End things while pregnant

[milkyway100]

19 weeks pregnant, 1st pregnancy. Very excited, looking forward to baby. My partner is also very excited, very much looking forward to baby coming.

However, I am beginning to find him so immature in other ways I want to kick him out, ( mortgage is in my name only, but he does contribute £400.00 pcm to bills).

It would be tight financially if I were to kick him out, as obviously I would lose that income and am currently got relatively high levels of credit card debt due to paying for a new boiler, (boiler completely and unexpectedly broke four months ago). I've now entered a repayment agreement with the cc company where they have frozen interest on the card for 9 months, but that is based on my current income which includes his £400.00pcm contribution to household bills. I guess I also know if he didn't live here i'd probably only be able to take 5 ish months off, as I am only entitled to 16 weeks mat pay at full pay, ( the rest is stat. pay). So it feels like it would be so much easier to leave things....but he's just unbearable,

• Sulking/ complaining how "unfair," his life is if I'm not in the mood for sex.
• Extreme jealousy if he feels/ perceives my friends are ever getting more attention than him.

My friend, who is registered severely sight impaired, came round yesterday evening, and he was fine until about 11.00 ish when she needed to go. He went to bed, ( he likes going to bed early), and started getting really irritated and calling me into the bedroom every five minutes to demand to know why she hadn't left yet. She hadn't left cos she was waiting for a taxi, ( cannot walk home due to her eye condition), and due to her eye condition, I need to walk her directly from our 3rd floor flat, down the stairs, into the taxi, as she cannot do this independently in the dark. There was a massive shortage of taxi's in our area and so it took an hour for her taxi to arrive, which wasn't my fault at all, but he was really angry about how "selfish," I was to wait up and walk her into the taxi; despite the fact her being registered severely sight impaired meant it was impossible for her to get from our flat into the taxi alone and he is aware of all of this. -Regularly slags me off to his/ my friends within earshot, e.g. was saying to my friend yesterday "needs to be more organised, she's useless compared to you." A couple of weeks ago, I had some of his friends round, was incredibly sick due to the pregnancy but managed to cook them all a two course meal from scratch. I only stopped cooking a few minutes before they arrived, so obviously the kitchen was a mess when they got here. He kept saying to them throughout the evening, "look what a mess Milkyway has made of the kitchen, " and dragged them into to see it, despite the fact I'd done my best to cook for everyone and was very embarrassed. -Never apologises for breaking my stuff. E.g am typing on my laptop now, it is literally falling apart as he roughly yanked it out my hands a few weeks ago. My phone charger is completely ruined as he "accidentally," broke it last night when borrowing it for his phone, ( I don't even know how he's done this but the metal charging point is bent off of it). It now won't charge anything, I've asked him to replace it/ pay for another one but he says no he shouldn't have to as it's a "genuine accident." If ever I say no to sex, he always responds with, "well that's so unfair, bet you wouldn't have said no to Tom." Tom is my ex, split up 12 months before getting together with my partner and have no contact with Tom at all, but he is insanely jealous of this previous relationship. Regularly uses Tom's behaviour as an excuse for his own, e.g. "it's not fair/ why should I have to buy you a Christmas present as Tom didn't ?"

• Went for a long country walk over Easter weekend and he got fed up I was walking slower than usual cos of the pregnancy, started yelling at me that I was walking slowly "on purpose," to the extent other passer-by's looked uncomfortable.

I repeatedly challenge him on this behaviour, he apologises and then a week or so later does something else obnoxious/ horrible.

I don't even know where he gets the idea this is okay from, as his family, (who seem to like me quite a lot), regularly tell him that he is rude and obnoxious and they don't like how he speaks to me, and "joke," to his face that if he is not nicer he will be kicked out soon, so they don't seem to encourage him to behave thisway.

I guess I'm also worried about the stigma/ gossip of splitting up when pregnant,( my friends seem to lead "perfect " lives), but feel I can''t be the only person who's done that. Honestly, would it be terribly looked down on ?

Also, another small example but really pissed me off. He recently logged into my Instagram account, ( I had left it logged on my laptop), and deleted a photo I had posted of my friend and I, ( despite the fact I liked it), as he was saying what an "unflattering" photo it was of me.

