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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

End things while pregnant

234 replies

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 06:48

19 weeks pregnant, 1st pregnancy. Very excited, looking forward to baby. My partner is also very excited, very much looking forward to baby coming.

However, I am beginning to find him so immature in other ways I want to kick him out, ( mortgage is in my name only, but he does contribute £400.00 pcm to bills).

It would be tight financially if I were to kick him out, as obviously I would lose that income and am currently got relatively high levels of credit card debt due to paying for a new boiler, (boiler completely and unexpectedly broke four months ago). I've now entered a repayment agreement with the cc company where they have frozen interest on the card for 9 months, but that is based on my current income which includes his £400.00pcm contribution to household bills. I guess I also know if he didn't live here i'd probably only be able to take 5 ish months off, as I am only entitled to 16 weeks mat pay at full pay, ( the rest is stat. pay). So it feels like it would be so much easier to leave things....but he's just unbearable,

  • Sulking/ complaining how "unfair," his life is if I'm not in the mood for sex.
  • Extreme jealousy if he feels/ perceives my friends are ever getting more attention than him.
My friend, who is registered severely sight impaired, came round yesterday evening, and he was fine until about 11.00 ish when she needed to go. He went to bed, ( he likes going to bed early), and started getting really irritated and calling me into the bedroom every five minutes to demand to know why she hadn't left yet. She hadn't left cos she was waiting for a taxi, ( cannot walk home due to her eye condition), and due to her eye condition, I need to walk her directly from our 3rd floor flat, down the stairs, into the taxi, as she cannot do this independently in the dark. There was a massive shortage of taxi's in our area and so it took an hour for her taxi to arrive, which wasn't my fault at all, but he was really angry about how "selfish," I was to wait up and walk her into the taxi; despite the fact her being registered severely sight impaired meant it was impossible for her to get from our flat into the taxi alone and he is aware of all of this. -Regularly slags me off to his/ my friends within earshot, e.g. was saying to my friend yesterday "needs to be more organised, she's useless compared to you." A couple of weeks ago, I had some of his friends round, was incredibly sick due to the pregnancy but managed to cook them all a two course meal from scratch. I only stopped cooking a few minutes before they arrived, so obviously the kitchen was a mess when they got here. He kept saying to them throughout the evening, "look what a mess Milkyway has made of the kitchen, " and dragged them into to see it, despite the fact I'd done my best to cook for everyone and was very embarrassed. -Never apologises for breaking my stuff. E.g am typing on my laptop now, it is literally falling apart as he roughly yanked it out my hands a few weeks ago. My phone charger is completely ruined as he "accidentally," broke it last night when borrowing it for his phone, ( I don't even know how he's done this but the metal charging point is bent off of it). It now won't charge anything, I've asked him to replace it/ pay for another one but he says no he shouldn't have to as it's a "genuine accident." If ever I say no to sex, he always responds with, "well that's so unfair, bet you wouldn't have said no to Tom." Tom is my ex, split up 12 months before getting together with my partner and have no contact with Tom at all, but he is insanely jealous of this previous relationship. Regularly uses Tom's behaviour as an excuse for his own, e.g. "it's not fair/ why should I have to buy you a Christmas present as Tom didn't ?"
  • Went for a long country walk over Easter weekend and he got fed up I was walking slower than usual cos of the pregnancy, started yelling at me that I was walking slowly "on purpose," to the extent other passer-by's looked uncomfortable.
I repeatedly challenge him on this behaviour, he apologises and then a week or so later does something else obnoxious/ horrible.

I don't even know where he gets the idea this is okay from, as his family, (who seem to like me quite a lot), regularly tell him that he is rude and obnoxious and they don't like how he speaks to me, and "joke," to his face that if he is not nicer he will be kicked out soon, so they don't seem to encourage him to behave thisway.

I guess I'm also worried about the stigma/ gossip of splitting up when pregnant,( my friends seem to lead "perfect " lives), but feel I can''t be the only person who's done that. Honestly, would it be terribly looked down on ?

OP posts:
milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 17:04

I would be surprised if he went for full custody tbh. He's seemed very shocked at friends who have 50/50 arrangements as "that's no t normal when they are young."

OP posts:
ToffeeForEveryone · 24/04/2022 17:08

Leave now and move closer to your family (away from him).

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 17:09

Sorry to clarify I think he would still want to see the child, but would be very surprised if given his views he would want fukk custody/ 50/50.

OP posts:
milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 17:11

ToffeeForEveryone · 24/04/2022 17:08

Leave now and move closer to your family (away from him).

Unfortunately I can't do that as my work and flat are here, my parents live in a much more expensive area I wouldn't be able to buy in, but I guess I could stay with my parents potentially during mat leave.

