery place. He sounds like his head is completely in the clouds.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/04/2022 15:33

The message is: 'I'll do what I like without even entering into negotiation or considering the practicalities of my decision, and to hell with what you want, or even what's in the best interests of our child'.

Not a great basis for a marriage or parenting.

hoorayandupsherises · 27/04/2022 15:33

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 15:23

Sorry just to address him blocking me taking our son back to the UK I honestly don't think I'd have have worry about this, he would not be able to cope looking after him. Of course, by age 6 he will be much more independent so my husband may feel more capable by then.

I do tend to be very trusting and see the good in everyone so maybe I should be more concerned about this.

I am not an expert but I believe that him stopping you bringing your child back to the UK is nothing to do with custody, i.e. you could have broken up, he might see his child once every couple of months, but he could still request that your child is on the watchlist to stop you leaving. I think you can then go to the courts for permission, but it is not likely to be granted for a permanent move.

Honestly, on the basis of everything you've said about him, I would not in a million years consider going to Australia with him and would probably be seriously questioning the relationship. I think you should try to get some counselling for yourself to talk through the issues, given that you've said it's something you worry about every day.

AliceW89 · 27/04/2022 15:34

I sound extremely negative

You don’t. You sound like an absolute saint for putting up with this selfish, immature man, who seems to be pathologically afraid of physical, emotional or financial commitments

MsMarch · 27/04/2022 15:35

End the relationship now as otherwise in 5 years time, when it ends, you'll be in a far worse position financially. I suspect he thinks he can move to australia without you, stay married and you'll probably continue to support him financially to boot. How lovely for him.

lightand · 27/04/2022 15:35

I got a little lost by your most recent posts.
But think I am grasping them.

What was your husband's and yours' come to that, homelife like before you married each other.
Did you both move around a lot?

Just mentioning as not everyone lives the stay in a house and move only a couple of times in life, life.

donotdothis · 27/04/2022 15:36

name changed for this.

Do not do this. I moved for my H, he also presented as no choice.

Moving when you are moving away from everything in your life to nothing positive for you is awful. I cannot describe the complete desolation of losing everything, in one go overnight.

And absolutely do not move for a man who is not even discussing this move with you as a family. In good relationships, decisions are made together.

He has made it absolutely clear where you and your child are in the priority rankings, and it is below Australia.

Do not give up everything for a man who has explicitly told you that you are below Australia in importance to him.

Let him be devastated - that is his choice. He is willing to devastate your life to get what he wants. He will not feel guilty about that. Never treat a man better than he is prepared to treat you.

I learnt that the hard way.

DeskInUse · 27/04/2022 15:36

He seems totally unprepared for this move. How on Earth does he think he will support himself when he's there, will he work or will he expect you to get a job and support him again.

He sounds flaky, I bet once you're over there he'll want to move somewhere else. He seems very unsettled, gives up a job without another to go to, you move within 4 months, takes a job hours away and has to commute. Op you've got a 2nd child who you're supporting.

Don't gamble on the fact he won't block a move home for you with your dc if you do move, it's too much of a risk.

Original poster

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 15:38

@Mischance thank you for sharing your experience. You make very good points.

I am going through all of your responses.

Thanks @Aprilx for the info about visas.

OP posts:

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/04/2022 15:38

Fuck me, how many times does he expect you to uproot yourself for his latest whim?

He’s put a (metaphorical) gun to your head over the Australia thing - take control and pull the trigger yourself. Tell him that you’re not going and neither is your son - if he wants to go then he’s free to, but he’ll be doing it as a single man because if you’ll be filing for divorce.

Mybestyear · 27/04/2022 15:38

GlasswareisOverated · 27/04/2022 13:53

Do not go. If you were to divorce you would not be able to return to the UK with your child, unless you had his written permission or a costly court battle, that if you proceeded with, could still lead to you not being able to come back to the UK with your child.
He's being totally unreasonable and slightly insane I would say.

This 👆. If you go with your DS and become resident, it may be very difficult to get your DS back out if it doesn’t work out. I lived there for nearly 4 years and once you are in, they like to hold on to you. Another example - you can transfer your pension over there when you go out but you can’t transfer it back if you come back to U.K. also - what is his profession? They are really big on “Australian skills/experience “ so even if qualified/ on the eligible skills list, he is likely to be treated as “lower” and forced to do a whole lot more training - don’t believe everything you see on “wanted down under”.

newbiename · 27/04/2022 15:39

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 15:23

Sorry just to address him blocking me taking our son back to the UK I honestly don't think I'd have have worry about this, he would not be able to cope looking after him. Of course, by age 6 he will be much more independent so my husband may feel more capable by then.

I do tend to be very trusting and see the good in everyone so maybe I should be more concerned about this.

You should be very concerned. I remember a thread on here about this , she was absolutely distraught, moved to Australia, hated it , he wouldn't let her bring the kids back.
Please don't have another baby with him.
Each update reinforces my point , he's a selfish twat. It's all about him isn't it ?

