Is this a middle aged man thing or have I been unlucky?

[crochetmonkey74]

Lighthearted but also WTF -So I am OLD at the moment , and I'm noticing that quite a few of the men I'm talking to are so narrow minded and set in their ways.
Current experiences are : a guy commenting on the necklace I was wearing (a spider) and making a big thing out of how it wasn't a normal choice of a necklace, was I a goth etc. (I literally look nothing like a goth and the necklace was from Matalan so completely 'mainstream') Another guy while we were on a date - a little boy came running up to our table, clearly a boy, boys clothes, boys name when the mum called him. Afterwards my date made a big deal of deliberately not knowing if it was a boy or girl - kept saying "he? She? " when I said clearly a boy he replied with "but he had long hair" Are they just deliberately obtuse? Final guy googles everything I say and then says "if I remember rightly, that was built in ..... by ....." as if he knew these really obscure facts. WTF is going on , are they just all tedious old bores or have I been unlucky? (Lighthearted looking for solidarity)

The fun of OLD I sort of miss it and sort of don't. They aren't all like that but you have to suffer a few unsuitables first. Sometimes the initial messaging doesn't weed them out and you have to go on a date to see the full horror!

I think more women go through life adjusting and re-assessing their position on things, themselves and life in general. Less men feel the need to do this - emotional education is not a thing they see as a life skill. This can be become entrenched as they age. If they have lost relationships because of this they can dig their heals in - big time.

I'm not saying women don't have their own blind spots. I suspect they do, but we need a guy to relay these!

Now in my early 60s I don't bother with OLD anymore. I had a list of words that if I saw in the profile I would swipe left. Top of that list was the self described "easy going" or "laid back" guy. Which means (to me) "I am what I am, and I have, and will never have, any intention of making an effort to meet you half way". It's also painfully unimaginative. Try FFS!

I know the type of guy you are talking about - they are rife on Telegraph dating. But I generally could see as much in their profile and therefore never encountered this type of man IRL. Though I've encountered many other forms of masculine BS.

Some of them act like I am the most crazy and wacky thing they've ever seen. I am a completely normal woman.

This. Completely this.

Um 47 and, after 10 years 9f disastrous dating and long periods of singleton, I am finally in a relationship with a man 12 years older than me who a) regards women as people and not a homogenous group; b) 'permits' (I'm being tongue in cheek because so many men think its 'wrong') women the same independence and individuality he assumes of men; c) is open to having his ideas on things challenged and has changed many of his viewpoints since we got together.

Honestly, he's a breath of fresh air but it took 10 years and a LOT of false starts to find him!

On one particular date we were meeting for a coffee in a pub. I got there slightly early , bought my own drink, and read my book until he got there. I endured an hour where he kept bringing up how weird it was to have both a coffee and a book in a pub

Not on OLD any more but I definitely encountered men who were determined to see me as wacky or quirky for the mildest of reasons - I don’t see myself like that or pitch myself in that way! I have a very mainstream job and lifestyle indeed. But yes, reading seems to be seen as suspect at best, doubly so if reading something other than a sports biography or a supermarket novel. I also got a lot of marvelling at how “independent” I was - yeah, I was a single mum of two with a full time job, it sort of goes with the territory and again was no sort of statement, just necessity. I don’t watch Saturday night TV or follow influencers on Instagram but nor do plenty of people and I don’t think that puts me into the fringes of society! It’s massively narrow view of what women are/should be and says they don’t really see women as people.

Tbf reading is seen as suspicious/weird by men AND women.

I do think a lot of middle men who married young and are now divorced have a very fixed idea of what women are supposed to be / do / act / think and are a bit amazed that we are not like their mother. Almost like we are supposed to all get like his mom was when he left home. That’s his template of womanhood and if we deviate in any way we are odd.

so when they meet a woman who works / brings up kids alive / earns money / wears what she wants / has an opinion / is not like their mother, they cannot fathom it.

I also agree that women are much more open minded, flexible, likely to embrace quirkiness, than most men.

