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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

End things while pregnant

234 replies

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 06:48

19 weeks pregnant, 1st pregnancy. Very excited, looking forward to baby. My partner is also very excited, very much looking forward to baby coming.

However, I am beginning to find him so immature in other ways I want to kick him out, ( mortgage is in my name only, but he does contribute £400.00 pcm to bills).

It would be tight financially if I were to kick him out, as obviously I would lose that income and am currently got relatively high levels of credit card debt due to paying for a new boiler, (boiler completely and unexpectedly broke four months ago). I've now entered a repayment agreement with the cc company where they have frozen interest on the card for 9 months, but that is based on my current income which includes his £400.00pcm contribution to household bills. I guess I also know if he didn't live here i'd probably only be able to take 5 ish months off, as I am only entitled to 16 weeks mat pay at full pay, ( the rest is stat. pay). So it feels like it would be so much easier to leave things....but he's just unbearable,

  • Sulking/ complaining how "unfair," his life is if I'm not in the mood for sex.
  • Extreme jealousy if he feels/ perceives my friends are ever getting more attention than him.
My friend, who is registered severely sight impaired, came round yesterday evening, and he was fine until about 11.00 ish when she needed to go. He went to bed, ( he likes going to bed early), and started getting really irritated and calling me into the bedroom every five minutes to demand to know why she hadn't left yet. She hadn't left cos she was waiting for a taxi, ( cannot walk home due to her eye condition), and due to her eye condition, I need to walk her directly from our 3rd floor flat, down the stairs, into the taxi, as she cannot do this independently in the dark. There was a massive shortage of taxi's in our area and so it took an hour for her taxi to arrive, which wasn't my fault at all, but he was really angry about how "selfish," I was to wait up and walk her into the taxi; despite the fact her being registered severely sight impaired meant it was impossible for her to get from our flat into the taxi alone and he is aware of all of this. -Regularly slags me off to his/ my friends within earshot, e.g. was saying to my friend yesterday "needs to be more organised, she's useless compared to you." A couple of weeks ago, I had some of his friends round, was incredibly sick due to the pregnancy but managed to cook them all a two course meal from scratch. I only stopped cooking a few minutes before they arrived, so obviously the kitchen was a mess when they got here. He kept saying to them throughout the evening, "look what a mess Milkyway has made of the kitchen, " and dragged them into to see it, despite the fact I'd done my best to cook for everyone and was very embarrassed. -Never apologises for breaking my stuff. E.g am typing on my laptop now, it is literally falling apart as he roughly yanked it out my hands a few weeks ago. My phone charger is completely ruined as he "accidentally," broke it last night when borrowing it for his phone, ( I don't even know how he's done this but the metal charging point is bent off of it). It now won't charge anything, I've asked him to replace it/ pay for another one but he says no he shouldn't have to as it's a "genuine accident." If ever I say no to sex, he always responds with, "well that's so unfair, bet you wouldn't have said no to Tom." Tom is my ex, split up 12 months before getting together with my partner and have no contact with Tom at all, but he is insanely jealous of this previous relationship. Regularly uses Tom's behaviour as an excuse for his own, e.g. "it's not fair/ why should I have to buy you a Christmas present as Tom didn't ?"
  • Went for a long country walk over Easter weekend and he got fed up I was walking slower than usual cos of the pregnancy, started yelling at me that I was walking slowly "on purpose," to the extent other passer-by's looked uncomfortable.
I repeatedly challenge him on this behaviour, he apologises and then a week or so later does something else obnoxious/ horrible.

I don't even know where he gets the idea this is okay from, as his family, (who seem to like me quite a lot), regularly tell him that he is rude and obnoxious and they don't like how he speaks to me, and "joke," to his face that if he is not nicer he will be kicked out soon, so they don't seem to encourage him to behave thisway.

I guess I'm also worried about the stigma/ gossip of splitting up when pregnant,( my friends seem to lead "perfect " lives), but feel I can''t be the only person who's done that. Honestly, would it be terribly looked down on ?

