HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

But surely if he blocked your son from leaving Australia you would stay too so he would get what he wants. He obviously is happy to put himself first and a 6+ year old is much easier to look after than a toddler.

I'd also sort out your divorce before he goes away, otherwise its going to be expensive and drawn out.

I went to Australia for a year with my then boyfriend as it was something i had always wanted to do before settling down etc. But as well as a few touristy trips here and there we still had to work and pay the bills. It might seem like a better lifestyle but its still very difficult to settle with none of your friends and family around you and we didnt have kids then. Not sure your husband has considered this? Maybe suggest he goes to live there for 6 months as thats a good chunk of time to really give it a go. He may find that the grass isnt greener after all?
Ive heard of so many people uprooting their whole lives to emigrate and they are back home within months.

Reading your updates it's crystal clear to me at least that your husband is feckless at best. He doesn't have roots and expects you to just follow him around the country even though you clearly have firm roots with local family and a decent job. This is without the addition of wanting to move to the other side of the world.

You and your son don't seem to factor in his ideas at all, you're just expected to follow him around, funding his feckless lifestyle.

I'd put any money on him getting itchy feet within months of being in Australia, it'll be "Let's try Brisbane/Sydney/Darwin/Gold Coast because..."

Aside from this, you haven't lived together as a family of 3 for any decent amount of time. You might find that you're utterly incompatible as parents in a relationship on a 24/7 basis.

You'd be foolish to consider following him anywhere let alone Australia. In your shoes I'd be filing for divorce and let him "follow his dreams"

To be honest I would go and give it a chance. But that's me.

He's like one of those really selfish people on Wanted Down Under. Only care about their own dream, and the rest of the family do t matter. What a twat!

It would be foolish to make the move in the circumstances you are in.

Australia might be great, but it will be very hard with a young child and no support network. Unless you have reversed gender roles at home, or it really is truly equal parenting with him doing as much of the anticipatory and planning work as well as the hands on care and the taking time off work for colds etc., he will likely fit into things much faster than you because he’ll be able to use work as way to build connections while you will be struggling to fit everything around an unsettled 6 year old. Even if you have work you’ll find it harder to make time for other people and find your footing. It’s not impossible, but if you aren’t already enthusiastic about it it’s a big risk.

As well as the obvious power dynamic at play from you following him because he gave an ultimatum you’ll then have the issue of him fitting and enjoying this new “lifestyle” and likely leaving you with even more of the shit work of parenting, making you lonelier and less supported. Which will then become you trying to ruin it for him.

Moving is stressful. Really, really stressful. Moving to another country is another degree of stressful and frequently fails even if you want to do it. If you don’t have the excitement of wanting to do it to help you through the hard slog or if what’s on offer at the end isn’t even something you value that much the chances of ti working out aren’t good and the cost to you and your son could be really high.

I get what some other posters are saying about him signaling he’s miserable to you for years. I think they have a point. I don’t think that makes it a good move for you to follow him, though.

Don't do it OP we are only within EU but it's quite a lonely experience without friends and family to be able to quickly pop to - and unless you have a career that's in demand there you may have difficulty working- Australia has rules that mean as others have said that coming back won't be that simple because of your child. It's all very well to think nothing will ever go wrong and partner will be totally amenable- it's a different thing in practice. He doesn't seem to be in a position to get a very well paid job either and it's an extremely expensive place we are in Denmark and Aus is similar levels- often requires 2 well paid jobs ! Being skint somewhere without support or friends is the last thing you want and would almost certainly kill your marriage anyway. People alwAys say that family and friends can visit in my case family have but friends haven't because they have other pressing things on their income or time including their own families and with Australia it's not a quick let's pop out-- it's usually 2 to 3 weeks off and thousands and thousands of pounds a time.

Well, it sounds as though he's really fallen on his feet meeting you. You've funded him through his training (doctor?) and now you are funding his child and household.

Wake up! Get this cocklodger out of your life. Don't even think of moving to Australia with him, because he doesn't really want you or his baby there with him. he is far far too selfish and self absorbed for that.

Start divorce proceedings ASAP, stop funding his self obsession. Your life will be so much better without this man draining your emotional resources.

You need to talk and you have the time so make the space and really find out what he thinks life will be like for him, you and your child if you relocate.

His dreams might be a much needed life line to future happiness but if the dreams are just pipe dreams then maybe he will be as unsettled there as he is here. .

What jobs will you have, home, school, support? What plans and dreams is he building in his head and what are they based on? What is it that will be better than what he, you and your child have now or could have here in 5 years time?What might be worse? What will happen if it's a mistake and no one is happy? How long do you potentially give it and if its not working what happens next?

At the moment it seems he's making decisions for you all and not taking your concerns on how they effect you or your child or what your think your needs are.