I like women a lot. Men, not do much in general. A lot of them are very boring and set in their ways.

ok, massive sweeping generalisations over.

Please let me know if he has an older brother…..

I a man, (also doing some OLD), and i would also not associate pubs with reading, but I wouldn’t mention it in case my date thought that was weird

Maybe I’m a cynical cow, but being at pains to establish how ‘wacky’ you are sounds a bit like laying the foundations for future gaslighting, if needed (don’t be silly, it’s completely rational to spend £1000s on vintage guitars. As if I would trust your wacky opinion on this, you know how bonkers you are…)

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow but wouldn't you just see that reading in the pub was an obvious thing to do when waiting for someone? The reading isn't happening specifically because she's in a pub but because they arranged to meet in a pub and she knew she would get there early. So she took a book to pass the time. Weirder to sit staring at the wall.

This made me laugh & reminded me of one particular OLD. He was a metereologist & we arranged to go gor walk & coffee as a 1st date. It was pouring rain & he kept insisting I didn't know what I was talking about & it was 'just a shower', I was soaked to the skin 😂

It was pouring rain & he kept insisting I didn't know what I was talking about & it was 'just a shower'

Was his name Michael Fish?

You are also a man who is unlikely to be disturbed because you are on your own staring at a wall whilst holding a drink.

Whereas a woman is more likely to have some random man coming over to ‘chat’. A book is an excellent way to put an invisible barrier and not be annoyed by some random men.

No not Michael 😂 He also had several cars, all the same make but different models & all the same colour of blue. He referred to them all as 'she'. He also told me i could have a cake but wasnt allowed one with nuts in it because he was very allergic to nuts but refused to carry an epipen! It was a thoroughly entertaining date for all the wrong reasons & needless to say there wasn't a 2nd date!

He reading thing is so weird as if I was staring at my phone (reading my kindle app) that would be seen as normal , even though its the same as reading a book.
Also, if the bloke was reading bbc sport on his phone - that wouldn't be strange.
Same bloke couldn't compute that the pub had fairylights over the bar as they were only for Christmas despite being in almost every bar shop and home all year round for many years🙄

This. I have a pub book that I often take with me if I'm going to meet a friend or whatever in the pub.

Lone woman sitting drinking a beer and just enjoying the peace - target for men and, tbf, women who think they're doing ypu a favour by not leaving you at theory of the men.

Lone women sitting in a pub drinking beer and reading - target for men who regard themselves as more intellectual who will try amd engage you in conversation about your book.

Lone woman anywhere drinking coffee and reading - invisible....

I think the contrariness is affected. Its a win win for them.

They get to see if you are docile and compliant and let their ridiculous ideas go unchallenged. If so, good job. If not, they get the added pleased of irritating the sort of woman they have no time for because they're the wrong sort of woman.

I know someone who is intelligent but says these ridiculous things all the time and that's exactly why he does it.

Sound typical of OLD tbh.

I've embraced my songlehood and have no desire for sex or any kind of relationship ever again. It's taken a shot load of weight off my shoulders tbh... And I don't have to put up with other peoples bizarreness... My own is enough... 😝

Yes, but to see that, you'd also have to understand that women are humans with minds of their own that don't just switch off when a man's not looking.

I know a few men in their 50s who were actually astounded to learn that women don't organise their lives around men; men finding them attractive; being sexy etc. Oh and that we don't actively enjoy being objectified nor do we seek to objectify ourselves... 🙄

They found the idea of women having inner worlds rather startling and genuinely believed that we do just occupy our minds with frivolities like make up, kittens and shopping until a man comes along and interacts with us.

Bizarre. And they wonder why they're single...

What's weird about reading a book? I wouldn't think someone was weird for reading a book in pub. People read on their phones in there or the newspaper. Think some people just makeup their own rules as they go along.

You sound fine to me op and even if you are a goth, so what.

Why do they feel the need to make us explain our lifestyles?

I don't know, honestly it makes me feel like I'm mad. I'd meet a female friend , and she would mention none of it.

Well you're obviously not mad.

But some men find the idea of women having independent thoughts and inner worlds threatening. They just do.