OP posts:
milkyway100 · 13/05/2022 19:24

Sweepingeyelashes · 13/05/2022 18:40

Do not even think of putting him on the birth certificate. Give her your surname and whatever first name YOU like. He can get parental rights but I'd be making it as difficult as possible for him. I understand you can still claim child support. I suppose it's a positive you're not married to him or he'd be going for half your house. I wouldn't feel obliged to share anything of this pregnancy with him. I certainly wouldn't have him at the birth and I'd probably tell the hospital to ban him. I probably wouldn't even tell him right away when the baby was born. He has behaved disgracefully and you don't need to be kind and reasonable to him.

I would have no hesitation in alienating my daughter from him rather than putting on a brave face about his truly awful behaviour. I imagine you'll have plenty of opportunity. Flame me if you like but this is a man who sent hippo pictures to her friend who had a weight problem and was sensitive about it, has abused her, is insanely jealous, broke her stuff, badgered her for sex because he's entitled, mocked her to his friends, pushed and grunted "me first," on the stairwell, made her walk for an hour when she ended up stranded at the hospital pregnant without her purse etc and has such vile habits that other people can't stand to be in the house with him. I fail to see how he could have any positive effect on your daughter.

Also, I'm beginning to feel I'm being too kind and reasonable to him. I desperately want the baby to have some kind of relationship with her father, but not if he is going to teach her these behaviours.

OP posts:
milkyway100 · 13/05/2022 21:16

The only good thing, is he doesn't have the wherewithal / personality to go via court for custody/ access etc.

OP posts:
MMM3 · 14/05/2022 11:26

I haven’t read the entire thread but I’m compelled to correct a MAJOR error, repeated a few times on the first page or two.

He HAS been violent. Physically. If you mean literally snatching a thing from a person, that’s assault. Most ESPECIALLY, if he snatched your laptop from you to the extent that it’s damaged- that’s full on physical violence, assault, and designed to make you physically scared. If you don’t want to involve an agency yet, read up on domestic violence. Breaking your things violently in your face very quickly and often leads to breaking your face. And then he’ll be snatching and breaking your tiny baby.

I’m no expert- so read their words instead of mine. Lundy Bancroft is one good author but absolutely any literature or article will explain escalation and how far along he already is.

MMM3 · 14/05/2022 12:26

I’m caught up- thank goodness, it sounds like you’re doing great.

Don’t worry about social services being involved. I don’t know your technical level of education, but from your writing you’re obviously “educated,” and you have a stable job and a home. They aren’t going to spend more than 10 minutes looking over you and your home- it’s a non-issue. It’s true that they can sometimes be unfair and cause stress, but when that happens to an actually good parent it’s usually down to bias. Women who don’t speak eloquently and/or react as though SS is a physical threat to their family (yelling, stonewalling, etc). I’ve served as a Children’s guardian in court and would readily admit ss can be it’s own problem, but it won’t be for you.

ValBiro · 14/05/2022 14:51

I'm not sure what your life or daughter's life would gain from having contact with him. I'd get the police involved at this stage tbh, you have escaped an abusive relationship and the stress of trying to deal with cutting ties with him will be 100x worse when you have a small baby to deal with too.

I wish I'd done it a lot earlier with my abusive ex but like you, I felt such shame and anxiety around people knowing the 'truth' I minimised it and refused help. I am ok now. I met my current DH when my little girl was 2, we have 2 more children and they all have a stable and happy home. NC with abusive ex.

KyaClark · 17/05/2022 21:18

How is it going, OP?

Butitssafe · 29/05/2022 04:02

@milkyway100 hope you’re ok. He sounds truly truly awful.

Weenurse · 29/05/2022 09:49

How are you ?

ValBiro · 14/07/2022 13:49

@milkyway100

I know this is an old thread and I know this is a bit weird coming from an anonymous random on the internet but I hope everything is going ok for you and your bump (or baby now, perhaps! Can't recall how many months along you were). Wishing you all the best. Flowers

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