OP posts:
cornflakedreams · 24/04/2022 17:18

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 17:11

Unfortunately I can't do that as my work and flat are here, my parents live in a much more expensive area I wouldn't be able to buy in, but I guess I could stay with my parents potentially during mat leave.

Take the stepping stone that gets you out.

You don't need to have the whole of your future mapped out, you just need to take one step at a time.

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 17:19

Unanananana · 24/04/2022 17:03

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

Is this the sort of relationship you want your child to witness? He needs to go NOW.

Why the fuck would you want to have sex with it? And he has the audacity to sulk/blackmail you? Just reading that makes my vagina slam shut.

Read back your own words about how he treats you. What would you say if your friend/daughter told you this? You will be better off as a single parent. And your child will be safe from the damage that will be caused by watching how their father treats their mother.

That is the thing.

I don't want my daughter, ( found out via an early gender scan we are having a girl), thinking this is normal.

OP posts:
NewandNotImproved · 24/04/2022 17:22

(There’s no such thing as ‘full custody’ and nope, he wouldn’t get it. It’s just a pathetic scripts vermin like him follow, to the letter.)

TurquoiseSwirl · 24/04/2022 17:32

Seriously, your friends won’t be saying they hate him, but as soon as you tell them you are leaving they will rejoice and support you. They are worried about alienating you at the moment pushing you closer to him saying they don’t like him and will be there for you in a shot.
fuck me at everything he’s doing in public, he’s testing what he can get away with. I promise you this will get worse.
talk to your midwife, tell them you want to leave an abusive relationship. Tell all your family and friends, there is nothing to be embarrassed about, the embarrassment is his.

KirstenBlest · 24/04/2022 17:35

Was he like this before you were pregnant?

It will not get any better. Get rid of him, register your name only on the baby's birth certificate, not his. Give the baby your surname. No hyphen his surname.

He sounds absolutely vile

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 24/04/2022 17:36

His opinion that CM should not apply to fathers if the mother leaves the relationship is designed to stop you leaving. His ridiculous subtext is, if you leave he won’t pay and it will be your fault.
as a pp said, CMS don’t care one jot about his batshit abusive opinion. In practice it can be hard to get maintenance out of reluctant NR fathers. In principle, he’s fucking liable for it and how the relationship ends/whether there ever was a relationship is totally irrelevant.

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 18:02

TurquoiseSwirl · 24/04/2022 17:32

Seriously, your friends won’t be saying they hate him, but as soon as you tell them you are leaving they will rejoice and support you. They are worried about alienating you at the moment pushing you closer to him saying they don’t like him and will be there for you in a shot.
fuck me at everything he’s doing in public, he’s testing what he can get away with. I promise you this will get worse.
talk to your midwife, tell them you want to leave an abusive relationship. Tell all your family and friends, there is nothing to be embarrassed about, the embarrassment is his.

Stupid question, but if I said this to a midwife would they call SS ? I'm feeling I'd probably rather deal with this myself, e.g. ask/ tell him to leave, as I'm worried that if I use the words "abusive relationship," to midwifery, then even though he's never been violent they'd get SS involved.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 24/04/2022 18:09

Given the behaviour you mentioned, it is quite likely that it will escalate nearer or after the birth.

Get rid of him now

tkwal · 24/04/2022 18:12

He's behaving like a spoilt 8 year old. You would, seriously, be better without him .You could let a room in your house to make up the loss of his contribution( ensure applicants are well vetted). I can't see any reason why you would want to be around him at the moment. Hope all goes well for the remainder of your pregnancy 🌼

PerseverancePays · 24/04/2022 18:21

Ss will not be involved if you tell your midwife. They get involved when you fail to protect your child from the abuser. Your midwife will point you to resources available.
Making him leave now works in your favour as you have the most capacity now. Every week that passes reduces your capacity to the point where you give birth and you are at your most vulnerable.
At best your bf sounds unhinged, you need to work out the steps to getting him out and then crack on with step one. Honestly, whatever his redeeming features are, they are nothing compared to how awful he is. Not a keeper.

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 24/04/2022 18:23

@milkyway100 I’m so angry on your behalf that even though I don’t know where in the country you, I’m desperate to get in the car, drive to your house and help you throw his stuff onto the pavement.

Just because he hasn’t - yet - been violent, it doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. Domestic abuse takes many forms, it’s not only physical violence.

it’s your house. If you choose to put his belongings into bin bags, put them on the doorstep, lock the door and get a locksmith to change the locks, he can’t do anything about it. If that’s what you want to do, don’t worry that you’re “being rude” or “being unfair” to him. Protect yourself.