If you both have a better idea of the likely consequences of going or staying you'll be in a better place to decide, together, what works for the family as a unit.

If at the end either of you decide that what is better for one alone is more important than what works for the family together - well that's important information for you both too.

Thanks everyone.

I too understand that he has been miserable for years. He was definitely depressed whilst studying for those 2 years 18-2020. I tried to support him as best I could and he is totally better now with this new training/job he has.

When he went back to university he did unpaid internships to gain experience which drove me mad but he thinks it paid off as he got this next training opportunity which is quite tough to get. Anyway, I still think he could have done something paid but hey ho.

I don't think the question is so much about whether I want to go or not, I haven't said I won't go but it is the fact he is saying "well I'm.goinv whether you come or not". At times this makes me think I'm saying no out of principle....?

I'm now very aware, thanks to your messages, I cannot go to Oz if things are not 100%.

I have made a few typos along my posts. I didn't mean to call him insane 😂 I think I was asking if he was 🥴

Unless he's bluffing or certain that you'll give in to his ultimatum, I don't believe he loves you and your child as much as you deserve. You should be his "lifestyle", now, vastly more important than which country he lives and works in.

I can't understand a person who would have a child with someone while knowing that they may leave the child behind simply to chase a dream of living in another part of the world. So utterly selfish. I couldn't respect him or trust him after this, if he is truly willing to leave the two of you behind.

so hes willing to ditch his son and potentially never see him again... because of a lifestyle? and what lifestyle does he think they have in Oz?

Don't go if you don't want to.

But whatever you do, if he does manage to get a working visa for Australia, DO NOT LET HIM TAKE YOUR SON.

Australia has some of the toughest laws about child custody - if one parent is in Australia, Australia considers the child to belong there as well.

@tortadicarote this is exactly how i feel. But of course there is much history and it's not like we have only a negative time. One of the problems is probably the 5 year thing, perhaps we are both hoping the other will come over to the others way of thinking.

@ExMachinaDeus I'm learning this, thank you. It terrifies me to think of losing my wonderful baby son.

This sounds like a story lifted straight out of the pages of The Break-Up by Marian Keyes.
Have you read that book @SillySausage01 ?

My advice is to get yourself a shit hot lawyer and separate. But do it before he plans to leave to go to Australia.

He sounds incredibly selfish OP
And others are right,,,he cant just pop off to Aus because he fancies the life style

Sorry to be so blunt but you are his slave.

If you do not put your foot down and go with your instincts, he will have you right where he wants you, paying for everything again and living in a country 1000s of miles away with no family support at all.

You must decide for yourself, trust your gut. Do not go out of loyalty or feeling you should, go because you WANT to, that every bit of you wants to.

The very fact that you have doubts is very telling. In your shoes I would not go.

I think you sound like the planner, organiser, earner and do-er in this relationship. It feels like he'll use you as all of this plus as a mother to his ds for five years then go.

I'd prefer to start my life with my ds now, where you want, near your job and family.

I'd start the divorce proceedings sorry. At least you know where you stand now

HNRTT but as he has given you an ultimatum and said your relationship is not his priority then I would let him own the consequences and tell him you would not be relocating as he could subsequently tell you the relationship is over again and again say he'd abandon your 'unit', provide no care and presumably no financial support so you would rather be a single parent with both the families around If he feigns devastation again then it might be difficult not to laugh then remind him what he said and what it meant.

Good luck.

Sounds like he'll never be happy no matter where he is because he can't move away from himself and that's where the problem is.

Don't reduce your entire world to him.

I suspect you will need your family very much over the years.

Absolutely everything has been about him so far. All the decisions, even during your pregnancy, were all about him getting what HE wants.

He's told you where you are in his priorities - you, and your son, are 'like to haves' not 'must haves'. Bluntly - you are disposable to him. Cut your loses now!

I have to agree with that. He might love your little unit, but he's entirely selfish. If you stay with him, you're going to have a miserable five years in limbo and feeling the pressure. You've nearly split up once already, so the likelihood of your relationship surviving emigrating is low.

I'd split up with him now, so that your child at least grows up without expectations of his father, and you have the chance to find someone who understands what a relationship is.

I'm not qualified to answer this but if he's serious I would privately be getting some professional advice about how this works. Eg if you split up now would one of you (hopefully you of course) be in a stronger position for sole custody if he tries to take your son with him? Personally I wouldn't do or say anything more to him about this until I had excellent advice.

@WaspStingsAreAwful don't worry it is good to be blunt it makes things clear and sometimes I need that 🤣

I am probably his slave, you are right.

He has good career potential once he's finished this training in a year and a half. He has plans to be on a good salary and be able to support us so that I can work part time. Of course, this sound good to me but now I'm worried I'm totally blind sided/in so deep I cannot see the reality?