Is this a middle aged man thing or have I been unlucky?

[crochetmonkey74]

Lighthearted but also WTF -So I am OLD at the moment , and I'm noticing that quite a few of the men I'm talking to are so narrow minded and set in their ways.
Current experiences are : a guy commenting on the necklace I was wearing (a spider) and making a big thing out of how it wasn't a normal choice of a necklace, was I a goth etc. (I literally look nothing like a goth and the necklace was from Matalan so completely 'mainstream') Another guy while we were on a date - a little boy came running up to our table, clearly a boy, boys clothes, boys name when the mum called him. Afterwards my date made a big deal of deliberately not knowing if it was a boy or girl - kept saying "he? She? " when I said clearly a boy he replied with "but he had long hair" Are they just deliberately obtuse? Final guy googles everything I say and then says "if I remember rightly, that was built in ..... by ....." as if he knew these really obscure facts. WTF is going on , are they just all tedious old bores or have I been unlucky? (Lighthearted looking for solidarity)

@GreyCarpet

I've just had another driving one. Single Lane humped bridge. Neither of us had right of way. Meet in the middle (can't see over it). Because I'm polite, I started to reverse and he told me off for not reversing fast enough. I said that if he had wanted faster reversing he could have reversed off the bridge himself. Prick.

Single sex places are still permitted in law

It could be a private member's club; show you're logged in to your Mumsnet account to get in, carry a book for two part authentication.

Would you like to know how the date went?

so, seemed nice- I was taken in at first but highlights include
he had a relationship of 20 years that ended because she got ill and he didnt want to waste another 30 or 40 years on a woman who couldn't take part in his life. (nice)
His most recent ex was equally amazing and a nightmare because of her mental health (think manic pixie dream girl)
He is 50 but people tell him all the time he looks 35 (he doesn't)

Thing is, he was engaging and I thought I would like a second date (clearly I need better standards after seeing it all written down) He chatted loads on the date about things in the house that I would see- he said stuff like the time went fast and we got on well to have so much to talk about then this morning I got a message saying he didn't feel the spark

Bloody hell! That's a man having a full on midlife crisis right there.

So at a quick glance, in no particular order, we have:

Immaturity
Disloyalty
Vanity
Selfishness
Commitment phobic
Gaslighting
Misogyny

Quite the catch you landed there, glad you recognised it for what it was and threw it back.

As soon as they utter 'my ex is crazy' I check out.

Yes i need to get better at being more discerning I think. I would have gone on a 2nd date but now I see it in black and white he's actually not great

Sorry to hear that OP

intrigued by "manic pixie dream girl" I must admit! Not heard that before.

Ooh Google it or mumsnet search it. You'll recognise it!

Any chat of ex’s specifically on a 1st date would be a no from me - just imagining my ex trying to explain all his children’s mothers ( I have his eldest) 😂

OLD is a minefield, and I would agree that they can after a certain age become somewhat entrenched in their views and habits.
Maybe it’s the male version of knowing what they want/maintaining boundaries?
There are certain wordings and photos on profiles that went straight in the bin. How many women are attracted by large fish for example?

I seriously have never met a man like this ever. Not my dad's friends now in their 80s, not my son's friends in their 20s. Where are you meeting these ridiculous people? And whole gluts of them by the sound of it!

Count yourself lucky then!

I recognize some of the behaviour the OP is talking about (late to this thread though).

Some people, when face with something usual, automatically put it in the 'threatening' instead of 'interesting, must find out more' box. The discomfort they feel comes out in unpleasant comments basically about how 'mad' you are. Even if it's slightly outside the norm, they will blow it out of all proportions. Minor things will be seen as a sign that you are the equivalent of a female Salvador Dali or similar. People who do this are tedious, and are often either small minded or not very bright.

The other types will see you confidently wearing something usual, and it will make them feel uncomfortable because they don't want a confident woman who is sure of herself. That makes them feel uneasy. They might already have an insecurity about you being out of their league, and your confidence to wear certain things makes them feel even more insecure. They don't want a woman who is sure of her style, so naturally they must take you down a notch or two. This will obviously be disguised as 'banter'. It will probably be the first in many attempts in disguising passive aggressive behaviour designed to make you feel confused or down as humour or 'jokes'.

One of them was a man i dated briefly who I met through friends - a couple. The man in the couple is the same age and not like this. The woman, well I was told after we split up that she was "relieved" and had been concerned for me while we were dating because she felt he had been quite controlling of an ex. He did try but he wasn't very good at it. I dumped him and he told me I'd failed to meet his expectations of a girlfriend anyway.

The others were friends of his.

All men in their 50s with patchy relationship histories. All of them also believed that men are 'supposed' to try and break down a woman's boundaries and that we expect it and that women naturally defer to men and not doing so is a flaw in us.

One also believed that women in their 20s are 'shallow' for not wanting to date men in their 50s unless they are good looking and wealthy and that women have got a bit too big for their boots over the years.

Honestly, it was fascinating listening to them at times. All also lament the fact they are single, never had the opportunity to raise children (thank God!) and one is currently really struggling with the fact he is online dating but either gets blocked within a couple of messages and, if he does make it as far as a date, never gets a second. They also blame women for their terminal single status.

All proper incels who blame women for their own inadequacies.

@EarthSight 100% agree with your post, I’ve often felt that way about men and you’ve written it so well ! To be honest I’ve felt it from some female friends too! Example - last summer on a really warm day I call at my friends (female) for lunch and am wearing a long dress and straw hat, this seems to create a great discomfort. She starts asking about my hat, where did I get it, should she wear one too? I’m confident and dress for myself, usually bright colours and I often get ‘banter’ the type of ‘oooh look at you’ and I think yeah, go ahead look, it doesn’t make me uneasy it makes me feel sad for that person.

I once went out on a date and beforehand the guy made some casual comment about him wanting me to wear a dress i had in my dating profile bio, I wore gym type clothes instead, gym bottoms, trainers and a casual t-shirt and the guy constantly asked how many times do I go to the gym, and had I ran a marathon. I’m not a gym person but I walk a lot. He must have expected me to turn up all dainty in a dress and wasn’t really happy I didn’t. It clearly created some perspective he couldn’t handle. He wanted me all restricted in heels and jewellery and lipstick ? I was relaxed in my active clothes and it must have fried his brain cells. He was so dull and all he talked about was his job, I came away feeling he was very insecure so no second date. They want you to turn up in heels and handbags and smiles

I’m not even dating, (married) yet I recognize everything from @GreyCarpet’s post simply from going out to dinner with colleagues the other week. One man behaved very much like this and quoted Grey Carpet almost verbatim. I was utterly speechless and horrified that this creep would probably be leching all over my teen DD’s had they been there and somehow able to justify it to himself, then be angry about being rejected as well. He initially mistook my silence as agreement, and was stunned when I told him that I had actually been listening in absolute horror that someone could be so utterly out of touch with reality, and wondering if it was something worth discussing with HR. (Still on the fence, but it WAS a work do…)