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 18:34

TurquoiseSwirl · 24/04/2022 17:32

Seriously, your friends won’t be saying they hate him, but as soon as you tell them you are leaving they will rejoice and support you. They are worried about alienating you at the moment pushing you closer to him saying they don’t like him and will be there for you in a shot.
fuck me at everything he’s doing in public, he’s testing what he can get away with. I promise you this will get worse.
talk to your midwife, tell them you want to leave an abusive relationship. Tell all your family and friends, there is nothing to be embarrassed about, the embarrassment is his.

That is probably true. The only friends who haven't had an issue with are people who live long distance and haven't met him yet.

One friend irritated cos she came to stay with her toddler daughter and he hid the toaster from her, ( when her daughter was crying for breakfast), as she'd accidentally unplugged the heating when making toast the night before. Wouldn't give it back so we had to search for it.

Other friend irritated as despite her being blind he made such a fuss I needed to stay up and assist her to the taxi.

Other friend irritated as he snatched her Starbucks take away coffee out her hand and started drinking it.

Another friend irritated as he jokingly threatened to put ice cream in her new handbag, ( we were on a walk down the seafront with ice cream), when she said something he didn't like, ( he didn't actually carry this through tbf). She was also irritated as in front of her he smashed up a jigsaw I was completing as a joke, ( was about 25% of the way through).

Met another friend for dinner and he said he was concerned as anytime his gilfriend asked me a question r.e politics he'd tell me repeatedly to shut up and wouldn't let me answer, as me having a different opinion agitated him.

They probably won't be that devastated at the split.

OP posts:
REignbow · 24/04/2022 19:40

Wow he is awful.

And he is already showing you who he is and I bet if you stay he will get worse.

he needs to leave, tell your midwife.

it will be easier to get him gone now than now after baby is here.

please call WA.

PlanningTowns · 24/04/2022 20:26

G.E.T. O.U.T.

CliffsofMohair · 24/04/2022 20:39

PlanningTowns · 24/04/2022 20:26

G.E.T. O.U.T.

You really do need to end this relationship. He has zero redeeming features and the abuse is likely to escalate with the arrival of baby.

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 20:47

REignbow · 24/04/2022 19:40

Wow he is awful.

And he is already showing you who he is and I bet if you stay he will get worse.

he needs to leave, tell your midwife.

it will be easier to get him gone now than now after baby is here.

please call WA.

Out of interest what would happen if I told the midwife ?

If I said I was planning on asking him to leave in the next couple of weeks.

I'm not really worried about his reaction, ( he's never been violent), more the gossip from others, friends, neighbours etc r..e splitting while pregnant. But I guess I'll have to live with it.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 24/04/2022 20:48

You went from one abusive relationship into another.

Immature is the label some women give to abusive arseholes, who they aren’t ready to acknowledge as, abusive arseholes.

i am flabbergasted that no one in your circle didn’t call this fuckwit out but them again, then not doing so goes some way to explaining why you couldn’t see his behaviour as abusive.

Thank fuck he isn’t on the mortgage.

Catupatree123 · 24/04/2022 21:01

Mine started like yours, he will escalate probably throw the odd thing, maybe shove you etc see what you will tolerate.if hes jealous of your friends then imagine how he will be with your daughter. Get out now before the baby comes. The midwives are trained in this and will offer you support not judgment. You have time to build a support network of family and friends. In my experience its harder after the baby arrives, don't get trapped.

REignbow · 24/04/2022 21:35

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 20:47

Out of interest what would happen if I told the midwife ?

If I said I was planning on asking him to leave in the next couple of weeks.

I'm not really worried about his reaction, ( he's never been violent), more the gossip from others, friends, neighbours etc r..e splitting while pregnant. But I guess I'll have to live with it.

to answer your question @milkyway100

When you tell them that you are in an abusive relationship and want to leave, they will help you. Abuse escalates in pregnancy, that’s why they always ask in your appointments.

@milkyway100 The way he has treated your friends and his behaviour towards you has already made them feel uncomfortable.

Please stop thinking about the financial side. Start to think about the fact that both you and your DD deserve better!

cocktailclub · 24/04/2022 21:44

Get rid of him. You will be happier, more secure and free to meet someone who really cares about you. Do not stay with this person.

Xpologog · 24/04/2022 21:49

End it ASAP, move away if necessary. I think the usual advice is do not put his name on baby’s birth certificate.
He is waving so many red flags of abuse, and he’s not magically going to change no matter how excited he says he is about the baby.
His behaviour shows serious emotional and verbal abuse. For your own well being get him out now and keep him out. He’s not merely immature, he’s abusive.