He sounds awful/abusive. You can break up with him whenever you choose. Manage with the frozen CC, just tell them your income has unexpected dropped. CS will kick in when you have your baby. Good luck and be happy.

Get rid now. He is controlling.
Think about whether you want him at the birth, whose surname baby will have, and if you want his name on the birth certificate.

He sounds horrible and immature.

Don't be miserable for the sake of what others think.

It's a big decision but think of all the others who have done it before you and I bet none regret leaving an abuser.

@PrettyPlatapus ,yes, I do have to keep reminding myself not to worry myself so much what other people will think of the situation.

He is treating you horribly. Deliberately breaking your things is abusive. Constant verbal put downs in front if your friends is abusive. He’s showing a total lack of empathy towards you and is imposing unrealistic expectations upon you, probably because he enjoys putting you down when you’re not up to scratch. This will be even more unbearable towards the end of pregnancy and in the newborn weeks when you will be more physically limited than you are now. Women really need to take it easy in the third trimester and the first few months postpartum. It’s a bit of a shock to a lot of us how long it takes for your body to feel normal after childbirth and even generally supportive partners don’t always understand that. Your partner will fail miserably to be supportive at this time. I think you’re right to want to get rid of him. It will be easier to do it now rather than later. It sounds like his family are nice and you might be able to maintain a relationship with them for your child’s sake even if he is very difficult to co-parent with. He will be liable for child maintenance so that might help with paying off the boiler initially.
What are your childcare options like for if you go back at 5 months? I’d start getting that organized - get on the waiting list as early as possible.

I’m not trying to scare you about 3rd trimester and postpartum recovery - I’l just warning you that it takes a while for your abs and pelvic floor to recover. This means you probably won’t feel like lifting heavy things at first - your body will be telling you to stop earlier than it would have done before. You will also probably need to go a little slower/less far exercise wise for a while too. So even if you enjoy all day hikes or parkruns now, you probably won’t be up to doing that at 2 weeks postpartum! In my experience, by 3 months you’ll feel much much stronger and by 5 months mostly back to how you were before pregnancy (but I still have to consciously think about pulling in my core before lifting something heavy now). Everyone is a little bit different too. I’m worried your partner would make that time miserable for you by expecting you to immediately go back to pre-pregnancy strength.

@PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS , yes I'm also worried about post birth recovery, especially as due to medical reasons, ( which I should find out more about at consultant appointment in June), it's likely to be planned C-Section.

Do you have family where you live, to support you ?

When you kick him, all your friends and family will likely agree you did the right thing. You’ve noticed his family warning him his behavior is poor, and all those friends he tried to embarrass you in front of by showing them your messy just-finished-prepping-dinner-kitchen - yeah, they all know he’s got a nasty streak.

Also, to add some context, he doesn't normally work weekends, ( he is contracted Monday-Friday only), but rang his boss very late, ( post 10.00pm last night), demanding at the last minute to cover the shift of a colleague who was sick to punish me for allowing my friend over, ( we had pre-booked plans this afternoon, which I now need to cancel, and mean we are unlikely to be able to book again). His boss even sounded quite surprised, saying, " it's a bit late, you told me you were busy on Sunday when I asked you to cover xxx shift due to sick leave earlier in the week," but my BF just got snappy and was like " I want to do it now, can I do it or not !?" and so his boss let him come in.

He also really upset me when giving me a lift to my 16 week midwife appointment a few weeks ago. He was meant to be dropping me to the appointment on his way to work, I was meant to be going straight to work after the appointment. He rushed me out of the flat so quickly I forgot my purse, when I found this out he refused to lend me the £4.00 needed for the train to work, as "it's not my fault you forgot your purse," and so I was left stranded at the hospital. I couldn't get to work, so after the midwife appointment had to phone my boss and pretend I was sick and take a days sick leave, and then had to walk home in over an hour. He easily could have taken cash out from the cash point in hospital reception to lend me £4.00 to get the train, but he chose not to.

@KangarooKenny my parents live two hour drive away, ( sister, my only sibling), a four hour drive away), but I do have some friends in the local area. My mum still works , ( she's 61, so under retirement age), but has offerred anyway to take a couple of weeks A/L to help when me and my partner when the baby gets here so I guess she'd still be happy to take 2 weeks A/L to help if it was just me.

@PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS yeah tbf, his friends, ( they are significantly older than him), didn't seem too impressed with his behaviour and did tell him to behave. They were also annoyed as they brought him some alcoholic chocolates/ whisky, ( late birthday present), and then brought me a small chocolate bar as well as obviously I can't have the alcohol stuff atm.

He snatched he chocolate bar meant for me, shoved it all in his mouth in front of them, ( and then burped in their face...) , and was like "I wanted to try it, Milky Way didn't deserve it anyway...." and they seemed to tell him off and say "you had your presents, we told you that was for J as she can't have alcoholatm...."

Wow. He is a full on domestic abuser. Please get rid of him before much longer as you'll be so much more vulnerable after the baby is born.

I hope he has a good job. Work out how much CM you can get from him then kick him out after the baby is born.

Sulks
Entitled to sex
Jealous
Inconsiderate to disabled people
Slags you off to others
Breaks things and doesn't replace them
Inconsiderate of pregnancy
Hacks your SM
Left you to walk home alone rather than give you £4
His family and friends know his behaviour is wrong

He needs to go!!!

Just think of this peace when this emotionally stunted man child is out of your life! Sod what other people think!

At the end of the day OP, you have a job and your own home. I'm sure you can find a way to make it work financially. Sit down now and make a budget and work it out.

Get fucking rid.

You need to get rid of him now. This will get so much worse after the baby is born.
i went back to work as a single mum when my son was 6 weeks old and we managed. Money was extremely tight for a few years but it was better than being stuck with a useless man.

Wow. I was expecting to have to give a gentle - don't make any big decisions whe you are PG, blah blah blah message. But from what you say - he is mean, nasty, abusive and dragging you down. Sorry but get rid of him. His friends and family think he's out of order too so there are no redeeming features. You will be better alone. Good luck.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I'm worried that going back at 6 weeks would be too much for me, but if II could stretch to going back at 6 months maybe I'd manage....

You'll make it work financially. Rally friends and find local support groups. He really needs to go. That's no relationship/partnership and baby isn't even here yet. So disrespectful to you, no regard whatsoever

Yep, and it is beginnng to affect other people. My friend from last night has messaged to say how uncomfortable he made her feel when kept shouting out the bedroom to ask why her taxi wasn't here yet/ why she couldn't get herself to the taxi when it's known she is severely sight impaired and can't get out of our flat safely after dark.

Get rid of him now OP. Don’t wait. You shouldn’t have to put up with any more of hid abuse.
Being nasty to your friends is sometimes a way to try to isolate you - he doesn’t want you to have friends. People won’t come back it he treats them badly - your sight impaired friend, for example, probably won’t want to put herself in that situation ever again.
Not lending you £4 so you had to fake a sick day is putting your job at risk. You can’t let him do that. You will be so vulnerable if he causes you to lose your income and your friends.
Can you go and stay with your parents for the long weekend next week? Tell them what’s happening. Give yourself the distance you need to plan how to get him out of your house.
Since his family are already calling him out on his behavior I think you could tell them as soon as you’ve told your partner you want him to leave. They will probably support him as he’s their son/brother, but it seems likely they will do that by giving him a place to stay etc rather than by telling you you need to take him back.
How will he react when you ask him to leave? Do you think you need someone else there? It you’re worried he might turn violent then make sure you do this as safely as possible. Women’s Aid are supposed to be good for that kind of advice.

sounds absolutely awful - you'll be ok one way or another without him, but not if you stay with him

He is awful and abusive. Don't let him ruin your precious time with your baby. Get rid of him. You will make it work financially. Have a good look at what you might be entitled to. There is some help available for low income expecting mothers and when the baby arrives, you will be entitled to child benefit and he will have to pay child maintenance. It sounds like you will have some support from friends and family when the baby arrives, which will be much more useful than anything he can provide.

I’m sorry but the more I’ve read, the more I cannot see a future with him for you. Not giving you the £4 is especially cruel as is taking your chocolate, what type of person does that. I think you need a serious chat with him, if he’s like this now, how’s he going to be with a screaming baby awake all hours through the night.