Hillary17 · 27/04/2022 15:39

As a wife who had something similar a few years ago, this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or your son. Sometimes people just need more or an adventure. My husband had the same desire and wasn’t fulfilled here. We packed up and left for two years, had an amazing time and got it out of his system. Now we’re back in the UK - but honestly planning on leaving again in the next 3/4 years. It really sparked an adventurous side to me I didn’t realise was there, made amazing friends, propelled my career etc. if you have nothing stopping you, I’d go!

Crocadoodledoo · 27/04/2022 15:39

You’ve pandered to his wants for long enough OP.

Time to put your foot down.

Porcupineintherough · 27/04/2022 15:40

Triffid1 · 27/04/2022 13:41

Well if this is a dealbreaker for him - move to Australia or end the relationship - then you need to decide if you want to move to Australia or end the relationship. I think it's pretty mean of him to decide this now (unless he's been saying it for years and you've just been ignoring it).

But don't wait 5 years to end the relationship if you don't want to move. End it now and send him on his way. Because otherwise you're spending the next 5 years on tenterhooks plus you're setting you and your DS up for heartbreak. Clean break now.

Wise words

wakeybakey00 · 27/04/2022 15:40

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 15:20

Wow thanks so much everyone I am completely blown away by your responses. Thanks so much for the compassion and kind words.

To give you more context, we went to Oz in 2018 where he decided he would quit his job (this was the reason we moved back to my home area, not instigated by me at all I was quite happy continuing 150+ miles where we were at the time), although very settled now. So we agreed he would quit a few months after getting back as we had just bought a house and both not long out of uni so had low earning at this point. He quit and I supported him financially until end of 2020. I have a good job and pay all bills for our home and sons nursery (yes it's tough, I'm very lucky to have this job).

Just before son was born in 2020 husband got a training job in a city 3 hours away. He went up on his own initially as I was heavily pregnant. I said I'd stay here for first 9 months to let my husband settle in and me enjoy baby in our home with family support. Husband insisted we move after 4 months, I agreed, it was a nightmare and I ended up spending my entire mat leave going back and forth from parents (as we had rented our house out) and where husband was. Anyway it was so bad (he was just basically a nightmare, trust me when I say this), that we agreed I'd move back into our home and he is now commuting home at weekends. So he is understandly making a lot of effort to come home at the weekend.

He has enough money to pay his expenses in his place where he lives, I pay for everything here. This has become normal to me and I didn't mind supporting him whilst he studied 2018-2020 as I could see it was leading to something, however I didn't expect him to do further training on such a low income.

He wants us to sell up and move when he finishes the training in a year and a half and we all move to his next destination (wherever his next Job in the UK is), I've said I'll do this but even this worries me.

I sound extremely negative but me and my husband do enjoy each others company. We have been together for such a long time, all through our twenties and had many fantastic experiences together. I am just struggling so much that he won't even compromise to stay somewhere if his choosing in the UK.

I really do wonder if he has some sort of emotional dysfunction? Does this sound like it to anyone?

This thread is sounding crazier even more. He actually sounds like a bastard and user at that.

I wouldn't be making plans to move anywhere under his cut throat ultimatums. Sounds like he wants to be closer to where he is comfortable e.g NZ and doesn't give a toss about you uprooting.

Will you get the same paid role over there?

Mix56 · 27/04/2022 15:41

Hw wouldn't be looking after the dc though, you would be divorced, living in Oz, & unable to leave with DC.
He would have some contact, its not that hard to look after a 6 year old.
He would simply say I have a right to see my child even occasionally, & I dont want to have to fly across the world for this to happen.
The law would be on his side
You are being incredibly naïve

windmill26 · 27/04/2022 15:41

What about meeting him midway ? Explain to him that you feel settled but considering his desire to move to Australia you can give it a try for a couple of years but you are just willing to rent your home so in case it doesn't work out you all have a home to come back to.

speakout · 27/04/2022 15:42

I'd pack for him.

He has no right to give you this ultimatum.
It shows his priorities.

Mix56 · 27/04/2022 15:43

windmill26 · 27/04/2022 15:41

What about meeting him midway ? Explain to him that you feel settled but considering his desire to move to Australia you can give it a try for a couple of years but you are just willing to rent your home so in case it doesn't work out you all have a home to come back to.

The problem is, as I have said, even after a couple of years, he can refuse to allow dc return to UK

Mybestyear · 27/04/2022 15:45

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 15:23

Sorry just to address him blocking me taking our son back to the UK I honestly don't think I'd have have worry about this, he would not be able to cope looking after him. Of course, by age 6 he will be much more independent so my husband may feel more capable by then.

I do tend to be very trusting and see the good in everyone so maybe I should be more concerned about this.

It’s one thing him “not coping” full time with your son (if you were to come back to U.K. alone) and another signing permission to allow his son to come back to the U.K. with you. I met several women in Australia in this position - their husbands had new partners etc but refused permission for DC to be taken out of Oz so women were essentially trapped until DC were 18 and able to decide. By then , many were settled in Oz, had girlfriends etc so these women either returned and rarely saw their DC or remained in Oz, miserable and homesick.